Just emigrated - and not looking forward to baby...

[Luzelle]

In the beginning of the pregnancy I felt so excited. As time went by (and with little interest shown by my dh), the excitement has gone away. Now I just don't look forward to it at all. I dread it...
I don't dread the birth - can't do anything to change it so why worry.
I dread having somebody so dependent on me.
I am afraid of not coping - my whole support structure is, since 5 days ago, in a different country.
I am afraid of not loving my baby....

I feel so awful. I always, always thought that I would like pregnancy and be fascinated by the process. I am fascinated by the biology of it, yes. But I don't like the changes to my body. These huge breasts, brown nipples, stripey stomach and stretch marks that are starting to appear. It feels like my body isn't my own anymore. I've never been this fat, ever. I am picking up weight wayyy too fast and can't do a damn thing about it.

The reason I am posting this in 3rd tri and not 2nd, where I still am, is that I don't want the ladies over there to have to read this - I figured there would be more people in 3rd trim that could give advice or associate with these feelings...
Please, does anybody have some advice? I feel horrid, feeling like this. I do love the baby, of course, he never had a say in all of this. He is growing well and I am glad about it - but I don't know if I am ready to be his mommy...

 

[NetsaBaba]

In the beginning of the pregnancy I felt so excited. As time went by (and with little interest shown by my dh), the excitement has gone away. Now I just don't look forward to it at all. I dread it...
I don't dread the birth - can't do anything to change it so why worry.
I dread having somebody so dependent on me.
I am afraid of not coping - my whole support structure is, since 5 days ago, in a different country.
I am afraid of not loving my baby....

I feel so awful. I always, always thought that I would like pregnancy and be fascinated by the process. I am fascinated by the biology of it, yes. But I don't like the changes to my body. These huge breasts, brown nipples, stripey stomach and stretch marks that are starting to appear. It feels like my body isn't my own anymore. I've never been this fat, ever. I am picking up weight wayyy too fast and can't do a damn thing about it.

The reason I am posting this in 3rd tri and not 2nd, where I still am, is that I don't want the ladies over there to have to read this - I figured there would be more people in 3rd trim that could give advice or associate with these feelings...
Please, does anybody have some advice? I feel horrid, feeling like this. I do love the baby, of course, he never had a say in all of this. He is growing well and I am glad about it - but I don't know if I am ready to be his mommy...

Listen hun at the end of the day you and your DH have created another life, and although i compeltely understand these feelings and this period you are going through as you said 'I do love the baby, of course, he never had a say in all of this.'
- Lets try and think of it from LOs perspective, he has this hudge world and long life ahead of him and he will much prefer it with you there, just because you are having a baby doesnt mean its the end of your LIFE!
If you can bring a life into the world you can get yours back on track!
Its our role as parents to guide our LOs through their life which they have not yet had any experience in, you've been alive for a while now and youve been through many ups and downs as everyone does so its easier for you to get yours back on tract than a baby who knows nothing of bad people or good people and he will be much more greatful that his mummy helped him with this than having to constantly strugle and fight and having to find everything out his self.

As i said this isnt the end of your life its a new chapter one with your beautifull boy and whoever else you include in it. And it will be just as good as the last, just different. But change isnt bad it builds character and molds a new and improved us.

So try and cheer up for your little lads sake

 

[November1984]

I just came to Canada not long ago from the USA. I have never been so stressed out! I know Canada and the USA is quite similar in many ways but even the small things are making it harsh.
I know how you feel and I really did feel like I owned my own body again after the birth of my son. I felt more insecure (got a breast reduction even) but better. I gained a lot of weight with my first and it took just until I got pregnant this time to get back.
Now that I am pregnant again I am feeling like my body is everyone else's temple again. Don't have sex with my OH even partly because of this feeling. I am depressed somewhat and have a load of anxiety.

Don't read into these feelings too deeply and worry if you will love your child or not. This is all normal and will start to dissolve away after your little boy is born.

 

[aliss]

Hugs. I was there too. It's a scary place.

The truth- a lot of "good moms" did not plan their baby, did plan their baby but regretted it, have no support, are depressed, etc.

Part of being 24 weeks (and viable!) is that it sort of hits you that this is real and there's no going back, so emotions can get pretty overwhelming. You emigrated 5 days ago correct? That's hard too. Even if everyone speaks your language, you will get hit with a cultural shock. My only advice is to build your support network now - go to prenatal classes/fitness, baby/mom groups, lactation groups if you plan to BF. New moms love to help out new moms. Stay on BnB. Have you told OH how you feel??

And if you get post-partum depression (which it sounds like you could be at a higher risk for), please let a health professional know and they can help you. Let your doctor know your fears about it and to just be aware of what you are going through.

Sometimes I get worried thinking that I have a "dependent" for the rest of my life, but I try to think of it this way- I'll have some little guy that will give me hugs, will come to me for help when he needs it, I get to dress him up in a tux one day for his wedding, and be there to help him with his future babies. And hey, hopefully he'll be at my bedside when my time is up. That's a nice feeling eh?

 

[Aus_Amy]

Think of the friends your going to make with LO.. The new people that you can become friends with.. It must be hard moving from your support network, but think of the support network you can build now before LO is born.. Don't dwell on what you can't think of the positive.. It is hard..

 

[mama.bear]

massive hun
sounds like a mixture of natural uncertainty, some homesickness, overwhelm, and lack of confidence in yourself! just remember, that your LO would never have chosen you to the the BEST MUM possible for him if you weren't! you'll do just fine and you will fall in love with him, and will be amazed at what you (and OH) created and how miraculous that really is
from what i gathered, you've been thru a hectic stressful time and need to do some relaxing to get back to your center/heart and remember how special you are!
all the physical things that happen to us in pregnancy are for good reasons, to help grow that LO into a strong healthy babe.... you are not your body and it needs to do the things it's doing to keep that nest cozy and safe and healthy for your LO, trust the process hun x
it's not always easy and isn't always fun, but it's worth it in the end, and maybe even tomorrow you'll find some light in your situation.... you're not alone, things will get better! try some nice long deep breathing, breathing into and from your babe's home deep in your belly, breathe in peace and contentment and try to connect to that precious life inside of you and let go of all the worries and thoughts and fears... just breathe! it will be ok x

 

[JynxPhD]

I felt disconnected during my pregnancy with my daughter too. I even told my husband I didn't think I would love her. It took me a couple months after she was born until I really bonded with her and then I fell in love with her. I'm now currently pregnant with twins and I feel very similar. I know I can't do anything about it. I will love these two when they are here.

It is very daunting to think that you will have this tiny helpless creature completely dependent on you. It can be overwhelming at first but you soon adjust. A few questions: are you going to nurse? Are you planning on being a SAHM? I ask because those two things contributed to me developing post partum depression. I nursed constantly so I never got a break away from baby for the first 9 months! Seriously, she never got a bottle at home. 24 hours a day it was all me taking care of her. Also I stayed home for the first few months to be a SAHM which was a huge mistake for me. I can't do it, I need a purpose outside the home.

I'm not randomly telling you these things. I felt similar to you before she was born and I had a hard time coping after for those reasons. It's just something to think about. Maybe it won't be so scary having something so dependent on you if you know that you will be going back to work at a set time or something.

As for support system I don't know. Both our families live in our town but we don't have anything to do with them. So essentially we were on our own too. They could have been in a different country and it wouldn't of mattered.

You can do this and you will love your baby. Don't worry too much. It might help if you go ahead and set up an appointment with a counselor for now or after the birth to help you cope. My husband is already planning on me doing so after these monsters are here since I had such bad PPD after my daughter.

Sorry for typos- I'm on my phone.

 

[aliss]

Don't forget too for a baby- Your face is Picasso, your voice is Mozart. It's not just your love for him - he will have unconditional love for you, even through thick & thin.

 

[mama.bear]

Hugs. I was there too. It's a scary place.

The truth- a lot of "good moms" did not plan their baby, did plan their baby but regretted it, have no support, are depressed, etc.

Part of being 24 weeks (and viable!) is that it sort of hits you that this is real and there's no going back, so emotions can get pretty overwhelming. You emigrated 5 days ago correct? That's hard too. Even if everyone speaks your language, you will get hit with a cultural shock. My only advice is to build your support network now - go to prenatal classes/fitness, baby/mom groups, lactation groups if you plan to BF. New moms love to help out new moms. Stay on BnB. Have you told OH how you feel??

And if you get post-partum depression (which it sounds like you could be at a higher risk for), please let a health professional know and they can help you. Let your doctor know your fears about it and to just be aware of what you are going through.

Sometimes I get worried thinking that I have a "dependent" for the rest of my life, but I try to think of it this way- I'll have some little guy that will give me hugs, will come to me for help when he needs it, I get to dress him up in a tux one day for his wedding, and be there to help him with his future babies. And hey, hopefully he'll be at my bedside when my time is up. That's a nice feeling eh?

aw i loved reading that
thank you for that perspective

 

[Murphy98]

I think those are very honest feelings and I'm glad you had a place to share them.

I may have planned for this child, love this child, be excited about him and so forth, but I still also worry about a million things associated with this lifestyle change - that is just truthfulness.

Wanted to send you a long-distance

I trust in the universe that we will make things work - maybe better than we even hoped!

 

[PrayinForBaby]

Aww! Don't be so sad! It is very scary knowing that this little person depends on you for everything, but you're little baby will bring you soo much joy into your life that you can't even imagine! Just remember, you will be your baby's tour guide to the world! Enjoy it!!

 

[Luzelle]

Thanks everybody for all your replies. Its been a help to be able to vent my feelings and not be judged. My husband is not very involved at all in the pregnancy, in fact it was not planned at all. The arrival of this baby has brought so many changes already to our lives - we were only planning to emigrate in a couple of years' time and the pregnancy really threw our plans out of wack.
I am planning to breastfeed, and appreciate that it is the best nutrition for baby, but I must admit that I do resent the fact that it will be my sole responsibility if I breastfeed. My husband is very unsympathetic, and I think that giving him a good share of the responsibility would do him a world of good.
I was working up until a couple of months ago and really enjoyed the financial freedom and the emotional freedom... Everybody keeps telling me how important it is to stay with the baby but I don't think it will be the right thing for me in the long term.
Right now we are staying with friends and will be doing so until my husband finds work. I went to find out how the pregnancy care works and got an appointment with a GP who will refer me to the midwifery practice. To be honest, I did suffer from depression in the past and am very afraid of getting PND after the birth.
I know I might come across as being distant and uncaring, but this really isn't the truth. I am a caring, loving person, forever busy raising my newest orphan animal and really enjoying it. Never in my life would I have guessed that I would feel like this. Never. But I do. And I will definately find out from the GP or midwife about support groups, before I go totally down the drain of depression again. ATM, I have to get my new drivers license and a car before being able to drive myself around again.
The move, at this time of my life, has really messed up a lot of stuff for me. The timing of everything is just off.

 

[lushious09]

Its commen to have these feelings hun and totaly normal... your lifes about to change but its gonna be in such an amazing way... its like my midwife said once your babys born your maternal instinct just kicks in and you just know what to do and you cope theres single mums out there hun young ones at that and they manage so i really wouldnt worry x

 

[blondee]

Hi Luzelle,

I think i understand..... I had a good job in the UK, was financially independent and enjoyed the challenge of my job. I had a GREAT circle of friends and was constantly busy. I loved the house we had bought and the town we were living in. Then in November... we gave it all up and moved to the West Indies for my husband's job.

The island is just beautiful and the people are very welcoming on the whole, but the culture is quite different, the heat is currently unbearable, the supermarkets are dire (so my dreams of being a domestic goddess are not being fulfilled as the food is limited and not great quality) and most of all - i miss my job. I miss the routine, the social contact and just generally using my brain. It can be very tough.

I got pregnant in Feb so it feels like i have been pregnant the whole time i've been here!

I am actually really looking forward to having the baby as i am pretty clucky now (hormones are def kicking in now!) plus, it will suddenly fill my days (oh boy, will he?!) and i will be doing the most important and challenging job of my life. I won't have to worry about returning to work, so i can just enjoy being with my LO. That's pretty lucky, isn't it? There's no way that'd have been the case at home.

Yes, i am PETRIFIED of not having my family here to support me and give me the odd hour off to pop to the shops or go get my hair done. Buuut, here it is dirt cheap to have a Nanny or to put a child in a nursery. So, we have already discussed getting a few hours cover/respite per week in the new year (even though i am pretty scared about leaving my bubbs with someone who's not family). You have to be honest and say you cannot do this alone - i think i would go mad. I have one friend with two young children who gets zero help and it is affecting her marriage now, i think she is just generally unhappy and a bit lost. So, if i was you then i would look in to the option of a little day care when baby is 3 months+ or a nice baby sitter so you and DH can get out for a meal once in a while. Again - totally different to home as you would have doting grandparents itching to come round and look after LO.

Another thing - i had imagined that i would fit in easily have lots of West Indian friends, but to be honest, i have found that fellow ex-pats are much more interested in being friends as they are in the exact same situation. Here, 'spouses' are not eligible for work permits (quite rightly to keep jobs for locals) so i now have a fabulous group of friends from Ireland, UK, South America, Denmark and the US. They all already have children and have been amazingly helpful giving me lots of bits and bobs for the baby and i know that i can depend on them to pop round and help me every now and then.

So, i say ignore your inhibitions and GET OUT and meet people. My hubbie shocked me at first by setting me up on blind dates with the wives of men he was meeting thorugh work!! You know what? They are just lovely and feeling the exact same woes and joys that i am! Through those ladies i met other ladies and i never turned down an invite for a coffee - so i got to meet even more ladies! My group of friends' ages range from 50's to 30, so we are quite diverse (i am 33). We only meet up for a coffee once or twice a week, but we call each other, text and email too. Every now and then we treat ourselves to lunch or a day at the pool and it is so much fun. They all miss home too and are frustrated by certain aspects of island life, but mainly we share the good points!

Am i going on? Sorry. I just want you to know that emigrating is really tough, but if you stick your neck out and try to make friends then you will be amazed at how much easier life is.

If you wanna PM me, then please do. You're not alone and yes, your life will change - but it will be for the better so try to embrace the changes rather than be scared of them.

Keep your chin up, babe. It will all work out well and you will be happy - i promise.

Oh one last thing - btw - get a breast pump! I am! I have already told DH that i will not be doing 100% of feeds (i have seen friends on the edge after breast feeding alone for weeks) and that i think he should do maybe 1 feed a day. He is actually looking forward to the bonding time now and he is pleased as he thinks it might mean that baby will get breast milk a bit longer. Plus, i am not too keen on the idea of breast feeding in public yet, so it could come in handy for that too!

Sorry for the epic response

Take care and keep in touch.

Michelle X

 

[MrsNovBaby]

There have been some really lovely replies, I did not want to read and run, but could not think of anything, but then read through the replies and it really made me think about the support we give each other here. Good luck Luzelle, I can't think of anything that anyone else has not written

Ladies, you are fab xx

 

[cdj1]

I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is very normal. You obviously care about how you feel or you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of posting it on this forum. I can tell by your post that you really do want to love the pregnancy and baby but you are just being honest about your feelings and that take a a lot of guts to admit those kind of feelings!!

I just wanted to say I feel the same way as you about being pregnant. I am quite sure that the lack of interest your DH is showing is not helping the situation. I too was hoping for a different feeling about pregnancy. I have wanted to be pregnant since I was 20 (am 33 now) and at first it was wonderful and I looked great up until about 6 months when I started to show properly...then it got to about 7 months and I noticed in the mirror one day that I looked....well.....hideous frankly! The massive boobs with stretch marks under them...the swollen belly, the fat tree trunk legs and massive bum...I hate it all.

I am betting there are a 100 women on here who feel like you do, and as for worrying you wont love your baby, truth is it might not happen overnight! Or you might surprise yourself...who knows.

Sending lots of love and support xxx

 

[debsbaby]

You certainly do have a lot to deal with right now! Don't try to belittle the changes. Being pregnant/having a baby is a stressful as the death of a spouse! This is a known fact. Moving (and I'd say immigrating is like moving on steroids!) is ANOTHER huge stressor. These things can plunge you into depression.

If you are not able to talk about this with your husband, please talk about it with a professional who can help you find ways to cope that are healthy.

You will get your body back! I had three children in less than 4 years and people have always been amazed at my shape (well, until now...I will have to just wait and get it back again after this baby). It takes a few months, but it will come! Also, don't let the impending arrival of your baby make you nearsighted. You will not always be so depended on. I know! My older 3 kids are now 12, 14 and 16. As I type this, they are all off doing stuff with friends. This is the way it has been for several years now and I can't even begin to tell you how fast the time has flown! Where did my babies go????
You will experience this, too.

All of that is not said to trivialize your feelings. When I was pregnant with my first, I was SOOOO sick and very depressed. (her father left me for another woman for nearly 4 months during my pregnancy). I remember telling my (now ex) mother-in-law that I was afraid I'd resent my daughter when she was born due to how awful the pregnancy had been. She assured me I'd fall madly in love with her. That little girl is now 16, and my mother in law was SOOO right!

So, many hugs to you, and please find someone you can talk to for support...and try to remember that this is really a short phase of your life, and it will soon be over. Pregnancy has absolutely no rewards (until the end). At least when baby is born, when you take care of him, you get the rush of love that comes when he stares into your eyes, or smiles at you. During pregnancy, all you get is heartburn!

 

[Kellycool]

Shame hun.
I see you moved from SA to Aus? I am South African too, have been living in the UK for 3 years and had our first baby 2 years ago without ANY support system as my hubby is South African too so I can sympathise. It is such a horrid feeling but I PROMISE you, when your LO arrives you will see everything falls into place and nothing else seems to matter.
In fact, I have loved having my LO all to ourselves. I had to give up work too and sometimes it is difficult but then I see the relationship my son and I have and my hubby comments on how beautiful it is to watch how close we are . Your baby will fill you with so much love and joy!
We are actually moving back to SA like 10 days after this babbas due date and as much as I am so excited, i am kinda always thinking about how I am going to have to share my family with friends and family again. Sounds crazy I know but we have become so close and such a team as we realised we only have each other over here you know. Perhaps chat to your OH, tell him how you feel.
Hope that helps, was a bit of a babble.. I am sure you will make loads of friends soon as well so try be proactive which you clearly are by acknowledging your feelings on here instead of letting them swollow you up
xxx