I'm pretending to be a boy today Mummy

[Kte]

So every day I get this from Chloe. I'm struggling a little with it, I don't know what to say back to her any more. Sometimes I say 'so long as it's a good boy I don't mind', other days I say 'just be you' and some days I say 'okay stop telling me every day and just do it'. Which I know isn't great.

I don't think she is transgender, I give her options to play with anything and everything, some days she plays with dolls, teddies and others cars, trains. I've also gone on the proviso that toys are toys for all and colours are colours for all.

It may be that, since starting school, she is questioning things again. She has a lot of school friends who categorise stuff into girls and boys.

When I was little, easily until I was 8 at the very least, I used to pretend I was a boy, just because I likes trains and cars and wanted to climb trees etc and those things weren't seen as girly. So her pretending doesn't phase me.

My main worry is that she asks or states every single day, rather then just pretending. Or thinking, yeah girls can do this too (I'm trying to empower her as a woman to show her girls can do exactly the same as boys).

Obviously I want her to be happy no matter what and I want her to be able to come to me with anything, so I need to find something better than just saying 'yes, don't tell me'. I just don't know what.

 

[Rainbow82]

How about asking her why do you want to be a boy today? Or what do you want to do today as a boy? Or even is there something you can do as a boy and not as a girl?

It could be as simple as she hears other children categorising toys as for girls or boys and thinks that if she wants to play cars or trains etx that she has to pretend to be a boy.

Alternatively just respond with a simple ok you can be whatever you want to be today. She will grow out if it or elaborate why she wants to pretend to be a boy when she is ready/can verbalise it.
I agree it doesn't sound like she's transgender as she sounds clear on wanting to pretend to be a boy and wanting to be a boy or gave you call her by a boys name.

You're doing great.

 

[Kte]

Thanks, good suggestions, I'll remember those when she tells me again

Yeah she hasn't given herself a boys name and doesn't get distressed about it, I just want to be open for her, if she ever came to me I wouldn't dismiss it but I don't feel that is what she is after. She just wants to enjoy lots of different things and feel okay that she can do them.

 

[hayz_baby]

It might just be a reassurance thing?
It's slihgtly different but everyday Ds1 annouces that he will have cereal and milk for breakfast and cheese sandwich and apple for lunch. I totally get what you mean about the "Yes I know you say everyday" feeling tho.

 

[Kte]

So last week she had a conversation with me about if her girl parts would grow into boy parts. She still pretends to be a boy on a daily basis and asks or tells me (to which I do a few replies to). Today though she said in role play that she was the brother (to her little sister) and said at bath time that she wanted to really be a boy and said she liked a certain boy name. She has been asking me for a while why was she called Chloe, same conversation, different outcome on her part. She did also say the toys were freaking her out. Athough at bedtime she did refer herself to being the kittens mummy. So I'm not sure what is going on? We are off into school tomorrow to see if there is any bullying going on, the kids there seem so adamant pink is for girls and blue is for boys and they don't take kindly to Chloe not believing this and so I think she isn't allowed to enjoy the things she likes as a tom boy, she may feel to be accepted by her peers she has to be a boy, I just don't know. So we are going to address the school issue first, inform her teacher so he can monitor and she can get some support, then if it continues (her questions and requests) then get her to the drs I guess. I don't really know what to think for the best at the moment.

 

[Eleanor ace]

Hi, my DS is younger than your DD (he's 4 in July) but he to repeatedly makes comments abut being the opposite gender. He tells me he's a girl and then he lists people he knows and whether they are male of female, to show that he recognises gender difference and knows how to identify peoples genders but still thinks/feels he's a girl. He is quite boyish in the activities/toys he enjoys and doesn't ask to wear "girls" clothing, but when he does occasionally put on one of his sisters hats or put a hair band in his hair he'll look at himself in the mirror and look so happy, he'll say "I look like a girl, I look lovely" or "I look just right". I too worry about what the right thing to do (if anything?) is. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and make him think he has to focus on his gender right now, but I also don't want to ignore it and potentially have him struggle with gender identity issues and suffer for it. It is tricky! I don't have any great advice, I'm a bit clueless really! But I wanted to say that if you need anyone to talk to you can always pm me

 

[aimee-lou]

How did it go with the school?

 

[Kte]

Hi, my DS is younger than your DD (he's 4 in July) but he to repeatedly makes comments abut being the opposite gender. He tells me he's a girl and then he lists people he knows and whether they are male of female, to show that he recognises gender difference and knows how to identify peoples genders but still thinks/feels he's a girl. He is quite boyish in the activities/toys he enjoys and doesn't ask to wear "girls" clothing, but when he does occasionally put on one of his sisters hats or put a hair band in his hair he'll look at himself in the mirror and look so happy, he'll say "I look like a girl, I look lovely" or "I look just right". I too worry about what the right thing to do (if anything?) is. I don't want to make a big deal out of it and make him think he has to focus on his gender right now, but I also don't want to ignore it and potentially have him struggle with gender identity issues and suffer for it. It is tricky! I don't have any great advice, I'm a bit clueless really! But I wanted to say that if you need anyone to talk to you can always pm me

It is so difficult isn't it I can't even remember when she started with the I'm pretending to be a boy it's been going on for so long. I always just didn't play it up either, I was a tom boy so I thought I knew what she was going through, that it was just a phase. But now I just don't know. I just keep thinking I'll have to monitor it still and eventually if things don't change or get 'worse' for want of a better word (her being more distressed about the issue) then we will have to take her to the GP to see if she can have a psych assessment. I don't want to rush into things and put any unnecessary pressure on her or make her more confused. It's such a hard thing to know what to do for the best. I remind her she can talk to me and there are no right or wrong answers but I worry she thinks I want her to say yes or no. I have questioned her a lot lately as it's been intertwined with the bullying at school so I think I will have to leave it for a little while again and monitor things.

 

[Kte]

How did it go with the school?

Okay for now, she had told me how one of the boys in her class wouldn't let her join in games because they were for boys only. She has had a few incidents with him and I have always said that if he plays nice then it's fine to play with him but if he is mean then don't play with him and tell the teacher. About two weeks ago they pulled her legs from underneath her in the playground and she banged her head and it's from this point until now that she has become more upset. (She does play rough games sometimes and I have told her not to play those games a million times because she comes home with holes in the knees of her school trousers!) She said he does some weird staring and pointing thing at her which was upsetting her.

So I told her teacher everything (even to the point she was saying she wanted to be a boy) and he said that they would bring up (again) how to respect others etc. They are CofE so cover that stuff all the time.

When she came out she said that the boy had been made to apologise and shake her hand. I've told her that if it starts again then make sure she tells her teacher and us about it.

She still asked if she could be a pretending boy tonight though and when I commented on her Wonder Woman top on she said she was Super Man.

 

[Kte]

So again she said she was a pretending boy. She is much happier and even said she played with this kid that was being mean to her. I'm still massively cautious though because now I don't like her playing with a mean kid!

Night times she is very very clingy and has wanted to come into our bed, she did last night. So she is still after lots of love and reassurance.

Plus today she said she had a tiny imaginary boy on her shoulder called Jack. This was the boy name she wanted to give herself.

I'm going to start writing it down now when she asks/says for a bit just to see as it really feels like it is every single day. I don't now what she is after from me, I give her love, acceptance, encouragement in the things she likes, try to empower her to be confident in herself. Maybe it's too much and I shouldn't have been doing this.

 

[Eleanor ace]

You've definitely not gone wrong giving her love, acceptance and encouragement . You're not pushing her to decide she is a boy, you're just giving her the opportunity to express herself and that is absolutely not a bad thing. When my brother was little (around 4-5) he started pretending to be a girl ballerina called twinkle toes. My mum went with it (and shushed my dad who was a little less on board), saying that if a ballerina named twinkle toes was who he wanted to be right then then that was fine. He was into "girly" stuff, he loved My Little Pony and wore girls pants because they had MLP on them. He grew out of it without any drama or feeling any shame for wanting to pretend to be a girl ballerina or enjoying "girl" stuff. If it turned out he actually identified as female it would have made the transition a lot easier I'm sure being able to express his femininity and to have those memories to look back on, rather than transitioning to be female later on and looking back on his childhood as a time of always having to pretend to be something he wasn't and feeling ashamed of wanting to do girly things. As it was he just enjoyed that at the time, much as another 5 year old might enjoy pretending to be a superhero or a dog.
The way you're handling this with your daughter sounds just right to me. You'e not pushing the idea of actually being a boy on her; it's not like she's going to think "hmm I like pretending to be a boy, but my mum seems to really want me to be one, so I guess I'd better be one now", she'll just feel reassured that she can express herself openly and can confide in you if she needs to. If it turns out she does identify as male I'm sure she'll be so grateful to you for being accepting of her expressing it from a young age. You're doing a great job!

 

[aimee-lou]

So again she said she was a pretending boy. She is much happier and even said she played with this kid that was being mean to her. I'm still massively cautious though because now I don't like her playing with a mean kid!

Night times she is very very clingy and has wanted to come into our bed, she did last night. So she is still after lots of love and reassurance.

Plus today she said she had a tiny imaginary boy on her shoulder called Jack. This was the boy name she wanted to give herself.

I'm going to start writing it down now when she asks/says for a bit just to see as it really feels like it is every single day. I don't now what she is after from me, I give her love, acceptance, encouragement in the things she likes, try to empower her to be confident in herself. Maybe it's too much and I shouldn't have been doing this.

Far from it hun. By giving her all that, you're allowing her to express herself wholly and completely without worry of judgement or having to be 'accepted'. This will eventually lead her to be a confident and strong woman who won't be easily led and will know her own mind. At the moment she's exploring her likes and dislikes, that is all. I think if I was in your position I would deal with it in exactly the same way - no real reaction, just simple acceptance of who she is and reassurance that you're always there.

It sounds like things have calmed down at school. Give it time to see if she settles at home now.

 

[Bella1185]

Stumbled upon this thread and just wanted to say it sounds like you're an excellent mom! Love and support (and even following up with her school) is all she needs!

I distinctly remember a phase I went through when I was about 6 where I desperately wanted to be a boy. Refused to wear skirts and purposefully "lost" my pink lunch box...even freaked out grandma by sitting backwards on the toilet and telling her I wanted to use the potty like a boy my mom just kind of rolled with it! It all originated because in gym class they had divided us up by boys and girls, and the boys had learned how to play basketball while the girls learned how to juggle scarves (wtf? How weird! Idk...it was the 90s?! No idea....) ANYWAY, I was so jealous the boys got to play basketball that I figured if I acted like them I could stop the stupid juggling and get to play ball! I also remember the boys paid more attention to me and wanted me to be on their "team" because I was actually decent at basketball I don't remember how that phase ended, but I definitely went back to "girlie things" soon after

Kids are great because they harbor no judgement, and are fascinated by people different than them. It's a time of exploration! As long as you're there for her, it will all work out however it's supposed to

 

[Kte]

Thanks you ladies, I was just afraid I was bombarding her but I do want her to be happy and express herself how ever she wants and be confident / comfortable with who she is. Yesterday things really did get so on top of me, I was just upset she wasn't happy doing the things she loves and that's what upset me, because in my eyes she is pretty damn awesome!

Elarnor Ace: Thanks, I never really thought about it like that, as you say with your brother he had good memories to look back on, I'll keep reminding myself of that too.

I will always have Chloe's back no matter what and I know it's important she knows that.

 

[kosh]

was wondering how things were with you and your LO?

 

[Kte]

was wondering how things were with you and your LO?

Thanks

Things seemed to settle down a bit, she kept telling me about incidents with a boy at school but after I spoke with the teacher she seemed happier.

However, I noticed that during half term not once did she state she was pretending to be a boy, however back at school two/ three weeks in and she keeps saying again, today it was more than one and she even asked why her cousin was a boy and she wished she had been.

She has also had incidents of saying she feels lonely at school and sad, so I have had another chat with her teacher today to say I am worried about her. For the first time ever she wet the bed last week, I'm not kidding she is nicknamed iron bladder because even when she was potty training she never ever wet the bed.

We are not happy she is unhappy and aren't really sure what to do about it. I've got some books to help deal with her lonely and sad emotions but I'm unsure what to do about school. She's desperate for attention and I don't want her to develop into the kid that does silly / bad things to get that attention.

We joined her up at Rainbows so I'm hoping peers external from school might help her in some way perhaps but that only started last week.

 

[Kte]

So I've been reading her the books. Over the 6 week holidays I noted down every day that she said she was pretending to be a boy . . . not surprisingly for me it has waned off an awful lot. It does appear now and then but at the start it was every day, then every other day, then a week, then ten days. We had decided and asked her if she wanted to be home schooled and she has said yes. She did love school but it's just not the right environment for her at this stage and she completely happy that she will have friends at Rainbows and swimming classes and that we will meet other kids on Home Ed adventures (i'm in a few local groups on facebook). Her main concern was missing school dinners. I can't change the views of one boy, the school were told endless times and I tried to give my daughter the tools to stand up to him (since she was born no less) but it hasn't worked that way and I'm not about to stand back and let her be miserable when I can do something about it, 5 year olds should have a lot less things to worry about!