lack of love and care

[teaandchoc]

I gave birth to our beautiful daughter less than 2 days ago. Feeling my husband is really disappointed that she is a girl and wishing we'd found out gender at scan rather than waiting so he had a chance to be happy about it. We have other children, girls and a boy. I had a home birth and he went to work the next morning. He has been helping look after the other children but it feels like he couldn't care less about me and baby. I didn't have any lunch yesterday and never get offered a drink or food. I've been up from midnight to 5am feeding both nights since she was born and am really sore. Honestly I don't think he cares. On my own again now. He is really grumpy and if I ask him to do anything its like I'm being unreasonable and a pain. I know I'm emotional but I'm shocked he's like this and just don't know what to do. My poor little baby girl I wish I felt he loved her too. He's mostly ignoring us and just lets me get on with it. He doesn't want to cuddle her and is quite standoffish with me. Definately no well done for the birth or pride over our new arrival. Sorry to rant. Just needed to vent.

 

[Skywalker]

Don't quite know what to say for advice besides talking to him. Maybe it would help him come to terms and maybe even reveal the situation to becaused by something different than you think. Even if not, it's best to talk to him about it. Also I want to say I truly know how much it sucks to be on your own after the baby is born. The father was dangerous for the baby and me and I had to leave him in my second trimester, and when I did, my mother convinced me to move out to where she lived in the middle of nowhere so she could help with the baby. Her help ended up being leaving the hospital about an hour after my son was born, begrudging me rides to the store in the weeks after and not helping with anything else than that, and then suddenly up and moving about 5,000 miles away, leaving me stranded. I know how overwhelming it can be, but I also know that you can do it, even if you have to essentially do it on your own because your husband is being emotionally checked out. It was hard as shit for me because from the getgo I've had to do 100% of all care for my son and I alone, but I can also tell you the bond you have with your baby will be strong. Maybe your husband will come round. I hope he does. If you need to talk, I'm here.

 

[teaandchoc]

Thanks so much for reply. I tried to talk to him about it but it just descended into a bit of an argument and he felt I was completely unfair. He's still completely miserable and so grumpy. He's acting as if the world is ending rather than he's just been blessed with a healthy child. I just don't understand as we do already have a son and daughters.

 

[Maxy1]

Was your husband at the birth? Was he ok during the birth?

I just wonder if your DH is suffering from PND? Men are just as likely as women to suffer a bout of depression after the arrival of a new child. Sometimes this can be from a PTSD reaction to the birth if it was a tough one for them. I know my DH (who was at both births) struggled with the birth because he couldn't 'control' or 'help' me when I was in pain and with my second birth it was quite traumatic for both of us.

My DH checked out a lot after the first birth because he felt this enormous pressure to provide and had a real confidence dip that he could do it.

DH is constantly unaware of what I need in the few weeks after the birth of my babies. I know you think you are being a pain, but you just have to ask them to do stuff. They will not think of it on their own. I don't mean to be disrespectful to men, but DH constantly tells me that men just don't think about that sort of stuff so I need to tell him what to do. He is also constantly under the impression that I am superwoman so he is just in the way and will probably do it wrong anyway (probably!!) so why bother.

I found out the gender at the second scan so we could plan a bit better. DH initially was not that ecstatic about a girl either. It took a few weeks for him to realise that it will be cool.

Sorry your talk with him didn't go well. Just plant an idea and let it simmer for a bit then raise it again when he has had some time to process it. I find simmer time works well.

Best of luck.

 

[teaandchoc]

Thanks so much for reply. Things have really improved. I think he was under a huge amount of stress and was behaving completely out of character. I think our daughter has worked her charm on him and he's been cuddling her and giving her lots of attention and is completely different with me. We had a long talk and although I know he's still disappointed not to have another son he's coming to terms with it. Huge relief as I feel I've got my lovely caring husband back and I'm not alone x

 

[RcdM]

Glad things seem to be getting better. I was going to say that he won't be like this forever. Little girls will have their daddies wrapped around their fingers soon enough, but sometimes it takes time for reality to set it for the dads. I bet once she's a few months old and is smiling and cooing at him he will be head over heels.