It Shouldn't Matter

Discussion in 'Second Trimester Losses' started by Andypanda6570, Apr 3, 2011.

  1. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,139
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am just getting worse and I know it shouldn't matter that is was my precious girl, but it does. :cry:

    I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and I am 40. I was running almost 5 miles a day had my little routine , my husband and I went out here and there and we were just starting to enjoy our life cause the kids are big and can take care of themselves, meaning we could go out for a couple of hours for dinner and some drinks. We didn't go out ALL the time just maybe 2x a month, but after 20 yrs of marriage it was finally so nice to get a chance to be with each other :cloud9: We loved going to Manhattan and just taking everything in , it was really fun !
    So now November comes around and I get pregnant after 11 yrs and not in anyway trying for a baby, we were done. My husband really was not that excited he kept saying Ann we are done now we have to start all over and blah and blah, after about a month he got used to it and was really happy about it.
    Everything was fine until my blood came back, the doctor called and said it was definitely NOT down syndrome, I said what else is there? Thinking back i can't believe how stupid i was not to know the risks for my age, I mean 3 healthy pregnancies, but also I was 21, 24 and 30 when I had them. So the doctor says you came 1 in 66 for Trisomy 18 but he said I see this all the time in older women and everything should be fine. Now I am crying , cause this was January 24th and I had to wait till February 28th for the Amnio, that was a long wait. I had no idea about CVS testing i was to far along anyway for it and the last thing on my mind was a chromosomal abnormality . Went to the doc on Feb 15 and everything looked good heartbeat was 169. I think he may have seen something cause he said to me I wish you would have went for the amnio at 15 weeks, I said I couldn't get an appt then when I tried for 16 weeks the doctor I wanted was on vacation so I waited till I was 18 weeks, i said why what is the difference he said OH there is a big difference , at the time I didn't know what he meant, but he meant I would need a D and E if something went wrong, had NO idea what a D an E was, heard of a D and C , but not a D and E. I think maybe at the sonogram he saw something and just didn't tell me, cause he figured I was going for the amnio a week later, thinking back I saw a lot of signs but ignored them. My best friend and I went in for the Amnio and as soon as the girl put the machine to my stomach she ran out :cry: my friend ran after her shouting what the hell are you doing, meanwhile the machine was lighting up blue and red . I still am in my own world and not realizing something is wrong, the doc came in and checked again and said I am so sorry there is NO heartbeat :cry: my heart sunk and I knew at this point my life was going to change for the worse.
    Now I go to the doctor after staying 3 days with my little peanut dead in me cause he said they couldn't do the D and E till 3 days . He put these things up me and said you will have cramping that is all and be at the hospital at 12pm :wacko:
    I said can't you do it like 7 or 8 am why so late, he said no 12pm. SO I went home and the labor pains started a t 1 am, now he said I would get cramps, I said Nick /my husband / these are not cramps these are labor pains, he called the doc and he said oh yea she is supposed to get that, my husband said you said cramps not labor pains, we both had no idea what this D and E was , we still had no idea what was happening. Now at 6am they are strong, it was the same exact labor as my last 2 boys, so i know I am in labor. I can't believe how I was not scared at all and how I knew it would be fast, 7am nick says lets go to the hospital right now. I kept delaying I don't know why, anyway my water broke and I ran to the bathroom and one push the baby came out. my husband was in shock he had to hold the cord in his hands so the baby would not get wet, all the while I am screaming and crying cause I can't believe i just gave birth like this. I knew for sure God was punishing me. I got to the hospital, I pushed the Placenta out in the ambulance, and the nurses said to me you have a guardian angel watching over you :cry: I was so mad they said that, until they told me what that D and E was, then I felt so lucky then I thought back to the little voice in me telling not to go to the hospital when I began the labor pains at 1 am, isn't that weird / something inside kept telling me stay home and I listened. . We held Ava and kissed her and we buried her on March 11th, we didn't find out she was a girl till last Tuesday, after I found out she was for sure a girl, i just broke down more, not sure why. So now I sit here totally empty and lost not knowing what to do anymore, all I do is cry uncontrollably :cry::cry::cry: My sister in law who has 3 boys also 15,12 and 8 swore she wanted no more kids, but then after she found out I was pregnant she got pregnant 8 weeks later, she is 36 . At first I was upset but then I thought maybe we both will have girls how sweet will that be, they will be only 2 months apart, even if they are boys how cute. Now I sit here dreading seeing her she is 12 weeks now and if she has a girl I will die, i will look at her daughter all her life and think of my Ava :cry: how do i get through this?
    I don't know if I should try again, I have a thyroid problem, well not a problem the levels are good I tested every 4weeks when i was pregnant, I also am 40 and I just feel that is this happens again I wont make it. I am going to the doctor Thursday I need something for sleep , cause I can''t sleep or even function, I start crying everywhere I go, so now you all know my story, any advice.. xoxoo Love To All :cry: :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

    I still can't believe I had a daughter , after 3 boys and 11 years what were the odds, now I have no Ava and I feel guilty for feeling worse cause I had a girl/ :cry:
     
  2. Jox

    Jox 💙💙💙💝

    Joined:
    May 22, 2009
    Messages:
    8,747
    Likes Received:
    0
  3. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,139
    Likes Received:
    0
    thank you for replying :hugs:
     
  4. SassyLou

    SassyLou Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2010
    Messages:
    2,676
    Likes Received:
    0
  5. sunbeam

    sunbeam Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2009
    Messages:
    358
    Likes Received:
    0
    :hugs::hugs: so sorry hun x life can be so crap sometimes x
     
  6. apple_sauce

    apple_sauce Mommy to an angel

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2010
    Messages:
    1,008
    Likes Received:
    0
  7. Starry Night

    Starry Night 4 angels, 2 rainbows

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2009
    Messages:
    8,647
    Likes Received:
    0
  8. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,139
    Likes Received:
    0
    I still am so confused. My heart wants so bad to try again, but my brain is telling me not to. I am so terrified of this happening again. I keep breaking down throughout the day. When will I feel some peace, I still have not let Ava go. :cry::cry::cry:
     
  9. babesx3

    babesx3 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2009
    Messages:
    9,181
    Likes Received:
    0
    :hugs:
    I hope u find some peace....
    there are greater riskd to TTC and pregnancy with age.... but there are many cases where woman go on to have healthy pregnacys....its a very personal choice what to do , but one u and your husband should discuss.....
    maybe u are grieving harder as u feel u won't have another baby?
    at the moment u still have choices :hugs:
     
  10. kam78

    kam78 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2011
    Messages:
    262
    Likes Received:
    0
    Oh! Sweetheart! I am sending a BIG hug to you!!

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, You have helped me in more ways than I can explain... It's only been 10 LONG days since my Emma was taken from me ... I too fall apart at the drop of a hat, like an emotional roller coaster that I so desperately want to escape... I have never taken any medicines before...but I am seriously considering taking my docs advice & trying it.. He gave me some sleeping meds already but they don't help, just make me groggy & they do make me tired but I wont let myself stop thinking enough or crying enough to allow myself to sleep for very long... I still go into her would be nursery & fall apart... I used to be woken in the middle of the night hearing a newborns cry, I then would run into her room only to find it empty, and then of course I'd be devastated all over again... I can feel your pain & I pray peace & comfort comes to you babe ...Are you working outside the home? Just wondering if you are or not & how is that ... I am due to go back shortly & I have a panick attack anytime I think about leaving the house or having to see people...

    You take care of your self! And I'll be sending love your way!! Xoxoxoxo
     
  11. hannpin

    hannpin Mummy

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2009
    Messages:
    1,344
    Likes Received:
    0
    :hugs: Ok so my story is a bit different, but I can relate in so many ways with you. I had to say good bye to my little boy nearly two weeks ago. The little boy I wanted SOOO much. I have a little girl but have always longed for a boy. Ok I am still quite young and have time to try again. However I do not think I could cope with going through a pregnancy again, and the risk of something going wrong. However I long to still have a little boy, and do not know how I would feel if I got pregnant with a girl ( I do think I would love it either way)

    I found out my SIL is 14 weeks last night, and is due in Oct. also my OH's step sister is due next week. I do not know how I am going to cope seeing their babies, especially if they are boys.

    However I think we have to hold on to the fact that at least we have been lucky enough to have our boy and girl, however we were not allowed to take them home and look after them, they will always be apart of us. I hope it gets easier soon xxx
     
  12. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,139
    Likes Received:
    0
    You know I think back and now I thank God my boys were so healthy. My god I did not have one problem and back then they did not have any of these tests and Amnio was a foreign word for me cause I was so young. I just feel stupid for not knowing my risks for my age :cry:
    I am so happy you understand me, I am dreading seeing my SIL but soon I will have to and I don't know what i will do. I am just so broken :cry: :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  13. Catwoman85

    Catwoman85 Proud Mummy & TTC Baby #2

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2010
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    So sorry for your loss :-( x
     
  14. SarahJane

    SarahJane Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    2,071
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hun, words can't help but please try not to blame yourself for any of this. You are a wonderful mum and Ava is still with you wherever you go.

    If you need to talk, let me know at any time xxxxxx
     
  15. Andypanda6570

    Andypanda6570 3 Boys and an Angel Ava

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    6,139
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you so much. All of you women are amazing. I feel so lucky to have this place. You have no idea how much I appreciate this :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
     
  16. babyboo1258

    babyboo1258 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2010
    Messages:
    545
    Likes Received:
    0
    :hugs: :hugs: my heart breaks for you hunni, i hope you find some comfort
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice