Hi, my husband and I were married in 2009 but he wasn't ready for a baby, I waited 4 years for him to be ready as I didn't agree with some people suggesting I 'trick' him and get pregnant by 'accident'. Our first month we conceived. It was a very up and down pregnancy with bleeding throughout and me suffering with stress from family and work which caused spotting but at 39 weeks I went into natural labour and had my little girl in February 2013.
When she was 16 months we decided to try for baby num 2. Once again I got pregnant quickly and once again had bleeding etc in my first trimester. I didn't think much of it because I'd had it with my daughter. When I got to 11 weeks I lost a big clot which freaked me out. I'd been told from a previous scan that there was a blood clot behind the placenta and was worried something had happened. I was booked for a scan and it showed a baby at 11 weeks +4 alive, happy and kicking like a trooper. I was sent home told not to worry about anything. 3 days later I started to contract, went to hospital and birthed a perfect tiny baby at exactly 12 weeks. They couldn't see anything wrong. And I never heard any further findings if there were some, but I have researched since and found that women who had my condition were told to rest as much as possible, which I didn't do. Am sure it ment the placenta detached and my baby died. I went on to bleed from this for 6weeks before I was offered a scan which showed I had retained products and was in surgery that eve for a erpc. Just happened to fall on my birthday and was already struggling. I stopped bleeding long enough for us to go on holiday. 2 weeks of no bleeding, then it started again, for 2 weeks I didn't know why till I did a test and found I was pregnant again. Unplanned and super scary. Went for a scan to be told nothing was there and that I'd already lost the baby for a second time before I even hit 5 weeks. A blood test confirmed it.
I told my husband not to touch me for a few months and I shut down. My daughter and I stopped going out, I couldn't do the things I used to do for her (messy play, painting etc). I stopped talking to friends, especially the ones who were due around the same time as I was with my first. I even left Facebook. Feb this year I started to feel better and started to be intimate with my hubby again, he got a new job, I took on more hours nannying and tutoring and I started to try talking to friends again. I had one group who now blank me completely (which hurts as they have had losses too), and a few others who now make no effort. But I have a few really super friends who have been there every step of the way and encouraged me to come out or come see me and my daughter.
In this time I got pregnant again, we were happier with this one and I felt more positive, I had spotting at the start again which scared me but I put it to the back of my mind. I was booked in for a 6 week scan the day after my first due date at the end of March. A week before I should have been 5 weeks and I started to spot, then bleed then have cramps. I passed that baby too on a Sunday. I was encouraged to go to my scan still but I couldn't step foot into the hospital. Which prompted phone calls from the hospital and my doc (for the first time) expressing serious concern of my mental health. I explained that I would like to see them enter a room full of pregnant woman all happy and your entering knowing you should either be holding a newborn or be close to it but instead you've lost your 3rd kid in a row.
I have found things extremely hard as I'm on my 2nd period since that loss, and I was hoping to be pregnant, but for the first time I didn't get pregnant straight away, even though that's probably a good thing. I'm in for testing and was told we could wait to ttc or go for it. I have my results appointment this month so will hopefully get some answers.
My friends who have supported me I worry that I get to negative for them and I have so few friends left I don't want to risk loosing them too. They keep telling me I will have my rainbow and I would love for it to be true but right now I can't see how someone can have a healthy pregnancy and a toddler (even though I see it everyday!!!) I just can't see how I can cope. I'm a full time mum and have 2 jobs to try and help support my husbands dream job. I have school pick up 2 days a week and tutoring 2 days a week and swimming lessons for my daughter that 1 last day. I keep our days before work simple with nothing that has to be done other than visit my gran once a week. I want this sibling for my daughter so badly. I want to relax and be like other women but the one thing I have wanted in my life was to be a mum and a good one, but now I feel like a failure to my angel babies and my earth one. Please don't think my little girl is neglected, she's not, she's well developed with boundaries and oh so much love because she's my only baby to survive me.
I just want life to feel happier, rather full of fear of blood and cramps.
When she was 16 months we decided to try for baby num 2. Once again I got pregnant quickly and once again had bleeding etc in my first trimester. I didn't think much of it because I'd had it with my daughter. When I got to 11 weeks I lost a big clot which freaked me out. I'd been told from a previous scan that there was a blood clot behind the placenta and was worried something had happened. I was booked for a scan and it showed a baby at 11 weeks +4 alive, happy and kicking like a trooper. I was sent home told not to worry about anything. 3 days later I started to contract, went to hospital and birthed a perfect tiny baby at exactly 12 weeks. They couldn't see anything wrong. And I never heard any further findings if there were some, but I have researched since and found that women who had my condition were told to rest as much as possible, which I didn't do. Am sure it ment the placenta detached and my baby died. I went on to bleed from this for 6weeks before I was offered a scan which showed I had retained products and was in surgery that eve for a erpc. Just happened to fall on my birthday and was already struggling. I stopped bleeding long enough for us to go on holiday. 2 weeks of no bleeding, then it started again, for 2 weeks I didn't know why till I did a test and found I was pregnant again. Unplanned and super scary. Went for a scan to be told nothing was there and that I'd already lost the baby for a second time before I even hit 5 weeks. A blood test confirmed it.
I told my husband not to touch me for a few months and I shut down. My daughter and I stopped going out, I couldn't do the things I used to do for her (messy play, painting etc). I stopped talking to friends, especially the ones who were due around the same time as I was with my first. I even left Facebook. Feb this year I started to feel better and started to be intimate with my hubby again, he got a new job, I took on more hours nannying and tutoring and I started to try talking to friends again. I had one group who now blank me completely (which hurts as they have had losses too), and a few others who now make no effort. But I have a few really super friends who have been there every step of the way and encouraged me to come out or come see me and my daughter.
In this time I got pregnant again, we were happier with this one and I felt more positive, I had spotting at the start again which scared me but I put it to the back of my mind. I was booked in for a 6 week scan the day after my first due date at the end of March. A week before I should have been 5 weeks and I started to spot, then bleed then have cramps. I passed that baby too on a Sunday. I was encouraged to go to my scan still but I couldn't step foot into the hospital. Which prompted phone calls from the hospital and my doc (for the first time) expressing serious concern of my mental health. I explained that I would like to see them enter a room full of pregnant woman all happy and your entering knowing you should either be holding a newborn or be close to it but instead you've lost your 3rd kid in a row.
I have found things extremely hard as I'm on my 2nd period since that loss, and I was hoping to be pregnant, but for the first time I didn't get pregnant straight away, even though that's probably a good thing. I'm in for testing and was told we could wait to ttc or go for it. I have my results appointment this month so will hopefully get some answers.
My friends who have supported me I worry that I get to negative for them and I have so few friends left I don't want to risk loosing them too. They keep telling me I will have my rainbow and I would love for it to be true but right now I can't see how someone can have a healthy pregnancy and a toddler (even though I see it everyday!!!) I just can't see how I can cope. I'm a full time mum and have 2 jobs to try and help support my husbands dream job. I have school pick up 2 days a week and tutoring 2 days a week and swimming lessons for my daughter that 1 last day. I keep our days before work simple with nothing that has to be done other than visit my gran once a week. I want this sibling for my daughter so badly. I want to relax and be like other women but the one thing I have wanted in my life was to be a mum and a good one, but now I feel like a failure to my angel babies and my earth one. Please don't think my little girl is neglected, she's not, she's well developed with boundaries and oh so much love because she's my only baby to survive me.
I just want life to feel happier, rather full of fear of blood and cramps.
