It shouldn't be this difficult (PPD/PND)

[DragonflyWing]

I have postpartum depression (or PND, if you prefer) that's been getting steadily worse for over a month. I can't seem to get anyone to help me

I went to my family doctor first, who put me back on the medication I was taking for insomnia before I got pregnant (amitriptyline, also an antidepressant). However, if I don't take it at a certain time, I'm either drop dead tired before it's time for bed, or I'm super groggy in the morning. Of course, having 4 month old twins makes it difficult to do ANYTHING at a certain time, so more often than not I am not taking my medication, so it's not helping at all. I asked the doctor for something I can take in the mornings, or at least something with a shorter half-life so I can take it right before bed. She didn't feel comfortable prescribing anything because I'm nursing, and she referred me for a psychiatric consult.

I got a call back from my doctor's nurse, telling me that I've been placed on the waiting list for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I asked her how long it would take, and she said a week or two. I felt that even that was too long, and asked what I should do to hold me over. She got back to me later and said my doctor was willing to prescribe Prozac, but she didn't have enough experience with antidepressants to prescribe anything else to a nursing mother. I've taken Prozac in the past, and it didn't do anything for me, so I declined.

I decided to call the psychiatric group's office to see how long the waiting list was, and they told me that it's almost 3 MONTHS to even get a call, much less an appointment. I told her I can't wait that long, and she told me to try another psychiatric group. I called the other group, and they aren't accepting any new patients.

I called my family doctor again last Thursday to ask her what I should do, but she had left for the day and her voicemail said she wouldn't be back until Monday. I left a fairly desperate-sounding message and asked her to get back to me ASAP. Next, I tried calling my insurance company to see if there was anything they could do. They gave me phone numbers for some independent psychiatrists in the area, but they were all closed on Friday, so I left messages for them to call me back. Now it's Monday afternoon, and I still haven't heard back from anyone, not even my family doctor.

In the meantime, I feel depressed, anxious, and angry all the time, and I'm having wild mood swings that make me feel suicidal. I don't want to hurt myself, and I have no plans to, but these thoughts and impulses are really distressing, and I'm just so miserable. It's starting to get to the point that I can't even take care of my babies by myself because I get too overwhelmed and stressed. I work full time, and I can't concentrate or focus on my work at all. I don't want to eat, I can't sleep, and it's all just too much.

Why is it so hard to get some help? My whole pregnancy, it was drilled into my head that I should seek help at the first sign of depression (I have a history of severe depression, so I'm at high risk), and I DID...but it's getting me nowhere.

 

[hellohefalump]

Didn't want to read and run... I've been in your place (not with twins though) I know what it's like xxxxxx

Do you get any support from family?

You can just turn up at a&e and they have to see you then... I've done that in the past.

 

[DragonflyWing]

Thank you. Yes, my husband is very supportive, although he tries to be too practical when I'm feeling irrational, which just adds fuel to the fire. I don't have any other family or friends in the area...they all live 1000 miles away.

I've had to go to the emergency room a few times in the past when I've gotten severely depressed, but I know they'll make me stay at the hospital for at least 24 hours, and I can't leave the babies for that long. I don't know if they'd let me pump, or if I'd have privacy to do so if I was on suicide watch. If things get so bad that I start seriously considering harming myself, of course I will go, but right now that needs to be a last resort.

 

[cat_reversing]

Hey, sorry you're feeling so bad and that your not getting the support you need.
You said you don't have family or friends close by but can anyone take some time out and come to you and give you a hand for a while, or as the situation seems so unbearable can you not get off work sick for a while ( sorry i'm not sure how your health system works, in the uk the doctor would sign you off work and you could recover at home whilst still receiving pay). It sounds like time to call in any favours you can, there are people who care about you and will want to help.
As a long shot are there any mental health charities who might have support groups in your area that could help?
Does oh know anyone who could help take some of the strain? can your employer do any more to help, if you work for a big company they should have an occupational health section.
Don't give up, just keep going for another day and hopefully it'll get better soon, hugs.

 

[DragonflyWing]

Thanks, cat_reversing. I'm in the US, and you can't really get signed off from work by a doctor. You can get a note from your doctor that basically says their recommendation is that you stay home from work for x number of days...but it doesn't carry any weight, and companies don't have to recognize them or pay you while you're out. If I wanted to stay home from work, I'd have to use my paid time off hours, but I only get a set amount per year and I have to use them for any time I take off from work (sick, vacation, etc), and they accumulate as the year goes on so I don't have them all at once. If I actually was admitted to the hospital, I think I could use short-term disability if it was more than 5 days, but that would only pay me 60% of my normal pay. We really can't afford for me to be out of work for any length of time.

DH has family in the area, and sometimes his sister is able to come over for a few hours to lend a hand, but she has two small children of her own, so it's difficult on short notice. Luckily, my husband is able to take care of the kids when I'm at work and he helps out in the evenings/weekends. I'm ashamed to say that he's doing the majority of the babies' care right now because I'm such a mess. I feel like a terrible mother.

I will definitely look into local support groups, although I don't know where I'll find the time to go on a regular basis. I called the employee assistance program at my work, and they were sympathetic, but all they could do was try to find me doctors in my area that might take me. They asked if I was actively suicidal or thought I would harm my babies (never ever), but that's about it.

I have another call in to my doctor, hopefully she will get back to me today.

 

[cat_reversing]

let's hope the dr gets back to you soon.
Seems like you've thought of most of what i can think of to suggest so all i can say is to take it a day at a time, or even a few hours at a time.
I don't have ppd/pnd at the moment but i have suffred with depression since my teens and know how hard it is to deal with.
It's important to recognise that none of how you're feeling is your fault or because of something you did and you're coping the best you can, you're stronger than you think and have got this far so don't give up now.
Your oh is there to support you through thick and thin and you'd do the same for him so don't worry about needing to lean on him for a bit, you're not a terrible mother, you just need a helping hand right now to get you through this part.
Lastly, it will get better. the hardest part is waiting what seems like an eternity for improvement but it will come, hopefully sooner rather than later.