Just a chat and some advice needed

[Welshcob]

Hi Ladies.
Well I am nearly on the home straight. After chewing over about whether I should inform FOB of what his child is once its born and taking your advice as well as various agencies WAid etc, I won't say anything and I feel somewhat re assured because reading on the Undertaking document that I have, the no contact order can be extended if necessary. So at the end of the day its his choice, he'll have to make contact.
I had a few tears yesterday again because I can't understand how someone can be so inhuman and cruel. But I see it is not just him, many of you have cold uncaring men who fathered your lovely babies. I just can't imagine being able to sweep it under the carpet and pretend that baby doesn't exist.

Quite a few things are scaring me at the moment. First of all the birth and I find myself wanting to take something of the fathers with me to the labour.... I think to myself, what a silly cow and I wonder what on earth is wrong with me. Why can't I just throw that waster away in the same way he has done to us. Of course - he may really shock me and make contact or offer maintenance! But I seriously doubt that.

The next thing that scares me and I wonder if you have any advice, how am I going to actually cope on my own, I mean there is no one to look after bubs unless I go to friends. So ultimately its going to have to come with me to all appointments. Is that workable?
Also scared - can I manage without money from him? I just looked at day care - and its £210 a week. I can get £243 in vouchers from work but thats only going to cover about a third of it.

Now I sound like an old scratched record...but I decided I would not go via CSA because of advice from solicitor ( although, I am not to know that my solicitor was a good one) and Domestic Violence Helpline, because hes going to come after me and I can see him making me and the baby suffer for years to come. Dragging me back and forth to court - which I cannot afford and its just a complete waste of energy!
I have decided though, that if there is anything wrong with LO I will go via CSA because he won't want to touch it with a barge pole!

But whats eating at me - is that its so wrong!!!! He went into this knowingly and from what I have figured out, his motive was to terrorise me into not contacting him ever again for maintenance or anything else. I am pretty safe where I am at the moment, he can't find me as I moved away, but finances will force me back to my old address in three months or so. Thats also why I am nervous of seeking any help via the CSA.
I don't trust the law, police or anyone really as I have been so badly let down by them.

 

[louise85]

Hey hun, so sorry to hear about all you've been through. I don't understand how they cannot want to know their own flesh and blood either, if it was me it would be on my mind all day everyday, they'll regret it one day but by then you will probably have realises you CAN do it alone!!

I have raised my DD alone, she's pretty much been stuck to my side since the day she was born (she's now 4) so yes it's completely doable and now I'm gonna be doing it again by the looks of it.

As for money, it depends on your income hun, if you earn under so much you get 80% of your childcare paid for you by working tax credits and it goes down the more you earn so you'd have to look into that.

I'm sorry I can't really help with the CSA situation as I don't really know much about it. But if you've been given advice to steer clear maybe thats for the best, is there any way he can contact you if he wants to?

You haven't got long left now bet you excited?? Apart from all the stress. It'll all be worth it when you've got that little one in your arms.

 

[Welshcob]

Hey hun, so sorry to hear about all you've been through. I don't understand how they cannot want to know their own flesh and blood either, if it was me it would be on my mind all day everyday, they'll regret it one day but by then you will probably have realises you CAN do it alone!!

I have raised my DD alone, she's pretty much been stuck to my side since the day she was born (she's now 4) so yes it's completely doable and now I'm gonna be doing it again by the looks of it.

As for money, it depends on your income hun, if you earn under so much you get 80% of your childcare paid for you by working tax credits and it goes down the more you earn so you'd have to look into that.

I'm sorry I can't really help with the CSA situation as I don't really know much about it. But if you've been given advice to steer clear maybe thats for the best, is there any way he can contact you if he wants to?

You haven't got long left now bet you excited?? Apart from all the stress. It'll all be worth it when you've got that little one in your arms.

I really appreciate your message! Just to know it is doable!!! I feel so upset for the baby - I keep remembering how he went to his friends to buy their baby a present and hes done less for his own!! Its absolutely sickening. I left means for him to make contact with me on purpose, so that he could ask if he wanted to. He knows my due date from before he abanonded ship ( pretty much right away) My dates have only changed slightly according to scan. I left my email box open and he can leave a message on my home phone - although I doubt I would actually speak to him. He can also write to my old address and I will get it. So he has plenty of means to make contact.

I still find it hard to accept the situation and what hes done, because there was never any explanation or discussion. All I wanted was to know what was going on. I fully accepted that he might not want to be with me...but I can't accept what hes done or that he is abandoning his child without any morals at all. One that he planned! Total madness and cowardice I say!

 

[suzanne108]

I can't really advise much although I wish I could....but I can offer

Also on the nursery thing regarding money...same as the person above said....if you work under so many hours or earn under so much you can reclaim your nursery fees through child tax credit. So you don't need to worry too much about that.

I have no doubt that you WILL cope! I can't speak from experience but if you can cope with a violent idiotic ex boyfriend, you can cope with a cute little innocent baby

Forget that tw*t and think of the good times ahead with your little bubba xxx

 

[purpledahlia]

Why do you have to go back to your old address?? is there any way you can avoid that?

He is gonna miss out on so much, they all are. What a tosspot.

You could always go down to working part time, which would mean less of an income BUT more time with LO (maybe 4 full days a week-working 3??) which will do millions for babys development, would also mean you will probably get your 3 full days nursery paid? or the amount from your company would cover it?

You still have time, (mat leave im guessing) to figure out about work so try not to let it stress you out too much just yet, they might offer you part time hours that would solve it...

Sorry my reply is so rubbish its so late and im tired, but hopefully something helped at lesat a little! x

 

[tinkabells]

Hey hope your ok, dont really know what to say, but here if ya need a chat xxx

 

[Welshcob]

Hey hope your ok, dont really know what to say, but here if ya need a chat xxx

 

[tinkabells]

You've been through alot, like most of us have, so were all here for each other xxx

 

[Ash_P]

Totally understand how u feeling hun. Its a disgrace that they can create a life, and then just walk away from it without a care in the world. But they will wake up on day (it mite take years) and when they realise how much of a dick they are, it`ll be too late. We will be settled with our babies, and they will certainly be the last thing on our mind.

Just remember u will be a FANTASTIC mum, U will gain strength that u didnt even know u had. U will manage perfectly well, and ur wee one will adore u unconditionally.
Things will fall into place, and financially u will manage, U will find a way.
Is there no way that u can go thru CSA and make sure that they contact u via ur solicitor, that way he has no way of gettin in touch with u, and has no way of finding out where u live.

U are entitled to a wee bit more money when child is born, i know its not much if ur working full time, but it mite help with finding a new perm address.

Keep ur chin up, dont worry about the worries and fears, 1 thing i have been told, and its so important.

ENJOY UR PREGNANCY - despite the fears of doing it on ur own, not coping, struggling financially etc etc
Because u`ll never get those 9 months back. So for all the little time u have left, try and relax and enjoy those last few days hun. And i bet that once LO comes along, u will have the most amazing strength to find ways rounds ur worries and concerns.

 

[tinkabells]

Ash your so right xxx

 

[Ash_P]

They will never understand what its life to grow a child, deliver it, and bring it up the way we do. They will never have the bond we have with our kids, and one things I have realised in the past few days is that...... They must get a buzz to know if we are struggling, and they will certainly get a kick outta seeing us worry, and strain, and it boosts their ego that they think we NEED them.

So from now on, we gotta be stronger, and let them see we dont need them. They all rot in hell lol We have our friends and b&b to cry, and show our fears but we help each other and pick each other up, and thats all we need. We certainly dont need them !!!

 

[sweetlullaby]

Here here

 

[purpledahlia]

totally. They get a buzz when they know we need them, soon as we dont, they want to be involved in some way or another.

Keep strong!!