Little bit of a rant

[Skywalker]

Okay, I'm not one for pissing contents. I believe that everyone's personal problems are as big as they are to them and it doesn't ever really make anyone feel better to go, "Well you think you have problems? Think of the starving kids in Africa!" or something because that still doesn't necessarily help them come up with a solution for their problem.

But my friend comes to me and complains to me that she is getting over a cold and hates her job and that her life is basically ruined because of these two things and she got mad when I was like, "Oh, I know! I'm sorry you're going through that. I've been vomiting all day and lost my place to stay AND my jobs." because I wasn't paying enough attention to her problem and she refused to talk about my problems.

Well, excuse me, but I vomited three times today and had to work at a job with my ex-OH who I still have to live with in a foreign country that I am now stuck in because he suddenly revoked his agreement on paying for my plane ticket home. On top of that, he told me that he can no longer afford to pay me for my work remotely as previously agreed and tried to get out of paying me for the sick days he owed me that I took last week because I was also vomiting. On top of THAT I was just informed that the family member I was going to stay with upon my return to the States can no longer have me stay with her because her fiance is against anyone moving into their small apartment and none of my family can take me in because of their circumstances or there is no room, except my mother, who has a tiny house since she's retired and offered me her couch temporarily. On top of THAT the other client I was going to be working for backed out of making a decision on hiring me right now because her partner just had a seizure and it's "too stressful" for her to think about (she is also my friend and knows I am pregnant and need this job) SO now I have NO jobs when a few days ago I was assured two jobs that would provide me with enough money to live on, NO home, I am stuck in a foreign country with a man who picks fights with me on a daily basis and makes me cry and refuses to believe any of my pregnancy symptoms are real even as I'm vomiting, and yeah! I'm stranded, pregnant, 8,000 miles away from home, no jobs and only an offer to stay on my mother's small couch temporarily, faced with having to try to find work while I'm puking randomly and can't even turn my head too quickly.

And this girl wants to complain to me!?

Sorry but sometimes I think people just can't see past their own noses. I know that everyone's problems are big or small in relation to their own perception of them and that this friend ISN'T me and doesn't have my problems and that her problems are very real to her even though they're not as large as mine. But honestly, a little empathy would be nice. How the hell does a cold and being dissatisfied with a job you already have compare with being PREGNANT and still stuck living under the same roof as your ex who verbally abuses you and no job and no current way to get back to the States and no idea how to pay for rent while you get there? How exactly?

I know I will come up with a solution. I know I can go to the American Embassy here and tell them the situation and I could probably get on a military plane for stranded Americans. I know that I will work it out, that's not what I'm upset about. I'm just upset that some of my friends are SO not understanding. One of them thinks that her being stressed out over a fight with her OH is more important than the fact that I'm puking my brains out and lonely in a horrible situation and she has room in her house and she doesn't even offer it to me when I've taken her in before. Just drives me nuts, the nerve of some people >.<

Okay, I'm done ranting!

 

[bigbetty]

 

[confuzion]

I really feel for you. Seems a lot of your "friends" are no friends at all. If I was close to someone in your situation I would do everything I could to help them.

I hope it all works itself out . You and your baby deserve better than what everyone is giving you right now.

 

[MonyMony]

Absolutely, I think you deserve better. Sorry you didn't have a more understanding friend.

What stands out to me is that you have spirit, and that's so important. I too have the worst symptoms and am on leave from my job, but I find it hard to be so plucky. I admire that and can tell you're going to be okay. Good for you not letting others drag you down!

 

[jamiegrl24]

I'm sorry mama! It's so frustrating isn't it? Sometimes our friends can be so selfish. My best friend in the world has basically stopped talking to me ever since I told her I was pregnant. she pretends like everything is ok, but basically told me "I am not available to hang out with you at all..." I was like, but why????? Sometimes we just have to give them time. Everyone is going through something and we need to be patient...(even though it is maddening.)

 

[xjesx]

i think you both need to be open to give each other support. Granted like you said some peoples problems are bigger than others, but in an individuals world what might ruining at that time is big for them.

The way its described is that your friend came to you to vent and you responded with your problems. You both sound like you need a shoulder and maybe right now each of your problems are competing for attention. perhaps at this moment you cant be each others shoulder but after the wrinkles are ironed out you two will be able to hug it out.

Cold = grump and pregnancy with sickness = no fun!!!

I hope it turns out - your friendship and your current job situation.

 

[Skywalker]

Thanks guys! I did talk to her and told her I am trying my best to be here for her but I've never been in such a scary and stressful situation in my life, because while I've been through some scrapes in life, I never had another life depending on me until now. She understood after that. To last poster, she did come to me with her problems and I exclusively discussed her problems with her for a good few minutes before bringing up what was going on with me, and I only really brought it up in the spirit of, "Yeah, I'm going through stuff too so I can empathize!" When I explained that to her as well, she understood. With my other friend, the slightest thing happens in her life and it is like the world is ending, but if I ever bring up a problem of mine to her she reacts without sympathy or even says something that is basically the equivalent of, "Well you think getting shot in the head while being burned alive is bad? I got a paper cut today!" Lol. She does definitely get into pissing contests, and I don't want to have anything to do with pissing contests. I generally like it just when my friends and I can share good news with each other and that's how we are most of the time, but if one or both of us is going through a bad time, I think it's perfectly rational to each spend a bit of time talking to the other person about their troubles as opposed to ONLY talking about theirs, etc. I just want to scream at some people and be like okay seriously, put yourself in my shoes for one moment. I'm not asking for sympathy from people, just understanding, because like pp said, I'm plucky I'll figure this out one way or another because I know it's no one's responsibility to figure it out but mine, and I have no other choice but to figure it out, but in the meantime, I would like to not hear other people try to downgrade what I'm going through or compare it to their problems which might be large to them but I guarantee if they were going through what I am going through, they would see the difference in magnitude between being aggravated because your work environment isn't ideal and being pregnant, suddenly single, suddenly homeless and suddenly jobless and stuck in a country 8,000 miles away from home. Litttttlleeee bit different magnitude there Or like the other friend, who tried to compare my problems to the fact that her sink just broke and she had to get a new one and she was angry with her OH for putting it in wrong. Maybe I should just save myself the aggravation and not talk to these people for a while lol.

Thank you all for your responses, sorry for my rant. I just feel like pregnant woman in general go through a TON of stuff already just with pregnancy and many of us have stressful life situations going on as well and we don't always get the understanding we need or deserve and it is so frustrating. I don't expect red carpets or free rides or sympathy or any of that from people, but I would LIKE if they could put themselves in my shoes and then show a little empathy towards me, you know? Just sooooo frustrating to me. I do always show empathy towards my friends when they come to me with their problems, even though they're smaller than mine are right now, because I do truly understand that everyone's problems' sizes are relative to that persons' viewpoint. I just wish the same courtesy would be extended to me! Gr. Lol. Okay, that's my second rant! I think I'm done ranting. Thank you ladies for listening and understanding! This board is so wonderful I might lose my mind without it.

 

[nini0914]

 

[redlemonade]

I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through sky. But, you should know that, when I read your posts, I imagine an incredibly strong woman; someone so courageous and who knows her own mind. How you're handling all of this is actually very admirable.

I'm sorry that your family aren't in a position to help you out right now but I hope that they can perhaps club together and try get the money together to get you home?

 

[Skywalker]

I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through sky. But, you should know that, when I read your posts, I imagine an incredibly strong woman; someone so courageous and who knows her own mind. How you're handling all of this is actually very admirable.

I'm sorry that your family aren't in a position to help you out right now but I hope that they can perhaps club together and try get the money together to get you home?

Thank you so much for your sweet words I don't feel strong sometimes but I know there's not really an option to be weak right now because this baby is depending on me! My family are all lovely, even my ex-OH's family are so supportive. I haven't asked anyone for money because I don't feel like I can pay them back for a long while with the financial situation I'm now in and I hate owing people money. Luckily, at my church, there is a mediator person and I've made her aware of the situation and she's going to talk to my ex-OH and put a bit of pressure on him, and I've also talked to ex-OH's sister who is going to put a bit of pressure on him. My family might be able to pitch in and get me home but really the weight of obligation of owing people money just destroys friendships and I've borrowed money from friends and family in the past and it's never a comfortable feeling, even if I am able to pay them back right away. I'm hoping that ex-OH finally snaps back to reality and keeps his agreement to pay for the plane ticket and pay me a very small wage to continue working remotely for him (it's literally less than half what he's paying me now. I was thinking about it and it makes no sense for him not to just agree to let me work remotely - he gets valuable work from me that makes him thousands of dollars and more than pays for what he's paying me, I'm not asking him for any more in child support, and the longer he stubbornly refuses to pay me, the longer it makes me have to stay here in this country working for him earning DOUBLE from him what he's arguing about paying me when I go back to the States. Totally irrational, so he just needs someone to talk some sense into him and I think once enough people do he'll realize he is being ridiculous) So hopefully it all gets straightened out today and over the next few days. Then I'd at least only have to look for a part-time job to supplement the rest of my income as opposed to looking for a full-time job while I'm throwing up and obviously pregnant (can't hide the bump) which I imagine would be a challenge, whereas looking for part-time work while pregnant, I could imagine an employer being like, "Well, it's only part-time so it doesn't have as big of an impact as if she were full-time when she takes maternity leave" you know? Or I'll just get another client to work for remotely. But I know I have to think of SOMETHING. If there is one thing I've learned in life is that no one is ever going to come to my rescue. No one ever has and I've more or less been on my own since being a pre-teen. Some people mean well and say they'll be there for you when the chips are down, but it's never safe to really fully trust that because when the chips actually ARE down and you haven't made any other plan but to trust that this person will be there for you and they flake out, what are you left with? So I always just plan my own way because stuff like this happens, ex-OH backs out of his agreements, my other client backs out of their hiring process on me, even my family member who loves me and desperately wants to help me suddenly had to revoke her offer for me to stay with her because her fiance is not okay with it. The rug gets pulled out from under even the best laid plans and it was sort of silly of me to forget that and not have another plan lined up, but I'm just trying to think on my feet now and come up with another solution, fast. I know I can do it. I just want to wear a sign on myself that says, "NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN TO ME RIGHT NOW!" Lol. I highly doubt that many people I know have ever been in a situation like I'm in, and I'm not trying to make myself out to be a total victim - I created this situation with a series of bad decisions. It's not anyone else's fault that I'm in this situation, so it shouldn't be anyone else's responsibility to dig me out of it. I love that I can come here to these boards and talk about this and get real empathy and understanding. I wish that some of my friends were capable of giving that but also some of my friends have lived very sheltered lives where they haven't experienced many bad things. I basically had to raise myself on the other hand and I sometimes was an awful parent to myself and got myself in bad situations with bad decisions So there's a VERY vast chasm of experience between some of my friends and I, so I do understand that they probably just can't imagine what it would be like to be in a situation like mine and so it's very unreal to them and they don't even comprehend it at all, so they just talk about their problems. I can get that. I need to try to remember not to be so harsh on other people just because they haven't been in a situation like mine. It IS frustrating to be me and to be on the receiving end of someone's lack of understanding, but I do understand where it could come from I suppose.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand rant number three! LOL! Sorry. Guess I have a lot to say on this topic. Thanks again, so much. This forum and this thread is really helping me to get through this and not feel so alone.

 

[redlemonade]

I really hope that person at your church and your ex OHs sister can talk your ex OH around. It sounds like he changes his mind frequently and isn't very dependable. Well your LO will benefit from having a mama that's so strong, regardless of what dad is like

I hope everything works out and I'm sure it will. Stay positive. I will keep my fingers crossed that its all smooth sailing from here.

 

[Misscalais]

Sorry you're going through so much Hun I'd be a wreak if I were in your situation. I'm only 5 hrs away from my mum and that's tough, can't imagine having no one in the same country as me. Hopefully you can get things sorted so you can make it back to the states with a place to go, even if its just your mums couch until you can find something more permanent. The sooner you can get over there the sooner you'll be able to organise things. Hopefully you can come up with some money to get over there.

 

[DD80]

Honestly, I'm not surprised to see that your ex fell through on his end of the bargain. I'm very sad for you, but he is too much of a control freak to let you go. You are looking at the situation too normally and rationally when you think that if he just pays you for part time work, then you get to leave. That's true in normal people world, but in his world, once you leave, he can't control you anymore. Working for him and expecting anything from him is just...bad news.

Is there a friend that you can move in with temporarily there? Can you sell your things (what is Australia's craigslist?) ASAP? Is there a temp company you can get some work from? I'd ask about fast food, but with your poor tummy, I'd say not... I'd work anywhere, but his company...anywhere. Sometimes we have to rely on the kindness of other's for awhile. You can cook dinner or clean their house for them while you stay with them...pay for groceries...whatever. If it wasn't for a friend of mine, I would have never gotten away.

I'm really, really sorry that you are going through all this and I really wish you all the best.

 

[Skywalker]

Honestly, I'm not surprised to see that your ex fell through on his end of the bargain. I'm very sad for you, but he is too much of a control freak to let you go. You are looking at the situation too normally and rationally when you think that if he just pays you for part time work, then you get to leave. That's true in normal people world, but in his world, once you leave, he can't control you anymore. Working for him and expecting anything from him is just...bad news.

Is there a friend that you can move in with temporarily there? Can you sell your things (what is Australia's craigslist?) ASAP? Is there a temp company you can get some work from? I'd ask about fast food, but with your poor tummy, I'd say not... I'd work anywhere, but his company...anywhere. Sometimes we have to rely on the kindness of other's for awhile. You can cook dinner or clean their house for them while you stay with them...pay for groceries...whatever. If it wasn't for a friend of mine, I would have never gotten away.

I'm really, really sorry that you are going through all this and I really wish you all the best.

Thank you all, again! I find it hard to reply to everyone when I get these overwhelmingly awesome replies but I've read all of them and I agree!

It does actually make quite a lot of sense, what you're saying. Because he does treat me with disdain most of the time, even asks impatiently when I'm leaving, etc., but his actions are putting the breaks on my ability to leave. That didn't make sense to me before why he would do that, but not having me here anymore to control really makes it suddenly make sense. A lot, actually. I do need his financial support in whatever capacity he can give it because I have NOTHING set up in the States, at all, and if I was feeling fine I'd be totally okay with going and applying for all sorts of full-time jobs, but I'm not. I'm throwing up almost daily, feeling so rotten, and I'm concerned that being obviously pregnant, I'm going to get discriminated against for a full-time position. Who is going to want to hire a 3 month pregnant woman? Even if I don't tell them, it would be obvious with my bump that I really can't hide, and with vomiting... I'd have to tell them. Anyway I know that's worrying about things that may or may not occur. I do want to see if he can agree, even temporarily to pay me for working for him. I put a lot into this company and even though it's attached to him it is also like my baby, and seeing him drop all promotional actions makes me wince because it's going to crash the inflow of jobs and then I feel like all of my work was for nothing, and I enjoy doing it and can still do it from home. I'm going to try to still do the remote work for him if I can. If I can't and he's really just stupid about it, then I will have to try to live off of what I sell. There's a craigslist-like website here called TradeMe that I intend to sell my stuff on, and my mother said she is sending around an e-mail to my family to get donations for a plane ticket home since my ex-OH is being ridiculous about the air plane money. I find it hard to accept that because I feel like I will owe everyone and I can't immediately pay anyone back, and that's not the foot I want to get off on when I first see my family again. "Hi, I haven't seen you in almost a decade! Now give me money because I'm pregnant and I'm stranded." I feel ridiculous that my mom sent that e-mail around asking for money for a plane ticket, even if none of my family think I'm ridiculous. I can't believe the situation has turned into this. One day, I was an executive making more than enough to live on, the next day, this. It's embarrassing. But I do know there's more than just my personal pride at stake here and the baby is the absolute most important consideration, so I will do what is right by her regardless of whether or not I like it. I do agree that the sooner I get there, the sooner I can organize things. It's almost impossible to organize a job internationally. I do the hiring at this company and I hate interviewing people internationally on Skype and e-mail and I only do it if I absolutely have to or if I really like their resume. Anyway... not a fun situation to be in, but there are solutions, and I'm not going to turn my nose up at them even though I find some of them a bit hard to swallow. I hope that my ex-OH can have sense talked into him because he is not always completely irrational. If he can help me in this situation, it will make things so much smoother. He changes his mind, he is so fickle. He makes a promise only to say he's completely changed his mind later and so the promise is then null. It's crazy, I can't trust anything he says. I'm really stupid for trusting the original agreements we made but he seemed so rational when we made them. Hopefully he can be rational again, otherwise, I'm going to have to make it on my own somehow.

Thanks again for all of your replies!

 

[kerri28]

I really can relate to the friends that act like there life is so awful compared to carrying and growing a human being inside your body. My friend thinks her life is over and she needs to start her entire life over because she needs to break up with her bf. but even though she knows it's unhealthy she needs to wait till she's absolutely ready in other words she's an addicted to copdependancy. She has even said well how am I supposed to go meet someone when your pregnant? I'll have no one to go out with so I can find someone new. My response was that my life and choices don't determine how your life goes, how is me being pregnant have anything to do with you meeting a man?? She is just ridiculous. They called their wedding off because she wants kids and he doesn't and he is controlling and possesive. How can she think all that is bigger than being on bed rest because of a hemorrhage during pregnancy. Yes frustrating when people have such minor life challenges and don't even know what life really is. I feel for you!

 

[DD80]

Don't worry about "taking" money from family. Honestly, I only know you from a few posts, and I would totally donate a few bucks for you to get a plane ticket, so your family probably thinks nothing of it and is happy to do it. My ex used to promise things and then I'd do something to piss him off, it was always him getting upset with me because I called him on something he said he would do. Anyway, my point is, he is going to play with you because he can and he knows you need him...it is all a game to him. He will find someone to do what you do (I wouldn't be surprised if he had someone lined up). You are beyond dependent on him right now and he loves that...he will do anything to keep you that way.

I understand the international job issue - it was hard enough to get a job a few two states away. Focus on selling your stuff because that's what is holding you there. Pack all the stuff you are planning to take. That money will take you here. Once you're here, you have a temporary place to stay and you can work anywhere. You can find a roommate (craigslist again!).

I understand that you feel scared and stuck. I'm also sorry that you are so sick. Now is the time to be strong and have tunnel vision with your goals.

 

[Larkspur]

Wow, I'm sorry you've had such a terrible week after everything was really looking up earlier. I hope you manage to get everything sorted - I'm sure you will, you seem very resourceful - and that you find a generous listening ear in real life as well as online. It really sucks when people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't spare a thought for anyone else.

With that in mind, I would encourage you to go gentle on this friend.

On top of THAT the other client I was going to be working for backed out of making a decision on hiring me right now because her partner just had a seizure and it's "too stressful" for her to think about (she is also my friend and knows I am pregnant and need this job)

If they were offering you a job, I guess that means they have their own business ... so her husband having a seizure must be one of the most stressful things that could happen to them. It sounds a bit like you're only thinking of how badly this situation is affecting you (and it definitely sucks, I understand that), but maybe this is an opportunity to show the compassion that you're hoping for from others too.

 

[kerri28]

Don't worry about "taking" money from family. Honestly, I only know you from a few posts, and I would totally donate a few bucks for you to get a plane ticket, so your family probably thinks nothing of it and is happy to do it. My ex used to promise things and then I'd do something to piss him off, it was always him getting upset with me because I called him on something he said he would do. Anyway, my point is, he is going to play with you because he can and he knows you need him...it is all a game to him. He will find someone to do what you do (I wouldn't be surprised if he had someone lined up). You are beyond dependent on him right now and he loves that...he will do anything to keep you that way.

I understand the international job issue - it was hard enough to get a job a few two states away. Focus on selling your stuff because that's what is holding you there. Pack all the stuff you are planning to take. That money will take you here. Once you're here, you have a temporary place to stay and you can work anywhere. You can find a roommate (craigslist again!).

I understand that you feel scared and stuck. I'm also sorry that you are so sick. Now is the time to be strong and have tunnel vision with your goals.

While Craigslist is very resourceful, I personally, especially in my field of work and study, would not recommend an expecting mother to find a roommate on craigslist. I have seen too many cases where things appeared great and ended not so great. I will say though baby goods and furniture is a great find but never go in the persons home alone, ask of they can meet you in public or have the furniture outside the home for pick up. When possible meet in public and bring someone. Many cities and states also have some awesome and much more safe called Freecycle- it's a yahoo based group that works through emails. Everything is free and it's so great! Very blessed to have discovered it!

 

[Skywalker]

Wow, I'm sorry you've had such a terrible week after everything was really looking up earlier. I hope you manage to get everything sorted - I'm sure you will, you seem very resourceful - and that you find a generous listening ear in real life as well as online. It really sucks when people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't spare a thought for anyone else.

With that in mind, I would encourage you to go gentle on this friend.

On top of THAT the other client I was going to be working for backed out of making a decision on hiring me right now because her partner just had a seizure and it's "too stressful" for her to think about (she is also my friend and knows I am pregnant and need this job)

If they were offering you a job, I guess that means they have their own business ... so her husband having a seizure must be one of the most stressful things that could happen to them. It sounds a bit like you're only thinking of how badly this situation is affecting you (and it definitely sucks, I understand that), but maybe this is an opportunity to show the compassion that you're hoping for from others too.

No, her husband is also my friend and I made sure to be ultra supportive throughout this. This is the same friend who was pissed off at me for daring to be upset when my fiance broke up with me a few years ago because she felt I should be falling all over her with sympathy for being sick, when she was actually fine. So this is sort of a pattern with her, and the seizure, I found out, was not bad and he is completely fine now and simply has been told he's not okay to drive for now but is totally fine to work and do everything else. So the only stress is that she has to drive him places, and they can continue to work. I do understand that it is stressful, still, which is why I've been supportive of her, but the fact that both of them are still at work working in their company and she can't hire me because of this is a bit silly. She knows that I was relying on this and it is a simple matter of showing my resume to her finance and him saying yes or no, and if anything I would help unload the stress because what I do increases sales for every company I've worked for, and I would do so remotely. It would be like suddenly having a money fairy creating business for them lol. So it just really bothers me. I do feel for both of them and believe me I was very concerned when I first found out but was relieved when I discovered the doctors were not worried and he's basically been given the all clear, and though they aren't sure exactly what caused the seizure that's also a good thing because they couldn't physically find anything, and just said no to driving as a precaution. So anyway that was my rant there, and I didn't even say any of this to her. I said I understood and whenever they could look at hiring me, I would be happy to work for them, because that's really how I feel, but I do feel like she is massively overreacting about the seizure. I have another friend who has epilepsy and she occasionally has seizures, but she just lives life as normal. If it ends up being epilepsy for him, it sucks tremendously, but it is not the end of the world. He is not going to die, he can still work, even my friend with epilepsy is allowed to drive as long as she is taking her medication, so he'd eventually even be able to drive most likely. So while I do understand that's not something that is good in life, it is also not such a big problem that it should consume my friend's every thought and make her too stressed out to even pass on a resume when her friend really needs her to, is my only problem with it, and for now they've even ruled out epilepsy, so that's not even a concern. No tumor, etc.

 

[Skywalker]

Don't worry about "taking" money from family. Honestly, I only know you from a few posts, and I would totally donate a few bucks for you to get a plane ticket, so your family probably thinks nothing of it and is happy to do it. My ex used to promise things and then I'd do something to piss him off, it was always him getting upset with me because I called him on something he said he would do. Anyway, my point is, he is going to play with you because he can and he knows you need him...it is all a game to him. He will find someone to do what you do (I wouldn't be surprised if he had someone lined up). You are beyond dependent on him right now and he loves that...he will do anything to keep you that way.

I understand the international job issue - it was hard enough to get a job a few two states away. Focus on selling your stuff because that's what is holding you there. Pack all the stuff you are planning to take. That money will take you here. Once you're here, you have a temporary place to stay and you can work anywhere. You can find a roommate (craigslist again!).

I understand that you feel scared and stuck. I'm also sorry that you are so sick. Now is the time to be strong and have tunnel vision with your goals.

I agree. His dad is actually driving from 3-4 hours away to come here on Friday to kick my ex-OH's butt. He's so heartbroken and upset with his actions. He's even offered to pay for my plane fare home, saying it is the least he can do for his unborn grandchild. I agree on selling the stuff and then finding work once I'm there. I'm sorry you went through this situation as well and I'm so glad you're out of it now! I will be so relieved when I am out of it, too