Just had a D&C, not sure if I want to try again...

[meemee]

I guess I'm just after some guidance at the moment, or if anyone has been in a similar situation?
We had our first child in 2010, great pregnancy, perfect birth. Then in 2011 we had a miscarriage in both August and November, both natural at about 6 and a half weeks. We conceived straight after the miscarriage and had a beautiful little boy in September 2012. After that we decided that wasit for us, we were totally content with our little family of 4 and were happy to keep it that way
Then in March we found out (incredibly unexpectedly) that we were pregnant again. At first it was a hell of a shock and then we started to get really excited and I absolutely fell in love with the idea of our little surprise baby. Unfortunately it wasn't to be and at the 12 week scan we found out that our precious baby had passed away at 9 weeks. We had to wait 6 days between finding out and getting the d&c and it was the worst experience of my entire life, I was just wrecked with grief. In comparison the d&c was a breeze, I actually feel great now that it's over, still missing what could have been but feeling closure
But what I'm totally unsure of is if I actually want to try for another baby or not after this one, I keep going backwards and forwards between wanting my baby back and just still really enjoying the 2 gorgeous children I have. Has anyone else been in a similar position? If so, what did you decide? Or do you have any advice?

 

[IsaacRalph]

I am in an almost exact situation as you meeeee I have 2 ds's a 4 year old and 9 month old. So sorry you have had to go through this, it's so unfair! Had DS1 after a miscarriage but went on to have him fine no problems. Then had a spell of infertilty about 2 and a half years and had treatment to concieve DS2 which resulted in twins and we lost one at 9 weeks was devastated. As a result of our infertilty I never went back on the birth control assuming it wasn't possible. I was wrong and found out we also was expecting again in April. We were shocked but thrilled that we could get pregnant again and although our youngest ds is still a baby we welcomed the thought of another. Well it all ended yesterday and I had a d&c also which I also found suprisingly ok after having a natural miscarriage which hurt so bad! I just have a little bloating and light spotting today. I am gutted but I knew for the last 2 weeks things weren't developing and it never got past the gestational sac and yolk sac stage there was never an embyro which makes its slightly more easier. It has put me off though and will be going on Bcp for several months to regain some perspective and allow myself to recover. I might not ever decide I can go through this again as I seem to have a higher miscarriage rate than most. How old are you??

 

[meemee]

So sorry for your loss as well, it's such a horrible thing to go through!
I just can't at all figure out what I want, my oldest child is just over 5 years old and I think the gap is just becoming too big and if we were to have another then asap would be best, I don't want to decide not to have another and then in a years time decide that actually we do want a third baby because for me that's too big of a gap between our children... I'm only 26 but I loved the thought that once we were just turning 40, that the kids would both be older and starting their own lives and we'd still be young. It's such a hard decision to make! On an emotional level, I just want my baby back, I don't want to make a choice, it was made for us when it happened so unexpectedly and that felt like fate but now I just don't know

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I too am in the same boat. I've had two live births. My first pregnancy was text book. The delivery was a little difficult but that was because my DD was almost 9 lbs. and I was pushing for 2 hours before I was able to finally hold her in my arms. My son was a different story. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidum and was horribly sick until 16 weeks. Then he ended up being born almost a month premature. Later he was discovered to have a rare birth defect and needed surgery at 4 months old to repair it. I was very undecided after giving birth to start trying again. We were kind of doing a not trying, not preventing type deal. I ended up becoming pregnant twice since his birth and ended up losing both babies, the last was in February. I was so scared to try again after two back-to-back losses. I kept wondering if it would just end up in MC again because I eventually want more live babies than angel babies. We are currently TTC again. This will be my fifth pregnancy, third child if it is born.

 

[momwithbabies]

Meemee: I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can totally relate. We have a son who is almost 10 and my daughter is 7. We had been trying for baby #3 since my daughter was 2. Being such a long span of time, we tried on and off until this last March when, out of the blue, I got a BFP. We were shocked, but over the moon to add to our family. We told our kids about the baby Easter weekend, as I was already showing. We told all of our family and friends that weekend as well.

The following Saturday, blood started gushing from me. I had what was thought an interstitial pregnancy, but it is actually called an angular pregnancy. I was 10 weeks along. The ultrasounds before showed a strong heartbeat. The baby implanted too far in my upper-right side of my uterus and now had no heartbeat. We were devastated. I had the D&C and bled quite heavily with clots and tissue for a week.

Fast forward almost 5 weeks, and the emotional pain is still there. It seems like I handle it better, but I break down almost every night thinking of what could have been. I wonder if my baby was a boy or a girl...I had already ordered the baby bedding as unisex because we wanted to be surprised...I feel stupid for jumping to conclusions that everything would be okay...I feel guilty for telling my children and them grieving the loss with me. I feel like a failure to my family, especially my kids who wanted a baby brother or sister so bad.

I am 32 and have a heart-shaped uterus. I don't get pregnant easily. And apparently, I'm at risk for future angular pregnancies because of the shape of my uterus. I go in after two cycles for a lap-dye test to see if this pregnancy damaged my right tube. But like you ladies, I'm wondering if it's even worth it. The pain is unbearable at times, and I don't know if I can face another 5 years of trying.

Sorry to blab on, but I think it helps talking about it. It seems like my husband doesn't even think about it, but I've been disconnected from him lately. Blah.

IsaacRalph: I saw you had a miscarriage in your signature. I am so sorry. I know it hurts so bad.

I'm sorry for all of you ladies for your loss.

 

[IsaacRalph]

Hey girls thanks for your support it totally does suck! Meemee my DS1 is almost 5 and DS2 and is 9 nearly 10 months and they're just so cute together the age gap is just perfect. Try not to worry about things like that although I know we all have our ideals. You're so young I would defo go for it if I were you!
Mwb yeah so sorry about your loss it's even worse the further along you are. After seeing the heartbeat several times you assume your high and dry. I know I did when I was pregnant last year with the twins. That loss was just awful seeing that lifeless little 10 week along baby on the scan. I still have that image imprinted in my mind and see it every day. I have never got over that loss and feel like there is an empty space which needs filling because of it! My DS2 should be one of two and he is a happy but constant reminder of that. I honestly would have gone mad if it wasn't for him keeping me motivated. Being happy and sad at the same time was just so strange. This loss although has made me sad has made me realise that I do want to fill that space but at what cost?? Do I lose more pregnancies on the off chance one might make it? There is evidence I can do it as I have my 2 sons! It takes so much out of you doesn't it? I'm silly and took a hpt after only 6 days post d&c and still blaring positive,how silly I wanted to see a bfn for the first time in my life! I am thinking of self referring at a recurrent miscarriage clinic but in the meantime going to go on the pill so I can regain strength and get my health sorted as my thyroid levels are all over the place.
Have you had your first cycle yet mwb?? I do read my old thread but not sure where I belong now as onto #3 and the ladies on there are mainly trying for # 2.

 

[momwithbabies]

No, I'm still waiting on AF. My last blood test said my HCG was at 14. They want to check it again this coming Friday to see if it's closer to zero. I asked the nurse when she thought I would get my period and she said it could take 6-8 weeks. She said everybody's different. Idk, maybe with a lower level of hormones, AF will show up.

I know you count your blessings every day with your two kids. For me, it's almost like I appreciate them more??? That kind of sounds weird, but I've noticed myself trying to spend more time with them playing, watching T.V., or doing whatever. I now realize how fragile life is.

I completely understand being happy and sad at the same time. It's hard to explain how even during fun times, there's a dark cloud hanging over me that doesn't seem to hang over anyone else. People don't understand this type of grief until they've lost a baby. I've learned that as well.

I'm so sorry you have to live with the grief of losing one of your twins and your most recent loss. I can't imagine going down this road twice, and I admire you wanting to press on. I wish there was an answer to at what cost...you know, if you knew you would eventually have another for sure, that would be easier to answer. But the fact remains that nothing is for sure. My sister had two losses before her two daughters. She said she had to find a way to harden her heart and press on. If only we had a crystal ball, right?

 

[IsaacRalph]

Yeah a crystal ball would be great I would hopefully look into it and see myself with 3 happy children and all as a happy family! Don't get me wrong we are happy now but I feel so guilty that I can't but all of my time and attention on my 2 boys that I have already tried so hard for. I prayed so hard for these boys and I still find myself not feeling totally complete and as I said before its because of the loss of the twin. Like you mwb, I have been appreciating and enjoying the boys a lot more since this latest loss and I do thank the Lord for them both. But why do I still feel this void?? I feel like I have to keep going until I get this 3rd and final baby! I have actually had 3 losses as also had a miscarriage at 10 weeks before my DS1 came along. For me I think I know the answer is all with my thyroid and antibodies I have so I really need advice on how to deal with it for a successful pregnancy. If it's as easy as taking aspirin and steroids then so be it!
Hopefully your hcg levels are back to normal now mwb surely it can't take that long to go down?? I have read that some women can take so long. Hope not for your case and then you can at least see if your right tube is ok, fx'd for you! I'm guessing my hcg levels are still high the test line was darker than control the other day. Hey ho onwards and upwards! On another note today I had the most awful contraction like pains for about 2 hours. I passed a tiny amount of tissue/ clots but nothing that should've caused that pain. It's gone now but jeez it was bad! Anyone else have contraction type pain after erpc? Xx

 

[meemee]

Isaacralph - I had a really bad contraction-like pain on Friday! I would have been 4 days post d&c, it felt like a really bad afterpain or something, I ended up having to take one of the hardout pain killers that I'd been given for after the d&c - first time I'd actually had to take a painkiller but it felt so sore!
I keep thinking that my 5 year old DD would love having a little brother or sister, she would absolutely love it, I just don't know if I can put myself through the wait to get to 20 weeks and finally feel safe and that the baby's going to live
lilmisscaviar - I am so sorry for your loss, I know the feeling of the 2 back to back losses, between my 2 children we had our 2 miscarriages and then when I got pregnant straight after with my DS, it was absolutely terrifying, just hoping the whole time that I wouldn't start bleeding.
It's just horrible to think about it and worry all the time, why do our bodies allow us to get pregnant at that time if the pregnancy isn't even viable!?
momwithbabies - I totally sympathise with everything you're saying, we too had already begun to get everything ready as well, we had given away most of the baby things when we had because we didn't plan on having another baby. But we then got given a double pram, a cot, heaps of baby clothes and blankets. We even went as far to buy a much bigger car so that we could all fit comfortably and everyone could have over the shoulder seat belts rather than one being stuck with a lapbelt. And every time I see all these things that we've got just sitting here waiting for the baby that was never meant to be, it just makes it all so so much worse
I definitely know what you mean about appreciating the children that you do have a whole lot more, every time I look at them I just feel so blessed to have them in my life, these 2 perfect little human beings that I successfully created. I think that's part of the reason why I wonder about not trying again, because these 2 gorgeous children are what I already have and I'm just so grateful for that - if that makes sense?

 

[momwithbabies]

Makes complete sense. A coworker of mine stopped me today and asked how I'm doing. She's the first person to ask me how I'm doing since I first miscarried (besides on these forums). Even family doesn't ask anymore. My own husband couldn't figure out why I didn't want to go to church this Sunday...pregnant women everywhere in a Catholic Church. Too painful to see right now.

Has anyone else felt like people don't remember what you've been through? Or maybe it's they just don't know what to say?

 

[momwithbabies]

IsaacRalph: I'm hoping you're feeling better today. It's hard to feel good emotionally when you feel bad physically. Yes, I'm hoping by Friday these levels will be normal. We shall see, I suppose.

I admire your determination to keep on going. It's hard to stay positive these days, but I guess all we can do is hope another baby is our fate. My prayer is to accept it either way.

 

[momwithbabies]

I too am in the same boat. I've had two live births. My first pregnancy was text book. The delivery was a little difficult but that was because my DD was almost 9 lbs. and I was pushing for 2 hours before I was able to finally hold her in my arms. My son was a different story. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidum and was horribly sick until 16 weeks. Then he ended up being born almost a month premature. Later he was discovered to have a rare birth defect and needed surgery at 4 months old to repair it. I was very undecided after giving birth to start trying again. We were kind of doing a not trying, not preventing type deal. I ended up becoming pregnant twice since his birth and ended up losing both babies, the last was in February. I was so scared to try again after two back-to-back losses. I kept wondering if it would just end up in MC again because I eventually want more live babies than angel babies. We are currently TTC again. This will be my fifth pregnancy, third child if it is born.

Praying for you.

 

[IsaacRalph]

Hey girls! I'm not the only one who's had this pain then Meemee! I don't think I have am infection or anything but had 3 episodes now where I have had this contraction type pain and also yesterday a stabbing pain in left ovary, ouch! My bleeding is pretty much stopped now just having discoloured discharge. Strange today as had a bit of ewcm mixed in too!??? Is that normal 9 days post d&c?? Is anything normal? Also did a pregancy test today and it was barely positive so the hcg is coming out of my system fairly quickly. Was wondering if my ovaries are gearing up to ovulate soon as I had this mucous. Defo won't be ttc though!
Mwb not sure about people forgetting I have miscarriaged as I didn't hardly tell anyone and now I'm back to work after mat leave hardly a soul knows, so I am having to plod on as normal. My boss and a few others I needed to tell knows and that's it! My family haven't really talked about it and I think they even expect it now as I have had 3, sucks but that's how it feels anyway.
So I'm thinking of going to a miscarriage clinic in a few months and pay for some private tests. My hubby is ok with it and wants whatever I want and I definitely do not want to lose anymore babies if I can help it. I am determined for this baby now! I am not going on birth control but avoiding for several months xx