Looking for advice

[Kristin83]

Hi everyone!

I have been using this forum for awhile (it helped me get through my cycle of ICSI) and am now looking for advice for a friend.

She has been trying to get pregnant for about a year now (she is 32, OH is a few years younger) and is having no luck. Her OH had surgery when he was younger due to undescended testicles (which is the same thing that happened with my hubby and the reason we had to use IVF) and she is worried that is the reason they arent getting pregnant.

The issue is that he is refusing to get tested and I think its because he feels that its makes him less of a man (he tells her that its not something a man talks about when she brings it up) and wont listen when she tells him how important it is to her and that its pretty common to have issues with fertility.

I'm looking for advice for her, if any of you out there had stubborn OH's that you had to really work on to go and get tested. What did you do to make it clear to him that you were serious and it was really important to you?


Thanks!!!

 

[psp2011]

first, congrats on the twins!!!

second, well, I hate to say this, but I wear him down! Not intentionally, but that's what pretty much ends up happening. I just keep mentioning it until he gets the clue. And I pretty much always get what I am asking for.
I wonder if it will be just a matter of time before he figures out that they really are not going to have kids unless he goes in?
I wish I could offer a better suggestion other than explaining why she feels he should get tested and that people do it all the time and it doesn't mean anything either way. I'm sure she already tried that.
Good luck!

 

[Kristin83]

thanks

I told her the same thing and she said he just gets more and more agitated. I feel so bad bc my hubby was all for going ahead with everything (I also called and made all his appointments lol) so i didnt have to go through what she is.

Thanks for the reply!

 

[psp2011]

hmm, well, I wonder if this could be a deal breaker for them?

 

[rachelle1975]

Hey

The same thing happened with us - apparently its the normal to do this op when boys are under 2 - DH had his done when he was 5 or 6 and resulted in him having a very low sperm count with high abnormal cells. He was reluctant to test as i think he thought perhaps it was me initially and i placated him by saying that i would get tested and then we would decide the next step after that - unfortunately despite drugs and all other things we tried for a few years it made no difference to his count because the 'damage' was caused by the op.

Once DH got his head around it he was okay but he did feel less of a man and he did get upset - in the end i told him about people who were unexplained with 'super sperm' and still needed IVF so its merely a means to an end - that sort of quietened him down!

Tell her that if he does 2 tests they will have an idea whether they need IVF or not and what they are dealing with - it doesn't mean they will need fertility treatment but they can't keep throwing time away. Once he's done a couple of tests he won't feel so bad but if he wants to be a father, he needs to do something about it and can't just wait... it took DH a long while to figure that one out unfortunately and when he did we went for private IVF

 

[Kristin83]

hmm, well, I wonder if this could be a deal breaker for them?

Unfortunatly, she just moved half way across the country to live with him. And for some reason she wont stand up to him and fight him on it...and I dont see her leaving him and coming back here. I just dont want her to be stuck and then it be too late

Hey

The same thing happened with us - apparently its the normal to do this op when boys are under 2 - DH had his done when he was 5 or 6 and resulted in him having a very low sperm count with high abnormal cells. He was reluctant to test as i think he thought perhaps it was me initially and i placated him by saying that i would get tested and then we would decide the next step after that - unfortunately despite drugs and all other things we tried for a few years it made no difference to his count because the 'damage' was caused by the op.

Once DH got his head around it he was okay but he did feel less of a man and he did get upset - in the end i told him about people who were unexplained with 'super sperm' and still needed IVF so its merely a means to an end - that sort of quietened him down!

Tell her that if he does 2 tests they will have an idea whether they need IVF or not and what they are dealing with - it doesn't mean they will need fertility treatment but they can't keep throwing time away. Once he's done a couple of tests he won't feel so bad but if he wants to be a father, he needs to do something about it and can't just wait... it took DH a long while to figure that one out unfortunately and when he did we went for private IVF

The same thing happened with my hubby! They waited till he was older too.

I told her to tell him all that the other day...his issue is going to the first test because he does want to be told he is "shooting blanks" as he put it. She also said that if she goes and gets her tests done he will feel like she is pressuring him. blah! Its so frustrating because I dont know what to tell her to help and i feel so bad

Thanks for replying!

 

[rachelle1975]

That's ok Hun, it's tough with chaps as I think we are more accepting of situations. At the end of the day he'll have sperm so there's no question about a biological child... They might just need a bit of help getting there.

Congrats on the twins!!x

 

[Kristin83]

I hope they work it all out.

Thanks!

 

[Springy]

Perhaps if they went to a Dr appointment together and the Dr tells him that it needs to be done it would be better than her telling him. Also perhaps using the analogy with him that if either of them were sick would they go to the doctor to figure out why they are sick? Yes .... well infertility is no different. You need to go and have the tests done to figure out why. It could turn out that it isn't him after all but regardless it doesn't make you less of a man if you have to have a SA done or IUI / IVF. For some people having a child is easy, for the rest of us it is a harder time and I am convinced it will only make us stronger in the end ....

I never had that issue as my DH was willing to go to make sure we had explored all avenues to figure out why we were not conceiving.

Good luck to her, not a good position to be in especially when they obliviously really want kids.

 

[Debbie82]

It must be really tough for her, we waited until we had been TTC for 2yrs before we went to docs cos prior to that DH would have been non-compliant. I'd wanted to go earlier but he wasn't ready. We compromised by saying if nothing had happened by a said date then we'd see Dr.

I'm glad I waited til DH was ready as in the past 12 months he's done someting like 5 samples his most recent today.

It's now got to the stage where giving a sample is like water of a ducks back to him. Today was his 1st time having to do it in a clinic and he declared he didn't need to glance at the supply of magazines cos he was such a pro

Anyway what I think I am trying to say is for her to get him to agree if by a certain date (obviously not too far away) nothings happened then they go gung ho