I've given it 3 years and 15 pounds... still no baby..

[Hoping4aBoy]

“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.”
― Naomi Wolf
So lets just lay it out on the preverbal table shall we? I have found (in the space between emotional distress, self-destructive behavior, intellectual pit falling, and fear) at least 15 pounds…. Which being that I was a “fat” child who overcame bad genetics and a horribly unhealthy lifestyle to lose a great deal of weight … to now see the fat child’s once avoided future now looking back at me in the mirror…. Good god I can’t believe what I am seeing.
I blame several things, not enough self-determination, not enough self-love, and too much emotional upheaval. Outside of the quest for baby, my husband and I have both had changes in career (which turned out for the best but when you are muddling through it…..), I have gone through some family drama, and the normal life setbacks and challenges. Add some infertility and the financial strain that can cause and well, my ass is much bigger than it used to be.
My Husband falls under two different personalities. The nice guy: this one loves me unconditionally. He loves my curves and doesn’t “gym” talk at me. Nor does he question my eating habits. The a#@hole: Watches what I order, “gym” talks to me, suggests better habits.
*Gym talk- “You go to the gym today?” “You should go before work, you will get use to getting up early.” “You need to left more weights.”
When we first met I was a little less than what I currently weigh, which is 148lbs. I lost down to 123 ish during the time between proposal and wedding. After the wedding in 09’ I steadily gained a little bit. I got to about 135 and leveled off because I think that is about my natural weight. (I’m 5’3 and ½ and I have a small build.)
When I am determined and focused, I can achieve anything. When I am heartsick and emotional, I tend to eat my feelings. Which is what I have been doing for about 3 years now, add some over indulgence in wine and presto I jiggle.
I am starting an actual DIET today. Not a life style change, a diet. Life style change can come later. I am going to attempt to replicate what I did before the wedding.
I was just wondering if anyone else is in this situation???

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

.......

 

[seoj]

I can absolutely relate to some of what your saying... I think, to an extent, any woman can. We all have our reasons for over eating... for me, it's bordom. If I have nothing "better to do" I eat. I am not an emotional eater- only because I carry all my worry, stress and/or guilt in my tummy- which goes into knots and makes it very difficult to eat anything. Blessing or curse? And, when I did eat, I didn't even consider the calories in that small pizza I'd consume ON MY OWN~!!!

I have always battled my weight- not because of bad genetics, or up bringing- I cannot blame that at all. It was my OWN doing. Why? I may never know for sure- I can only pin it down to being young and induldging my food cravings and not really paying attention to how much weight I put on the 10 yrs after High School (or really caring- at the time). I'd always had curves and carried my weight evenly, so I think I just didn't really "see it"... but suddenly (or so it seemed) the 1-2lbs here and there that crept up on me in that time added up to 40lbs!

In the long term, yes, it IS a lifestyle change. But in the short run- it's just nice to see results. For me- I started by going to the gym regularly (which I'd never done before). And that helped. I also tried to eat "healthier"- but still... it took another 10yrs, and having my baby (go figure) for me to FINALLY lose that last 15lbs I'd been carrying around for way too long. It took the Loseit app- and watching my calories and pushing myself at the gym... and finally giving myself the attention I deserved.

But, really, it took determination. The kind I don't think I'd ever *really* had before when it came to my weight. I thought about eating less and working out more (often). But I just never felt the drive to do it. So I fluxuated between a size 10-12 most of my adult life (after losing some lbs to get down from a size 14).

I'm now a size 8- and only 10lbs over my High School weight. I still work out 5-6 days a week- I do classes and keep every I eat logged in my loseit app to maintain (I cannot be left to my own devices as I soon learned the 2mos I decided to just wing it and gained back 6lbs- which I then had to re-loose! Joy).

I know none of this is exactly the same- and may not help at all- but we too went through a lot TTC. We were actually told our odds were very slim (like 5% chance) even with Clomid/IUI after a long journey, my hubbies 2 reversals, being poked and prodded and always trying to keep hope alive! I have another friend that went through similar for 3yrs- and the clomid didn't help them, but the combination Clomid/IUI did.

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck in that regard. I know how much crap life can throw at you. Trust me- long story, but I went through things I wasn't sure I'd manage through- and I did. The human spirit can be pretty amazing!!! Hope can be amazing- especially renewed hope and when you do what you need to do to take care of yourself, not just mentally, but physically... So kudos to you!!!!!

 

[seoj]

btw- sorry that was soooo long... guess it just kinda all spilled out!

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

I think reading posts from people who have been through or are going through similar life circumstances is helpful and enlightening. We can learn from each other and take support in the knowledge that we aren’t alone.

I enjoyed reading your post and I will take your example to heart. I think my hardest obstacle is the knowing that I have been tested, emotionally, and wasn’t made of what I thought I was. I have always had this idea of what my life would be because, come hell or high water, it would not be like the other women in my family. And to my credit, it isn’t. At the same time, its not what I had envisioned either. I’m disappointed in myself and mad. The mad is just a strange emotion to deal with sometimes. I feel so ungrateful for the gifts I have been given. And so unappreciative of the things I have accomplished. Because the picture doesn’t match the one in my head. I’m catholic, not a practicing one mind you, but one just the same. Guilt was something burned into me as a small child on the church pew, but the guilt of having so much but feeling so cheated is getting to me. I cannot rationalize how I feel. But I suppose an argument to be made in reference to that, is emotion, the human element, isn’t rational?

I’ve gotten back on track some, and settled some of the noise in my head. We are gearing up for daily injectables, IUI, and progesterone again. This will be our second go in this stage. I am hoping, our last.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond.

 

[seoj]

Wishing you the very best hun- I do understand how lonely going through all that can be. I always try to think positive and know (somewhere in me) that things work out in the end... I had to believe that all the years I was single before meeting my hubby... I had to believe that all the time spent TTC while watching close friends and family get pregnant and have beautiful babies... I also had to believe that when my Mom got sick (although, as we know, life doesn't always work out well in the end).

I guess, overall, I try to live a positive life. In hopes, that energy put out comes back to me. I'm not saying it's easy. LOL. Far from it at times. And when I was younger I'd say I was more of a pesimist- and not really sure when that changed?

I do understand guilt- I am my own worst critic. I take things in and they tend to fester if I don't find an outlet for them. Like this underlying emotion just waiting for the right moment to bubble up- even if I don't realize it's there. So that is something I'm still working on... and getting better... as I am a work in progress. We all are.

I read once that just because life isn't living up to your expectations doesn't mean it's letting you down... and that just kinda stuck. I remind myself of that whenever life throws me a curve ball. Which it certainly has! I also try to think of all the good things in my life- the moments that we cherish. That helps

Hugs my dear ... You got this!!!