Just curious about having a different last name from baby...

[Mrs.Mcguin]

no pretty sure it was this one as ive never been in the 3rd trimester section maybe people just hate my advice (although it had a few likes before vanishing)

Nooo don't be silly..it wouldn't be deleted on purpose. You give good advice

 

[vermeil]

I think you answered your own question though. If you know he'll always take care of your daughter, bite your pride and give her his name. It's his privilege, not his right, and he sounds like he earned it too.

I know this is a very personal topic. But i just wanted to mention this type of response really rubs me the wrong way. Why should she bite her pride?? Hes the one who doesn't want to get married. Why would he get 'his priviledge' and not her?? Just trying to understand why he deserves the child to have his name but not her.

I totally understand that if you are in a loving committed relationship, and you think it will last and he will be there for you (and not just the child) then it's'a tough call. Glad to hear he is taking good care of you. It all depends on his reasons for refusing mariage. I still think he's'getting everything he wants and you're getting nothing... Hope that doesnt sound harsh and not trying to make you feel bad.

Perhaps try to think where do you see yourself in 5 years, what would you regret or not

Good luck

 

[JJKCB]

^ it was explained in my post that vanished

 

[girlnboots]

I think you answered your own question though. If you know he'll always take care of your daughter, bite your pride and give her his name. It's his privilege, not his right, and he sounds like he earned it too.

I know this is a very personal topic. But i just wanted to mention this type of response really rubs me the wrong way. Why should she bite her pride?? Hes the one who doesn't want to get married. Why would he get 'his priviledge' and not her?? Just trying to understand why he deserves the child to have his name but not her.

My OH earns his privilege to be called Daddy every single day, and in my opinion, that also earns him the privilege of passing down his name. If at any time, I think he would be less than an amazing father to our baby, I would rip that away in an instant. Just because he was there when the baby was made doesn't mean he automatically gets to pass down his name.

Anyways, I guess I worded that pride bit wrong. As mothers, we carry our babies, birth them, raise them, etc. For the most part, we tend to pick up most of the "physical" work. I think if a man is willing to step up and be a DAD, not just a father, he has earned the privilege (like i said, NOT the right) to have a child have his last name. Just because a man might not want to be with a woman forever, doesn't mean he'll be any less of a wonderful, caring father throughout that child's whole life. It just doesn't seem fair to deny him something as small and as silly as a name just because of the relationship between a man and woman, not the relationship between him and his child. (That's what I meant about the pride bit. Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at a different relationship than your own.)

Last names are truly silly, by the way. They don't mean as much or hold nearly as much weight as they used to in the olden days, so in the end, what the child's last name is will probably have no overall effect on who they are as a person.

Of course, if the man (OR his family, in my experience) ends up being a major scumbag in any way, shape, or form, that's a completely different story.

 

[Proserpina]

I do question why people assume a child should have a dads name. A mother is just as important.

This. For my own part, I despise the patrilineal naming system.

I know a family wherein the couple was married before they had any children, yet they still agreed to alternate last names among the children. So baby #1 had dad's last name, baby #2 had mom's, etc. It's not for everyone but I think it's the coolest thing and I wish I could talk my husband into it.

 

[October2013]

Ayyye, I found my thread! Thank you again for all of the advice, ladies. I finally brought this topic up to my bf, and he reacted poorly, which really pissed me off...
I thought he'd be more understanding to my concern, but he was frustrated that I asked him again when/if we'd be getting married. I personally do not think it's wrong of me to question our future relationship status, but whatever...
So, I'm still undecided about the last name. We have 14 weeks or less before baby is here, so I'm confident we'll have a decision made by then.

When I asked my best friend's advice on this matter, she brought up a very good point; him wanting the baby to have his last name shows his commitment to the baby, which is all I should be asking for. Our relationship, whether it lasts or not, is irrelevant. What's most important is his relationship with his daughter. So, that's something I'll be mulling over. I hate to procrastinate, but I think her name will just have to wait to be decided until the day she is born.

 

[October2013]

no pretty sure it was this one as ive never been in the 3rd trimester section maybe people just hate my advice (although it had a few likes before vanishing)

Nooo don't be silly..it wouldn't be deleted on purpose. You give good advice

I def didn't delete it. This happened to me once, too, when commenting on a name thread.

 

[Dream.dream]

Ayyye, I found my thread! Thank you again for all of the advice, ladies. I finally brought this topic up to my bf, and he reacted poorly, which really pissed me off...
I thought he'd be more understanding to my concern, but he was frustrated that I asked him again when/if we'd be getting married. I personally do not think it's wrong of me to question our future relationship status, but whatever...
So, I'm still undecided about the last name. We have 14 weeks or less before baby is here, so I'm confident we'll have a decision made by then.

When I asked my best friend's advice on this matter, she brought up a very good point; him wanting the baby to have his last name shows his commitment to the baby, which is all I should be asking for. Our relationship, whether it lasts or not, is irrelevant. What's most important is his relationship with his daughter. So, that's something I'll be mulling over. I hate to procrastinate, but I think her name will just have to wait to be decided until the day she is born.

You still have time to think thank goodness we have 9 months to prepare for babies .

I disagree with your friend . My sons dad wanted our son to have his last name too and he's far from committed to our son considering he's never willingly paid hold support or regualrly showed up to visit him . If I'd given my son his dads last name then it to me would be just another reminder , and also he'd have a different name then me and i think it would be odd for me taking him to doctors and schools and having to say no he has a different last name

I think it's actually more a pride thing then a commitment ,

 

[AP]

JJKCB I have checked and there is no record of anything, no posts have been deleted. Sorry Hun, not sure what happened.

Names can be changed easily if you use your name. If you give the fathers name, he has complete control over whether you can change it or not down the line, you need his permission.

I don't think last names are silly. To have used my partners name while I had interfering in laws would have broken me. My baby spent 3 months in hospital, that ruins bonding, so I needed to feel she belonged to me.

There is no way I'd consider a fathers name a commitment. I think that could be a potentially naive belief. I agree-it's a pride thing.(I asked my DH , he agrees too) yes people assumed as dad that his last name was the same as mine, but it was his move to make, he had to get me down the aisle

 

[Dragonfly]

My sons have their dads last name and we arnt married. At the time saved them getting them changed if we did marry but I dont think he will ever ask me to marry him and I probably would refuse as its taken him way to long and I wouldn't force him to it. If he wanted to marry me he would have asked long ago I think. looking back I may have double barrelled the surname of my kids. You can change your name by deed poll though its cheap. I feel a bit odd having different second name to my sons.

 

[lou belle]

This thread has really put me thinking!! Im 23 OH is 25, unmarried, this is my first (and unplaned) pregnancy with my boyfriend of 4.5yrs. I love him very much and we are stable. However, although we often talk about getting married (and have done for many yrs) there's never a timeline of when we would get engaged or married. Iv just always said I'd like to be married and starting a family before I'm 30.

So now I'm pregnant and talk of names comes up. I have sometimes mentioned how baby shouldn't just automatically take his surname. we haven't really discussed it but it is assumed baby will be taking his name. even I have started assuming this for some reason! I just now think why should baby have his surname and not mine? I would prefer my surname and then if we do marry to change to his surname.

If im being honest the big reason I would want to give baby my name is if we split up and I then have more children with other men, I would prefer to have my children all have my surname instead of have a few different surnames. I feel like by giving this baby my surname I am protecting myself in case me and OH split up. I just don't know if that's a good enough/fair reason for insisting on my surname being used though. If he had put a ring on it then I would definitely want baby taking his surname. I really don't want a hyphenated or double-barreled surname and neither does OH, so that convo will be interesting.