is it normal to have these thoughts?

[foquita]

hello girls

i have been TTC since april 2011 (22 months tomorrow, woohoo ) and in the last two or three weeks i have started to really think for the first time about whether i want children now or whether i even want to have children full stop. i have always wanted children so my guess is that this is a coping mechanism, i think i'm trying to make myself feel better about the fact that i haven't conceived yet by pretending that i don't even want it, does that make sense? this is the first time i have had any doubts about TTC though and it's worrying me, is it normal to have these doubts? or should i be reconsidering?

we are having IVF with ICSI in summer next year and i am really starting to have doubts about it initially i had a lot of doubts but i had really come round to the idea of it and i was so excited. now i'm not so sure

it would be a relief if anyone has felt/feels the same and wants to share their thoughts. TIA

 

[jcr1988]

hey, I totally get that some days, i agree that it may be a way to cope. It hurts a little less when AF shows up when your hopes aren't as high. I feel like i 100% want them when it's time to try and near the end of the tww i also start to wonder if i want it, if i can handle it, is this the right time to do this. i think you're completely normal

 

[foquita]

hey, I totally get that some days, i agree that it may be a way to cope. It hurts a little less when AF shows up when your hopes aren't as high. I feel like i 100% want them when it's time to try and near the end of the tww i also start to wonder if i want it, if i can handle it, is this the right time to do this. i think you're completely normal

PHEW, thank you! that makes me feel a lot better! i feel like now i'm thinking of all the reasons why i shouldn't get pregnant whereas before i only ever thought of all the reasons why it would be perfect that cycle before. but when i was thinking like that, it led to the biggest disappointments

i'm just a bit nervous now because i don't want to feel like that when we finally have ICSI (we will have been on the waiting list for 2 years) but i keep forgetting that it's still over a year away

 

[nobump]

I'm the same, been trying for 4 years... thinking of doing ICIS private this year, NHS option will beging next year if we are not successful. But hubby is older than me, he'll turn 5 next year... I'll be 38 soon... we have a good life, lots of holidays, no money worries, we are not rich but no real debt other than a mortgage. Keep thinking how much responsibility a child would be. But then there are other times in the month when I see folk pregnant, with new babies or hearing announcements and then it hits me that I want to have a baby with hubby.

 

[foquita]

I'm the same, been trying for 4 years... thinking of doing ICIS private this year, NHS option will beging next year if we are not successful. But hubby is older than me, he'll turn 5 next year... I'll be 38 soon... we have a good life, lots of holidays, no money worries, we are not rich but no real debt other than a mortgage. Keep thinking how much responsibility a child would be. But then there are other times in the month when I see folk pregnant, with new babies or hearing announcements and then it hits me that I want to have a baby with hubby.

i am in glasgow too, nobump

i am SO glad i'm not the only one. i'm sorry you've been trying for so long all the doubts go through my head but, like you, when i watch OBEM or see families i know that that's what i want. i'm just scared now because i have been trying so hard to get that, what if it's not what i expect? or what if it's not worth it? what if i regret it?

so many emotions to deal with when LTTTC, longing is the least of them right now!

 

[nobump]

I'm the same, been trying for 4 years... thinking of doing ICIS private this year, NHS option will beging next year if we are not successful. But hubby is older than me, he'll turn 5 next year... I'll be 38 soon... we have a good life, lots of holidays, no money worries, we are not rich but no real debt other than a mortgage. Keep thinking how much responsibility a child would be. But then there are other times in the month when I see folk pregnant, with new babies or hearing announcements and then it hits me that I want to have a baby with hubby.

i am in glasgow too, nobump

i am SO glad i'm not the only one. i'm sorry you've been trying for so long all the doubts go through my head but, like you, when i watch OBEM or see families i know that that's what i want. i'm just scared now because i have been trying so hard to get that, what if it's not what i expect? or what if it's not worth it? what if i regret it?

so many emotions to deal with when LTTTC, longing is the least of them right now!

Yeah the 2 year wait in Glasgow is a killer!!!

Think everyone has these thoughts, I am frighted of going for ICIS, feel that that is a definate Positive|Negative, whereas trying each month it seems less of a 50/50 although its the same the odds are just different, it all luck of sperm meets egg.

Wishing you

 

[foquita]

wishing you too

if only we lived in ayrshire, we would get ICSI two months sooner and get three goes

 

[susan_1981]

I got to a point of being like that. Well I always knew that I would be trying for a baby until it happened or until I could no longer try, but I got to a point that I just thought if I don't have a baby, at least everything else in my life is good. I got so used to the months going by and my period arriving, I'd been through the months of crying when my period arrived, but then I just thought that I couldn't go on like that. I think for some - or me at least - that even though we were still trying as hard as we could, I kind of got over it and thought maybe I would never have a baby and I didn't want to look back on all those years of trying as really sad ones as there are so many people out there worse off than me. But I think you're right, it probably is a coping mechanism. Plus, when it does take a long time to fall pregnant, you have lots of time to think of the negatives of having a baby - not that there are any but I mean the sleepless nights, not being able to go on holiday when you want, not being able to go out when you want, taking ages to leave the house, just all those kind of things. I think that was my coping mechanism x

 

[foquita]

I got to a point of being like that. Well I always knew that I would be trying for a baby until it happened or until I could no longer try, but I got to a point that I just thought if I don't have a baby, at least everything else in my life is good. I got so used to the months going by and my period arriving, I'd been through the months of crying when my period arrived, but then I just thought that I couldn't go on like that. I think for some - or me at least - that even though we were still trying as hard as we could, I kind of got over it and thought maybe I would never have a baby and I didn't want to look back on all those years of trying as really sad ones as there are so many people out there worse off than me. But I think you're right, it probably is a coping mechanism. Plus, when it does take a long time to fall pregnant, you have lots of time to think of the negatives of having a baby - not that there are any but I mean the sleepless nights, not being able to go on holiday when you want, not being able to go out when you want, taking ages to leave the house, just all those kind of things. I think that was my coping mechanism x

i think in a way i have got over too, i don't feel any bitterness or jealousy of pregnant people and like you said just there, i feel like if it never happens it won't be the end of the world like i previously thought it would be.

yeah i am definitely thinking of the negatives right now. so how did you feel when your son was born? was it worth it all? did all the worries/doubts disappear?

 

[CanadianMaple]

I'm just starting my first IVF cycle and I seriously found myself wondering if I should do it because I was starting to feel so detached from TTC and babies. Now that we are doing the injects, I'm really excited.

 

[foquita]

that's reassuring to know canadianmaple, I feel very detached right now! good luck with your IVF xxxx

 

[calm]

Hello foquita, long time without reading you, haven't been on much as I had to WTT.

I know exactly what you mean, I go through that too, I have always wanted kids, had to WTT for years was always very keen to get down to baby making, it was my ultimate goal really and would have exchanged my career for it any day (hard to imagine when I think all the work that went into my degree). But then it didn't happen easily and I also got those type of thoughts. Maybe I don't want kids... I would think, looking at other people's kids and think: what a pain they are! Even worse when I would look at adolescents. Its like I would look at motherhood with some distance and think: “its a mugs game”, and it probably is... but I suppose once its happening to you its the best mugs game ever. I have been with my husband for many years without kids, so it seems natural to be like this and you only have to think of yourself (and your husband of course). But I know deep down if I can have kids, I do want them, just one really, I am 36 and there is not a lot of time (or good health on my side) to have more I don't think. My alternative to having children is to write draw and publish my own children storybooks, I did this all summer as I had to WTT then, and was quite content , and now I am currently WTT again after straining my back/neck after drawing day and night.,.. so no drawing or baby making at the moment,sometimes all the doors seem to close don't they? Anyway next cycle in theory we will be trying again, and I have my fertility appointment, lets see what happens.

And I have been reading it quite a bit lately, quite a lot of LTTCers saying: maybe I don't really want kids. I think we are going through a common fase. I think we do want them, really, too much thats the problem.
i

 

[Redfraggle]

I've felt like that many times over the years. Think the longer it is just me and DH the less I can imagine a third person in our lives.

It passes though. Think it is just our way of giving our minds a break to re charge.

 

[calm]

I had to add something to this thread. I was in bed this morning, we had to get up early, and I am crap at getting up early. My DH said, well, if we are going to have a kid you had better get used to it. I kind of rolled in bed at the initial thought. Our cat had been making a row for us to get up, and DH said: A kid will be like the cat, but he will be able to open the bedroom door, it will be awful (he is joking of course), and I said, our child will probably come will the cats under his arm, and to this my DH rolled over in bed. I stayed there looking at the ceiling, and I thought, if I had a kid to get up to, to give him his breakfast, fill him or her with kisses, help them dress, and take them out to the park in what is today a lovely sunny day, I would jump out of bed like a shot, I did actually just at the thought. I am half in tears writing this, I do so want kids, I just keep burying it deep down so I don't suffer I think.

 

[foquita]

Hello foquita, long time without reading you, haven't been on much as I had to WTT.

I know exactly what you mean, I go through that too, I have always wanted kids, had to WTT for years was always very keen to get down to baby making, it was my ultimate goal really and would have exchanged my career for it any day (hard to imagine when I think all the work that went into my degree). But then it didn't happen easily and I also got those type of thoughts. Maybe I don't want kids... I would think, looking at other people's kids and think: what a pain they are! Even worse when I would look at adolescents. Its like I would look at motherhood with some distance and think: “its a mugs game”, and it probably is... but I suppose once its happening to you its the best mugs game ever. I have been with my husband for many years without kids, so it seems natural to be like this and you only have to think of yourself (and your husband of course). But I know deep down if I can have kids, I do want them, just one really, I am 36 and there is not a lot of time (or good health on my side) to have more I don't think. My alternative to having children is to write draw and publish my own children storybooks, I did this all summer as I had to WTT then, and was quite content , and now I am currently WTT again after straining my back/neck after drawing day and night.,.. so no drawing or baby making at the moment,sometimes all the doors seem to close don't they? Anyway next cycle in theory we will be trying again, and I have my fertility appointment, lets see what happens.

And I have been reading it quite a bit lately, quite a lot of LTTCers saying: maybe I don't really want kids. I think we are going through a common fase. I think we do want them, really, too much thats the problem.
i

hi calm, it's so lovely to see your name popping up

i always cared more about children than a career too, but now i have gone the other way and i sometimes think that maybe i should just have a really amazing career and loads of holidays i went back to uni last year (i almost put it off because i wanted to wait until i was a mum, so glad i didn't!!) and i wonder if i should finish and get a job first

i have also started to look at children and think it's a mug's game too, but that's a way of protecting myself.

i think it's just easier to think that having children isn't all that than be consumed by anger, jealousy and bitterness every day i would definitely prefer the former.

I've felt like that many times over the years. Think the longer it is just me and DH the less I can imagine a third person in our lives.

It passes though. Think it is just our way of giving our minds a break to re charge.

i'm glad of the recharge, i must admit a few months ago i went through a really bitter, jealous and angry phase and i don't ever want to feel like that again

I had to add something to this thread. I was in bed this morning, we had to get up early, and I am crap at getting up early. My DH said, well, if we are going to have a kid you had better get used to it. I kind of rolled in bed at the initial thought. Our cat had been making a row for us to get up, and DH said: A kid will be like the cat, but he will be able to open the bedroom door, it will be awful (he is joking of course), and I said, our child will probably come will the cats under his arm, and to this my DH rolled over in bed. I stayed there looking at the ceiling, and I thought, if I had a kid to get up to, to give him his breakfast, fill him or her with kisses, help them dress, and take them out to the park in what is today a lovely sunny day, I would jump out of bed like a shot, I did actually just at the thought. I am half in tears writing this, I do so want kids, I just keep burying it deep down so I don't suffer I think.

i am doing the same and think i am fine but then i read people saying things like how no happiness will ever come close to the joy you feel seeing your child's face and things like that and it's like a knife to the chest because i worry that i will never experience it

 

[foquita]

is it your first fertility appointment, calm? lots of good luck

 

[calm]

Yes. Its a bit of a shocker because you are supposed to have to wait for ages, and I got my appointment for this month. As I've had to WTT quite a bit in the middle of TTC I was hoping to get a chance of going natural a bit longer but destinty seems to think otherwise. I have been WTT for 3 months now as I have a strained back/neck/arms, but I think we will try this month.

Did you continue to persue a healthy diet? I am a bit touch and go as usual, but now have put on some weight and have a normal bmi. My guess is that my infertility is 1. my age (I am now 36), 2. or my spotting (want to look into that) or 3. that I am very anxious (supposed to be bad for pregnancy) But who knows, I might be surprised, it might be my DH, or some other factor in my body. Big hugs and XXXX

 

[foquita]

Yes. Its a bit of a shocker because you are supposed to have to wait for ages, and I got my appointment for this month. As I've had to WTT quite a bit in the middle of TTC I was hoping to get a chance of going natural a bit longer but destinty seems to think otherwise. I have been WTT for 3 months now as I have a strained back/neck/arms, but I think we will try this month.

Did you continue to persue a healthy diet? I am a bit touch and go as usual, but now have put on some weight and have a normal bmi. My guess is that my infertility is 1. my age (I am now 36), 2. or my spotting (want to look into that) or 3. that I am very anxious (supposed to be bad for pregnancy) But who knows, I might be surprised, it might be my DH, or some other factor in my body. Big hugs and XXXX

must be meant to be then and you can still try naturally between having fertility appointments too.

yeah i still eat quite healthily, i have slacked a little bit but when i compare myself to other people or look at my diet a little less critically (i am so critical about anything to do with myself ) it is still fairly/very healthy. well done on getting to a healthy BMI i hope you manage to maintain it

you'll find out some answers soon hopefully there are no issues with either of you

 

[tamithomas]

I think it's your brain going into defensive mode. When you want something so bad and you doubt that you'll ever get it the best way to defend yourself is through an offensive. In otherwords, your subconcious is trying to protect you from the pains of IF. Hope that helps!

 

[ChartsNHearts]

I got to a point that I just thought if I don't have a baby, at least everything else in my life is good. I got so used to the months going by and my period arriving, I'd been through the months of crying when my period arrived, but then I just thought that I couldn't go on like that. I think for some - or me at least - that even though we were still trying as hard as we could, I kind of got over it and thought maybe I would never have a baby and I didn't want to look back on all those years of trying as really sad ones as there are so many people out there worse off than me.

This sums me up at the moment too!