Jokes

Discussion in 'General Chatter' started by vicky, Sep 2, 2006.

  1. vicky

    vicky Well-Known Member

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    >A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
    >her husband burst into the kitchen.
    >"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    >You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
    >We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
    >BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
    >Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
    >you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
    >LOST your mind?
    >Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
    >Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
    >The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
    >think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
    >The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
    >when I'm fucking driving."
     
  2. vicky

    vicky Well-Known Member

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    >A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
    >you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." What do you mean?"
    >said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't
    >have that before." "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a
    >canon ball, but I'm fine now." "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
    >What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle. I boarded a
    >ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
    >with a hook. I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a
    >flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
    >"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
    >from a little bird shit." "It was my first day with the fucking hook!"
     
  3. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    computer tech


    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
    out.
    Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
    Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
    Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a
    note.
    Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
    yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

    ===============

    Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
    the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    ===============

    Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me
    and...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical
    on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

    ===============

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
    print Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
    I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
    the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
    it...

    ===============

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.

    ===============

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at
    the 7-11.

    ===============

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the
    computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
    back.
    Customer: OK
    Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
    in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that
    one does work...

    ===============

    Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a"
    as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the
    number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


    == =============

    Customer: can't get on the Internet.
    Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
    password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    ===============

    Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    ===============

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
    a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move
    the mouse, it disappears.

    ===============

    Tech support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
    but how do I get the circle around it?


    ===============

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
    problem with her printer.
    Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that
    is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next
    to me is under a window, and his printer is working
    fine."

    ===============

    And last but not least...

    Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and
    escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task
    list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter
    "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: I don't have a P.
    Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean?
    Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
     
  4. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    how to get rid of telemarketers

    Get Rid of Telemarketers For Good
    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
    4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
    9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
    10. If the telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company and that employees cannot participate.
    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
    12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
    14 Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
    15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
    17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you, but I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
    18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
    19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
    20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down
     
  5. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    ...A man breaks into a house, as he is rummaging thru' the drawers he hears a strange voice..."JESUS IS WATCHING YOU", startled he looks around and see's nothing. He carries on to the next drawer..." JESUS IS WATCHING YOU", again he looks around, a little puzzled as to where the strange voice is coming from. Still confident no one is really watching him he goes over to the dresser and starts to look in there..."JESUS IS WATCHING YOU", this time the voice is coming from the same corner he is in, he turns on his torch (flashlight), and points it in the direction of the voice. Sitting on a perch is a very colourful parrot.

    "Was that you saying that?" he asks the bird.

    "YES", replies the parrot.

    "What is your name?" asks the burglar

    "Moses" came the reply.

    "Moses" repeats the burglar, "What kind of people would call a parrot Moses?"

    The parrot talks again...."The same type of people who would call their Rottweiler Jesus"
     
  6. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

    "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

    She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

    "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

    Little Tony just said,

    "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
    "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"
     
  7. Arcanegirl

    Arcanegirl Bazinga!!

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    My Private Part Died Today

















    An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.



    "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."



    Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."



    The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.



    "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas!"



    "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."



    "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.



    "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing. "
     

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