I'm not coping well

[Bumblebeee]

I had an early miscarriage this month, after almost 3 years of trying to get pregnant and I can't help but feel angry with the world and everyone in it right now. My husband is coping fine, I haven't noticed any change in him at all, he seems almost insensitive, and I'm struggling to be a good mother to my 5 year old as she just reminds me of what could have been. I can't stop crying, I feel sick most of the day so can't eat much and I'm up and down all night because I'm finding it hard to sleep. On top of it all I had f*ck all support from my hospital, no follow up, no information on what to expect, they just left me to deal with it and basically I have never felt so down or lonely before in my life. I can't think straight, I feel guilty for not coping for my daughter's sake but then I feel guilty when I am because it feels disrespectful to the baby I lost, I am just basically in turmoil, I am so torn between wanting another baby more than ever and never wanting to experience pain like this again in my life. I need advice/help/anything that can just help me to get my head straight because my girl needs her mum to have her stuff together.

 

[red_head]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve honestly never experienced anything so emotionally painful in my life, so I do understand to some extent what you’re going through. I felt silly too, as I know some women who just seem to move on very quickly, but I really struggled to do that. I think you are totally valid in your feelings, and it’s so hard for anyone to understand a loss, especially after ltttc - even husband’s don’t understand really. I know I felt angry at mine because he just didn’t seem to get it fully. I would really recommend the miscarriage association
https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk
I used some of their stuff which really helped me. I also had a couple sessions of counselling too which helped me.
Only you can make the decision about whether to carry on trying, although actually I just went along with what my husband wanted as I didn’t feel strong enough to make the decision. They say you’re more likely than not to have a healthy pregnancy after a loss, but it doesn’t make the worry go. You don’t need to make any decisions right now, although sometimes having a plan does help. Just take things one day at a time, and maybe do something to say goodbye so you can grieve properly - plant a tree or a rose bush (please don’t release a balloon though as they’re really bad for the environment and wildlife).
I’m so sorry for what’s happened, I really hope you feel better soon.

 

[loves_cookies]

I'm sorry for your loss. I've had two very different losses in the last year and everything you're feeling is valid and sounds similar to how I felt and still feel. I felt angry with the world and I also have a 5 year old and definitely felt like I was failing her as a mother after both losses. My husband also sounds the same as yours. When we lost the first one he was very matter of fact and oh well it happens. We talked about it some time afterwards and to him it simply wasn't a baby yet. Men experience pregnancy loss differently because they don't bond like we do.

My experience of the hospital the first time also sounds similar, discharge you without a second thought and no support at all.

I saw my GP 3 months after my first loss who commented that I was borderline PTSD at the time. I 2nd contacting the Miscarriage Association and also Tommy's. You may also find Counselling helpful, although it's taken more than 3 months for my expedited referral after the loss of my son to get an appointment, so there may be a wait depending on where you are. You're very early on from your loss so give yourself time to heal. You will get your head straight in time. You will learn to accept and move past it and you are exactly the mother your daughter needs. You don't have to make any decisions regarding the future now. Take your time and do what feels right for you.

 

[Avidreader955]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I miscarried my first child, and it was so hard. You are grieving your loss. There are many stages of grief and we all handle grief differently. I would suggest that you be patient with yourself during this time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel at the time. Make sure your process all of it until you can come to acceptance.
My husband and I grieved differently. I was the mom, and everything I did including eating and sleeping was for my baby. I don't think dads start to think about caring for little ones until after they are born. We had to give each other space and time, and we had to learn to communicate what we were thinking and feeling. Do you have a pregnancy and infant loss support group in your area? I hope you find what you need in order to get through this very difficult time. Hugs, mama.

 

[flou]

how you are feeling is perfectly normal. And unfortunately what you experience is the norm too. In the last week I had a chemical pregnancy, which will be my fourth loss. I am blessed to have DS and this is what a cling to. I had losses 3 and 4 since trying for baby number 2 and I felt I let DS down. I felt like I had to apologise to him for losing him a brother or sister. When I had my first two losses prior to having DS my gp surgery referred me straight away to the epu for bloods and a scan. Now they have developed a strange phone triage system where I speak to a gp before deciding whether I need to come in or not. I phoned them when I started spotting and they told me to call back if it didn't stop. So phoned back a few days later and was told that spotting may stop or amc might happen. I know if a mc was going to happen there is nothing they could do but I really wanted them to do bloods so I had an answer! Then I started bleeding and having had two losses previously I knew the signs to look out for if I was in any danger and dealt with it myself. There is not enough support for those who suffer pregnancy loss and some medical professionals are great and empathetic. I remember during my second loss I broke down at tge epu and the doc held my hands and cried with me. And then other times I felt like they didn't want to know and left to deal with it on my own.