It's been a long time...

[LucyLadyBug]

So,

I started this account in 2011, and rereading a couple of things I read then, it's funny how much things have changed.

I am still with my partner I describe then. Only instead of 21 (me) and 20 (him), we're now 24 and 23.

In my original plans I remember being broody, made worse by the stress of buying my first house, a friend passing away and the prospective of redecorating whilst my OH was away at uni and completing my final year of uni. But I had a hopeful (but felt so far away) date of 2014 for getting married and TTC.

Well, I am still as broody as ever, but we're still no closer right now to TTC sadly.

We have our own 3 bedroom house, I have an okayish paying job with room for promotion. He chose to drop out and is currently volunteering with children and looking to retrain as a nursery teacher. However, there is no official engagement and wedding in sight whilst we have been going out for 4 years and 3 months.

Because in the last few years we've realised we are polyamorous. If anyone isn't sure what that means, it's a form of ethical non monogamous dating. There are many different styles, but for us we are currently in a vee. my original OH is not seeing anyone but there's a friend of ours he may ask out at some point. I have been with my second OH (age 26) (OH1 and OH2 from now on) for a year this thursday actually. He identifies as monogamous so only dates me.

A lot of polyamory practicing people identify as couples and then have primary/secondary systems. As a vee (the boys don't date each other, are just great friends) we do not, all three of us are equal and I love my men equally, we all support and compliment each other in a unique way. (but all three of us have decided that anyone else we dated would be just a FWB, but me and OH2 are happy being fidelity based to the vee, and OH1 isn't seeking anyone apart from possibly the one girl I mention above. Who knows we are poly and is a good friend with all of us).

As such I do not want to marry either at the expense of the other being seen as legally less important. Though there are talks of a private/small type ceremony that's non legal at some point.

OH2 recently lost his job and lives about an hour from me, and whilst me and OH1 would be ready to TTC tomorrow, he's not quite ready yet to move in and try, financially or emotionally. But that's fine. we have at the moment a plan to be extra frugal and save up and then try in about 3 years, when it's more secure for me to take maternity leave from work.

Because of our unique situation, all three of us have sat down together and individually and had the long term, living together and babies talk already. And we are all on the same page and are happy with us living together and raising 4 children (mixed paternity) together, and feel we can do it in a positive fashion. It means so much to me that my boys both look forward to being fathers, and we openly chat about names, watch parenting documentaries/housey shows and are generally all broody.

A huge moment for me that clarified how right we were for each other was when OH2 communicated he was feeling down about losing his job and worried he would have less to contribute to the family pot when he moves in and later we TTC. I told him how even if he only had part time work, with me and OH1 working, he would be able to help out in other invaluable ways. Especially as due to promotion progression I fear to take long maternity leave at work. Then I said a part of me feared we would have to put off till 2017 or 2018. At that OH2 said no way, if I wasn't pregnant in 2 years he would make sure him or OH1 corrected that straight away.

I understand some people may have questions/concerns/opposing views, I am happy to answer any and all. And I've got from 2011 to 2014, I hope the waiting to try period to 2016 gets easier.

sorry this is so long btw

lucy x

 

[KalonKiki]

I promise I'm not here to judge and I understand that everyone has different views and ways of doing things, but I've never actually met anyone that successfully did the whole poly relationship thing, so I'm a bit curious. I'm not against poly relationships and I wouldn't mind having one myself if DF were okay with it, only I wouldn't be with another man apart from him it would be another woman. I'm okay with being in a mono relationship for his sake though as I am completely in love with him and honestly don't need anyone else to make me feel whole or satisfied.

What made you decide that a poly relationship was best for you?
Will OH1 be inviting this other girl to live with you as well and have children with her too?
Are you worried about one of them getting jealous if one of them gets you pregnant before the other one?
Are you worried about them favoring their bio offspring over the other(s)?
Do you have a preference for who you TTC with first?
How many children do you want or want with each OH?

 

[HoneyBee144]

I think KalonKiki has asked a lot of the questions I would have so I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. It's not something that would ever work for me but I am really interested to hear about people's different lifestyles and how they work.

 

[madseasons]

I have a few friends in poly relationships, and I commend them everyday! I can only handle a few men, and that is DH and DS!

Good luck honey, and know that this is a place where even though some don't understand, you can have support no matter what!

 

[Beanonorder]

I'm also interested in the answers to those questions....

 

[LucyLadyBug]

I'm quite open about my relationship, we're not ashamed/have nothing to hide so people can take us as they find. I accept that poly isn't for everyone though, and think there are many different family set ups that work for different people. As I said I've been on here in the past, so wasn't especially worried about being judged.

thanks for the replies, and here are a few answers to the questions. I would have replied sooner but me and OH2 had our anniversary today/were teaching a dance class to some new dancers, so busy busy:

1.What made you decide that a poly relationship was best for you?

I'm not sure when the specific moment was. I've always been cuddly and had a lot of close friends of different genders. I realised I was bi about 16 or 17. But I was still very much of the monogamous, married before children expectation, as that was how I was brought up. In our early 20s, me and OH1 had a good female friend, who we experimented with a little bit and both cared for a lot. I didn't even know what polyamory was or understand what we were doing really. But it was only a momentary thing and are just friends with the girl now.
During an extended period of separation due to uni I developed a very close non sexual but similar to coupley friendship with a male friend. OH1 did not mind as my friend was providing support he currently could not, and we were all upfront and mine and the friend's friendship has and always will be just platonic.
But, my ability to build such a connection made me wonder. I did a bit of research and chatted with a friend way more down the bdsm/swinger end of the spectrum who suggested I might be polyamorous. I discussed it with OH1, but we decided as I much preferred intimacy within a relationship, we'd just maintain monogamy unless I (or OH1) actually fell in love. Rather than date just because we can.

Some people choose poly, I identify it as almost like an orientation when the right people come along. And that's what happened. I met OH2 a little later down the line and I just knew. I couldn't help loving him, and I don't love OH1 any less. My love for both are so strong, and them for me, it just works. Plus all three of us have similar interests/senses of humour/help each other out in different ways, we operate not just as me/OH1 and me/OH2, there's also OH1/OH2's friendship, and our interaction as an overal unit.

2. Will OH1 be inviting this other girl to live with you as well and have children with her too?

No, not at all. Because of how we are all good friends with this girl, and she's quite liberal along the casual relationships/fwb spectrum, I am happy for her to rent our spare room for next year if her other options fall down. And I can always see her being a good friend. But it would just be temporary like my other lodgers (all just friends) the three of us have talked it over at length and we don't want any more core people. It is quite hard for most vees to get the level of non heirarchy we have. But with any other main partners involved, It would be too much hassle/stress/would not be fair on the children to have so much mixed parentage/not something we want. We've carved out our own unique little family path and that's enough for us.

OH2 is happily monogamous to me and is probably only ever to experiment with another girl if it's a shared experience. and OH1 is curious to date other girls but is in no real rush and neither want to have children with anyone else but me.

3. Are you worried about one of them getting jealous if one of them gets you pregnant before the other one?

I have been worried about the concept. But we've all talked it over as a group. And it's not going to be a free for all. so no option of NTNP with us. When we officially start TTC, and come off contraception, I will be actively trying with one OH, and using condoms with the other. And then visa versa for child 2, etc... And the order will be decided nearer the time based on relevant factors.

4. Are you worried about them favoring their bio offspring over the other(s)?

Again I did wonder. And apart from OH1 having a preference for a name we picked together for a girl a few years ago being used with his bio daughter. I can't think of any signs. When the boys talk about the kids, they talk about all of them as if they would be equally theirs.

One future custom we suggested was, the bio dad of the baby would cut the cord, and the non bio dad would hold it to cut. That way there was always a connection based on biological heirarchy. But no one would be left out.

5. Do you have a preference for who you TTC with first?

Not really. In the beginning I assumed OH1 because we were both equally broody (OH2 is now just as bad as us). But it's not as easy as that. I honestly would be honored either way, and just hope to have happy healthy children.

6. How many children do you want or want with each OH?

Ideally I've always wanted 4 children as I had a very small family, so I guess 2 for each OH.


Sorry for some of the long answers, hope these answers helped, and feel free to ask any more questions

 

[KalonKiki]

Thank you for all of your answers and satisfying my curiosity.

I wish you the best of luck with both of your OHs and hope that you have 4 happy and healthy children.