Just dont know the best way to deal with this situation....please help!

[Bee26]

Hi girls,
Well I havent been on this site for nearly 2 years but the support i got when i was pregnant from the girls on here was amazing...so i figured id turn to you all again!
So my son is 2, his dad and i split up 8 months ago. We are fairly amicable but split becuase he was just going out getting wrecked all the time and i felt it would be easier to actually BE a single mum, seeing as i was living like one anyway.
So generally hes now a pretty good dad, sees him nearly every day, even if just for an hour and had a great bond with our son. But over the last 6 months there have been 5 occurances where he has let us down, due to going out, getting off his face and either still being in no state that i would EVER leave my child in his care, or got so wrecked that he hasnt set his alarm and has been uncontactable and asleep. The 6th occurance happened yesterday and i went to his house to find him fully clothed on his bed, and when i woke him he became abusive and didnt even know where he was.
I got angry, and for the first time told him that he would only have contact with our son once every 3 weeks when i would take our son to his mums on the friday, pick him up on the monday and that if he wanted to see him he would have to make his way there to do so. Im so sick of him letting us down - i dont want my son to be the little boy staring out of the window waiting for a dad that doesnt turn up. I also keep letting people down because i cant fulfil my commitments as i then have my son to consider.
He says sorry, but ive heard it all before. He has always been a waster - been in and out of prison, drinks too much, dabbles in class a's. I on the other hand, and im not disrespecting his upbringing, come from a very different background - with a good career path, never been in trouble and am a professional woman. My pregnancy was unplanned and as we had got ourselves in the situation of expecting a child we agreed to give it a try at the time.
I just dont know what to do to make him understand this isnt acceptable behaviour and he cant just not turn up whenever he feels like it - but he wont take responsibility and says im a bad mother if i stop our son seeing his dad etc - its always someone elses fault, and never his.
I guess i just need some advice on how to deal with this - all i want is whats best for my son x

 

[cherry_pie]

Hi there, it sounds a tough situation that you are doing your best to handle and trying to maintain a good relationship with FOB despite his behaviour. I have no experience of this kind of situation, however I am trying to consider what I would do if it were me. I would probably give him a few days to cool off and then ask to meet him for a chat (without your son there). That way you can discuss all the things you are worried about, which I think are all very valid points and he's bound to understand where you are coming from. Tell him what you have told us, that you want him in your sons life but you are not prepared to let him be a poor role model and to let your son down time and time again, and how his unreliability is impacting on your life because you can't meet your own commitments due to him letting you and your son down.

What about if you had set days for him to see your son? I felt my ex husband was letting us down too often if he was able to come and go and see our son whenever he pleased so therefore I wanted set days which actually seemed to have helped. Maybe if he knows he only gets to see him on X day/s a week he will look forward to it more and behave himself rather than thinking he can see him any time he wants and lets his plans (gettign wrecked) come first. Explain you will give it one more shot and if he lets you down again you will consider going through the courts. This is something I really would not want to do myself but it may be something you need to consider if he is not willing to grow up and accept his responsibilities.

Am thinking of you,
xxx