late miscarriage at 21 weeks. feeling lost.

[brittanyverse]

My fiance and I went through 2 miscarriages before making it through the first trimester with our 3rd pregnancy. By this time I was relieved that we had gotten that far with no issues. We kept it quiet from our friends and family until getting past the 12 weeks because of the past miscarriages telling people we were expecting then lose the baby and have them asking questions like "hey, how's the pregnancy coming along?" Or "how far along are you now?" Only to say we lost the baby. So we waited this last time since miscarriage is far less likely after 12 weeks. Everything was fine leading up to the 13 week I had a regular check up heart beat was good. I even started feeling movement by this time since I'm of a smaller build very petite and I already have a 6 year old daughter not to mention how excited she was to have a soon to be sibling. We went on and I took a video on my phone around 18 weeks I was lying down and the baby was just kicking away. It melted my heart knowing I had a little bundle of joy in my tummy. After that week it seemed that the baby had moved into another position and much lower than before and from where it was on the left side then had moved to the right and dropped very low. I had an ultrasound coming up at 21 weeks so by then we were scheduled to find out the sex. I was so excited that day I couldn't sit still. Waiting for the other woman in the sono room to be out because we were next in line. We get in there the gel on my belly and the nurse, looking frantically at the monitor. Next thing I know she looks at me and says, " I'm afraid that we can longer find a heartbeat." Never was told the sex of the baby that day. My doctor ended up coming in the room to confirm what she'd said and by measurements, the baby had passed at 18w 3d. He told me that I needed to deliver my baby. I about fell off my seat I was in total shock and still am to this day. Its been 4 months since it happened and it still feels so real. We went to hospital and was given medicine by IV to speed up delivery I was in labor for about 24 hrs and then my water broke. I was so sad knowing I was giving birth to a dead baby that I could not take home to love and grow with. I've been very depressed since then nightmares when I do sleep which is hardly ever. So on April 17, 2014 I had a baby boy. He was perfect to me despite his dark maroon color to his lifeless body. I held him for hours telling him how much I love him and how much I will miss him. I told him I'd see him again one day that I'll never forget him. Kissing him was like putting my lips on an ice cube. It was hard holding my son knowing he wasn't alive. I held him close to my heart and prayed. I took pictures of him also. Knowing it was gonna be hard to look at, I didn't wanna regret it later on. I clinched onto him until the nurses took him to the morgue. I had him cremated and now he's on my night stand next to my bed. I kiss his urn and talk to him frequently. I am 26 years old and no matter your age, no mother should ever have to deal with that kind of pain. Dealing with funeral homes I have been a complete wreck. I still do not know what to do with myself. I miss him dearly.

 

[kategirl]

I'm so very very sorry for your loss, brittanyverse. I really don't know what to say as I've never been through anything like that (my losses were both very early), but I hope you'll be able to find peace soon.

 

[LovemyBubx]

I am so so sorry for your loss, I have not been through the same so sorry nothing helpful to say, I can't imagine what you must be going through but your beautiful boy will always be with you through the love you will forever have for him xxxx

 

[Munchkin30]

Oh honey I am so so sorry for your loss. I gave birth to a perfect little girl at 21+3 back in March.

Our 20 week scan showed she had a severe and fatal heart condition and we had to make the heartbreaking decision to induce. We spent 12 hours with our little girl, she slept next to us as we slept.

The hardest moment of my life was walking out of that room and I swear on my life I never ever want to walk away from any of my children again, dead or alive. I have pictures of her and am slowly giving myself time to look at them, I can now look at the scan pics and have one by my bed, and I have her hand and footprints in clay and on a silver necklace I wear constantly.

They've been the hardest months of my life but I can truly say now I feel blessed to have known her and really would never wish it had never happened. Those months I had her and felt her kicks will stay with me forever.

I am now 8 weeks pregnant again and terrified but excited.

Please please pm me of you want to share anytime xxx

 

[staycb01]

I am so so so so sorry about your loss! I really can't even put into words how sorry I am about losing your precious little boy and all that you had to go through.
I had my loss a month ago at 9 weeks, and it's so hard.
Were you able to find out the cause?
I was able to find out with mine, and it helped me a little bit to know.
Thinking of you!!!

 

[MommytoLBG]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Tears are streaming down while I read your words and as I type my own. I can not begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I lost my baby at 9w2d due to Subchorionic hemorrhage. I know the pain I felt in the days and weeks after. And the pain I still feel too often. It hits me at various times of the day. Esp milestones. I would now be able to feel little nudges. In two weeks we would know the gender. No words can ease the pain, but you have come to a place where you can share what you are going thru with others who have also been there. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Kelly9]

Sorry for your loss it truly is the hardest thing a person can ever go through. My hannah was born sleeping at 18 weeks from a rare condition, I to have her ashes and they always stay close by, it's been 2.5 years and I still think about her everyday. I remember functioning and basic life necessities being incredibly hard and having a toddler to look after. I was a mess for a long time. I did get pregnant again with a rainbow and she is nearly 18 months old now and my happiness has come back though there is always a sad empty spot in my heart for Hannah. I had to learn how to become a different person because no matter how much I wanted things to go back to how they were before we lost her I knew they just couldn't, took me a while to figure that out.

I'm not trying to be a downer, I guess what I'm trying to say is it does get easier with time which is a crappy thing to hear but it gets easier in that you get better in dealing with the grief and the missing.

 

[Bug222]

im so very sorry for your loss xxx

 

[Nikki1979]

I am so sorry for your loss Brittany. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through

 

[babytots]

I am so sorry for your loss my heart breaks for you having been in a similar position myself 5 years ago. I had 2 miscarriages in 2008 and then was lucky to fall pregnant again. Passed 12 weeks with no problems and had a private scan at 17 weeks which showed our beautiful baby girl. 12 days later at 18+5 we found out her heart had stopped. She was born at 19 weeks but was the size of a 15 week gestation baby.

It is so hard to get through and the pain never really truly leaves you. I have since gone on to have two beautiful boys and I know she sent them to me to heal my heart.

Sadly I have just suffered another miscarriage and find myself here again. X

 

[whitglass]

I am sending so much positive love and energy your way. No one should have to experience that, I am so so sorry. Please know you are not alone, there are many women on this forum and maybe even a support group in your area. Having a support system is everything. xoxoxo

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.. I lost my Ava at 22 weeks, I gave birth to her in my house.. I got pregnant with her at age 40, I already had 3 boys at the time 20, 18 and 12 and we were done.. Ava, was not only a big surprise, but also the little girl, I never ever thought I would have... It took me a good 2 yrs to be ok.. It was horrible.I was so so sad.. I didn't try again.. I just was to scared at my age, if i was younger I probably would have.. Now I am 44 and I have just accepted what will be.. I know one day I will know the reason my angel was taken from me... I know exactly what you are going through, but it is true, time does help.. You will never forget, but the pain will ease. I promise