Is anyone else as rubbish as me?

[Bumpontherun]

Hi ladies,

I'm posting in this section rathet than babyclub as I think/hope I maybe have more in common with mums on here. I'm feeling really down and just feel I haven't got the hang of parenting at all and that I've messed up with Helen.

I love her so much, she's a really happy smiley baby and rarely cries,maybe that's part of the problem. I have never been able to just lay her down to sleep, I always picked her up as soon as she cried. At first she slept next to me and fed herself to sleep in my bed. Gradually I have bben able to feed her to sleep then move her to the moses basket. She was sleepin 8/9-4 and then 5-6:30/7 until 3 nights ago. Now she's waking at 12/1 for a feed and then only goes back down for s couple of hours before basically being awake feeding and dozing in my arms for the day. I don't sleep well co sleeping and I can't catch up on sleep during the day as she either sleeps on me with her head next to the boob or in a moving pram or sling. Everyone from my ante natal classes can lay their babies down to sleep and I feel lile such a failure that I can't. I'm the only one who can put Helen to bed and she needs me to nap, I just feel so tired and overwhelmed. I have the no cry sleep solution but just feel it's not going to work for me.I'm on the brink of giving up BF and handing DH baby and formula and telling him to sort everything out.

Today I tried controlled crying even though I know you're not ment to. She fell asleep after I went back at 10 mins but only slept for 20 mins before she woke up crying and I couldn't bear to do it again. Now I hate myself for being so cruel to her and am worried I have damaged her forever. Please can anybody suggest anything or reassure me that even a situaation as bad as mine will get better?

Thanks for reading

 

[ryder]

What you described is not my definition of controlled crying. And 3 months is pretty young to be really tight with routines. I've always been one for routines, dont get me wrong, but babies need flexibility.

My definition of controlled crying, or controlled settling if you would rather, is to still comfort the baby. I have a music box thing that will play soothing nature sounds and thing which I always put on, and I always stayed and rubbed Jasmines back etc while she went off to sleep. I only started doing this occasionally when Jasmine began to be more alert and didn't always fall sleep having her bottle. It worked for us and had minimal crying, once I thought she was asleep or whatever I would leave.

I also had a fisher price aquarium for her for when she was sitting up etc.

Everyone has those feelings you have had with a newborn though! They are frustrating and I thin mostly everyone has been there in that situation, and it is far better if you are really frustrated to either leave them while you collect yourself, or hand them off to someone else, so don't feel guilty.. Your doing a great job. You haven't damaged her, no worries!

 

[Rachel_C]

Firstly, you're not rubbish!

Leyla isn't BF but from about 4 weeks she would sleep a solid 8 hours overnight, but then at just before 4 months old she suddenly started waking up every two hours again. I think that was the 4 month growth spurt but she hasn't actually gone back to full nights yet as then teething kicked in

I don't know that much about BF but I'd think you just basically have to stick with it while she does her fast growing! After that, you may find that she goes back to sleeping for longer.

I know what you mean about having a happy smiley baby being part of the problem. Leyla is a very unfussy baby so it's even worse when I think she's unhappy or I'm doing something wrong.

I'm sure others will offer some advice soon... just wanted to tell you you're not rubbish and everybody has problems like these but it does get easier.

 

[Lu28]

Hon you're not a failure at all and there's no way you've damaged Helen

It does sound to me like the start of the 4 month growth spurt, it can go on for a couple of weeks and that would explain the waking again. I know we had this at 4 months too and we did get to the other side.

For the sleeping, I did similar to Ryder where I'd stay in the room with Aisling shushing her and rubbing her back or patting her bum until she went to sleep.

 

[kirsten1985]

Yep same here, and same time too, Freya got loads worse sleeping at 4 months. We started putting her down and patting/rubbing her til she went to sleep, or else just carrying her round in the sling til she fell asleep and then putting her down, sometimes she slept, sometimes not.

You def haven't damaged her, don't worry

Try not to compare her to other babies, they are all different and you are doing a brilliant job breastfeeding.

Just try to remember when it's bad that they change really quickly, and she may be different next week with her sleeping, and then different again the week after. They don't do anything for very long.

 

[thelilbump]

Totally agree with all that the other girls have said. You're not a bad mother and you haven't damaged her at all

 

[Lu28]

Definitely agree with Kirsten that they don't do anything for very long.. We went through a patch between 4 and 7 months with her going off to sleep being very erratic. It's settled back down now and we never got to the bottom of it but she'd be awful for a week or two, then great, then awful again. I think it's just what they do

 

[JayleighAnn]

Aw hun your not a failure!
Like everyone else has said, it sounds like a 4month growth spurt, which can put them out of whack and also, by about 3/4month+ they are starting to get more aware of the world around them, they are too busy for mummy milk and want to watch everyone else and then by night time their starving cause they haven't been having full feeds (their fault, not yours!)
Halen's sleep was more or less fab until 11 weeks, it started getting worse and worse. It is starting to get better now at 9months, and I know that seems a long time, but he didn't have night after night of bad nights, it was maybe 2-3 a week. Some nights it can be tough (Lord knows I've found it rough!! Lost my temper a few times and had to leave the room for fear of my mental and his physical welfare) and I know it hard but it gets better!
And it's not your fault for picking her up all the time, your her mummy thats your job, were not meant to leave them to cry, thats why it's so ear piercing, so you notice something is needed from you. Babies that are in a sling or carried and not left to cry, cry less than those who aren't.
If your finding it really tough, maybe express a bottle or two so your DH can take a turn in the night so you can get some kip?
Can I ask why you don't sleep well co-sleeping? Is it just that you don't feel comfortable with her in your bed or cause your worried? If it's something you want to do and feel it would settle her better, there is a lot of safe sleep advice out there for co-sleeping mums.
Good luck mummy!

 

[ryder]

I just wanted to add, we generally have pretty good sleeping habits. But there were a couple times Jasmine went through periods of funny nights. I think it really is just them adjusting and becoming more aware of things etc. It wont last for long!

 

[purple_socks]

ur not rubbish and u wont have damaged her from a 1 off attempt at CC.

it does sound like a growth spurt in which case changing to FFing wont change anything....hang in there. u tried chatting to people in BF section and seeing how other people manage growth spurts? maybe u could try expressing and getting OH to do bedtimes or one or two nighttime feeds so u get a little break?

And ur not a failure for not being able to just leave ur LO laying down. Theres actually alot of evidence to show that what u've been doing is very good for babies and great for building a life long parent/child bond....its called Attachement parenting I've always either fed, cuddled or these days i rub Kians back and shhh him to sleep, and he naps where ever i am. i've never just layed him down. Usually hes no trouble at all to get to sleep but we've been through phases where i've wondered if i've made 'a rod for my back' (i usually start thinking this when i'm tired!! ) i think its completely normal to doubt yourself.
don't compare urselves to the other mums tho...that will only ever make u feel bad. i'm still friends with the mums from my nct group and i parent in a very different way to them. they do CC and strict rotuines etc where as i AP and go to Kian as soon as he cries. there have been times when i've questioned what i was doing coz i'm the odd one out but APing feels very 'right', where as leaving him alone or letting him cry doesn't feel very natural for me which is why i dont do what my other mum friends do. you just have to have faith in ur parenting abilities.

heres some resources i've found really useful when i'm doubting myself:

https://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130100.asp

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attachment...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270102070&sr=8-1

https://www.attachmentparenting.org/

 

[irenepc]

Hey Bumpontherun,
I agree with everyone else who has posted so far, do not worry, you haven't done anything wrong And you haven't damaged Helen in any way She's just extra hungry right now as she's growing.
It's really difficult because everyone has their own idea of what you "should" be doing. But you know your baby best and you do what you feel comfortable with. I did the same as you and fed to sleep initially then as baby got older, I found I was able to lay her down to sleep. Now at 14 months, she will go to sleep happily by herself but I still have to go and resettle her at night and most nights, will end up co-sleeping! I can't wait for the night she sleeps through, which has probably happened a handful of times! This is in spite of numerous people telling me that I should not let her into my bed and not pick her up in the night. But I've decided that doesn't work for me I've just resigned myself to the fact that she will do things at her own pace.
I also found the Baby Whisperer site to be quite helpful.
Hope this helps!

 

[FunkyClaire]

Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel! My 2 month old won't sleep by herself at all. Could scream every time someone tells me what a good sleeper their baby is, how they settle to sleep all on their own and go through the night. I feel like I've got it totally wrong already as I've always cuddled her to sleep and there's just no way she'll even consider sleeping any other way. I could never do any of the crying methods, it could just never feel right for me.
I don't have the answer but I know how you feel. x