Leaving the hospital with no baby

[roadrunner]

I was driving home from the hospital this morning after rounds and I was thinking about how it feels to leave the hospital with empty arms. It actually has been quite a long time since I have gone to the hospital pregnant, labored and delivered, and then left a couple of days later without my baby. What a horrible, horrible feeling. I can still feel the physical ache in my arms when I think about it. And to make matters worse about the time a person gets home afterwards is the day that all of the hormone levels really drop and there is such an emotional let down anyway, physiologically, that a person would have whether they delivered a healthy baby or not. Without the baby to help get through those difficult days, it magnifies that pain 10 million times.

I know that several months after leaving the hospital without my baby my mother made a comment about when it would be that I would be able to get back to normal...that was nearly 9 years ago the first time. I don't think "normal" ever looks the same again. I cannot know of someone else suffering through this without tearing up. I often think about my experiences and how my life has changed. I smell certain smells, especially in the hospital, that have the power to take me back to those days instantaneously.

I think I have a problem allowing myself to feel what I really feel. And, frankly, other people do not help that situation. I feel very sad and grieved over my last loss. It was at 7 weeks. I was not very far along. It was a natural miscarriage with no medical intervention. Physically, I have been through much worse. But I find myself thinking about that baby and wanting that baby as much as any of my babies, including the one that was one day shy of qualifying for "stillbirth". I get the feeling that I shouldn't hurt so much over this last loss. Afterall I was "not that far along". It was different, yes, from the situation surrounding my stillbirth, but in the end I still was left with an empty womb and empty arms. I don't like putting on that it wasn't as bad, because in many ways it was just as bad.

Someone said on here that maybe part of what I am feeling is due to not really taking time to grieve. I imagine that is true...especially over this last year. We had two losses, one in April-due in December, and one in September-due last month. So April was tough for me in that I felt I should be bring home a newborn and it was also the one year mark for the other loss last year. It's May now, but I am still feeling April. Part of what happened last year, too, was that I was pregnant then miscarried and not even a week after I started bleeding we were hit with Hurricane Ike. We had to evacuate, my hospital was severely damaged and there were huge question marks all over every area of our lives. There was no time to grieve or even to really rest physically during that time. Really since then it feels like we have been clawing our way back to some form of normalcy.

I have to put on a happy face and take care of everyone else. I do love doing that. I love talking with patients and their familes. I love the good outcomes. I love that I can be a part of people's lives when the outcome is not good...I hope that I can offer a measure of compassion. But on the inside I am screaming for someone to recognize that I am missing my babies.

I am also exhausted which isn't helping. At least today I am home early. But I am getting up at 4AM every morning and staying in the hospital about 16 hours a day on average. I am on day 7 of 14 that I will work with no days off. I'm just tired...

 

[Naya69]

i couldnt even begin to imagin how it would feel to come home with empty arms 4 days after i delivered i got the baby blues and felt so down and the only thing that kept me going was my little boy without him i would of cracked up.

i think every lady who comes on here with their story are so brave and strong and i just wish i had half of that xxx

 

[polo_princess]

i am so sorry for your losses

 

[Rhi_Rhi1]

I cant even begin to imagine what your feeling, im so sorry for your losses

 

[badunkadunk13]

I believe that this "normal" changes with every experience we go through. Just as when you're 16, normal is going to high-school everyday, but when you're 21 normal isn't like that anymore. For me, after my first two miscarriages and after losing this one, normal was remembering those losses and them being in the back of my mind. They weren't there every day, but they were there often enough for it to be normal for me to think of them. That was normal then. After my recent loss, things will return to normal, but it won't be the same normal it was before.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you believe normal to be what it was before your losses, you'll never be normal again and will drive yourself crazy trying to get back to that. Most definitely take your time to greive, get mad, get pissed off, buy a punching bag and beat the s*%t out of it or take yourself a week or two to watch some sad movies and bawl your eyes out...whatever works for you. Take your time to feel sorry for yourself, for the child you lost, for your family...you've got to do it. Don't let it fester or it will rip you to pieces. You might not even feel "better" after you do whatever it is you need to do to greive, but at least you'll feel that you gave yourself and your situation it's due time. We'll never, ever get OVER these losses (as I don't think we're supposed to), but we can get AROUND them. Again, things will be NORMAL again, even if it's not the same normal you knew before.

I'm so sorry if this post upset you (or anyone else), but I can feel the pain and frustration in your words and feel them so sharply because I feel the same way...you put into words a lot of what's going on in my head right now. And I feel a kindred spirit with you as in the past I've always just wanted to go back to work, work hard, and push thoughts into the back of my mind (that's what I've done with my first two losses), but with the appearance of this recent loss (a trigger) it's all hitting me so hard as I'm now dealing with ALL of my losses instead of just being able to concentrate on the current one. I never want anyone else to go through that. Please, please, please take your time to greive...your heart, mind, and spirit all need it. And by all means, lean on us. We may not understand EXACTLY what you're feeling since everyone greives differently and feels differently, but we do understand WHY you're feeling the ways that you do.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

A loss is a loss, no matter what the reason. It doesn't matter how far along you are or what the process was to get there, that's my opinion.

I've learned something very helpful in my life that I want to share with you. I had a terrible tragedy in my life about 12 years ago and I didn't talk to a soul about it for 5 years. I endured 5 years of self tourture and pain. Eventually I did grieve and deal with it, as much as is possible. But for so long I punished myself for waiting so long to start that process.

What my point is this. I learned along the way the the body and the mind have a neurological coping mechanism itself. We can want to deal and grieve, but the mind will only release what it thinks that the "body" is able to handle. It's a sort of way of dealing with shock. In the end I was not strong enough those 5 years to deal with what happened and I was uneducated as well about what was happening. It was a longer road but it was my road. I hate to think, but it helped to prepare me for what I'm currently going through. Like you said, you were early but you know the pain, you've been there, so for you it is different, and you have to honour that.

Be careful with yourself and let yourself go through the process that feels right at the time. It's a different thing if you know your dwelling, or denying or ignoring something, but with the hurricane, it's no surprise that you weren't emotionally able to grieve. All in good time.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. It's a terrible time for us all, but I've got to hold onto the fact that we will make it through to a better spot because we have to. It's not right or natural to live in grief.

 

[carrieanne]

i have no words to ease your pain i can only wish you strenth to get through and a shoulder and an ear im here for you xxxxxxxxx ive have had 4 losses so i know honey xxx

 

[princess_bump]

i can not imagine the pain of your losses, you are in my thoughts xxx

 

[leedsforever]

i cannot imagine the pain... thinking of you!

 

[babytots]

i think the other ladies have said it all. i am so sorry for your losses hun. take your time to grieve when i had my first 2 losses i just got on with life everyone else had and i felt i had to for their sake. only after losing jessica did i realise that i needed to grieve properly for them too. 4 weeks on not a day doesnt go by where i dont think about my angels but i have learnt to cope around it. i'll never be the person i was before i lost my babies i was happy go lucky then now i'm not. x

 

[roadrunner]

Thank you all. I think even now I am still sometimes surprised by a wave of grief that pops up. I do think because life is so busy, and I feel like there are so many people who need me to be strong that I don't give myself permission to really admit that I am sick over losing my babies. I have been pregnant nine times. Nine. times. It is difficult for me explain what it is that I feel about it...it is as if all the loss has just compounded into this one big thing; this one big unfinished thing. I cannot seem to get a good handle on it.
And, I feel guilty for feeling so bad about the the seven babies that are gone when I do have three living children here with me. I know that I am blessed. It doesn't help to be told to focus on what I have. I doesn't help to be told to just be grateful. I am grateful. I am incredibly grateful...more so I think because I know just how precious and fragile these little lives are. But I also know exactly what has been lost. I know that there are children missing from my life here on earth and try as I might, it still just hurts.
Thank you for giving me the freedom to say so "out loud".

 

[Dirtykittyxx]

I experienced a stillbirth at 7 months about 5 years ago. I was shocked and felt numb for a long time afterwards. It is really heartbreaking to leave the hospital without the baby, you gave birth to a few hours before. Afterwards, i convinced myself that it was my fault because i ignored the midwifes advice and didnt stop working my 13 hour days in a busy kitchen. My friends and family were there for more to a point but after several overdoses on my pain meds and antidepressants they soon gave up hope for me.
Thats when i convinced myself that i didnt deserve anybody and started doing every thing in my power to alienate my family and friends and push people i cared about away.

For the past five years, I havent been able to deal with the issues and grieve surrounding my stillbirth so I have been punishing/hating myself and other people.
I am now pregnant with a healthy 15 week old baby after several more m/c's and a Ectopic pregnancy and I have a supportive partner who loves me and is helping overcome my issues for the sake of myself and my unborn baby.

You never really forget it but with a supportive network of family and friends around you, you will learn to move on and start appericate life once again.

if you wnat to talk further to someone who is here and understands you can pm.

 

[jacky24]

I know what you are going thru hun... next week is my son's 2nd birthday... and the feeling of walking thru those hospital doors, cut open from hip to hip... pain and all... but no baby... people don't realise what it actually takes to even get up in the morning after something like that.....

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I've been told so often now that I have to feel my feelings and not question or deny them. I find that hard to do, but it's good advice I'll pass on to you as well.

It's easy for me to say to you, "don't feel guilty for how you feel" but you should allow yourself the openness to feel everything that is going on no matter how crazy. Days after my termination (due to a lethal condition at 15 weeks) I was happy, actually happy. I tried to be sad, I wanted to be sad, but I just felt happy. It made me sick to the core, I felt guilty, terrible, awful and cruel, but it's how I felt. Later, time had passed and the sadness did come, but for me and my situation there was a relief and that happiness was in knowing my dear boy was no longer in pain. Enough about me.