Keeping grandfather out of LO's life?

[spunky84]

*long* Not sure if this is the appropriate area for this...

This is something I have been contemplating since getting pregnant (and even before that, was question my own relationship with my dad). From the beginning, I've felt this need to protect LO from my dad (though at the time I could only really explain it as not wanting LO to experience the hurt and disappointment I've experienced - which just was never enough for me to make the decision and therefore decided to take it a day at a time).


My father suffers from mental illness. It has become more severe as the years have gone on. Having had my own depression issues in the past, it's hard to just write him off because of that. After all, having gone through what I had gone through has given me perspective of the other side (or his side as I sadly see a lot of the same behaviors, excuses, etc.).


My husband dislikes my father. A lot. And has good reason. My father never took the chance to get to know my husband, but yet, he always tries to blame my husband and his family for our problems (we've been having issues for over 4 years, which is longer than I've even known my husband). He makes DH very uncomfortable.


My issues with my dad really started with his continued drug abuse (not even including me going into debt & ruining my credit in high school because I had to give him money to get our utilities back on so I could shower & use the bathroom, etc).


Over the last year, our relationship has gone further down the drain. Since the beginning of this year alone, he's gotten a lot worse. He's become very manipulative & has raised many red flags to make me say he's out of LO's life, but there was just never anything concrete enough to make such a big decision.


A week ago he called me. Started crap over the phone and within 10 minutes said "F you, I never want to speak to you again" and hung up on me. (He went through this with my brother just a few months ago! Though they reconciled) The first time my husband has ever worried about me and baby (to the point he called my mom because he didn't know what to do).


I've discussed my dad with my mom (divorced) a lot of over the last week. I told my mom that he is not to know when I go into labor or when LO is born. She thought that was going a little overboard. I then came to a decision that if he wanted to reconcile before LO was born, I'd tell him that I need my space right now until I can get settled in w/ LO, but that he'd also know what's going on with her birth. If not, he's not to know anything.


My mom didn't quite agree at first, but went into the more deep rooted issues that I have with my dad (his drug abuse, his manipulation (& how he boasts of it), and more importantly, his lack of verbal and physical boundaries - My dad has said some inappropriately intimate things about his personal life to me (things that I do not need to know as his daughter) and has asked me inappropriately intimate details about my life that he has no business asking. He also has lack of physical boundaries and has been making me uncomfortable for years - his need to always put his arm around me, hold my hand... the time he laid on the couch and put his head in my lap last year...DH and I just stared at each other in horror. I said something to him once about how it made me uncomfortable and he totally flipped out on me).


Once I explained everything to my mom (it goes a lot deeper than what I've put here), she has decided to back me up 100%. Even if him and I do reconcile - to a point - my husband and I never want him to be alone with LO. Ever.


I've gone through so many feelings of relief and guilt over the last week over this. It's hard because he is my dad. But on the other hand, I feel like I have good reason to need to protect LO (and my family) from him. I'm about to go through a huge transition in my life and I really need to focus on me, husband and baby right now. And I just know that I never want LO to ever experience the discomfort that I have around my father. I never want to have to worry about him being a toxic person in her life. I never want LO to have to hear or sense my resentment towards him or if we happen to argue.


I feel like this is such a hard decision to make, but I have to think about my daughter now, and I feel like this would be best for me, my husband and her. For right now at least. I know that from this point on until LO is born and settled in, I have no room to put up with his behavior.


Has anyone else ever been in this sort of situation? How did it turn out? If your decision was to keep x person out of LO's life, how did you come to terms/peace with your decision?

 

[Dream.dream]

While not as severe my biological dad has only met my son once . I have an amazing stepdad who is my sons grandfather thankfully and I decided that my son and me for need y bio dad in out lives. My dad has bipolar he won't get help with ( I have same illness but I deal with mine very well) and has had problem and been in and out of my life when it was convinient for him.

To me my son was the thing that helped me decide I needed to give up on the relationship. It's not that I don't love him, but I did have to decide that I couldn't handle the stress he put on my life. I went through counselling and got over the issue he left me with and accept that he loves me in the best way he knows how but I still can't be around him .

 

[Tammy77]

I could have almost written your post word for word, except that my mother is still married to my father. In order to keep the peace with him, she has chosen to blindly follow him and attack me too over stupid things. He has a long history of manipulation, verbal abuse and drug usage (speed).

With my first two kids, I didn't set boundaries and it ended horribly. Picture me holding my two kids in their room while he towered over me screaming about something stupid that wasn't my fault...me telling him to stop yelling and eventually telling him to get the f*ck out of my house. My kids were traumatized because my parents were constantly in their lives then in one moment they were gone for years.

Unfortunately, nothing has changed except my older two are now 8 & 10 yrs old and much more well adjusted. I will NOT be allowing my parents to screw up this baby.

So that's my story and my decision. HTH.

 

[lau86]

You have to do whatever makes you feel comfertable as a mum, if this means cutting him out so be it x

 

[spunky84]

Dream.dream: That's a very good way to put it. You still love him, but can't handle the stress that he puts on your life. A very good way to put it. I think that's what makes it so hard. Knowing that you love your dad, but having to make a decision on what is best for you and your family.

The only thing that makes it a little bit easier is knowing that FIL is a great guy and grandfather to 2 already, so she will have an awesome grandfather already. Even if I didn't keep LO out of my dad's life, FIL would pretty much be her only grandfather as I know my dad wouldn't have a whole lot to do with her anyway.

Tammy77: That sounds very difficult, especially with having your mother still married to him. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't go to my mom about this and have her on my side (when fully knowing my reasons). That sounds like an awful situation to have been in with your father yelling with your kids right there with you. Definitely not fair to your or your kids. I'm glad that you're kids are better adjusted (though still shouldn't have had to go through that) and that you are able to make the decision to keep this baby from that

lau86: Thanks for the reassurance. I just honestly don't know what I would do if my dad ever did anything to emotionally hurt LO or make her uncomfortable, scared, etc. I know I can't protect her from everything in this world, but if this is the one thing that I can, I will.



The thing is, my dad lives an hour and a half away. I barely see him as it is, so I know that he wouldn't see her a whole lot anyway, but trying to keep up on the phone is draining. There's always an issue. Every phone call is a therapy session. Every visit is met with awkwardness and discomfort. I feel that kids can be very receptive to the emotions of others, and I don't want her to perceive that from me with her grandfather.

I posted about this same thing (aside from the more current events & going into a little more detail) early 2nd tri, and someone had said that with their parent's mental illness, having their grandchild in their life really helped them. That was one of the big things that made me decide to take it a day at a time and reassess later.

But I think that moment has come. Maybe things will change later on & am not saying that this has to be a lifetime choice. Though I don't think he will get any better.

My dad just needs some serious, serious help. I honestly feel that part of him wants to stay sick (when I had my own depression issues, I didn't want to get better. Until the day came where I was just tired of living that way and made effort to work against it).

Right now we all (my family) feel like we have to walk on egg shells around him. We worry that if we say the wrong thing, he will end up back into drugs or will try and hurt himself. I would never do something to try and provoke him to do either of those things, but I can no longer live my life in fear that he will go back to those things because of me. He's a grown man with a choice. And based on my own experiences, nobody elses actions could have caused me to do something - while it may come across that way, the bottom line is my reaction was my choice & not the fault of another. After a "relationship ending" argument with my brother a few months ago (that has since been reconciled), he tried hurting himself. After our argument a week ago, when he was on the phone with my mom, he said some very disturbing things that indicate that he just really needs to be in the hospital.

I want my dad to get help. I know that it's tricky & that he may never be completely okay when it comes to mental illness, but I can handle that at least. At least if I knew he was working really hard at trying to get better, it might be a little different. If he could cut out the manipulation, it might be different. If I knew that he wouldn't try hurting himself because he didn't like what someone had to say, it'd be different. We cannot have an honest relationship because there's no predicting how he would react. And the lack of predictability on his emotions/behaviors is a big problem.

My mom suggested that maybe I try a couple of therapy sessions (not necessarily at this moment - but at some point) for how to cope with my dad; whether or not I continue to have a relationship with him. I may do that some day.

 

[chulie]

I've never had to deal with drug issues but my MIL is a very depressed woman. She doesn't want to be but she can't help it. She's toxic and generally not a pleasant person. This is my advice based on my own experience....

People with any issues need boundaries....huge boundaries. You set what boundaries are safest for you family and stick with them. The biggest and hardest part of that is NOT taking their lash outs personally. Because when they're putting you down or being upset at you you have to remember that's just them projecting their own issues onto someone else. What I always remind myself is. No matter what my mother in law says about me...it's not true. It's like her calling me short. Her calling me that doesn't make it true. So once I was able to come to terms with that. It made MY life better....and my families life and that's ALL that matters. If your boundaries are to meet in a mutual place for lunch once a month. Or meet at a park or whatever. Do it and stick to it. If he starts going off on you. Don't get sucked in. That's what they want. Just turn to him and say "dad I love you but I will not engage in this behavior." And walk away. My MIL constantly complains she's never allowed to see my daughter. But we just had the whole family over Friday night and she decided to go to Bingo instead....so there ya go. She makes her choices....I make mine. That's that. I don't feel bad and any time she says anything I always so "no no, you just can't see her when it works for you. That's your choice to go to bingo instead". And I leave it at that. I refuse to get sucks into her drama.

It is SO hard because deep down you love them and you dh doesn't have the loyalty you do because it isn't his parent. He just sees the hurt. So you have to love him for that....but just remember...set those boundaries and stick to them...as your kids get older you will just have to explain he's very sick and doesn't mean certin things....but that will be a long ways away.

 

[Zuki]

I get where you're coming from, just with a slightly different twist to it. My father is not involved in my life, declined to attend my wedding and does not even know I'm pregnant.

A lot of people have encouraged me to reach out again, to try and let him know about the baby and to try and fix things. But you know what, they're not the ones putting themselves in the path of the pain some people are more than capable of bringing. Every time I try he hurts me, intentionally or not.

You need to put yourself, and your baby, first and if this is someone you don't trust with your child I don't think you have any obligation to include them.

 

[GroomerMama]

My hubs is going through the same with his father currently. He doesn't want to introduce a child to his dad only to have his dad walk out on our child, too. I think we all have instincts. Personally, I don't want my father-in-law in my baby's life until he has proven himself and we all have developed a little trust in him again.

 

[Mom2Hope]

Survivor of years of childhood abuse here at the hands of family members...lets just say...if you don't feel comfortable as his daughter with him doing and saying certain things then it is almost certain your child will grow up feeling uncomfortable with those same occurrences as well...I wish to God my mother had thought of that (though I do not hold it against her)...there are members of my family who will have everything possible to do with LO and there are a handful of individuals who will never see him...period...and I have no guilt about it...it is simply protection...do not feel bad for trying to do everything you can to protect your LO...it is never a baby/child's job to make an adult feel better or do better with any kind of illness, responsibility or anything of that nature...especially where it could put the baby/child at risk of being hurt, traumatized or made to feel insecure...

I hope you and your OH are able to feel more at ease with whatever decision you come to...

 

[sojourn]

This sucks.

I am kind of going through this at the moment. Except it is with my mother-in-law. She is severely mentally ill. She moved in with us for a bit a while back and it ended poorly. It nearly ruined my marriage and she basically hates me. Before she found out I was pregnant she was constantly trying to set my husband up with nurses at her facility (she has since been institutionalized). She told my that I was barren because I would be a bad mother and God blessed her with two children (which she had removed from her due to her substance abuse and neglect of them) because she was such a wonderful mother. While she was hospitalized she called the Sheriff, the school board (I am a substitute teacher and was trying to a perm job), and the department of Elder affairs to say that I beat her and I shouldn't be allowed to be around children. She threatened to kill herself unless they forced me to have a hysterectomy.
I had trouble conceiving and when she found out (after making incredibly cruel comments about how selfish I was for forcing her to die without having a grandchild), she had a giant meltdown about how sad it was *for her* and after that she was completely freaking AWFUL. (Before she had been nice, if nuts, and called me "the mother of my future grandchild" instead of using my real name).

Now that I'm knocked up, I'm just the bee's freaking knees. She still calls me "mama" or "prego" instead of using my name, which pisses me off, but at least she's stopped trying to get my husband to leave me.

She did quite a number on my husband and his brother (who is a drug addict felon who is currently in prison). My husband kept entertaining ideas of her living with us (see, she really did a number on him!) until he realized he'd be raising his child in the same environment.

We have pretty much agreed on short, supervised visits and nothing more. Especially when the child is a baby. She'll likely die before the baby is big enough to understand what is up with her. If not, we'll just explain to our kid that grandma is nutso and not to pay attention to her.

 

[ZoeyKaspian]

My fiance and I both are in similar situations. Neither of us talk to our fathers. Both for very good reasons. My fiance's father is a paranoid schizophrenic who has done unforgivable things. He has no relationship with my fiance's son that he has now. We ran into him with his mom at the Dollar Tree once and my fiance was civil with him and said, "Hey A, you remember grandpa Ron, right?" and his son was so disinterested. His father said hi to him and was nice, but there is a very important distance that is made. I, myself, want his father to be kept at a distance from our son as well. He is unstable, a user, and has hurt my fiance. He pushed my fiance's mom, my fiance had enough and stood up for his mom, and my fiance was the one who got kicked out of the household. We were at a family event and his mom said, "He's reading The Bible and said he's ready to forgive you." Both my fiance and I looked at each other as I knew that this was going to get under my fiance's skin right away. He did nothing but stand up for his mom who was being abused! Then, when we were going to hang out with his mom here recently, she said that his dad would tag along. He asked me how I felt and I said hell no. He was having an anxiety attack and I could tell. His mom is so tied up in his father that it's ridiculous (she is a very nice person, but very codependent on my fiance's father). He has a criminal record as well.

My own father was something we were on the fence about. I hadn't talked to my father since I was 15 (I am now 26) and I tried reuniting with him this year. I figured since my step-brother had let me know my biological father had skin cancer I would try to reach out. I thought maybe it would have changed him. It didn't. We got along for about a week. Telling him "I love you" felt wrong. He insists on making me hate my mother who has done nothing but be a nice person. She has her flaws, but she can admit to them. My father has his flaws, but insists he has none. He has done drugs, he is bipolar and has a reliance on his pills. He also has a criminal record. My fiance told me to calm down one day when I was getting heated at something my biological father wrote to me on Facebook a few months back, but then I had my fiance read it. My biological father told me that "My mom (his mother has hit me, slapped me, and twisted my arm because I didn't wear my hair to her expectations, didn't have my ears pierced, and was crying after one of my stepdad's died) might have abused you, but you were out of control and deserved it." That nailed it. He for sure wasn't going to be around our son. My fiance told me after he read it to go ahead and say whatever I wanted. He had finally seen what an ass my father can be, firsthand. We also agree that my biological father's mother will never step foot around our son. I refuse to call her my grandmother.

We had this realization that our child would not have a biological grandpa figure. The only grandpa he will have is my mom's husband. I actually almost started crying the last time I talked to him and he said that he hoped he would be able to meet his grandson one day (I moved from home to be with my fiance) because I was so touched that my (step)dad was already calling himself grandpa because HE is grandpa. I did feel some guilt at first about my biological father, but on the other hand, if I am doing the best thing for my child to keep him away from such unstable situations, why should I or my fiance feel guilty?