Just discovered im pregnant and partner had been cheating with a girl from work

[spongebob2011]

Sorry if this is a long post but about 6 weeks ago i found out that my long term partner as been having an affair with a girl from work and found out that im also pregnant. Im absolutly gutted.

We have 3 children together all under the age of 7. I have suspected for a while that something wasn't right. He was always on facebook on his phone and begame very withdrawn and also stopped having sex with me very often. I know its wrong but i logged into his facebook account when he was at work and clicked on his inbox and read a massive transcript of messages between him and this women. It was pretty obvious what had been going on by some of the messages. When he got home i confronted him and he had the cheek to deny it although the messages said otherwise. After 3 hours of crying and me being angry he finally admitted that he had slept with her and moved in with his mum. He is such a fantastic dad that i never thought he would do anything like this. For the past year or so hes never really shown any love towards me since the birth of our 3rd child 18 months ago. Yet I loved him so much we had been together since i was 16 im now 30.

To cut a long story short i stupidly had sex with him a fortnight ago after he came round to watch the kids whilst i went out for my friends birthday. I really don't know why i did it but it i liked having some attention off him.

Yesterday my period was a day late and its always exactly on time so i went to Tesco and got a test which came back positive.

I really don't know what to do. I thought this was the best place to post for some advice. But i know that my ex would use this as a passport to getting back with me.

Any advice would be appreciated

 

[Mally01]

Sorry that you have had to go through this hun. I know that terrible, painful sinking feeling in your heart when you catch your lover out (happened to me with a bloke many years ago after I read his e-mails). Personally,if it were me I would never allow him into my personal life again only into the children's as he can't be trusted to be faithful. They say you don't appreciate someone until they are gone, I think that's rubbish, you should appreciate them with all your heart when you are with them. Men have a great habit of doing this. They cheat, then once you find out and dump them, reality hits. They can't seem to understand nor realise the future consequences of their actions.Very dumb.

If you can't imagine being without him during the pregnancy, then maybe keep him at arms length and a trial separation until the baby is born. Some people manage to get through an affair and the relationship gets better or they go to counselling etc. Other relationships die a quick death when one partner cheats. Only you know which scenario you have here. Time away from him anyway will help you to have clearer thoughts about what you want to do next.

Big hugs xx

 

[angiepie]

Hey, didn't wanna read and run. I'm afraid I can't give you any advice, but would like to wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[midg08]

Hey hun. So sorry about what you are trying to deal with at the moment.
My advice to you is to tell him right away about being pregnant. Dont keep it from him, make sure he knows that you two are expecting again. I would also be upfront with him about not knowing how to handle the whole deal. I also agree with Mally about keeping him close if you feel that you need him during the pregnancy. Who knows you may find that this baby draws you back together or you may realize that you want nothing to do with him. Also forgiving is very hard when someone has cheated. You will always question what he is doing and if he is being faithful. My DH of 5 years (not my ex) hasn't ever cheated on me and I often find my self question if he is being faithful. Thankfully after 5 years he never has and trust is getting easier but just one person cheating on you makes trust much less.
Hugs!!! Message me if you feel you need to vent more.

 

[Laura2919]

Hi hun.
I am sorry your going through this. I agree with Mally, I wouldnt let him in to my personal life again. He cheated and it wasnt just a mistake. Mistakes arent sleeping with someone else when you have a family at home.
I also know the sinking feeling when you find out what they have been doing. Its happened to me plenty of times with FOB. This time was the last straw, although it wasnt the reason we broke up, since we have split I have found out things and it makes me realise why I am on my own, because I refuse to be treated like rubbish.

Only you can decide what you do from here but taking him back in my opinion wouldnt be the best idea.

 

[Mally01]

I wish sometimes some women who have affairs with married men who have children could spend a day in the shoes of the wife and kids and see how it feels from their perspective. I have never, will never and wouldn't even contemplate getting involved with a married man decieving his wife and children. It's one of the lowest, most disgusting relationships to be in, in my opinion. I don't beleive in all this 'you can't help it if you are in love' trwaddle. If less women went after married men and showed solidarity to their female sisters in the world, men wouldn't get away with half the crap they get up to!

 

[Laura2919]

I wish sometimes some women who have affairs with married men who have children could spend a day in the shoes of the wife and kids and see how it feels from their perspective. I have never, will never and wouldn't even contemplate getting involved with a married man decieving his wife and children. It's one of the lowest, most disgusting relationships to be in, in my opinion. I don't beleive in all this 'you can't help it if you are in love' trwaddle. If less women went after married men and showed solidarity to their female sisters in the world, men wouldn't get away with half the crap they get up to!

I know. FOB's lady friend doesnt have any children, she was also in a relationship which ended just after mine did. Oh coincidence. Lol.

I said to my mum I wonder if she had had children would it of been different.

I was offered out by someone in a relationship. I turned it down. I couldnt do to someone what has happened to me. It was so painful.

 

[jessrabbit]

I have to watch one of these affairs at work everyday and it drives me mad, well the woman does more. I cant stand watching her strut around the office thinking she is the bee's knees.

She was with a married man previously who wouldnt leave his wife for her and so she has moved onto the next victim.

I despise woman who have to validate their existence by ruining someone elses relationship.

It may take too to tango, but she must hate woman to betray us all like that.

Cowbag

 

[spongebob2011]

Thanks for the replies, i do post regular on bandb but my friend also posts and to be honest i don't really want anyone knowing about the pregnancy just yet so i set up a new account.

I love him but hate him at the same time. The day i read those messages my whole world came crashing down. The stuff he was saying to his work collegue broke my heart, how beautifull she was etc. If he changed his shift at work could he go round to her house 'for a cuddle' because i would just think hes working late. In the past year not once as he told me i was attractive or beautifull. Words can not describe how i felt when i read the facebook messages i really had no idea that he was having an affair. The job hes in is the type where your supposed to be a respectable member of public but affairs are rife in the job. Women also throw themselves at the men because of the job role hes in and hes always called men who use the job to meet women. The other women also has a boyfriend but no children but it was a big secret because her boyfriend is quite high up in the job. Im shocked that she sent us a card last year congratulating us on the birth of our son and a few months later shes sleeping with his dad.

The worst thing is when you think you know someone and realise you never really known them at all. When i found out you could tell he was gutted and said he realised now that hes lost me what a fantastic person i am etc, and he wants to die if he can't spend his life with me and the kids. Well he should have thought about that when he was going round to hers for sex. He didn't think i was going to find out because the facebook messages were hidden under 'archived' messages.

If someone said to me 3 months ago that i was going to be a single mum of 3 kids because my OH had been having an affair i would have been shocked. The moment i found out i knew that he had to move out i just could't live with him and could never be with him again.

I went out with my friends about 2 weeks ago for the first time in years and had a few to many. When i got home he kissed me and i ended up sleeping with him. He stayed to look after the kids because i wasn't really up to looking after them. He left the following day back to his mums. I was on the BCP but wasn't taking it as strictly as i should because i no longer was in a relationship.

Im really questioning the type of person i am. What kind of person sleeps with someone whos hurt you so much? I can't believe i did it but it made me feel close to him again. Im stupid and now found myself pregnant again. What are people going to think of me?

I really don't know how to tell him. Hes having the kids tonight so i don't know whether to just tell him or texting him might be easier. I can't be doing with him begging me to take him back though. I will never live with him again. I gave up my career and dedicated myself to my children so he could have his and this is how i got repaid. I don't think i could have a termination, is that really selfish of me when i have a man who wants to be part of my life but im refusing him too?

Im so lost i can't speak to anyone about the pregnancy yet. Sorry for the vent.

 

[Laura2919]

Love isnt something that disappears straightaway because someone has hurt you, in fact love makes the pain worse. You was a loving, faithful partner who raised his children, he was the one who cheated on you so you shouldnt feel like your a bad person at all.

If you know that it is 100% what you want then just tell him to his face, we are over. You did what you did and I can never forgive you for that.

Someone who has never been cheated on when they are in love wouldnt understand how it can destroy a person. It makes you feel like your not good enough, you did something wrong, you need to improve things about yourself, you need to pretend your ok because you dont want people feeling 'sorry' for you.


You said: is that really selfish of me when i have a man who wants to be part of my life but im refusing him too?

If he really wanted to be a part of your life and is really sorry why did he do it in the first place. It didnt happen once, it wasnt a mistake, he used to go round to hers for cuddles and he used to send her messages saying she was beautiful. All while he had you and his children at home.
I dont think your selfish, he deserves to be without you and you deserve better than him.

 

[jessrabbit]

Totally agree ^^

 

[davidjoemum]

im really sorry it has happened to my friend she just found out today exactly the same story like yours but she is 6 months pregnant with her 1st.

do whatever your heart desire but u have to know one thing once cheater always cheater and u dont want your baby boy to believe that is OK to do it to woman hes with or your baby girl that is ok to let your men doing dirty behind her back.
when it comes to this pregnancy i would keep it this baby want to live too like his/her siblings

tell him that you pregnant he need to deal with consequences sleeping with you after all you still his wife what if he make baby to this other slut?you are still his wife hun dont give up on baby ,but with him f......k him!!!!he dont deserve you and you are not his doormat!!!!!!you dont want to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!get him to pay child maintenance

it isn't one night stand fling you said its been going on for some time according to this message.

did you confront that girl too? i think you should just to embarrass him.


im 100% with you im sending you my hugs((((((()))))))))))