Just curious about having a different last name from baby...

[Ninagrrl]

I am not married and do not know when/if I will get married because of a lot of issues, some our faults, some mine, some his, some no ones. A lot of reasons not to marry him, at least right now. Anyway, we have been together for 5 years as of August and this is my second child with him. Our son has his name and our next child will have his name as well.

To me, giving a child the fathers name isn't about what is expected or anything like that, it also shouldn't be about whether or not the father marries the mother. Just my opinion. It should be about the relationship between the father and that child. If he has a relationship with that child then he has just as much right to share a name with that child as the mother does. There are plenty of moms out there that carried their child and birthed that child that are in NO way moms and the fathers have stood up and been the world for that child. (not saying this is you, just offering an opposite point of view). Having a child does not make a parent, raising a child makes a parent.

I'm just saying, I personally think the deciding factor should not be about marriage or not. Even if you do decide to give the baby your name, it should come from a different place. Could create resentment or other negative feelings. He could see it as an ultimatum and it could have the opposite affect. He could see it as you doubting that you want to be with him. It depends on who he is as a person. He might be a strong enough person to handle it, or maybe he won't.

As far as from the child's perspective... it may affect the child later on in life to carry the mom's name because it is the social norm to have the fathers name and lets face it, kids can be cruel and ignorant adults can be crueler.

Either way, good luck.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

I am not married and do not know when/if I will get married because of a lot of issues, some our faults, some mine, some his, some no ones. A lot of reasons not to marry him, at least right now. Anyway, we have been together for 5 years as of August and this is my second child with him. Our son has his name and our next child will have his name as well.

To me, giving a child the fathers name isn't about what is expected or anything like that, it also shouldn't be about whether or not the father marries the mother. Just my opinion. It should be about the relationship between the father and that child. If he has a relationship with that child then he has just as much right to share a name with that child as the mother does. There are plenty of moms out there that carried their child and birthed that child that are in NO way moms and the fathers have stood up and been the world for that child. (not saying this is you, just offering an opposite point of view). Having a child does not make a parent, raising a child makes a parent.

I'm just saying, I personally think the deciding factor should not be about marriage or not. Even if you do decide to give the baby your name, it should come from a different place. Could create resentment or other negative feelings. He could see it as an ultimatum and it could have the opposite affect. He could see it as you doubting that you want to be with him. It depends on who he is as a person. He might be a strong enough person to handle it, or maybe he won't.

As far as from the child's perspective... it may affect the child later on in life to carry the mom's name because it is the social norm to have the fathers name and lets face it, kids can be cruel and ignorant adults can be crueler.

Either way, good luck.

Although I agree that marriage in itself should not be the official deciding factor necessarily...I don't agree at all that this will have any social effect on the child and I don't agree that in today's world that its still the norm to take the fathers last name when not married. A child certainly would not be teased from other children because they took the mothers last name. My children have not had one problem with being teased because of this or any other child I know.

 

[Ninagrrl]

Although I agree that marriage in itself should not be the official deciding factor necessarily...I don't agree at all that this will have any social effect on the child and I don't agree that in today's world that its still the norm to take the fathers last name when not married. A child certainly would not be teased from other children because they took the mothers last name. My children have not had one problem with being teased because of this or any other child I know.

Maybe not today, but I know of a boy that was in my fifth grade class that did get picked on. He was quiet and shy and played by himself mostly and a group of kids used to call him a b-word child (but the actual cuss).... something that was overheard being said by one of those kids parents as was revealed much later. The parent was banned from attending school functions with acception to Parent/teacher meetings. It's unfortunate and might not even be common but it does happen. It might also depend on where you live. There is a lot of factors.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

Although I agree that marriage in itself should not be the official deciding factor necessarily...I don't agree at all that this will have any social effect on the child and I don't agree that in today's world that its still the norm to take the fathers last name when not married. A child certainly would not be teased from other children because they took the mothers last name. My children have not had one problem with being teased because of this or any other child I know.

Maybe not today, but I know of a boy that was in my fifth grade class that did get picked on. He was quiet and shy and played by himself mostly and a group of kids used to call him a b-word child (but the actual cuss).... something that was overheard being said by one of those kids parents as was revealed much later. The parent was banned from attending school functions with acception to Parent/teacher meetings. It's unfortunate and might not even be common but it does happen. It might also depend on where you live. There is a lot of factors.

That's unfortunate about the boy...it sounds to me like that boy was picked on regardless of his last name.

 

[teacup22]

We weren't married when DS was born but I told (now DH) that he had to marry me if I gave DS his surname! Haha
We got married when he was 1y8months

 

[October2013]

Great points of views, ladies. I still feel so torn and bummed about what to do.. I feel like since I already told him she'd be getting his last name I shouldn't go back on the agreement. I mean I picked her first name. Well, I didn't exactly decide or demand her first name, I picked it out and we both agreed on it. I also chose her godmother. I picked out EVERYTHING on our registry, but I don't think he was interested in that stuff anyway. I just don't know what's the deciding factor to determine who's last name she SHOULD get. Like I don't feel either one of us "deserves" it more than the other. But, if I HAD to say who deserved it more, I'd only pick myself because I'm the one carrying and giving birth to her. What a tough decision...

 

[Yipee]

I'm not totally sure, but I don't think it matters from a legal standpoint, aside from the flying out of state thing. If you guys split up later, and the dad is on the birth certificate, I think that probably carries more weight than the name she has, as far as custody issues.

If it were me, just as an emotional thing, I'd probably go with a hyphenated name using both parents' last names, because she is part of both of you, and the name says that. Though your names might not go together well, depending what they are.

And I do think it is still more the norm for a baby to take the father's last name, if that matters to you. If I were in your situation, leaving out the father's name entirely would make me feel like I was intentionally cutting him out, but that's just me. I think I'm a bit old-fashioned for my age If the names go well together I would use both though.

 

[angelswings07]

First off, my boyfriend and I currently have a great and healthy relationship. MOST of the time he is a very responsible and reliable person, and I know he will be a fantastic father. Although this pregnancy was unplanned, we are both very excited about having our daughter and talk often about plans for our future together, HOWEVER, he is not ready to marry me, and doesn't know when he ever will be...

I think we might be twins. Or dating the same guy. Or something like that.

I've made the decision that it is his child, and it will inherit his last name. I don't think that he is going to walk out on me, but sometimes you can't foresee the future, and an unplanned pregnancy can be a hell of a strain on a relationship.

I don't know the rules over there, but here in NZ, as long as you are both named on the birth certificate, regardless of who's last name the child has, the mother has stronger legal standpoint than the father should things go wrong.

 

[October2013]

First off, my boyfriend and I currently have a great and healthy relationship. MOST of the time he is a very responsible and reliable person, and I know he will be a fantastic father. Although this pregnancy was unplanned, we are both very excited about having our daughter and talk often about plans for our future together, HOWEVER, he is not ready to marry me, and doesn't know when he ever will be...

I think we might be twins. Or dating the same guy. Or something like that.

I don't think that he is going to walk out on me, but sometimes you can't foresee the future.

Ugh isn't it frustrating?
Even though I can't say for sure that him and I will last, I can confidently and honestly believe that he will always be there for his daughter. So that's good, at least. Just wish he'd commit to ME a little more. He SAYS he wants to be together forever, so why doesn't he want to put a ring on it?

 

[girlnboots]

I'm giving my baby my OH's last name. He has been super supportive throughout the whole pregnancy, even though we were together less than 2 months. He is a fundamentally good person, so even if we break up, I know our baby will be taken care of. He has more than earned for our baby to have his last name, and if he ever does something to change that, i have the option to change the name.

We'd like to be married eventually, but we're just happy being together as we are, so we don't have any plans to do so in the near future.

I think you answered your own question though. If you know he'll always take care of your daughter, bite your pride and give her his name. It's his privilege, not his right, and he sounds like he earned it too.

 

[Foxy37]

Same situation also, we want to get married but can't afford to as yet . I thought about changing my name before baby is here by depole as it really bothers me that me an baby won't have the same name. However I don't want to do it unless I have a ring on my finger grrrrr. It's a tough one ladies xx

 

[Pinkcasi]

Ok i havent read all the replies so apoligies if im being repetitive but hers my take on it.

My partner and I are engaged, we have every intention of getting married in the next few years, however i am reluctant to give this child just her/his fathers name as you just dont know what's going to happen, not that i think we'll split up but then no one ever does, my OH has a son with a previous partner and he has my OH's name, his mum has since remarried and had 2 other kidsthey all have the same name except my stepson, hes out on his own, he was excited when we told him i was expecting as he think's he wont be the only one with that surname anymore. We plan to double barrell then when we get married we can either drom my name or all double barrell.

When my sister had my Neice they double barrelled the surname as they have no intention of getting married, theyre together and happy but just dont want to marry, but my sister said she's half me and half him so it makes sense to have both names.

It's whatever you and your OH are happy with but just remember you (and the child) have to live with it forever, I personally dont like the idea of my child having a different name to me.

 

[AP]

We weren't married at the time but when she was born she got my name. And I stand by that decision for so many reasons. The in laws hated how I done that, but as far as I was concerned, it was easy to change if we got married , but not the other way round.

I had bad PND too, the in laws wanted to take over in so many ways and had she had their surname, I think that wouldnt have helped my mental state!

Indeed we did get married , and all have the same name. It was a special day for us all. And if things were to go tits up, we'd still have the same name.

Some people reckon giving the dads name is traditional - its not - being married before having children was the norm, and therfore it goes without saying they'd have the fathers name.

I do question why people assume a child should have a dads name. A mother is just as important.

 

[JessyG]

I have never liked the fact that my baby will have a different name to me but it was always assumed she would take my OHs. We do intend to get married at some point but who knows when that will be. we are a family regardless it just irks me that we wont have the same name.

That being said i prefer his last name to mine and it goes better with the first names we have chosen. My OH would be utterly shocked and upset if i were to give her my name and realistically being named on the birth cert has a lot more legal standing than a name.

 

[Warby]

I never took my husband's last name. I wanted to, and did, keep my own name. We were married for five years before having our first child.

It never even occured to me that I should be bothered that I don't have the same last name as my children.

All four of my kids have four names: a first name, a middle name, my last name as a second middle name, and their father's last name. So my surname is there on their passports and birth certificates.

It seems so common nowadays for children to have a different last name from one parent.

My brother has a "friend with benefits", and they recently had a baby together. It was completely unplanned and while they are committed to being coparents, they are not a couple and won't be. My nephew has his mother's name which seems entirely appropriate and not something my brother protested.

 

[xjesx]

First off, my boyfriend and I currently have a great and healthy relationship. MOST of the time he is a very responsible and reliable person, and I know he will be a fantastic father. Although this pregnancy was unplanned, we are both very excited about having our daughter and talk often about plans for our future together, HOWEVER, he is not ready to marry me, and doesn't know when he ever will be...

I'm not quite sure how to word this, but are there any downsides to being unmarried and having my baby's last name the same as her father, instead of mine?
We plan on her having his last name when she's born, but since him and I are only boyfriend and girlfriend and not married, is that a bad idea? Especially since he has no plans to marry me anytime soon? I see her as OUR baby, not "mine", but I'm just wondering if it's a stupid thing to do, from a legal standpoint.

Any advice appreciated! Thanks, girls.

I dont think there really is any legal standpoint.

I am married. I do not have my husband's last name and but my baby will. That is ok with me. Our family name is the paternal name, so i get called Mrs.S even though I am Ms.M and it doesnt bother me. Whether you are married or not or have different last names you are still a family.

My brother is not married. Has no plans to marry his common-law wife and I say that because it has been 15 years. His son has his last name. His step son however, has his mother's last name because his father is a dead beat. But that are still a family and the family is referred to using my bro's last name.

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

We weren't married at the time but when she was born she got my name. And I stand by that decision for so many reasons. The in laws hated how I done that, but as far as I was concerned, it was easy to change if we got married , but not the other way round.

I had bad PND too, the in laws wanted to take over in so many ways and had she had their surname, I think that wouldnt have helped my mental state!

Indeed we did get married , and all have the same name. It was a special day for us all. And if things were to go tits up, we'd still have the same name.

Some people reckon giving the dads name is traditional - its not - being married before having children was the norm, and therfore it goes without saying they'd have the fathers name.

I do question why people assume a child should have a dads name. A mother is just as important.

 

[JJKCB]

why did my posts and the ones after it vanish, its gone right back to the one before my post

swear im going insane, another thread I commented on seems to of vanished all together

 

[Mrs.Mcguin]

why did my posts and the ones after it vanish, its gone right back to the one before my post

swear im going insane, another thread I commented on seems to of vanished all together

Hmm I thought I saw you comment on this thread already too but now I don't see it either....maybe I'm thinking of a different thread because these is another one just like this in 3rd trimester...maybe it was that thread?

 

[JJKCB]

no pretty sure it was this one as ive never been in the 3rd trimester section maybe people just hate my advice (although it had a few likes before vanishing)