Is there a place for this? I want to try, partner refuses.

[2ndHeartbeat]

Hey, I was an active member a few years ago, haven't posted in forever. I was looking for some kind of understanding or support in coping with what I have to accept. In short, my fiancee absolutely refuses to have another child. I want one more than almost anything. Sometimes I get terribly depressed, but I would never attempt to "talk him into it" because it has to be something he wants too. I don't know where else to post or look for others in my situation.... Any guidance is welcome

 

[amotherslove]

it doesnt always have to be "talking him into it" so much as it is about talking it out, alleviating fears he might have about it etc. never would i talk my fiancee into something he did not want but it turned out he was worried about cost of a second child.. we discusssed and now hes more excited than i am!!! good luck

 

[2ndHeartbeat]

We've touched on it briefly, but he's the type to get frustrated with me pressing the issue with something he's so firmly answered. I'm just feeling hopeless, hopefully it will just pass. Thank you for your advice

 

[karoolia]

Maybe talk to him about how you're feeling. The way you feel right now isn't good. You should be able to work through that with him. The end result could be you both agreeing to try or it could be you both feeling ok about not trying, but either way you should talk out your feelings. He might have reservations he hasn't shared or perhaps doesn't fully appreciate how much you want this. On the other hand better understanding his thoughts and feelings may help you feel more at peace if the final decision is not to try. If that is the final decision, if he really knows how you feel he can help you work through that as well.

 

[amotherslove]

im sorry that would be really difficult. i hope it does pass. i find for me it usually does.

 

[Lizzybee]

Hi 2ndHeartbeat, I understand how you feel. I don't have answers. My DH doesn't want another either. It's all I can think about right now. All my friends are giving birth or due to in the next few months (6 in total over the next 4 months) and it's killing me. I've managed to congratulate the new parents but that's about it. I just watched 3 baby ads in a row. I feel smothered by the thing I can't have.
But very few people understand this. I feel your pain x

 

[taytaylove13]

I want to say you are very brave and smart for knowing that it is best if both of you want this! Pressuring him would be the worst idea with only really negative outcomes. I haven't experienced this yet, but I just believe communicating is what is best for you guys. Good luck!

 

[stinaberry]

I'm in a similar boat. If communication is off the table for a little bit then I think some self reflection could help. If you don't already know, figuring out your motivation for wanting a baby could be helpful. Do you already have a child? Is it with him? Or if you don't have a baby, are you wanting to have your first to finally be a mother? Are you trying to solidify your bond with him?

Once you understand your own personal motivation it's easier to communicate your feelings on the issue. Whenever I talk to my OH about this, I'm not trying to convince him one way or the other (<--one second thought this may or may not be true), but the whole point of the conversation is that I just want him to understand me at a deeper level. I want him to see things from my perspective too.

But as already mentioned, pressuring anyone into anything will not be ideal and could just lead to resentment.

 

[Weebles]

My marriage was nearly destroyed because of this because my husband changed his mind about wanting a child. We talked, I cried, nothing changed. I wanted to start trying no later than 25. After that I was going to leave by 30. And by then I couldn't leave but I couldn't see a happy future for myself either. And then he changed his mind, I got lucky. But getting pregnant in my mid thirties wasn't easy and while I would still like one more time is no longer on my side and it may never happen.

You are not married yet. If you are not willing to gamble on having him change his mind I would leave if I were you. I work with a lady who's husband never changed his mind and she still gets teary eyed about it. I know those tears very well, I cried them for almost 10 years.

 

[angie79]

I'm also going through this. I have 2 already and it took me 2 years for him to decide to have our first. I now want number 3 but he doesn't and says he's worried about money and the space we have. I'm going to leave it for a few months and try and chat again but if he hasn't changed his mind by August 2018 then I'm going to have to forget it sadly as I will be over 40 then.

 

[Lizzybee]

&#128158;&#128158;&#128158;&#128158;&#128158;&#128158;&#128158;&#128158; for us all x

 

[bearnadette]

I guess just like the others have said, talk it out, even if he's uncomfortable about it.

Set some smaller goals ie with the first conversation your not expecting him to change his mind and say "yay, lets have another!" but maybe get him open to the idea to discussing it in say 3/4 months time and in that time both of you should consider the other's feelings before discussing again iykwim?
hope that helps, good luck

 

[LilBunny]

Do you actually know what's his reason for not having another baby?

 

[KalonKiki]

Have you asked him what his requirements for having another would be? I did that with my DH and he was much more willing to compromise on having a 3rd. Now I at least know what his goals would be for having another.

 

[babycrazy1706]

Huge hugs, this must be so difficult
I also desperately want another but I'm single

 

[Jillm]

Have you tried talking to him about what exactly his fears or reservations are? Could there be a conversation about fate and not trying but not preventing either?

 

[WackyMumof2]

I ALWAYS wanted at least 3 - until DS2. He's got severe ADHD and it just put me off the idea completely and hubby was happy with 2. So when I found out I was pregnant with DS3, it was not very well taken news at all. I didn't want him but hubby was really, really supportive. Talk to your husband. He may have reasons, he may have fears - either way, not talking about it isn't healthy. Hopefully you get the answers you need and you can move forward from here - what ever way that may go.

 

[Phantom]

This is exactly what I came in here to talk about. I'm 30 and I've wanted another child for over a year now. My husband just keeps hesitating. He didn't say another baby was out of the question. He just can't give me a time when it will be "ok". Its been over a year of hoping.

 

[Katy78]

We have two kids already and OH surprised me over a year ago when he suggested we tried for a third. We had an early loss in January and a loss due to Down syndrome in July. Now he doesn't want to risk something like that happening again. It's been hard on both of us. I understand him but the thought of one more is what keeps me going.
This week he said that he'd consider trying again if we find a way to improve our finances. We're fine for now but we'll need a place of our own to live comfortably with three children.
I'm 39 so I hope he decides soon... I'm not pressuring him but I believe he knows where I stand.

 

[MollyMoon]

How are things with you now?