insensitive friend

[Elly]

My first posting...ever! I had my first m/c at 10 wks in early Nov, and am surprised by lack of understanding from so called 'friends'. Is any one else experiencing this?

One of my best friends, who is newly pregnant (7wks), declared that 'if yours had gone ahead the babies would only be born 8 wks apart' in a very pointed way (not a sympathetic way). She said it in such a competitive way, left me feeling worthless and like a leper! Am I paranoid or was she being insensitive? I am so angry about it .. it's made me feel as if my experience was worthless, and as if we are in some sort of competition! All I can think about now is that when her baby is born mine would have been 8 wks old!

Although I have been happily married for years, we hadn't planned for a baby, so it was an almightly shock, but we had come round to the idea. I think my friend thinks cos it wasn't planned it wasn't important. I'm really delighted for her and have no feelings of jealousy (not planning on having another 'surprise' for a while!), just don't understand her insensitivity.

Most of the time I feel OK, but then I have moments where I feel really teary and lonely - no one seems to talk about mc in the real world (just cyber) - it's all swept under the carpet. I've decided to keep it all to myself (and my very wonderful OH) as am fed up of being dismissed by her and others.

Sorry for long post, what do you lovely ladies think?

 

[Alexas Mommy]

welcome and sorry for your loss.. that is pretty insensitive of your friend she should have kept her thoughts to herself.

 

[Lyns]

Aww, sweetie. welcome and

I utterly detest the way that mc is almost taboo for conversation..whether baby was planned or 'just happened' ....as though its a dirty word...sadly your 'friend' is not alone....there are a lot of people like her that seem to excel at 'foot in mouth' on this subject.

Stick around here sweetie....we'll be happy to support you...sadly (isn't it always), there's a few of us have lost lately, so you are in 'good' company here xx

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry she was so insensitive to you.

People don't want to talk about it, esp. if it wasn't planned. A lot of times people just aren't good with death, and don't know what to say (not that it's ok to be insensitive).

 

[WelshRose]

awww hunni

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetheart and for the fact that you seem to have one very insensitive friend

 

[KKSARAH]

So sorry for your loss, Just want to give u a
And to let you know your never alone on B&B

 

[Wishfull]

It does sound a bit insensitve of her. I have friends in the " real world " that never ever mention the m/c. When i do talk about it i get some stupid idiot friends of mine saying somethings they know nothing about like. " You didnt want the baby" " You werent ready anyway". When i hear things like that an what i see in there eyes is that they really dont understand how i feel or how i felt. I too until i had the m/c didnt know the true extent to what it was all about. The feeling of utter dispair. The grief the loniless. Before i had the m/c i had only known of 1 other woman to have had a m/c. And looking back all i thought or said to her was im so sorry for your loss. But i remember looking back. She was a friend of a friend and everytime i seen her after that. She seemed like she was holding a secret. Like a heavy weight. And now i can see clearly what she felt. The heavy weight was the pain in her heart. And the emptyness where her baby should be in her arms. Its a terrible thing for anyone to go through and no one should ever have to go through it. But unless you have experienced such a loss. I dont think anyone really knows how insensitive little words can seem. These people never met our little babys. They were not around long enough for people to feel like they got to know them. Its only us ladies who felt our babys with our womb and with our hearts.
Im so sorry for all our losses its really not fair.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[DaisyDuke]

So sorry for ur loss i think she was being insensitive. And i know exactly what u mean by people brusing it under the carpet, it winds me up my baby was so important to me also and i dont want to pretent in never existed. You have every right to be upset with her, if u feel ur close enough maybe have a word in a more tactful way then she did when she made her comment

 

[Omi]

Im so sorry, too hun. And yes, i think it was insensitive.

Although i have beem able to talk about it to a certain extent, its only to the few people i know that are ttc ( and /or w/fertility probs and all of them have been heratbroken for me) or my best friend (and OH of course).

Having said that, i do feel mc is a dirty word and i certainly dont feel like people wanna know...its like somone said, like death or something only worse. I wish i could say to people when they ask how ive been etc..'oh, you know, not so good, i just had a mc'. But i wont cause, as i said, i just feel people dont wanna know! Grrr! Its like..'oh, you know...it happens so often for so many people..you'll get over it!' YOU EFFING GET OVER IT!!

Anywhoo..i can very much understand how you feel, honey, planned or not, this was a life that you carried and it means the world to you that you've lost it.

Please take good care and do not ever feel too alone to come on here and vent ot just express how you feel- we at least know how you feel, sweerheart!

Lots of Hugs, Omi xxx

 

[moomoo]

Hey hun, i know what your going through..ive had countless comments from so called friends.."oh it was only a bunch of cells anyway" or "better luck next time" yeh cuz at 11 weeks a baby is really a bunch of cells you idiots!!!!??

https://www.babyandbump.com/miscarriage-support/77214-baby-clothes-left-desk.html

Heres on example of a thread i recently left..(there are 3 preg people in my office)

More recently we have had practically the whole nursery delivered to our office, curtains, cot blankets the lot.

Just goes to show there are some pretty insensitive people around

xx

 

[Elly]

Aw, thanks girls - it is reassuring to know others feel the same, and have had similar experiences. I guess it's one of those things people say when they just don't understand.

Thanks for your support.

 

[liliellesmum]

I don't think anyone can understand what it is like to loose a baby unless they have been through it, and even then everyone's grieving process is different. I m/c at 6 weeks- like you it was a "surprise" baby but we were thrilled anyway (I was breastfeeding and on the mini pill!) and while most friends were very sympathetic, i had one say "oh well you'll have another one" very vaguely and then followed up with "yay, you'll be able to drink at my engagement party!!"- little does she know i am now 4wks and 3days with another little bundle so definately won't be drinking! At the end of the day i have now decided that until i have had a scan at 12 weeks and know everything is ok i won't be telling "friends" like her. Every miscarriage is a huge loss and our babies will never be forgotten, it's a scar on your soul that will never completely heal, but needs to be there to remind us of our beautiful little bundles of joy that we didn't get to meet.

 

[haaza123]

People just dont understand unless they have been through it themselves. Most of my friends dont even mention it and when i do try and talk about it, they become silent. Most of my friends are pregnant right now, one of them asks me lots of pregnancy questions. It really hurts when she does. One day she asked me why i didnt go into midwifery because i know so much. (Felt like ripping her hair out) People dont understand how much you want a baby. When i first was pregnant i wasnt planning it either but felt excited about it. After i lost my baby i longed for another since. After each mc i've had has made me long for it more and more.

to you, we understand here
xx

 

[Orange lady]

I had a missed miscarriage about 2 weeks ago, with ERPC. My first pregnancy. My friend found out that she was pregnant about a month after me. Once I had told her that my baby had died, I didn't hear from her for a while. No replies to emails and texts. She did finally email me telling me that I didn't "seem quite myself". Seriously people have no idea! Miscarriage unfortunately is something people don't want to talk about which is ridiculous considering how common it is.
Try not to worry about your friend. Perhaps give her a wide berth for a while til you feel a little stronger.
Take care.