I'm pregnant. And it's all so wrong.

[KYLEEMARIE]

Today I found out that I'm going to be a mommy. That's supposed to be good news, right? Pregnancy is good news if you're married, not living with your parents, and employed. Here's my reality check; I'm 19 years old, I live with my parents, and I'm pregnant with a stranger's baby.

I'm a good girl. I graduated high school with honors, I played volleyball, and I had really big goals when I got out of high school. I knew what I was going to do with my life. But, of course, things don't always go as planned. Just after I graduated from my high school last year, I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of 2 years. My parents lived in a different state than me, so I had to make the painful phone call. It went better than expected. They gave me a lot of support (more than I was anticipating). So, with that phone call out of the way, I started planning my new future. This future included marriage, a baby, and a big move to be with my parents. This plan was full proof. Or so I thought.

Three weeks after discovering I was pregnant, I lost my baby. My whole life turned upside down. Although I was nervous about becoming a mom, I eventually became excited and hopeful. That hope and excitement was replaced with grief and inevitable depression. My boyfriend broke up with me the day after I miscarried. And the next week my mom came and moved me to be with her. My life was spiraling out of control.

Once I got settled into my new home, my life started to become normal again. I managed my depression, I landed a job as a stylist at American Eagle, and I started skin school. I was decently happy. I flew through skin school, received my certification, and was on my way to a bright future. My miscarriage and heartbreak were behind me.

I graduated from skin school and decided I need a change. I decided to move back to the one place I knew would break me again. My mom was completely against it, but I was being drawn back there. My best friend flew down and moved me back up. I was so happy once I got there. I knew I was going to be able to start my own life there. But that dream was short lived. Jobs weren't easy to come by, and those ghosts that I left behind months ago were starting to haunt me. Once again, my mom came and moved me back to be with her. I wasn't particularly happy about it, but it's what was best for me.

I've been back home for a few weeks. And I've already messed my life up in more ways than not. A week or so after being back, I went to a party with one of my close friends. We got a little tipsy, I met a cute boy, and one things lead to another. Of course we didn't use protection. That would be silly of us, wouldn't it? That decision to not use protection has completely turned my life upside down, AGAIN. I'm 19 years old, and I'm pregnant by a stranger. I've come to the conclusion that I'm awful at making decisions. I don't know how I'm going to tell my mom. She is going to be sooo disappointed. I don't have a job, I'm broke, and I still rely heavily on my parents. How am I going to raise a child?

I know that everything is going to be okay in the end. It's just really scary thinking about how my life isn't going to be mine anymore. It's time to grow up. Here I go.

 

[marinaf]

Wow, I'm mighty impressed. I think you are such a brave girl to tell all of us this story!
You can't change what happened to you that's a fact, but you can do the best of it!!!
Go and tell it to your mom, explain the whole story to her, she loves you and she always will! And at the first time you were pregnant you also thought it would be bad but she supported you so much. Do you really think she wouldn't do this again???
Ok, maybe she is dissapointet at first but i don't think she is the rest of your life!
The first step is to find someone who support you and I think your mom is the right person!
The next step would be to contact the father...he should know about it, and maybe he supports you too! If he doesn't you are going to manage this without him but you've got friends, you've got family and a Baby isn't one of the worst things in life!
Maybe a friend of you can help you, when you're going to tell this your mom.
I'm sure everything will be good at the end! Only belive in yourself! Your going to be a great mum!

 

[skyesmom]

i second the pp!

also, having had losses myself, a relationship ending after my first loss (in my 30s, mind you, and my ex hitting the 40, nothing to do with age or being "grown ups"!), depression that followed, lighter after the first and absolutely devastating after the second loss... i can tell you, it takes LOADS of time to get to deal with it and learn how to live with it, no matter how old you are, what kind of job you have, if you're married, engaged, whatever.
losing a child is something that shakes even the strongest of the relationships, and even the most solid, strong people who know how to make their way in life.


no wonder you felt drawn to move back to the place you were before. the ghosts that came back when you were there, didn't really come back. they were there all the time, and in that place they found their way to face you, and you found your way to face them by going there in the first place.
see, even though moving to your mom's after the loss of your baby and of your relationship was a good move back then, it also didn't give you a chance to really deal with the things, say goodbye to the rest of the life you were having there outside of the pregnancy with your ex, and find some closure to it all. and we all need closure in order to move on really with our lives.

so - no wonder you needed to go there. don't beat yourself up for that. it was and is a part of the process. also - healing from depression takes ages. it is more of a something that you learn how to live with, rather than something that just goes away for good and never comes back. it also doesn't mean that you'll live an unhappy life for good - it just means that now and then you'll have those days - and then they will pass. and with time you'll learn to know yourself and your inner processes better, and deal with it easier.

as for the pregnancy now - talk to your mother. you can trust her by now. and inform that "stranger" as well - i kinda have a feeling he won't be a stranger forever, nor for long. you never know, people may surprise you. oh, and if he's shocked and reacts the way you fear, give him some time to absorb the news, it is quite a surprise and people may come out with things they don't really mean.

fingers crossed! and - you're doing great. you really are. no one has it figured out at 19. nor later. life is a learning process and you can't really learn from things except from when they are already happening to you.

 

[KYLEEMARIE]

Thank you so much for reading my story. It means a lot. I have a lot of decisions to make and I really don't know how to go about them.

I've told the father and he is being supportive. He told me that he would prefer I get an abortion, but he wouldn't be upset if I didn't. The only reason I am considering abortion is because the father doesn't live in the same state as me. He plays minor league baseball and travels a lot. I would be doing everything on my own, and I don't know if I can do that. I know it's so selfish to even consider aborting this life. I'm just so lost.

I still haven't told my mom. I don't know how to go about that at all. It's going to be such a huge relief when I finally do. But I'm just not ready.

 

[Wobbles]

Thread closed as per forum rules:

While BabyandBump tries to remain pro-choice on most subjects, out of respect for majority of our members that are either trying to conceive, or pregnant, we ask that you do not discuss topics on abortion and terminations outside of the 'Ethical Prenatal Losses' forum.