Long but sad story.....need advice from someone with experience

[Meagle7639]

Im sorry this is so long but I dont know what to do. Im currently pregnant with my first child and a soon to be step grandma too. My husband has two girls ages 19 and 17. The 19 year old is the one thats pregnant.
When the 19 year old was still in the house things were good.....baking christmas cookies...game nights...no fighting or arguing. Then she got a bf. Hes 19 already has one kid he doesnt take care of, lives on a friends grandpas couch, works construction so he doesnt have to drug test, and was a high school drop out. She was continuously sneaking him over after my hubby went to work. So we politely asked her to refrain from having him over when her dad wasnt home until we get to know him. She said ok but did it everyday anyway. Several times, her dad caught her lieing or not being where she said she was and leaving her sister home alone all the time. The only things her father asked of her was to stay home occasionally so her sister wasnt alone all the time, help a little around the house, and be where she could be reached in case of an emergency. The final straw came in Feb when my hubby caught her where he was staying when she said she was somewhere else for the 100th time. He didnt even have to go searching...she parked her car on the road that was on his way home. He texted her and told her that if she couldnt follow the rules, she needed to find someplace else to stay and she wasnt taking her car or the cell phone he pays for with her. She decided she was leaving and sat there stone cold as her dad cried and begged her not to leave.
She bounced around in various friends and relatives homes till her and her bf moved into a camper with no bathroom or electricity. She continuously caused fights between her mother, my husband, her sister, me and various other family members. She blamed her dad for her and her bfs living situation because he wouldnt give her the car back so she could keep her job. Honestly, he wouldve had to take it anyway because he couldnt afford to drive his pickup anymore due to gas prices.
The weekend before our wedding, she texted her dad to tell him she was pregnant. She knew several weeks before but chose the choice time of telling him while she was with her mother and her sister who shouldnt have been involved. Understandably, my hubby was highly angry and upset. His belief, as is mine, if you think youre old enough to be sexually active, you should be responsible enough to take care of the consequences. He told her she was stupid for being so irresponsible for an innocent life. They have no money, no vehicle, hes laid off all the time, no decent housing, not even a phone to call 911 in an emergency. Where they live there is no grocery store, no DRs office, or anything for several miles. But yet everytime anyone shows concern for her and her babys situation, her POS mother gets involved and tries to paint this fantasy of everything being fine and everyone needs to shut their mouth. I tried to talk to the girl about options....income based housing...moving in with her mother....government aid ect. She refuses to move or do anything because her bf wont move due to being in a band. Her bf will buy things for himself and refuse to buy her food and lets her go hungry continously. Needless to say, her dad hasnt spoke to her in months....the only time she tries to talk to him is if she wants something. Her POS mother pushed her to marry this guy a few weeks ago so now they are legally bound together. They have moved in a house with other people from the band who do drugs and other not so good things. Everytime we try to let her in emotionally, she slams the door shut with insults and meaness. Her dad just cant go through it anymore and neither can I. Nothing we say or do makes either her or her mother happy enough to stop the drama. Im concerned for my family and my baby. Im worried that once she realizes that I have baby stuff too she'll try and steal it like she did with other things before. I dont want to expose my child to her venom and meaness. Her dad or me has done nothing to warrant such hate. Its obvious shes a very emotionally distrubed girl but she will not take any advice or help. What does a parent do when your child quits college, runs off, and gets in this bad of a situation within 4 months. Its a lot to handle. I know there will be more drama coming up when it comes time for hers and my babies to be born. I just dont think we can handle being at the birth of hers or her at ours. Especially after the last time she spoke to me, she said some horrendous things about me and her dad. That really burned the bridge for us. I hate to see my hubby so hurt. All he wanted was for everyone to be happy

 

[bets83]

This is a very difficult and sad situation as you mention. I am very sorry that you and your husband are going through this emotional rollercoaster. I have not been in a situation like this, but just wanted to say that you and your husband were right to have consequences for her lying.

The best step to take next would be to sit down with your husband and write down some boundaries in regard to your step daughter. Such as, we will allow her over for visits to the family home, only if she is supervised by a parent and on good behavior. Or we will allow phone conversations of a friendly manner, but will hang up should they become angry, argumentative, or involve name calling. It would be good to share these boundaries you create with your step daughter, so she knows she is loved and welcomed, but at the same time is expected to act like an adult. Disrespect, lying, and stealing will not be tolerated in your home, consistent with previous consequences.

Then, just see how things go from there, contact with her can increase or decrease over time, dependent on her behavior. It puts the ball in her court. If you can get her to agree to some type of counseling/therapy with your husband even better. Just remember, these boundaries are very important as you and your husband raise your own child, they will provide some protection for both you and the baby. Do not allow your step daughter to make you or your husband feel guilty for these boundaries, you are showing her the right path to take...you will be creating a support system that will help improve her life if she is willing to try.

Additionally, I am sure that your step daughter is angry and looking for attention, she is also hurt and despite begin 19, still a child herself. If possible, you and your husband should communicate to her that you are also sad and hurt that the situation took the turn that it did, but do still love her, want the best for her, and are willing to be supportive members in her life, as long as she keeps up with the rules/respect.

If she refuses to participate, you and your husband will have to find a way to accept it, but you can always keep reminding her that you love her and are willing to work on the problems if she is too. In the end, it is very hard to let go, if that is the choice your step daughter makes, but you will be able to say that you tried your best and made the options available. We cannot make the right choices for other people, just present the options and hope for the best. Create those boundaries and stick to them!

 

[jennijunni]

Honestly, it is time to let her go. She will come back. But since she treats you so badly and your DH too, and you have a child together to worry about, and she is 19, not a minor, let her go. Let her live her life, and trust me she will be back, it may take a while, you need to let her know you love her, and you are always there, but she is an adult now, and needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like she wants to be an "adult" so let her mother take care of her, and see how that goes. Hugs, teens are a PITA!! LOL!

 

[nikkip75]

Honestly, it is time to let her go. She will come back. But since she treats you so badly and your DH too, and you have a child together to worry about, and she is 19, not a minor, let her go. Let her live her life, and trust me she will be back, it may take a while, you need to let her know you love her, and you are always there, but she is an adult now, and needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like she wants to be an "adult" so let her mother take care of her, and see how that goes. Hugs, teens are a PITA!! LOL!

I agree with this. Give her time, she will have a lot of growing up to do over the near future and one day she will realise how much she needs ALL of her family around her, she will come back.

I went a bit of the rails when I was the same age. Had my eldest daughter to a useless piece of crap because I thought he was the bees knees. It took a couple of years of him cheating, stealing from me and my family and lieing constantly! But I grew up and got rid and built some bridges.

I hope it all works out for you all

 

[heyyady]

Bottom line is this is your husbands daughter and grandchild we're talking about- The baby is the innocent one- s/he didn't ask to be born into this volatile situation. My suggestion is you do things to help THE BABY. No cash- Gifts and gift cards- maybe a bag of groceries here and there- help her out where you can- I really feel if you turn your backs on them completely you will regret it down the road.