Interferring inlaws?

[JadeCrusader]

**Slight rant advisory** If you only have negative things to say to me, then please, move along. This is a rant, and something I just want to get off my chest.

I love my MIL and SIL's to death! They're my absolute favorite people in the world. They, however, do a lot of things that I would never choose to do for myself, but hey? They're not me, so more power to them.

(note: I'm vegan, and the only time I eat "un-vegan" is when I'm with the family) The other day I was joking to my MIL about how I shouldn't be eating this chicken nugget while I'm pregnant because my LO will be wanting it when he/she comes out and they aren't going to get it 'cause we're vegan! I was laughing and joking about it when my MIL slipped in, "Oh, don't worry, he or she will be getting PLENTY of chicken when they come over to my house!"

This isn't the first time she's eluded to going against our thoughts and beliefs when "the kid's at my house". Which is why I am not wanting her to babysit or have playdates at all. I feel like there's no respect for our wishes here.

I really hate that... This will be my baby, not hers. She's had five kids, and five chances to do things her way, so I really think she should step back and let me do things my way for once since this will be my child and not hers, and if I say "No chicken, my child gets enough protein and iron from the food I carefully prepare for him/her at home" then that should be the end of it, right?

I know a lot of you aren't vegan, and I totally respect that. More power to you! They're your kids! But what if you MIL WAS vegan and she said "No way, you're kid is getting NO MILK, NO CHEESE, NO MEAT while at MY house!" Wouldn't that torque you?? I mean, that's your baby and you want your baby to eat meat! How dare she tell you that isn't what your baby is going to eat, right?

I also hate that they don't believe in car seats. They just hope the cops don't pull them over (and they never have, even though they babysit the neighbors kids and take them out all the time. I'm really surprised she's never been pulled over for that before)

Also, their house, inside and out is like a landfill (including animal droppings from all the dogs and cats). You can barely walk for all the stuff and I've tripped down their stairs more than once (I even tore my lateral miniscus in my knee and had to have surgery) Is it wrong of me to not want my kids over there? DH says that he grew up just fine (and he did, he's very well adjusted and doesn't follow suit, but he's pretty much the only one out of her five kids that aren't JUST like that). He sees his mom as a free babysitter and wants to utilize her "services" as much as possible when baby comes. I don't agree at all but my opinion doesn't usually hold much weight.

If you've read my last couple posts or so you'll see that DH isn't really on board for the baby anyway .

What should I do and what would you do? I'm just flustered and sad right now... I know I shouldn't be worrying so much yet since I have until June of 2012 before baby comes, but still... I can't help but worry about this one for some reason. Probably the hormones

 

[Housewife83]

What worries me most about your post is the car seat issue. It isn't funny that they don't respect your opinions on that issue. I wouldn't let them drive my LO anywhere unsupervised because I'd be really worried they wouldn't use a car seat. I don't know what the law is like where you are but its really really strict in my country. I'd be terrified my LO would be taken into care.

Also the animal droppings and dirty home. I believe that children shouldn't live in germ free bubbles because it isn't good for them but there is a limit. It is a scientific fact that animal droppings can contain germs and other organisms that are bad for children. They can even go blind!!

I agree with you about not wanting your LO to go over. It's difficult because you enjoy such a good relationship with them so I don't know how you can approach it, but you don't want to put Lo in danger.

 

[SabrinaKat]

Why not be the over-protective mummy/mommy and be there whenever baby is there, so you can monitor the food, make sure about the car seat and double-check regarding animal dirt? Don't get upset, make a joke of your 'overprotectiveness' and maybe this way, you get your point across and they can laugh about your OTT/overprotective behaviour, but secretly, you get what you want?

In my case, I love my MIL, but she's somewhat shaky on her feet/hands, so my dh and I have decided that baby is best with me BUT if she's sitting down on the couch, then baby can visit granny, but it's because baby is so wiggly, not because of my worries. (baby isn't here yet, but just to give you an example....)

best wishes (and regardless of vegan/vegatarian, as long as you're healthy, so is baby!)

(17wks+4/5, but can't understand how to insert a ticker...)

 

[citymouse]

I think your MIL needs to respect the way you choose to raise your child and the diet you select for him/her, but there's a chance she's getting mixed signals from the fact that you sometimes eat chicken, etc. Still, what you say should go as far as the baby's food goes. I mean, his/her little system may not react well to meat/dairy if that isn't a usual part of the diet, and does your MIL want to be responsible for your child having an upset stomach and being sick?

The car seat thing and the animal droppings would be zero tolerance for me. No way would my baby ride with someone who refused to keep it safe (and obey the law!) and no way would I let my child be around animal waste. Babies put everything in their mouths and you don't need your baby getting ill from that kind of thing.

Ah, MILs! Aren't they a joy?

 

[Maxi]

Ok as for car seat and animal droppings - I think its pretty obvious what most people would think there.

But the vegan thing - I was raw vegan up until recently (I have to have just vegan or vegetarian periods other wise I tend to get hospitalized! So a no go thru pregnancy for me) and alot of people (my soon to be MIL too btw) are just ignorant of the fact that we dont eat less food than 'normal people' just different food.

Some of my co-workers were amazed to find out I had 'Bacon' for breakfast recently (not raw just vegan) and that it had pretty much more nutrients and less bad carp in it than real bacon... And tastes better when u dont have to watch out for fat and grisle!!

I think you should try and educate her a bit, if that fails be over protective!
You're a mum its the only time you get to be obsessive and over board protective and not be allowed to get any flack for it

My soon to be MIL's one birthday present this year is a book about veganism - Ill let u kno how that works out

 

[AveryATL]

No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. There are several things about your post that bother me.

First, there is ABSOLUTELY ZERO chance that my child will ride in a car with anyone who does not have a car seat. NO ONE thinks that they are going to be the one that gets in an accident until it happens - and if they do get pulled over, the cop won't just let them go, the cop won't let them leave without a child in a car seat.

Your MIL should absolutely respect your wishes for your child, in regards to their diet. I might respond to your MIL with a something like "I guess we will really have to discuss some ground rules before my LO comes over".

You have to stand up for yourself and your LO. If YOU are not their advocate for health and safety, who will be?

The second thing about your post that bothered me was that you said that you have no input in discussions with your DH. That is not a great thing for a relationship, and when you have your LO, again, you have to be able to be an advocate for him. Maybe you can start asserting yourself now, to practice before the LO comes??

 

[Leopard]

I won't really make a comment on the food issues; because my belief is that the grandparents are allowed to spoil the grandchild.

The carseat issue is a HUGE safety issue, carseats were invented for a reason; like seatbelts they are there to prevent deaths and serious injury. I would be telling them straight that no carseat; no driving with bub. Simple. As for the animal poop, it is dangerous for the bub if it is not cleaned up (imagine if bub ate it!).

You need to tell them who is boss and not stand for the sh*t.

 

[toddlerandpip]

I don't understand how a vegan can eat chickens so won't comment on that. I don't let my mil alone with my toddler at all as she can't be trusted. She ignored people telling her what to do, so if she won't listen I'm not prepared to let her look after her. Ifd your inlaws won't use a cars seat, don't them them have your lo. Simples.

 

[keepontrying]

No way on god green earth would my child ride in a car without a car seat or be in a place full of animal excrement!!!

Regarding the food issue, maybe she would respect it more if you were stricter..... i mean you waver from vegan round their house so why would she assume that baby wouldnt, Im tending to think you brought that on yourself.

The other two issues are health and safety, there would be no compromise. She wants to baby sit, she does it at your house. No car rides ... period!

 

[chichestermum]

With their views on car seats then rides in their car without you being there yourself to strap in and keep baby in the car seat would be a no go!
Unless house was cleaned then i wouldnt be taking baby around,even if he/she was to be carried around for the entire stay he/she would be breathing in the particles in the air from the droppings and that is not good for anyone never mind a baby!

I also think that maybe if you were stricter then she would respect your beliefs more, but its still not up to her to say that baby will be getting chicken when he/she is there, Id just not allow her to babysit or if you decided you needed her to babysit then id have her sit at your house, but then who is there to stop her taking out your baby in the car with no car seat?
As for your OH, tell him your concerns, tell him what will be happening and tell him that is the end if it, you dont want to be risking your babys safety in a mucky home or being driven around dangerously.

I havent read your previous posts about your OH not being on board with baby but if it just down to do with the male nerves then ...
i think your Oh may come around to the idea of having a baby, your only early on and it takes men a hell of a long time to get used to things! my OH although wanted our 2nd baby and suggested we stared TTC earlier than we had planned he got very distant after we found out and started doubting himself and saying he wasnt sure if he could do it etc, it took him until the 6 week scan to believe it was real after the 12 week scan he tried to make an effort for me and bought an outfit but i could tell he still wasnt sure even at the 20 week scan when we found out it was going to be another daddies little girl he wasnt fully on board, but since about week 30 he has been more excited than me! lol! hes egged me on to get the nursery finished, hes asked if he can paint the corner of our bedroom were the moses basket will be, he moved the moses basket into our room yesterday because he decided it looks better waiting there and baby might come earlier to use it lol! Us women who are ready for children become excited the minute we see 2 lines on a pregnancy test! it takes men slightly longer, usually about 9 months or until baby is born, whichever is first! xxxxxxxx

 

[Alias]

**Slight rant advisory** If you only have negative things to say to me, then please, move along. This is a rant, and something I just want to get off my chest.

I love my MIL and SIL's to death! They're my absolute favorite people in the world. They, however, do a lot of things that I would never choose to do for myself, but hey? They're not me, so more power to them.

(note: I'm vegan, and the only time I eat "un-vegan" is when I'm with the family) The other day I was joking to my MIL about how I shouldn't be eating this chicken nugget while I'm pregnant because my LO will be wanting it when he/she comes out and they aren't going to get it 'cause we're vegan! I was laughing and joking about it when my MIL slipped in, "Oh, don't worry, he or she will be getting PLENTY of chicken when they come over to my house!"

This isn't the first time she's eluded to going against our thoughts and beliefs when "the kid's at my house". Which is why I am not wanting her to babysit or have playdates at all. I feel like there's no respect for our wishes here.

I really hate that... This will be my baby, not hers. She's had five kids, and five chances to do things her way, so I really think she should step back and let me do things my way for once since this will be my child and not hers, and if I say "No chicken, my child gets enough protein and iron from the food I carefully prepare for him/her at home" then that should be the end of it, right?

In relation to this, if you are 'non-vegan' in front of her, than I can sorta see why she thinks that feeding the child non-vegan food will be ok. If you don't force the vegan thing for yourself, then she probably doesn't take it very seriously. Maybe stop eating non-vegan with family as well they'll realise you mean business. Of course it should be your rules when it comes to your child, but at the moment you're not following/enforcing the rules for yourself. It creates a double standard of sorts. Start pushing the vegan thing before the baby is born, and give her time to get up to speed with it!

With my MIL, she thought I was being controlling and overprotective when I sent DD to her with all her food etc, and a strict timetable of when she would eat/sleep (and had to add nappy changes to it, since she didn't bother unless told ) but she realised after she tried to ignore the schedule a few times that I know my daughter and am only telling her a schedule to make her life easier!

Others have covered the car and cleaning issues and said anything I could say

 

[chobette]

I agree with a couple other posters, she may be getting mixed signals if you are eating chicken while out with them, but then saying your child won't get any themselves. It's one of those do as I say, not as I do...and I think they see that. Perhaps if you stuck to your vegan diet while out with family, it would get the point across.

As for the car seat issue, forget it. That is definitely ridiculous, I can see why you wouldn't want them over there.
As for the cleanliness, if she wants playdates or time with her grandchild, have her come to your house.
- My FIL is a recovering alcohol addict, and he's doing great, but his house is still a dump and his house still smells like smoke. As a mom, I will maintain my stand on not wanting my child to go to a mold/smoke induced environment as I have had respiratory problems and don't want my child to be exposed either.
So, I would do what you feel is right for your child, if you don't want to expose your child, then DON'T, and don't let others influence you into doing otherwise, you know your child best.
I would however talk to your in-laws at some point before your baby is born so you can tell them your view point and let them know it stands, otherwise it may cause issues after the baby is born and they wonder why you haven't brought your child around. xx

 

[sweetm]

I really hate that... This will be my baby, not hers. She's had five kids, and five chances to do things her way, so I really think she should step back and let me do things my way for once since this will be my child and not hers, and if I say "No chicken, my child gets enough protein and iron from the food I carefully prepare for him/her at home" then that should be the end of it, right?

I know a lot of you aren't vegan, and I totally respect that. More power to you! They're your kids! But what if you MIL WAS vegan and she said "No way, you're kid is getting NO MILK, NO CHEESE, NO MEAT while at MY house!" Wouldn't that torque you?? I mean, that's your baby and you want your baby to eat meat! How dare she tell you that isn't what your baby is going to eat, right?

I also hate that they don't believe in car seats. They just hope the cops don't pull them over (and they never have, even though they babysit the neighbors kids and take them out all the time. I'm really surprised she's never been pulled over for that before)

Also, their house, inside and out is like a landfill (including animal droppings from all the dogs and cats). You can barely walk for all the stuff and I've tripped down their stairs more than once (I even tore my lateral miniscus in my knee and had to have surgery) Is it wrong of me to not want my kids over there? DH says that he grew up just fine (and he did, he's very well adjusted and doesn't follow suit, but he's pretty much the only one out of her five kids that aren't JUST like that). He sees his mom as a free babysitter and wants to utilize her "services" as much as possible when baby comes. I don't agree at all but my opinion doesn't usually hold much weight.

If you've read my last couple posts or so you'll see that DH isn't really on board for the baby anyway .

What should I do and what would you do? I'm just flustered and sad right now... I know I shouldn't be worrying so much yet since I have until June of 2012 before baby comes, but still... I can't help but worry about this one for some reason. Probably the hormones

Girl, I totally understand where you're coming from, whether it be your comments on diet, safety, and hygiene. My MIL knows no boundaries, and I know it is going to be tough. She makes decisions on what I can or cannot do, and acts as if this is her baby.

My MIL doesn't eat meat, and seems to think that carbs = protein. She always criticizes me for eating too much protein (I'm lucky to get 50g a day). Apparently, I'm only supposed to be eating salad and vegetables.

MIL's house is filthy and used to have a black spore mold problem. They stopped the mold from spreading, but they never removed the moldy carpet/plaster. There is no way my newborn is going to her house.

She has already "decided" to move in with DH and I right after baby is born (she lives less than 2 km away, ffs) and I'm completely against it. My DH doesn't know how to say no to his mom. My plan is to tell her to go away, and if my DH isn't on board with me, then he's getting kicked out as well. Sounds harsh, but its my home, my baby, my rules.

You'll have to stand up to your MIL! It's going to be hard, but it is YOUR baby, not hers. Be a Mama Bear and do what you need to do for your little one.

 

[JadeCrusader]

Thank you for the support

As for my husband, it was surprising to me but he took a quick turnaround yesterday and is now fully on board. I just don't think he really believed this might be happening, and his interesting sense of humor was making me misunderstand him. We had a talk and things are cool now .

As for the car seat thing, I hope I can enforce it, but this woman is very strong willed. DH is behind me on everything so hopefully we can either convince her, or only have supervised playdates until baby is old enough to not need one (that could take quite a few years though, lol).

As for the Veganism, the only reason I eat meat around them is because they serve it to me. I can't say "Your food isn't good enough, take it away", but I totally see your point. Maybe if we spoke to them about how we really want to buckle down on it then they'll get the picture. It's weird too, because she was Vegan for about a year and totally gets why we do it. She stopped, but she still totally gets it. I think right now she's stuck on the "this is my grandbaby" instead of "this is YOUR child". I hope she figures it out soon. Yes, she's grandma, but that doesn't make her law.

I think my biggest concern was her flippant attitude towards the situation, and the fact that I said no just made her laugh which rubbed me the wrong way. I told DH and he also laughed at me too and didn't believe it went down the way until last night when he brought it up himself and she gave him the same response. His face completely changed and he was like "No. I'm serious. Unless we decide that the baby is going to start eating animal products, then it's a no." and she laughed at him again and still said she'd give it to him/her regardless.

We've been thinking it all through and have decided what we're going to do here (which involves compromising, etc, I had like two huge paragraphs written out about our game plan but it was long and boring and I doubt anyone cares but DH and I so I deleted it).

I think my main concern is her flippant attitude about the whole thing. I really feel like this is our chance to make some decisions and it just really encroaches on my space when she says I don't get that right. Argh; family .

 

[JadeCrusader]

I really hate that... This will be my baby, not hers. She's had five kids, and five chances to do things her way, so I really think she should step back and let me do things my way for once since this will be my child and not hers, and if I say "No chicken, my child gets enough protein and iron from the food I carefully prepare for him/her at home" then that should be the end of it, right?

I know a lot of you aren't vegan, and I totally respect that. More power to you! They're your kids! But what if you MIL WAS vegan and she said "No way, you're kid is getting NO MILK, NO CHEESE, NO MEAT while at MY house!" Wouldn't that torque you?? I mean, that's your baby and you want your baby to eat meat! How dare she tell you that isn't what your baby is going to eat, right?

I also hate that they don't believe in car seats. They just hope the cops don't pull them over (and they never have, even though they babysit the neighbors kids and take them out all the time. I'm really surprised she's never been pulled over for that before)

Also, their house, inside and out is like a landfill (including animal droppings from all the dogs and cats). You can barely walk for all the stuff and I've tripped down their stairs more than once (I even tore my lateral miniscus in my knee and had to have surgery) Is it wrong of me to not want my kids over there? DH says that he grew up just fine (and he did, he's very well adjusted and doesn't follow suit, but he's pretty much the only one out of her five kids that aren't JUST like that). He sees his mom as a free babysitter and wants to utilize her "services" as much as possible when baby comes. I don't agree at all but my opinion doesn't usually hold much weight.

If you've read my last couple posts or so you'll see that DH isn't really on board for the baby anyway .

What should I do and what would you do? I'm just flustered and sad right now... I know I shouldn't be worrying so much yet since I have until June of 2012 before baby comes, but still... I can't help but worry about this one for some reason. Probably the hormones

Girl, I totally understand where you're coming from, whether it be your comments on diet, safety, and hygiene. My MIL knows no boundaries, and I know it is going to be tough. She makes decisions on what I can or cannot do, and acts as if this is her baby.

My MIL doesn't eat meat, and seems to think that carbs = protein. She always criticizes me for eating too much protein (I'm lucky to get 50g a day). Apparently, I'm only supposed to be eating salad and vegetables.

MIL's house is filthy and used to have a black spore mold problem. They stopped the mold from spreading, but they never removed the moldy carpet/plaster. There is no way my newborn is going to her house.

She has already "decided" to move in with DH and I right after baby is born (she lives less than 2 km away, ffs) and I'm completely against it. My DH doesn't know how to say no to his mom. My plan is to tell her to go away, and if my DH isn't on board with me, then he's getting kicked out as well. Sounds harsh, but its my home, my baby, my rules.

You'll have to stand up to your MIL! It's going to be hard, but it is YOUR baby, not hers. Be a Mama Bear and do what you need to do for your little one.

Wow, Lady, you have it even worse!

If it were me though, I think I would actually be happy if my MIL came to live with us (because we get along so great most of the time), and maybe she would be given the chance to see "Hey, they CAN do this" and settle down a tad, but she is tied up at her place and wouldn't be able to do that .

I'm actually hoping that it's just all the uncontained excitement about a new little one that has everyone so high strung and pushy (I know it's affecting me!) and that things will settle down when it's not such a "new game", ya know?

 

[citymouse]

Maybe you could get your MIL a book of treats for vegan kids, and let her choose a few things that will be easy for her and that LO will only get to have at her house--so she still can give special treats, but they're within your dietary restrictions?

She might feel like she is getting to spoil the baby if there's a special "grandma's house only" type of treat.

 

[AP]

Just dont leave your child unattended with them. Its easy enough when you put your foot down.

 

[Amethyste]

I am worry about the carseat issue too. It is sad to say but some children have died because of that !!! And i can't even imagine the trouble they would be if the police catch them ! I would tell my MIL if i were you.

The only problem with my MIL is that she bought lots of stuff which i am very grateful but she doesn't ask us what we want. So she ended up buying us a bumper set out of the blue but we don't want one cos they are not safe. So we told her and she is gonna send it back but even if we were gonna have one, i would have loved to choose one myself !!! And then she was wondering what we were gonna do when we come to visit her because i don't want a moses baket so the baby won't have anywhere to sleep. Note that she lives 15min from us and that visits usually last few hours so i don't know what she expect. Now i feel really very guilty for saying and going on about that, particularly when you have reals problems with your MIL !!!

So, for the vegan thing, you should def tell her, as other people said, she probably expect you to let LO eat unvegan food outside your home (the same way you do when you are out).

As for the hygiene it is normal that you want somewhere clean for your LO. Can you make up an excuse to have her babysit at your place instead ?

 

[Alias]

As for the Veganism, the only reason I eat meat around them is because they serve it to me. I can't say "Your food isn't good enough, take it away", but I totally see your point. Maybe if we spoke to them about how we really want to buckle down on it then they'll get the picture. It's weird too, because she was Vegan for about a year and totally gets why we do it. She stopped, but she still totally gets it. I think right now she's stuck on the "this is my grandbaby" instead of "this is YOUR child". I hope she figures it out soon. Yes, she's grandma, but that doesn't make her law.

You absolutely can say you won't eat her food if it's not vegan, albeit in a slightly politer way than that. Eat before you visit so you're not starving, and then when she presents you with chicken (or whatever), just say 'I'm sorry, that's not on my diet' or something similar. Eat the veg and bread, skip the meat. I don't know why you're vegan, but if you're only part time vegan, then it's just not going to work when you try to enforce it for your child. Even the child is eventually going to say 'but Mummy, you eat it at grandmas!'

 

[Ceejay123]

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