letting go of the past...(long post)

[harvestqueen]

Hi Ladies,
There has been something that has been hard for me to completely let go of for some reason, not sure why I am having so much trouble. Hoping to post here could help me. Maybe some support or words of encouragement?
First I just want to say I am so grateful that I am pregnant and healthy...

We started ttc in sept 2011, right around that time I found out I had a fibroid, but the ob/gyn said it shouldn't stop you from getting pregnant, so to just go ahead and try. We did and I got two second opinions in March. One said I should remove it, the other said it was reducing my chances 50% about. I had decided to get it removed and had it scheduled for May, but I decided to go to my original ob/gyn to tell her about the surgery and she again said she didn't think that was why I wasn't getting pregnant, that she would at least do an HSG test first. So I got cold feet, it hadn't been that long that we were trying and I felt like once it is done there is no going back, so I decided to postpone the surgery, do the HSG and try for a little longer.

The HSG showed there was some small thing in there that could be obstructing and I did want to get the surgery after that, but had to wait until September 2012 because of scheduling and being away for 2 months over the summer.
Had the surgery in Sept, went great, and here I am now, pregnant 4 months later!
What I regret so much is not just doing it in May. Because of my decision, I am going to be 37 instead of potentially 36 with my first. I am due end of Sept and I turn 37 end of August. I know this isn't that big of a deal, but to me that number is so much bigger and I can't let go that I should have done it in May.

I also think positively about it, that within a year from when we started, I had the fibroid removed. That is not bad. Also, that I have no idea what the bigger picture is, who knows what would have happened. But there is a sadness inside that I did the wrong thing and time feels so much denser, there is less room for error. And it added a year in a way, even though it isn't that drastic, 37 with my first vs 36 with my first seems so much older.

But, I really want to let this go completely. I want to move forward and be living in the present. I want to embrace 37 and not feel like it is so old compared to 36.

Thanks

 

[LuckyW]

You made the best decision you could with the information you had. That's all any of us can do. You're characterizing it as a mistake, but only because it seems as though an earlier myomectomy would have meant an earlier pregnancy. But you don't know that.

I'm reading that you're fundamentally worried about getting older. I'm also sensing that you tend to evaluate yourself and your choices as though your life were a performance up for review. And you're pretty hard on yourself.

Well, the one nice thing about getting older, for me, has been that I've become much less critical of myself and my past choices. And it might not be much of a consolation, but honestly, more inner peace, this doesn't suck!

 

[harvestqueen]

You made the best decision you could with the information you had. That's all any of us can do. You're characterizing it as a mistake, but only because it seems as though an earlier myomectomy would have meant an earlier pregnancy. But you don't know that.

I'm reading that you're fundamentally worried about getting older. I'm also sensing that you tend to evaluate yourself and your choices as though your life were a performance up for review. And you're pretty hard on yourself.

Well, the one nice thing about getting older, for me, has been that I've become much less critical of myself and my past choices. And it might not be much of a consolation, but honestly, more inner peace, this doesn't suck!

That is a really great way to put it, your first sentence. That really helps me. Thank you. And you are right, I don't know that it would have meant an earlier pregnancy. Your input and perspective is really right on and valuable for me to hear. Yeah, maybe that is part of it. I have always felt really young, but now getting a few gray hairs, and my left knee making a constant noise, and thinking about age is a big deal to me, aside from the pregnancy. I also tend to over think things. In a way, I think I am still growing up and learning, and this has been a really great lesson and experience in that. Thank you so much for your words!!!

 

[Borboleta]

I know a lady that had the same problem as you. And her first doctor didn't want to have the fibroids removed either. They were trying for years!! They finally made a decision to change doctors and that was the first thing she told her to do ( the surgery to remove the fibroids). After a couple of months of medication and the fibroids gone she got pregnant. She was then 39. They were trying for 11 years!! She says she regrets wasting so much time with the first doctor too. And I guess a lot of us might feel the same way specially if we are first time mummies over 35 years old. I had my first baby at 38 years old and I wish I had made the decision to start having babies before so i wouldn't feel so rushed to try for a second. I am now 39 and after reading so many stories of ladies over 40 having babies I think I will try again after my 40s birthday this year. My son will have an older mommy but he will have a mommy that loves him dearly .

 

[Rashaa]

Harvest I'm 46, conceived at 45....I had a huge fibroid that prevented us for almost 5 years! We go with what we have when we have it (info). Don't beat yourself up, God gives us what he wants, when he wants us to have it.

 

[LuckyW]

That is a really great way to put it, your first sentence. That really helps me. Thank you. And you are right, I don't know that it would have meant an earlier pregnancy. Your input and perspective is really right on and valuable for me to hear. Yeah, maybe that is part of it. I have always felt really young, but now getting a few gray hairs, and my left knee making a constant noise, and thinking about age is a big deal to me, aside from the pregnancy. I also tend to over think things. In a way, I think I am still growing up and learning, and this has been a really great lesson and experience in that. Thank you so much for your words!!!

Glad I could help. I hope I never stop growing and learning!

 

[harvestqueen]

I know a lady that had the same problem as you. And her first doctor didn't want to have the fibroids removed either. They were trying for years!! They finally made a decision to change doctors and that was the first thing she told her to do ( the surgery to remove the fibroids). After a couple of months of medication and the fibroids gone she got pregnant. She was then 39. They were trying for 11 years!! She says she regrets wasting so much time with the first doctor too. And I guess a lot of us might feel the same way specially if we are first time mummies over 35 years old. I had my first baby at 38 years old and I wish I had made the decision to start having babies before so i wouldn't feel so rushed to try for a second. I am now 39 and after reading so many stories of ladies over 40 having babies I think I will try again after my 40s birthday this year. My son will have an older mommy but he will have a mommy that loves him dearly .

Your words are so true, and it is somehow reassuring to know I am not the only one out there that had a hard time knowing what to do regarding fibroids. I have thought about everyone's words on here and it has truly helped me process this, I was on my way, but needed some additional support from people that really know what this whole journey can be about, so thank you!!
And as my mom said to me, 37 is the new 27! Haha. Also, I plan to be healthy for a long time. This has also been such a learning experience, I think it is interesting I am due only a month after turning 37, it makes no difference really, a few months, it is JUST a number. It is about how we feel. And I feel good. Sounds like a great time to start TTC again!!

 

[harvestqueen]

Harvest I'm 46, conceived at 45....I had a huge fibroid that prevented us for almost 5 years! We go with what we have when we have it (info). Don't beat yourself up, God gives us what he wants, when he wants us to have it.

Wow Rashaa. I bet you were so happy to find out what the issue was, that is one really good thing right, that it was/is a solvable problem. Congrats on your pregnancy!! You are so right, I am totally going to stop beating myself up, which I can see clearly now that I was doing. Things happen when they are supposed to happen and I do believe there is a larger picture in place. We don't always know why things happen the way we do, but it is good to remember that. There might be a very very good reason for something happening in it's own way, not exactly the way we wanted, that we will never know.