"Just get over it already"

[BrandiCanucks]

Why do people feel the need to tell you to get over it and be happy when you've had your baby?

I had a very traumatic delivery and my son almost died. I feel like talking about it helps me to cope and process. Going through what happened, step by step, helps me to understand why it was necessary and helps me to heal from it emotionally.

I'm struggling a lot with what happened, as I had three perfect vaginal deliveries, and then an emergency c-section with my 5 day old. Every time I try and talk to my mom or a friend, or bring it up on a forum, though, I get "But your son is here and he's alive. Just be happy" or "He's fine. Stop dwelling".

Why do people feel the need to say stupid things like this?

 

[JoJoB]

Not what you want hear. Probably the worst thing to say to you. How are you coping?

 

[sbl]

sorry to hear people are not being so supportive.
I kind of understand.
I almost died during pregnancy on two occasions from organ failure/seizure/pneumothorax due to hyperemesis.
I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder because of it.
At first I was in complete denial that it even happened. Then after lo was born I couldn't stop talking about it/asking questions to people who were there as I was out of it.
I don't want to jump the gun but perhaps you too have ptsd?
Its very common after such a difficult birth hun.
Maybe you could talk to someone who does understand? Xx

 

[tristansmum]

Unless you have been through it you can't relate. They think they are being helpful. Yes the most important thing is he is healthy but it's not the only important thing. Your feelings matter too. I found taking about my first labour helped too. For me it got easier in time. X

 

[BrandiCanucks]

I bawled my eyes out this morning while watching OBEM. Watching these women get to have their vaginal births and immediately bond with their babies, made me feel like my pregnancy wasn't over yet, because I'm still waiting for THAT to happen. Then it occurred to me that Asher IS here, and we HAVE bonded, and thus flooded back the trauma we went through for him to be here, and how he almost died, and my strength turned into weakness, as I began to feel like I failed him. My body failed him. I failed to bring him here safely, and it took someone putting me to sleep, completely incapacitating me, and physically cutting him from my body to bring him here alive...and I wonder how I deserve to be Mom to this beautiful little boy?

 

[cncem]

Because they are insensitive a**holes (sorry for calling your mom that) who have never been through what you went through and therefore will never understand. Maybe they believe they are helping you by giving tough love and saying "get over it". I know you had a traumatic experience, would it help to talk to a counselor about it? You can't just bottle it up and hold it all inside. I hope everything is ok for you, besides these people. You can talk about it on here all you want, I think people should be aware of things like what is done during a cord prolapse or when polyhydramnios is suspected or detected on ultrasound.

 

[loopylj]

Sorry people aren't been very supportive. Hope you are ok. I've just read your birth story and cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. My first labour was rough and like you I found talking about it helped.

As others have said talk about it all you want on here.... You can't keep it bottled up.
Hugs.... Asher is very cute btw xxx

 

[Krissykat1006]

I just read your story.

And I can completely understand why you want to talk about it. A lot of times when we go through something traumatic the only way we can cope and heal from what happened is to talk about it, for someone to listen....just the need to be heard. No one should be telling you to get over it. Yes he is here and he is healthy and that is something positive to focus on, but you are dealing with it mentally and you also have to get healthy, and talking about is what is helping you. If no one there will listen to you then you pour your heart out as much as you want here, or do a few therapy sessions! I am so glad that everything turned out good with Asher, and I'm sorry you weren't able to have the delivery you had envisioned. Life sometime deals us a rough set of cards and all we can do is play the hand we've been dealt. So talk about whatever you want here, we are here to listen and give you support.

 

[JessesGirl29]

Ugh I'm so sorry that's happening

I had a 'normal birth' and still felt compulsive to discuss it. I had feelings of shame for weeks about things I'd said and how I thought I didn't do a good job. Only time made that better.

You've had something so traumatic happen, you have newborn and three other children and your body is about to enter the weepy phase as hormones change....you should really try to reach out for some counselling to help you process such a major event....

My work had phone, text and email counselling through Employee Assistance Program I took advantage of.

 

[BrandiCanucks]

Well, the midwife came by this afternoon and took out the staples. I brought up my feelings and she's going to connect me with a local doula who provides birth trauma counselling.

 

[Fleur29]

I completely agree with all the pp - going through what you went through is going to take time to get over. I'm so glad you are getting help and support from your Mw, really hope it helps, I'm sure it will.

Take care xxxx

 

[Krissykat1006]

Well, the midwife came by this afternoon and took out the staples. I brought up my feelings and she's going to connect me with a local doula who provides birth trauma counselling.

That's wonderful

 

[Maxy1]

It took me 6 odd weeks to 'get over' the birth of my second LO and it didn't end up in a c-section like yours. dh and i talked about it frequently in those weeks and how traumatised we both were by it. I just wanted to let you know that there are ppl that feel similarly to you. I am very glad to hear you will get to talk to someone about it.

 

[mara16jade]

Holy hell! I just read your birth story.

Talk about it all you need to. You went through something incredibly traumatizing and painful.

I'm so glad your baby is safe and sound, but very sorry you had to go through all that.

 

[tristansmum]

I just read your birth story too. Wow I can't believe anyone would tell you to get over it! Also you didn't fail him.... You saved him! As you said you trusted your instinct, and went to hospital! We don't have control over how our babies choose to come. You could never have prevented excess fluid or a cord prolapse. But you made sure you were in the right place. X

 

[AP]

You did not fail that wee man. And yes, you do need to let it out, it's part of the healing. Heck, I think me and hubby didn't shut up for months and months. It was horrible, piecing it altogether.

I'm glad a doula has been offered, and remember, this is what this forum is here for top

 

[baileybubs]

I agree with everyone else Hun and it is so frustrating when people expect you to just forget it and move on. Of course you are happy that he is here and safe but that doesn't stop you feeling traumatised and bad about how he got here.
But I need to emphasise this point - you did not fail him! You trusted your instincts when you needed to and you fought to be seen as you knew something wasn't right Brandi and if you hadn't done that he may not have been here now. That is not failing him at all sweetie.
I'm glad you have been referred to that doula because it does really help to talk about it. After my EMCS last year and even after my ds's forceps delivery this time I am still wanting to talk and hate getting the brush off from people, so it's no wonder you want to talk about it and work through it Hun, I hope it helps. Maybe try telling your family and friends how you feel about this. I ended up snapping at my df because he said "you'll be ok Hun just give it time" when I was trying to talk about it and how I was in pain so much and I told him that I am allowed to feel sad about it and need him to just listen and comfort me, since then he's been great.

Big hugs Hun I hope you get chance to work through it but please please don't feel like you failed Asher at all xxxx

 

[BrandiCanucks]

So it turns out the doula does not offer birth trauma counselling. She has been through a traumatic birth herself but doesn't offer the counselling. I'm still searching for someone who specializes in it, or even PTSD counselling.

Asher has been back in NICU twice since his birth. He's having such a rough start. It's tough being away from my other kids, but I know Asher is in the right place.

 

[baileybubs]

Aw Hun I'm sorry to hear that, I hope he gets better soon and you can all be at hike together as a family.

I hope you find someone who does offer counselling. Have you managed to talk to anyone about it since or has it just been too hectic?

 

[bettybee1]

Hope you can find the right person too talk too !

In the uk things like counselling are supposed too be easier too access !
But I had my de brief from traumatic birth and she was rubbish and said she can't help !
I'd started too feel better up until that point now I feel upset again!


It's normal too be upset Hun and want too talk about it I was having panic attacks for 3 weeks after ! And they have finally stopped