Known donor question

[tamsiewho]

We have a donor who we met specifically to have a baby, we have agreed that baby will know him and know he is his donor. However, we also have an agreement that he will not play a parental role and he has signed a contract to have no say in anything and we have no right to him, money etc.

My partner and I will be our daughters parents.

Recently we shared a 4d scan pic win our donor and he uploaded it to his Facebook and said "this is my daughter, the mums are a couple I know and I'm the biological father".

We know he will feel something for the baby, but we didn't want him to be a "father" we had set up with him, that he will be "extended family role" like an uncle.

What do your kids call their known donor?
Did your donor want more contact and involvement once baby arrived?

Thanks for your advice!!

 

[Nelly101]

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I wish I could help my partner and I are still in the IUI process. We decided to go unknown because I did not want the known for that reason. But they made us to counseling lol lame but she did say that if people do known do not tell the child that its the father because it gives the child an idea that they have a dad and he is going to be part of their life. Its hard if he thinks he gonna be a dad I guess just break it down to him and let him know and if he can not follow you guys wishes I say cut him out ...but congrats on pregnancy and I hope someone with a known donor help you out. Sorry i was no help.

 

[tamsiewho]

Thanks Nelly

My partner and I did have a conversation saying we were going to write to him (electronically) and set some ground rules, like what we will call him to the baby and how many times he can visit etc, just until we are more comfortable in our roles as two mums, and until we know how he is going to feel.

I think if we try and keep to a formal arrangement it might manage it, obviously we want him to play a role and feel good in his decision, but we also want to manage his expectations to ensure our daughter doesn't get hurt or he doesn't get hurt.

Over time their relationship will develop organically, but initially I think we as mothers/parents have to look out for baby and ourselves.

Thanks for commenting and good luck with your journey! x

 

[The2mums]

I think I would feel a bit strange about what he did tbh. He's not the father he is the donor. We never got round to signing a contract with our donor but we verbally agreed before that we would update at life events etc. and if needed we could contact him.
Xx

 

[tamsiewho]

We have emailed him setting out our expectations...we await the reply

 

[tamsiewho]

Good result, he has said he respects our views and will let us lead...he will be called uncle X

 

[MariposaTam]

Awesome I'm glad to hear that! I hope you have no more troubles

 

[The2mums]

Cool x

 

[Moms2b]

Did you not have any type of legal contract written up and signed before TTC?

 

[The2mums]

We never got round to it, we verbally agreed before

 

[LunaBean]

Mine wanted more contact once he arrived, he sees him every few months and I email/text pix all the time.He calls him buy him name though, he isnt his dad. I would talk to him, hes maybe just excited!!

 

[Hdginsc]

My donor is known as uncle. And that's all he wants to be. He came and visited after my daughters birth but he knows the baby is mine and my wife's. Not his. And he's okay with that. He said he just wants to be known as uncle and we like that!

 

[Bajayby]

Hey All, it's great that this forum exists and that the forum has a section for same sex parenting.
My partner and I are looking into our options on how to go about having a baby.
Our options would be; going thru' a clinic IUI/IVF with known/unknown donor or there's the option of 'DIY' with known/unknown donor...
What I would like to ask here... if it the right thread is....what factors influenced your decision on whether to use known/unknown donor?
My partner has two 'almost' grown up children from a previous marriage, so as you might know from that, the option of going down the known donor route could add to our 'complicated' situation, but may/may not be advantageous to the child. Our priority will be the child's needs and well being.
Also, we are in Ireland and eventhough we have civil partnership here, I'm not quite sure what legal standing my partner would have in relation to the baby. Any help/advice on this would be great too.