It's all backfired :(

[Belle2528]

I asked a week or so about when I should tell my best friend that I'm pregnant as she's started IVF and didn't want to be insensitive. After much consideration (and advice from my mum and your lovely selves) I told her. Explained I was telling her as wanted her to know and understand. She said she understood why I was telling her early and that she was happy for us.

Since then she doesn't speak to me properly, just texts me all the time saying 'I'm fed up of everything, sick of people talking about babies etc. I'm not completely insensitive and knew that it wouldn't be the easiest news for her.

But I can't help but feel a little let down. She's not asked me once if I'm ok (we were told we'd never have a child naturally so this is a pure miracle!). I realise that isn't easy to ask but it wasn't so long ago the roles were reversed. The thing that hurts the most is that we were denied IVF as we didn't fit the criteria. As that happened, she found out she'd had her NHS IVF funding accepted and I did nothing but support her even though deep down I was distraught. I cried at home every night. Yet I still made sure she was ok.

Sorry for the huge rant. Just feel a little down and don't know who to speak to

Belle xx

 

[Julia35]

I'm so sorry. Give her time to heal. Hearing of baby news is almost up there with death for her right now. We ttc for 2.5 years, with 1 mmc, and the last thing I wanted to hear was anything about someone being pregnant. I took pregnant friends off my newsfeed on facebook, and just put them out of my head. It's kind if like she's in survival mode right now. She just needs space and time IMO. For me, it was much easier once the friend had the baby. I hope things get much easier between the two of you.

 

[wannanewbaby]

Im so sorry your friend.responded that way. I remember you posting that question. She has even had the IVF yet has she? I mean she says miracles nevwr happen to her but she was accepted andcould easily get her bfp after treatment so im not really understanding why she would talk about ending her life. Again sorry she is doing this to you. Really hope she realizes how she is acting and apolojizes so you guys can continue your friendship

 

[leahtaba]

I am sorry you feel unsupported by your friend, she must know deep down you done the right thing by telling her when you did, or she wouldnt of said so.

I would try and wait til she comes round a bit, at least its over and done with now and she knows. She probably feels so low about being unable to concieve that she has a bit of misplaced bitterness/jelousy. Try ang give her time and try not to take what she says personally. Big hugs!

 

[Belle2528]

The thing that hurts is we've been through this together. We've been TTC for a similar amount of time and when i found out she'd got IVF funding and we hadn't I was nothing but supportive. I know what it feels like to see every man and his dog pregnant and would be ecstatic if I thought she'd been given a miracle baby.

I just feel like I can't even be happy about my pregnancy because I've hurt my friend

Xx

 

[Dolly84]

I'm going through a very similar situation, I ttc for 2 years for our son and we needed clomid to get him. Since I was pregnant with him my friend announced she was also ttc but sadly had a mc when I was 6 months preggo. I made sure I was there for her but kept my distance and slowly she came back round to texting and speaking a lot like it used to. My ds is 4 months now and I'm pregnant again (1st month ntnp) and my friend is still ttc and has her first fertility appointment this Wednesday. Im not sure how to tell her this time as I know it will knock her for 6. I'm planning on telling her after the 12 week scan and this way I'm hoping she might have some news of her own. But if not I'm just going to text her and let her know. That way she doesn't have to put on a brave face and can have a cry. As when I was ttc this was the best way I would have wanted to be told.
I'm sorry your friend isn't showing you the support you would like but if you give her space and time she will come round, and when her ivf starts she will probably want the support of her friends then xxxx good luck and hope you can work things out xxxx

 

[Eegee]

Maybe she just needs time. It's only been a week. It does seem a bit unkind to complain to you about people talking about babies - it's clearly a dig so why not just say it straight? But I'm sure she will come around eventually and stop being this way. Just try not to worry about it in the meantime

 

[Belle2528]

She has started the treatment for her IVF this week. The reason for me telling her so early is because when I am 12 weeks will be around the time she finds out if IVF is successful or not hence telling her.

Eegee-exactly my thoughts. It's clearly a dig but since telling her I haven't mentioned it as 1. I don't want to be insensitive and 2. It's still early doors so no one else knows.

Sigh

Feel like I'm supposed to be really happy but feel awful

Xx

 

[squirrel.]

Poor you, that sounds like such a tough situation. I definitely think you did the right thing in telling her. Perhaps the timing of her IVF starting now with you telling her (I get why you did that though, I would have done the same) has made her feel like there is a lot of pressure on her (not your fault, just circumstance) and she's not dealing with your news as well as she might normally have done because she's under a lot of stress. It sounds like you've been an amazing friend for her, especially given light to the fact that she was given funding for IVF and you weren't, but despite that you stood by her as a positive force. I'm sorry she's not being the friend you deserve right now, but perhaps this is just too big for her. She could have mentally prepared herself for the situation that you, her friend, her partner in your long journey to conceive, got her BFP and she could have genuinly imagined she would have been delighted for you.... but perhaps now it's happened it's just too much to cope with considering she's going through a highly emotional time of undergoing IVF. If I'm honest, if I were in her shoes, I would find it difficult to celebrate with you too. I am sure I would be happy for you, but I'm not sure I would be able to bring myself to ask you how everything is going with your pregnancy. Not yet, I think I would need time.

As for her saying she can't stand people talking about babies, I don't consider this a dig at you. If you haven't been talking to her about your pregnancy (very sweet of you to consider her feelings and not discuss it) then it can't be a dig at you. I think of it more as a warning... a desperate request to not talk about your pregnancy until she is better able to cope with it. I think in a roundabout way she is trying to let you know why she hasn't talked to you about your pregnancy, why she hasn't been the friend you deserve... in a way it's a strange sort of an apology. I would interpret her words more along these lines - "I'm sorry I can't be there for you right now because everything for me is too difficult and [other] people talking about babies has driven me into a well of sadness and I just can't cope with you doing the same and I feel terrible for that."

I'm so sorry for you both, it sounds like such a difficult situation. I hope hope hope that she is able to help herself deal with your wonderful news so that she can be there for you and I also hope that she gets her BFP from this round of IVF, because it sounds like you both went through so much.

In the meantime, surround yourself with people who are being supportive and just be there for your friend. I'm sorry this is hurting you, but if you think your friendship is worth it, then that might be something you have to bear for a little while (as unfair as that is).

All the best.

x

 

[MissyBee]

Try not to take it too personally, I'm sure she wants more than anything to be strong enough to support you right now... It is just very difficult to have that kind of strength. I've never personally been in her situation, but when I was 20 I miscarried at 13 weeks, and after that it seemed like every woman I cared about ended up pregnant. There was also a friend who was due around the same as me, and we had been supportive of each other up until that point, and I just couldn't face her after losing my baby. I didn't even get invited to her shower. It was just a really hard time.

I am so sure that your friend is not trying to hurt you, I think she is just feeling hurt herself and is having trouble finding the strength to be supportive of you. I really hope that the two of you can work everything out.

 

[Belle2528]

Thanks squirrel. I completely understand what you're saying. In regards to asking I don't mean about pregnancy (I'm very ill with longstanding medical condition and she won't even ask me about that)

I completely understand she's upset as I would
Have been but I'd never have said some of the things she has said to me. When I found out about the IVF I supported her so much even though inside I was dying even to the point of going into the IVF clinic with her for support. It killed me and I cried for hours but would never have said anything to her.

Think I'm just experiencing conflicting feelings and don't know how to deal with them

Xxx

 

[greenpear]

I'm so sorry to hear about you feeling so let down by your friend. It's not easy on you or her hearing your news and I understand how hurt you feel, especially since you were so supportive when she had her IVF accepted and you denied. Her reaction is not nice, as you need her now as she needs you but I can understand that above all she's very hurt. I would give her time and if she is a true friend to you continue reach out to her but don't talk about pregnancy, although I can only imagine how hard it is for you to feel her negativity. One thing I disagree with though is that you feel you can't be happy about your pregnancy.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT SHE'S NOT PREGNANT. You should and need to feel happy. If right now she can't be happy for you, it's her emotions she needs to figure out. Be happy with your family, your OH and just for yourself. She will come around eventually but that doesn't mean that until then you should feel guilty. Again, it is not your fault. God gave you a miracle so don't deny yourself joy.

 

[squirrel.]

You were amazing for being supportive of her when she got funding for IVF and you didn't. I can only imagine how difficult that was. However (and I mean this as kindly as I can) this is more than IVF funding, this is a pregnancy. This is what you have both fought so long to have and finally, wonderfully, you have it and she still doesn't. I think it seems clear she's not as strong as you were or are, so this is just too much for her. That is not your fault and sadly, you're the one who is receiving the flack for it. She's probably not proud or even aware of the fact that she's lashing out at you. We always hurt those closest to us when we're upset. Depending on what sort of person she it, she might be someone who is incredibly introspective and right now all she can think of is herself and her own problems, this might be why she isn't even asking you about other non-pregnancy related parts of your life. I do so hope that she welcomes the news of your pregnancy properly soon and celebrates in a way that you deserve. You've been through so much and finally it's here! Unfortunately, it seems like you're going to have to be an amazingly strong person once again and get your friend through this tough time, that is, if you want to. There is no obligation for you to put yourself in the difficult place of helping her. You have waited this long and deserve to be happy. Celebrate with everyone else and maybe distance yourself from this friend for a little while to give her time to heal.

xx

 

[wookie130]

I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend.

Really, the ball now is in her court. She may just really need time, and to go through her own journey...perhaps in time, she'll be ready to be supportive of you. If this doesn't happen, you should know that you took the high road, and at least tried to be there for her.

 

[EarthMama]

This is the type of thing that's very hard on female friendships. During my last miscarriage I told a close friend what happened and she didn't reply for weeks, not even to say a simple condolence. I found out through the grapevine that she was pregnant and probably just didn't know how to tell me after my loss. That situation hurt me so bad I have decided not to talk to her until I forgive her for the way she handled the news of my loss...ignoring me and hiding the news of her pregnancy from me was not the way to go.

I think you did the right thing by telling her up front...her pain is vivid right now and Is causing her to act out. Maybe check in to see how she is doing sometimes. She's obviously having a hard time coping with LTTTC.

 

[xdxxtx]

I feel this is a "darned if you do, darned if you don't" situation. I've been here. I have autoimmune disease, adrenal/thyroid issues, am obese due to the adrenal issues, and was diagnosed as infertile 3 1/2 years ago. But then I conceived my first miracle baby (after 18 months of TTC despite being diagnosed), and while I still have the medical issues, the infertility resolved itself somehow. We are still stumped. All the things that were seen that had me classed as infertile, I've got ultrasounds and the such showing the damage, and it's all gone and cleared up. True miracle!!! But other people who are infertile and haven't been so lucky, have had to go through fertility treatments, etc. are soooooo nasty with me for getting pregnant naturally ONCE not to mention three times! No matter how much these people claim to care about me.

I've certainly been in your shoes. And I 100% agree that it was right of you to tell her straight away. My recommendation is just to ask how her IVF is going, how's she feeling, etc. Hopefully she'll reciprocate instead of acting selfish. You and I have both been through it and know the pain of finding out that yet another person has conceived while we're still trying. We know what she's going through. I'm glad that you were able to be so strong and selfless, but that doesn't seem to be who your friend is. I hope it changes. Give her time and continue to be her friend. Hopefully there's someone else out there who will be yours when your friend isn't being very good to you.

 

[TTC First]

I am also in a similar position except I was the one that was told that she was PG. It is hard to take however I know that it was so hard for her to get PG that I was so happy for her. I hate to hear about those people that got PG on the first try or have oopsies. Nothing against the people but we tried so long that it's hard to hear that it came so easy for others.

She should have been happy for you, I am sorry that you are not being supported by her when you were just trying to put her feelings first.