Just curious about having a different last name from baby...

[October2013]

First off, my boyfriend and I currently have a great and healthy relationship. MOST of the time he is a very responsible and reliable person, and I know he will be a fantastic father. Although this pregnancy was unplanned, we are both very excited about having our daughter and talk often about plans for our future together, HOWEVER, he is not ready to marry me, and doesn't know when he ever will be...

I'm not quite sure how to word this, but are there any downsides to being unmarried and having my baby's last name the same as her father, instead of mine?
We plan on her having his last name when she's born, but since him and I are only boyfriend and girlfriend and not married, is that a bad idea? Especially since he has no plans to marry me anytime soon? I see her as OUR baby, not "mine", but I'm just wondering if it's a stupid thing to do, from a legal standpoint.

Any advice appreciated! Thanks, girls.

 

[Princess Lou]

When my cousin had her daughter, she automatically gave her her fathers name even though at the time there were no plans to marry (they will marry when she is 3 years and 2.5 months old).

From a legal point if shouldn't make a difference to you if the child has your name or not but it might make all the difference to the father. Obviously I am not up to scratch on American law. I would seek advice on it.

Can you double barrel her name?

My sister double barreled her daughters name when she was born because they had every intention of marrying and my sister (and her fiance) planned on double barreling so the three of them will be HerName-HisName.

 

[LegoHouse]

My daughter has her dads last name. We are seperated now, and I have a son with my current OH last name. I plan on marrying him, too. I do wonder if she will be left out when we all have the same last name, and she has her dads, but right now she does understand that she has her dads surname and I have my dads, and Oliver has his dads. So it's OK x

 

[BubsMom17]

My son had my husband's last name and I didn't until we married, and my mom and I have never shared a last name since she never took my dad's name even when they were married (they eventually divorced and both remarried). It never impacted anything.

The ONLY thing I ever came across as being different when I wasn't married to my husband, was that I flew out of state with my son to visit family and my husband (fiance at the time), had to write and have a letter notarized stating he gave me permission for me to leave the state with the kid. Other than that, there have been no differences between having the same name as my son or not.

 

[October2013]

My son had my husband's last name and I didn't until we married, and my mom and I have never shared a last name since she never took my dad's name even when they were married (they eventually divorced and both remarried). It never impacted anything.

The ONLY thing I ever came across as being different when I wasn't married to my husband, was that I flew out of state with my son to visit family and my husband (fiance at the time), had to write and have a letter notarized stating he gave me permission for me to leave the state with the kid. Other than that, there have been no differences between having the same name as my son or not.

My parents had the same situation, so my brother and I both have our dad's last name.

That's a little crazy that he had to give written permission to "let" you fly out of state! That kind of scares me, if I ever needed to go out of state and for whatever reason couldn't get written permission from the baby's father.

 

[undomestic]

My son had my husband's last name and I didn't until we married, and my mom and I have never shared a last name since she never took my dad's name even when they were married (they eventually divorced and both remarried). It never impacted anything.

The ONLY thing I ever came across as being different when I wasn't married to my husband, was that I flew out of state with my son to visit family and my husband (fiance at the time), had to write and have a letter notarized stating he gave me permission for me to leave the state with the kid. Other than that, there have been no differences between having the same name as my son or not.

I think you have to get a notarized letter regardless of whether your child shares your last name or not.. It's to prevent parental abductions..


It's funny, we were just talking about this with my 6 year old niece the other day.. Her mom never took her dad's name (even tho they are married) and it totally doesn't bother her that her mom's last name is different than hers.

 

[BubsMom17]

I think you have to get a notarized letter regardless of whether your child shares your last name or not.. It's to prevent parental abductions..

That may the case, but I just wouldn't know since we haven't traveled separately since. And yes, I think it is a good thing. I just flip the situation and to think if something were to EVER happen with me and DH, I would hope they would enforce the letter-law to prevent him from taking my kids out of state... or the country even, god forbid!

They just made a big deal about it when they saw my son and I had different last names. I wasn't sure if they would have said anything if we had had the same name.

 

[Dream.dream]

Unless your married I suggest you give baby your name . The differnece is you can alway change it to his if you do get married , it's easy and all you new is to go together and sign a paper at the registry office

, however IF things go badly and you break up or he buggers off you cannot then change it to you name without his permission. Even if he's had no contact it's very difficult to change it without his permission .

I really suggest you give baby your name

 

[angel2010]

I gave my son my now husband's last name. We were engaged and I knew we would get married eventually. Shamefully, I haven't changed my name yet and don't think I will manage to get it done before this baby is born, so she won't have the same name as me either. Personally, if I wasn't sure of future marriage, I wouldn't give my children my bf's last name. You can always change it later. To me, if he had a problem with my decision I would tell him that if he is ready to give "us" a full commitment and put marriage on the table, then I may change my mind. Also, in regards to a hyphenated name, I have one and I hated it as a child and hate it now. It is a huge hassle. You never know which name a place has, whether the first, second or both with the hyphen or without the hyphen. Sorry if this isn't helpful or if I have repeated others.

 

[October2013]

Thank you for all of your advice, girls. I'm still a bit torn on what to do. I already told my bf I was ok with her having his last name, it wasn't until today that I started to second guess it...
But I think since we are not married AND we have no set plans of getting married, it's the combination of BOTH of those things that make me think maybe it's best for her not to have his last name.. I mean, I really hate to sound selfish, since she is just as much his child as she is mine, but is it really fair to ME to give her his last name, when I've been the one carrying her, I'm the one having to give birth to her, AND he doesn't know if/ when him and I will ever get married? Even before becoming pregnant, when I would ask him about our marriage plans, he would (and still) always says he's not ready yet, not even ready to be engaged, and he doesn't know why... I definitely don't expect him to marry me just because we're having a baby, and we have only been together two years.. But still. I don't know what to do.

I would prefer not to give her a hyphenated last name since she's going to have two middle names, and to be completely superficial, I have always hated my last name, so initially I wanted her to have his last name just because of how much I can't stand mine. But now, I'm just not so sure...

 

[vermeil]

Here in Quebec women keep their maiden names after marriage. It`s actually a lot of trouble to change your name to your husband`s. It`s just not tradition and usually not done, except in very conservative circles. You just keep the name you were born with. Makes sense to me

For kids, it`s up to the parents, they can give her name, his name or hyphenate both.

So my humble opinion is to give your baby your name. Please don`t take this the wrong way but I feel like he`s winning on both sides - avoiding marriage AND his child will have his last name. He`s not giving anything and receiving everything he wants. I would give the baby my name, until he married me. It`s a simple compromise no? I would not accept differently. Of course this is very personal, just what I would do Everything depends on your relationship and how he treats you. Again here half of couples never marry and have kids.

 

[angel2010]

So my humble opinion is to give your baby your name. Please don`t take this the wrong way but I feel like he`s winning on both sides - avoiding marriage AND his child will have his last name. He`s not giving anything and receiving everything he wants. I would give the baby my name, until he married me. It`s a simple compromise no? I would not accept differently. Of course this is very personal, just what I would do Everything depends on your relationship and how he treats you. Again here half of couples never marry and have kids.

This is how I feel too.

 

[October2013]

I feel like he`s winning on both sides - avoiding marriage AND his child will have his last name. He`s not giving anything and receiving everything he wants.

I honestly couldn't agree more.

 

[October2013]

Do you girls think it makes a difference that he supports me/ baby financially by himself? I'm currently not working, so everything we have and every bill due is paid for by his salary. Do you think that makes him more 'deserving' of having the same last name with the baby? Honest opinions..

 

[angel2010]

I don't think it makes any difference. But I am sure he will see it that way and will put up a fight. I would just tell him "when and if you marry me, I will gladly take lo to get the name changed". But like a pp said, it will be very hard to change it back to yours later. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[onetwothreebp]

I know it's tradition to give the baby the father's last name but if he has zero intentions of marrying you right now, I would give the baby your name. If he decides he wants to marry you, it's easy to change your name and LO's.

I really really advise against giving the baby his last name.

And no, he can not "buy" his last name for the baby. It doesn't matter how much he is paying to support you and LO, that shouldn't affect your decision. He may pay the bills but you're doing all the grunt work - one could argue that could make YOU more deserving. Don't play those games. I would give the child your name and when he is ready for marriage, you can all have the same name.

 

[Sbmack]

I'm married, but did not change my last name to my husband's so my kids and I will not have the same last name and I'm not worried about it at all.

Maybe I'm old fashioned in this regard, but if I were you I'd give your LO your boyfriend's last name. From the sound of it, the two of you are in loving relationship and plan on raising the child together. My parents were not married when I was born and my mother gave me my father's last name. They didn't stay together but he was a big part of my life. It seems to me that your BF plans on being an important part of your LO's life. If the situation was different and you didn't think you could count on him, then I would say to give the baby your last name.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[jesssika]

Where I am, if you have a different last name to your child, you can't enrol them in school, or take them to doctors appointments alone, or anything really. You pretty much sacrifice your parental hold over your child, very difficult.

 

[GrowingMum]

I'd give the baby your last name. Like pp said, if and when you do get married it is easy to change both your last names to his. That is a lot easier than changing back to yours later if you and your OH split. I'm not saying he will leave, but he's not comitting either. And its not like you would be using his last name to get him to marry you either. I just think its a smart decision to protect yourself and your son if the relationship does go badly. But thats just my opinion.

On the flip side, marriage doesn't guarantee anything either. If you are confident he will stick around, go ahead and give him oh's name.

It's a tough decision. Good luck with it.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

Unless your married I suggest you give baby your name . The differnece is you can alway change it to his if you do get married , it's easy and all you new is to go together and sign a paper at the registry office

, however IF things go badly and you break up or he buggers off you cannot then change it to you name without his permission. Even if he's had no contact it's very difficult to change it without his permission .

I really suggest you give baby your name

I agree with this completely. I have seen you bring this up a couple times so I know it's something your not sure of. It's hard in your situation because things are good between you and your boyfriend and by not giving your daughter his last name will most likely cause anger and bitterness from him...So its something that needs alot of thought.

However...I almost made this mistake before and I am just sooo glad it took me forever to get my kids first birth certificates! Although they had their fathers last name on their health card, nothing is legal until its finalized on a birth certificate.

It is a very old fashion tradition and there is nothing much about today's world that's like the old fashion traditions. If he does not have any plans to marry you and this child wasn't even planned then there is no reason to give this child his last name. i believe unless married or engaged to be married...it's absolutely unnecessary.