I'm starting to hate my other half

[highhopes19]

I feel bad for feeling this way but some days I can't stand him and wanna swing for him!!

I'm so tired physically and mentally exhausted... Daisy is 11 weeks old and I have done every single night since she has been born and I had a blooming section which burst open and is still infected and being treated 11 weeks on!
When I was pregnant it was his idea that if she wakes at the time he gets up for work he'll give her a bottle and put her back for me!! He hasn't done this once!
Last night I was awake all night with a tooth ache (horrid wisdom tooth) and when she woke up I was so tired and his alarm went off.... He had a lovely 6-8 hour kip.... Me 1 hour!
I asked if he could feed her and he said he hasn't got time and wondered why I was in a shitty mood with him!! It's 5:30am he doesn't leave till 7:30am!! I'd already made his lunch the night before!
Some days I even have to set my alarm 4 or 5 times to wake him for work or he won't get up!! So I'm getting constant disturbed sleep!

I'm very paticilar and keep the house perhaps a bit too tidy for someone with 2 young kids- I don't know!! But he is super untidy... Doesn't wash the bath out, doesn't pick his dirty clothes up off the floor, leaves plates on the sofa or wet towels on the sofa.... Knowing full well I have workedy arse
Off tidying up after Isabelle and looking after a baby all day!
He had a cooked meal from scratch near enough every night waiting for him when he gets in- but yet moaned at me as a pan got burnt when I was seeing to the baby.
Moans if something has not been washed! It's a nightmare drying things this time of year!

Every time I mention something he tries to guilt trip me... By saying yeah that's right I'm a useless ******* I know!

Isabelle doesn't have a dummy she was late giving it up- she gave it up in the July- she only had it at night . But he's been secretly giving her dummy's so he can have a quiet evening without her playing up!!

Im just fed up with the lack of help and lack of appreciation (he says he does) I can't mention anything as it gets thrown back at me

I feel I do quite a bit considering I keep the house nice, cooked dinners every night, Isabelle is really hard to occupy and Daisy just does not nap!!

 

[charliekay]

I could have written this post myself! My oh is always promising to help out more but so far he's done nothing! I know he goes to work and I don't expect him to be up all night doing night feeds but just the occasional feed in the evening or the last one before bed so I can at least get a couple of hours sleep would do. Even on his days off he does nothing to help me, made a couple of bottles the first few days but that was it. He's not even helping with our older child who is quite independent anyway. It's got to the point that I just don't speak to him at all now and he's calling me moody.maybe I wouldn't be moody if you actually helped more. I too had a section and found it so hard the first few weeks, in agony but having a new baby to care for is hard work. They say a baby either makes or breaks you and right now I feel were broken xx

 

[noon_child]

I think it is really important for you own sanity not to keep doing things for him that make it hard for you to get your own job done (looking after the children). I don't mean passive aggressively hoping he'll "notice" and change his ways. I mean just openly "I'm not making your lunch for tomorrow, you'll have to do it yourself" and if he asks why "because you are a grown man who agreed to a partnership, and before you try to guilt trip me, I know you are perfectly capable of rising to your responsibilities"
Oh and if he doesn't wake for his alarm and sleeps in - his responsibility!

I have done the same as pp and just stopped talking (I'm quite passive aggressive but it really doesn't work). When you OH calls you moody, I think you have to say calmly "no I'm not moody, just very, very lonely. I thought I had a partner to share everything with but Im not sure I do. It feels like I'm pretty much on my own"

Don't let someone guilt trip you. They can express how they feel (and you might not agree or have seen it from their side) but they aren't allowed to dictate how YOU ought to feel, and as soon as they start you need to stop them. No one can presume how you feel or ought to feel.

 

[highhopes19]

Well 5am Daisy woke and I pretended to be asleep... Eventually by the time we got to bed last night it was gone 2.... He had been in bed since 9:45.... I laid there pretending to be asleep when she woke so he had to get up with her- don't faint he did first time in 11 weeks!!
Last night when Daisy wouldn't settle I asked him if he could help me and he just went back to sleep- well this morning we overlaid Isabelle had to be in nursery for 9- we work at 9:15!! So there was me giving Isabelle the most quickest bath you could imagine- then she slipped over bless on her way into the bedroom... Whilst all this was happening he was pottering about down stairs and then came up and washed his hair over the bath!!

I had the health visitor coming at 9:30 (luckily She was running late) and I said to tom I'm gonna tell my health visitor that feel so down from lack of support and he went if I tell he that he's gonna tell her I'm an unfit mother.... I had pnd last time quite severely with Isabelle and have tried my best not to feel that way again but I'm slowly feeling more and more down as the weeks go on... The more and more tired I am

Apparently I don't appreciate him working hard l.... I do I always tell him and everyone How hard he works....
He doesn't appreciate me

 

[MindUtopia]

I think you really need to sit down and iron out what your expectations are of each other. If he has set work hours, it should be easy to know how much time he has before and after work and how much can be done in that time. Sit together and right up a chart of what needs to be done each day and give him his things to do. If he doesn't do them - like he doesn't come home and cook dinner on his nights - there won't be any dinner. If he doesn't do the wash on the day he's supposed to, there won't be any wash. Throw the dummy out so he can't use it at all. Make a note that he'll do the morning feeds on these days and let you sleep. Spell it all out so everyone knows what the expectations are. There's no excuse for saying he doesn't have enough time. My husband and I both work full-time. We get all those things done without having either of us home during the day by making good use of time before and after work. So it should be easy for him to get done what he needs to get done in the time he has. Also, stop making his lunch. He's a grown man. He can do it himself. Your job is to work on things around the house and child care during the day 9-5, just like his job is to go to work outside the house 9-5. Every other hour of the day tasks can be split evenly. My husband was up helping with every night feed until our daughter dropped them at 9 months, even while working full-time and running our business during the day. They really can do it. Just like we can be up all night with a sick kid and still get up and go to work the next day. You just have to say that you won't accept anything less.

 

[mummytobe_93]

Well 5am Daisy woke and I pretended to be asleep... Eventually by the time we got to bed last night it was gone 2.... He had been in bed since 9:45.... I laid there pretending to be asleep when she woke so he had to get up with her- don't faint he did first time in 11 weeks!!
Last night when Daisy wouldn't settle I asked him if he could help me and he just went back to sleep- well this morning we overlaid Isabelle had to be in nursery for 9- we work at 9:15!! So there was me giving Isabelle the most quickest bath you could imagine- then she slipped over bless on her way into the bedroom... Whilst all this was happening he was pottering about down stairs and then came up and washed his hair over the bath!!

I had the health visitor coming at 9:30 (luckily She was running late) and I said to tom I'm gonna tell my health visitor that feel so down from lack of support and he went if I tell he that he's gonna tell her I'm an unfit mother.... I had pnd last time quite severely with Isabelle and have tried my best not to feel that way again but I'm slowly feeling more and more down as the weeks go on... The more and more tired I am

Apparently I don't appreciate him working hard l.... I do I always tell him and everyone How hard he works....
He doesn't appreciate me

That's a form of mental abuse him telling you that he will tell your health visitor you're an unfit mother if you tell them you're feeling down from lack of support. That's really not a nice thing for him to say to you.

You need to lay it out on the table, without arguing or shouting just very clear. He needs to help out with the kids without being asked to help, share the night feeds if you're bottle feeding, help with household tasks and make his own lunch.

You are working just as much as him if not more, it's relentless, it's long, it's never ending and it's a thankless task at times being a mother. Being a mother to a baby that doesn't sleep well at night and doesn't nap in the day, as well as having a demanding toddler and a house to up keep us hard (I have a toddler and a baby too, and I do all the night feeds as baby is breastfed)...
My partner always tells me he will help by giving baby a bottle whenever I ask him he makes out its a massive chore, it's a pain. I haven't had more than 3 hours straight sleep in over 4 months I'm exhausted.

Honestly though, you're not asking for much. He is their father he should be doing 50% when he's home. Just because he brings home a pay check doesn't mean he's any more hard working than you. And he even gets to take toilet breaks and lunch breaks, mums don't.

Don't feel like you have to keep everything to yourself, tell your health visitor sooner rather than later before it gets worse.

I am also the same about my house. I have a very clean and tidy house and I'm very particular so when my other half leaves a towel on the floor or doesn't rinse the sink out once he's brushed his teeth it drives me mad, but once again he doesn't get that. Sometimes I have to just brush some things off other wise it would be never ending.

If you don't feel like you can talk to him without arguing you should write him a well thought out letter or text. Don't put the blame on him which will make him defensive. Just start off by saying you're struggling because you're so tired and if he was to do one night feed a night that would make you feel so much better and you'd be better to function in the day Etc x

 

[Larkspur]

Saying he'll tell the health visitor you're an unfit mother is an outrage!

Frankly, I would go right ahead and tell the HV you're struggling from lack of support AND that when you told your husband that you were going to say something, he said he'd tell them you were unfit if you said anything, so she can see exactly what you're up against!

 

[.Mrs.B.]

Sadly men just wont get just how much being a sahm means until the role is reversed. You're doing way more than your share here, he needs to accept your role as equal to his and spilt the chores 50/50 when he's at home. I cant believe he would have anything to complain about while having lunch, dinner and washing all done for him, how frustrating for you.

 

[highhopes19]

Thankyou everyone he apologised eventually!
But then on Thursday night it all kicked off again.... I felt fine up until about 5pm when Iooked at the time realised I had yet to start dinner and had done 3 loads of washing..... Isabelle had been helping herself to the fridge whilst I was busy and Daisy had started crying tom phoned me to say he was working till 7... But his signal was crap so every time he got cut off I would walk away from the phone and then he would ring again so I was getting all flustered and he could tell I was in a stressy mood
When he got home i was upstairs with the girls Isabelle was bathed and tucked up in bed after a story... But she doesn't settle until daddy is home properly.
I'd bathed Daisy and got her ready for bed... Tom walked in the door, said nun night to Isabelle and then went straight in the bedroom stomping about putting the washing away (I'd hung it all but I'm to short to reach the top rail of the built in wardrobe lol) I came up and we got bickering Isabelle came out and told us to be quiet.... I felt so bad so I went downstairs I have her a cuddle and tucked her back in bed.... My mum and dad used to fight whilst we was in bed and I don't want them to have that .
So anyway I was downstairs... Tom came down I said something to him and he just kept calling me names the C bomb to be precise I just saw red and and said to him how I felt
That I felt let down... That I was tired of doing everything always spending everyday on my own with the girls never seeing him... Fed up of tidying up after him etc I also said that when I found out I was pregnant with Daisy my biggest worry having another baby was feeling the way I felt before and he promised he would do more... And I said I can't cope with the baby I need a break from her at times as she does nothing but cry when I'm not holding her and with only me doing it all I'm exhausted

It broke me saying that!! I love my girls but I'll admit defeat I'm exhausted!!

Anyway Isabelle came out of her room and asked why I was crying and tom then told a 4 year old "mummy doesn't want Daisy anymore" Isabelle was then hysterical that I was giving her baby sister away I squeezed her and assured her that was silly I was just tired and need a little break that's all and that I love them more than anything.

How could he!! I never meant it like that!! And still why would you tell a 4 year old that!!

He went up and cheered her up saying he was joking but it broke my heart he told her that I was a mess crying that the thought of her laying in bed thinking that

I'll never forget him telling her that even if Isabelle does!

 

[highhopes19]

I told him I'll never forget him telling her that and he apologised to me he was nearly in tears.

But he's still adamant he does help!! Where I don't know!

It's so tense between us I don't know what to do!

It's just us and Daisy tonight Isabelle's having a sleepover with her cousin so we're going out when he finishes work!

Luckily Isabelle doesn't remember it... She's the sort that would bring it up so I'm preying she doesn't. We stayed at my mum and dads last night and Daisy slept through so I actually got a good nights sleep

 

[Rainbow82]

Honestly it sounds like it would be easier if he wasn't there, you do all his meals, his washing and ironing and pick up after him and he is doing nothing to help you at all.
Calling you names and saying those sorts of things to your daughter is unacceptable!
If he is so adamant that he does help maybe you could sit down together and each write down all of the things you do in the house and childcare then compare lists. Then write a list of all the things that need doing on a daily and weekly basis and split up who does them, include things like getting up at night there's no reason why you should be the only person doing that.

 

[Larkspur]

I agree with the above poster, it sounds harsh but he's not giving you any breaks or help, maybe you'd actually find it easier if you didn't have all his crap to deal with as well!! My OH does help a lot around the house, he's not perfect but he tries hard. When he went away for three weeks recently I actually found it easier most of the time without him. I worked totally to a schedule that worked for me and the kids, and as I already knew I had to do everything, I didn't have any feelings of resentment wearing me down.

What your OH said to your daughter is SO unacceptable. Cruel and immature. And calling you names is a sign of a bully. I would honestly tell him it's counseling for both of you, or separation. You do not deserve to be treated that way.

 

[tallybee]

Gosh Hun that's awful, he's not acting like an adult at all, more like a spoiled teenager who strops and is cruel and bullying when you point out that he's not wonderful in every way. You and the kids certainly deserve better. Would couples counselling be an option? Big hug shun I know how hard it is living with someone who will not pull their weight x

 

[laila 44]

I'm so sorry u are going through this. I don't have much advice except if my husband would tell my 4 year old daughter that I no longer wanted her baby sister id have slapped him so hard accross the face he wouldn't know what hit him.

 

[Elizdia]

I know exactly what your going through, I feel the same way, i feel like i've just had enough. I've tried telling my husband what he should be doing to help out and writing lists and everything but at the end of the day it doesn't help me! Because i have to mother him, i'm reminding him everyday still and watching over everything that he does in case he does;t do it or does it wrong. its ridiculous! When you look deep down into things.... all these issues just kill the love and its so hard to get back. they can say sorry till they are blue in the face, it does't fix anything. Its horrible, i know what your going through. I feel the same, i feel like giving up and saying you know what it'll probably be easier without you.

 

[tallybee]

^ you're right these things definitely do add up and kill the love. It's depressing really as to me it's simple things that they could just flipping well do which would make such a huge difference. Xx

 

[superfrizbee]

Is he the type of man you would like your daughters to marry one day? I think he sounds like a bully and mentally abusive. For me it would be counselling or nothing.

 

[Delphine11]

I feel so sorry for you. He's not stepping up to the plate and supporting you and his children. It sounds like you're doing everything.

Sometimes men get so defensive that you can't even politely ask them to do something. My ex was like that. He'd get in a mood and somehow make me feel it was my fault.

His bad behavioyr could be guilt maybe? Another thought is maybe he just can't see all the work to do, or appreciate how hard you work.

I'm not sure sharing out the jobs would work if he's going to be so defensive. If it was me, I'd prioritise the jobs - and just stop doing things like making his lunch. He can make his own. Also, don't set an alarm to get him up for work. That's his responsibility not yours. You can always say you were too tired after your hard night.

He's trying to put the blame back on you, I think. He's implying you can't cope and you struggle with Daisy. That's not true. HE'S the problem. Don't let him put you down. Concentrate on yourself and your children.

Take care xx

 

[Nagiko]

You said that staying at your mom and dad's was helpful for you. Is that something that you can repeat for a day or two? Maybe with him out of the picture for a few days, the situation will diffuse, and your husband can see what his future will be like if you ever decide to leave.

 

[twobecome3]

how are you doing?

i agree with all your points. you need to look at both sides though. from his point of view, you are always angry with him. everything he does is wrong. it would be awful to feel like that every day as well. you guys are stuck in a rut of being shitty to eachother, and need to figure out how to come together as a team.

its so hard to find balance, we go in and out of it. right now we are working really well as a team but it hasn't always been this way. to get here my oh needed to step up more, but i had to do my part which was let go of the little things, and just ask for time to myself instead of getting on with it and then being bitter about doing everything.