In need of practical advice for keeping my cool please

[AngelofTroy]

For the third time in 2 weeks I've ended up really shouting at my 2 year old.

I feel awful, especially as I know he's just being a normal toddler. It's no excuse, but I am stressed at the moment, we're very very close to exchanging contracts on our first house but little things keep getting in the way, we are also planning a wedding plus normal Christmas pressures.. But it's still not acceptable. I know everyone slips sometimes and that we'll be OK, so I don't need reassurance really, I just desperately need some practical advice on how to keep my cool when he's pushing all my buttons.

Counting to ten in my head isn't working when he's posting my carefully stenciled wedding invitations down the back of our dirty radiator! Or refusing to sleep when I desperately need nap time to ring solicitors.

Please please help me!

 

[seoj]

I too went through a VERY stressful time in my life (to say the least)-- as I'm sure all parents do. It's life. And we are human. And I know that was rough on my family at times too.

I think walking away sometimes is a must. Take a big breathe- remind yourself LO is an emotionally driven little person- and we have to help them through the rough times. I think, generally speaking, taking time out for YOU each day is important too. Even just an hour (if you can manage that). I go to the gym- I have a little downtime each day- and although the rest of the time I'm busy busy busy- those times help me so much!

I really think (for me at least)- just taking a breathe, talking calm (even talking through things with LO- although even at 2yrs I did that- not just for her but for ME), and reminding myself I want to do better... it's really worked. The moment I feel myself start to boil- you know the feeling- I walk away, or close my eyes and take a breathe, or just distract myself for a moment till I feel more balanced.

We are all a work in progress

 

[sheebee]

In times of stress the only thing we can really control is our breath. I find that reminder helpful when things get tough. I know it sounds a bit "wishy washy" but its the truth. Once you get control of your breath you can view things more objectively again.

Check out the Barefoot Doctor as I find his podcast can be quite helpful. As with everything, take what's helpful for you from it and disregard the rest. Happy to talk further if you think it might be of benefit.

 

[Wilsey]

My mantra is 'he's having a hard time not giving me a hard time'.

If you're having trouble you could just say 'I can't let you do x. It's made me a little mad so I just need a moment to myself in my room. I'll be back soon, when I'm feeling more calm.' I think just being honest with him is the best policy. It will model for him how he can deal with any anger he might have.

 

[the why bird]

I don't know about you, but I find it's never the first bit of mischief that makes me lose my temper, it's the third or fourth or fifth time she's pushed my buttons in a row. In fact, we're heading that way this morning already.

I've started doing a reset activity as soon as I start feeling myself getting tense with her. Even if I reeeeeaaally don't feel like it, I try to think of something a bit surprising and high-energy to do for two minutes with her and it seems to snap us both out of the funk before I get to the yelling part. Like I'll put on a really loud song and we'll have a dance together. Or I'll suddenly drop to the floor and chase her round on my knees pretending to be a lion. I try to surprise her and get her giggling which diffuses the grumps and usually when we finish she's forgotten what she was doing/whining about.

Also, and I know this is weird, but if I find myself scowling (usually a sign I'm getting close to snapping) I'll either whistle or suck a mint. For some reason using my face muscles for something else than frowning seems to help plus it's impossible to whistle and yell at the same time.

I've been making a conscious effort because I've yelled a few too many times lately and I don't like that side of me.

 

[MiniKiwi]

I went ballistic at my daughter once. Every time I feel the anger rising, I remind myself how awful I felt and have managed to never do it again.

I think a mamma-timeout is a good idea too, take yourself away for a moment before you feel like you're going to lose it. My DD's been driving me up the wall the last week, we are away, without her dad who she is missing and she's just playing up every day, most of the day. I keep trying to remind myself that she's just having a hard time. I do tell her sometimes though that I'm starting to feel angry and that seems to help.

 

[Angelbaby_01]

Following

 

[Wilsey]

I agree with 'the why bird'. The only times I get annoyed with my DS is when I give him too many chances. So now I ask or tell him what I want 'I can't let you throw your toy at the glass' and if he does it again I say, 'I can see you're having trouble keeping the toy in your hand, I'm going to help you by taking it away'.

If he throws a patty I say 'You wanted to keep throwing your toy at the glass. You're sad because I took your toy away.' etc. He can totally cry about it if he wants, he was probably having a great time, and I don't try and distract him from being upset, I just let him deal with his feelings.

 

[AngelUK]

I agree with pp. It is ok to let them know when you are upset, just not to take the anger out on them. So if he is pushing you too far, say to him, "mummy is really upset, I will go to the other room for a moment to calm down. And then when I come back we can talk about it" This would be a great model also for how you would want him to deal with anger in the future, to walk away and collect himself.
I also agree with giving too many chances. After you have told him that the rules are No throwing toys for example and he does it again, I would also take away the toy as Wilsey described. And one thing I am working on hard is to accept that they are allowed to whine and cry about it. Even though it is annoying to me, they are just expressing their upset emotions.
It is hard at times but I am hoping the more I practise and the more I am prepared with such reactions and sentences, the more I will internalise it and the more it will become second nature. In the meantime, tons of hugs to you!

 

[MommyJogger]

I think in your specific situation, if you have the money for it, I would hire a mother's helper for an hour or two for a few (couple?) days a week for the time right before nap time. It'll keep him at least mostly doing "approved" activities, it'll get some of his energy out and maybe lengthen your available time if it facilitates a nap, and it will give you a chance to get on top of what sounds like a mile-long to-do list. I would consider it part of the wedding budget, even, because it sounds like your frustration trigger might at least in part be an inability to feel like you're accomplishing tasks within the necessary time frame. I think giving yourself that time and getting things done and feeling super effective for part of the day will help you not hit flashover point when you're faced with these situations other days, and you'll also have a definite future time point you can look to to know when you'll have an opportunity to do more uninterrupted work, so it won't kill your mood when he does interrupt you.

 

[Desi's_lost]

Following as well. A lot of the suggestions are to walk away but..my DD is in the phase where she refuses to be in a room alone. So if I'm alone with the kids and trying to put DS to sleep, she'll hover over me and yell at me to put him down and such and some days I just can't take it. But she also will cry at the top of her lungs if I go upstairs so it doesn't help any of us. It's so rough.

When I don't have DD in my arms, sometimes I'll just hug her tight out of nowhere when she's whining and just being a pain. It catches her off guard and helps about half the time. My motto is that even if I lose my cool and yell, I try to explain to her how that was bad, that I'm sorry I yelled and that that isn't how you should talk to others. So at the least maybe that works it's way into her thinking too.

 

[Zephram]

Obviously it's not good to go completely bananas, but life is not all rainbows and lollipops and you can't be expected to smile and keep your cool all the time. Sometimes you get grumpy and that is normal and okay! It is also okay to let your toddler see bits of the length and breadth of your emotions.

As others have been saying, you just need to moderate your response so it's not out of proportion with the event, but there is nothing existentially wrong with occasionally being in a right mood at a toddler who is playing up. You are only human. So if you feel like you can't keep a lid on it, you walk away and give yourself a mummy timeout. And if you do yell, then later when you're calm you explain to your toddler that you lost your cool and say that sometimes mummy needs to take a moment too. I really don't believe that any child was damaged by being exposed to the normal, moderated frustrations of daily life. If it really is an occasional thing then don't feel bad or guilty about it.

 

[AngelofTroy]

So much fantastic advice here ladies, thank you I haven't 'thanked' everyone because I'm on my phone and it reloads every time lol but big thank yous to all of you. Xx

I'll update next time I need to use those strategies and see how I do. I do try the 'I won't let you XYZ' and removing it but sometimes he's just too fast! Or what do you do when it looks like they are listening but then they wait until you turn your back and do it again? Do I have to start putting things away with no warning? (feels a bit unfair)

 

[AngelofTroy]

I think in your specific situation, if you have the money for it, I would hire a mother's helper for an hour or two for a few (couple?) days a week for the time right before nap time. It'll keep him at least mostly doing "approved" activities, it'll get some of his energy out and maybe lengthen your available time if it facilitates a nap, and it will give you a chance to get on top of what sounds like a mile-long to-do list. I would consider it part of the wedding budget, even, because it sounds like your frustration trigger might at least in part be an inability to feel like you're accomplishing tasks within the necessary time frame. I think giving yourself that time and getting things done and feeling super effective for part of the day will help you not hit flashover point when you're faced with these situations other days, and you'll also have a definite future time point you can look to to know when you'll have an opportunity to do more uninterrupted work, so it won't kill your mood when he does interrupt you.

It's a great idea but I don't think I'd be that comfortable with it until I knew someone well and if they were in the house I'd have to tidy before they came!
In the school holidays my mum often takes him out for an hour though so that will be useful.

 

[Larkspur]

Do I have to start putting things away with no warning? (feels a bit unfair)

Bit of a swings and roundabouts situation. When I know I'm stressed out, I do put away LO's more annoying toys, and I'm in the habit of making sure there's nothing lying around that I would be angry if he got into. Better a bit unfair than yelling, which is also unfair (but happens to everyone when things get too much).

 

[sheldonsmommy]

Such a tough situation! I think all mons go through this though. If I can't immediately walk away, I try to distract my son with whatever after explaining why he did wrong, then I'll take a mommy timeout. Eat some chocolate, get some fresh air, whatever.

Sometimes it helps me to remember that the things that 'need' to get done can wait (if he won't nap or is rambunctious during his quiet time). Deferring the necessities gives you a little more leeway

 

[twobecome3]

tv
toss them in the bath with lots of toys/crayons/bubbles


I've started smoking again (not recommended, lol) so I put on Little Bear and sequester myself on the balcony for 10 mins.


soft-playground is great too, me toddler doesn't want anything to do with me there so I let her loose and read a book. could easily get any calls, planning, etc done there.

also- sectioning off some areas. we have a baby gate up around our computer still as she wont leave it alone, I don't have the energy for the constant battle, and I don't want a broken computer

 

[AngelUK]

Following as well. A lot of the suggestions are to walk away but..my DD is in the phase where she refuses to be in a room alone. So if I'm alone with the kids and trying to put DS to sleep, she'll hover over me and yell at me to put him down and such and some days I just can't take it. But she also will cry at the top of her lungs if I go upstairs so it doesn't help any of us. It's so rough.

I just recently read this article about something like that and thought maybe this could help you too? xx

 

[catty]

I have started doing this. Its always after hes done it a few times and he knows he shouldn't be doing it that I snap. He kept tugging on a drawer on the £400 sideboard, I kept moving him away and explaining not to. Hed go back and do it again, I heard a crack and he had completely ripped the drawer to bits somehow, he is a very strong boy. I actually went insane and was such a nasty mum to him that day I kept going on and on.
anyway since that day unless hes in danger I walk away, I really dont want to be that angry mum anymore so I go into the kitchen have a drink and compose myself and then go back.
I understand why your frustrated though as you have things you really meed to get done. Could he do a quiet activity whilst your in the phone maybe?