looking for support

[gustav72]

Hi All, I'm new to this thread, post infrequently, but mostly read all of your positive comments, guess I'm trying not to be so shy on here. I'm 39, TTC first child, been an interesting road (no fertility yet, still within 6 months of trying) but BFF got pregnant (with her second child, she was also TTC) and she couldn't even bear to tell me, she told me through email, pretty impersonal. I'm finding myself all alone with TTC and all of my friends have kids...feel pretty alone, other than my amazing husband who has been a huge support through all of this.

 

[Lady H]

Hiya, I "live" with some amazing Ladies on this thread https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/trying-conceive-over-35/354886-ttc-1st-child-35-a.html

All over 35 and all trying for our first. It's so supportive, feel free to pop along and join us. Xx

 

[miaculpa]

Hi All, I'm new to this thread, post infrequently, but mostly read all of your positive comments, guess I'm trying not to be so shy on here. I'm 39, TTC first child, been an interesting road (no fertility yet, still within 6 months of trying) but BFF got pregnant (with her second child, she was also TTC) and she couldn't even bear to tell me, she told me through email, pretty impersonal. I'm finding myself all alone with TTC and all of my friends have kids...feel pretty alone, other than my amazing husband who has been a huge support through all of this.

sending you LOADS of :babydust:

I know how difficult it is to watch others fall pregnant :/ *hugs*

 

[2have4kids]

I can relate in having ALL of my friends with young families having had second and third kids and already in school. I feel pangs of alienation however there are unique benefits to having a late family:

• the wisdom to not make some of the mistakes they did (all their advice has been really great)
• many of them will be getting rid of clothing, strollers and they really do have the COOLEST toys that we'll possibly inherit thanks to their generosity
• I'm going to have a unique shower when I do finally get preggers, will be asking for only gently used or second hand things, I don't want to squeeze my already financially burdened parent friends with a gift grab by me (plus that's how I've felt at some of their showers, one girl even had 2 showers before and after the babies arrived expecting gifts OWCH)
• I am probably a little better off financially compared to them because we've waited, we've had some fantastic holidays and the comments on my FB have reminded me that with children this wouldn't be possible
• I think my wise friends will help with babysitting a little and if they dont their kids might! What a bonus, my mom has already said she refuses to babysit for us (boohoo, I've got to speak to her about how she's hurt me by saying this so coldly, when the time comes)

 

[PositiveUs]

I'm 39 as well. Welcome. We are all here to listen to each other. It's a great place to find answers and advice and just have someone to tell things to that no one else really understands. My 2 best girlfriends are pregnant now and just found out about a more distant friend that I don't see very much is prego as well as my fiance's friends wife. Some of them are their first and second children. They are all 3-5 years younger than me. Good luck on this journey!

 

[GG76]

Welcome! This is a great place! It is nice to have the emotional support and encouragement of others that are in similiar places in their lives.

 

[gustav72]

Thanks everyone for the support!

 

[Plenora]

Gustav,
you have my full support, everything you describe is the way I'm feeling! It is very isolating when everyone around you has their family and you're left on the trying shelf so to speak.

I know there are benefits to not having kids all the things you can still do....But I feel like I've been doing those things for such a long time and I'm more than ready for the change!

I cried the last time a friend told me they were pregnant! Not in front of her, held it in till I got home, but it hit me really hard. Then afterwards I felt bad for feeling bad, so many emotions to deal with!

I don't know a single soul close to me who is in my situaton so it's great to have a place like this to discuss things. Here of all places people should understand.

Best of luck to you and hope you're not here too long. For me it is now Eight months this time round and counting (that's officially trying, not counting the months we had unprotected and the previous years I tried...this has been a long journey so far and looking forward to the new adventure soon hopefully)

 

[BDownmommie]

I totally get how you feel - i literally just broke down in my office when my bff emailed me and said 'guess what?' - now i feel like a selfish person.

You can have my total support and help in any way i can - i am 35 and been trying for 6 months - and well, off to see a specialist becuase i have been hounding my doc for the last 3 months to get me in. DH has 4 kids already, i haven't had any and sooooo desperately want. DH wants too (he got a reversal to prove it) but not as badly i guess

I can't seem to talk to anyone these days without them asking if im preggers yet - and each time, i almost break down and cry = NO YOU IDIOTS DONT YOU THINK ID TELL YOU - SCREAMING IT TO THE WORLD - well thats what i want to answer, but i just politely say 'nope, not yet' and laugh it off (and die a little more on the inside)

I just moved to a new area, so really i don't know anyone - so i can't turn to people around me - DH works odd hours and he's cryptic about his emotions - family is an interesting story, have one, don't talk to them ....so basically, its me and my overactive brain that deal with the empty uterus every month....

oh - and the gf's i do have most of them (all but 2) are about ready to pop or have just found out about a bun in the oven!!! yay me (I get i t- selfish thoughts)

so ummm....ya - totally glad to offer support - feel the same way

 

[viccat]

I felt okay in my early 30s when I had friends with new babies. I had only just met my lovely hubby-to-be and was enjoying the new romance. I was also fine as the babies became toddlers.

Suddenly though, now that we are TTC, and my friends' children are starting school I feel so left behind. I just feel sad that if I do manage to have children, that they will not be in the same age group. It is an odd feeling because I've never been particularly broody or jealous of pregnant women ..... but I'm starting to feel that way. I nearly wept watching my hubby with his young niece at the weekend. He would make such a super dad.

 

[gustav72]

Thanks All...sounds like we can all be a support for each other...we are pretty much the last of our friends to not have kids and all the talk with our friends is kids...so, we feel like we are living such a different life and really, just want to be parents.

I wish the best for all of us and it means a lot to have a forum to come to where people are feeling some of the same feelings...it can feel so isolating sometimes when you are on such an emotional roller coaster!

 

[viccat]

Thanks All...sounds like we can all be a support for each other...we are pretty much the last of our friends to not have kids and all the talk with our friends is kids...so, we feel like we are living such a different life and really, just want to be parents.

I wish the best for all of us and it means a lot to have a forum to come to where people are feeling some of the same feelings...it can feel so isolating sometimes when you are on such an emotional roller coaster!

I know what you mean - i feel stuck where friendship groups are concerned at the moment. I have friends who are childless by choice, and they have deliberately developed friendships with other childless folk as they enjoy the same things (eating out, late night partying, exotic or very active holidays etc). Now we could do those things, but the reality is, it is not "us". We like to potter around the house and walk in the local parks. We don't do late nights or much alcohol, and really value and love our family, more so than our friendships.

Hanging out with friends with kids works well - we're sooooooo ready for children ourselves!

At this rate, I am going to become a kidnap risk ....

 

[BDownmommie]

I know how you feel about seeing the OH interact with kids...my OH has kids from a previous relationship and how he interacts with them is one of the main reasons why i knew i wanted to be with him. Knowing that he has a really messed up custody arrangement (barely has any say over anything) and rarely gets to see the kids, let alone be the daddy he wants to be - i was so excited when he agreed to the vasectomy reversal so we could raise a child together....

and now here we are, stuck in the endless loop of trying (which is still good, just a lot less fun when its always in a bed, missionary style and you throw a pillow under ur butt right after).....

I feel like such an awful person for being mad whenever i see a pregnant lady, a young cute baby - and get extrememly PISSED off when i see that 16 yr old girl, 8 months pregnant and smoking!!! OMG - so enraged about pregnancies lately

 

[miaculpa]

Thanks All...sounds like we can all be a support for each other...we are pretty much the last of our friends to not have kids and all the talk with our friends is kids...so, we feel like we are living such a different life and really, just want to be parents.

I wish the best for all of us and it means a lot to have a forum to come to where people are feeling some of the same feelings...it can feel so isolating sometimes when you are on such an emotional roller coaster!

I know what you mean - i feel stuck where friendship groups are concerned at the moment. I have friends who are childless by choice, and they have deliberately developed friendships with other childless folk as they enjoy the same things (eating out, late night partying, exotic or very active holidays etc). Now we could do those things, but the reality is, it is not "us". We like to potter around the house and walk in the local parks. We don't do late nights or much alcohol, and really value and love our family, more so than our friendships.

Hanging out with friends with kids works well - we're sooooooo ready for children ourselves!

At this rate, I am going to become a kidnap risk ....

I can identify with this SO much-- it gets even hairier when childless friends (or those with grown children) chide you about wanting to get pregnant in the first place

I am in my early 40s, but my DH is in his 20s. Since I am half Asian, I look about the same age as he is... but my friends can be soooo negative about this ttc stuff!! It's SO depressing

 

[miaculpa]

I know how you feel about seeing the OH interact with kids...my OH has kids from a previous relationship and how he interacts with them is one of the main reasons why i knew i wanted to be with him. Knowing that he has a really messed up custody arrangement (barely has any say over anything) and rarely gets to see the kids, let alone be the daddy he wants to be - i was so excited when he agreed to the vasectomy reversal so we could raise a child together....

and now here we are, stuck in the endless loop of trying (which is still good, just a lot less fun when its always in a bed, missionary style and you throw a pillow under ur butt right after).....

I feel like such an awful person for being mad whenever i see a pregnant lady, a young cute baby - and get extrememly PISSED off when i see that 16 yr old girl, 8 months pregnant and smoking!!! OMG - so enraged about pregnancies lately

What gets me is when people get angry or want to give up their babies.

My cousin's son and daughter in law (who are in their 30s and have 7 kids) had this 'fail proof' new procedure after her last child to ensure no more babies. Well, it failed and his parents were FURIOUS to discover that they were pregnant again. They'd say things like 'oh, she may still miscarry' or 'she should give this one up'- while I sit here, in pain, on my first round of clomid, TRYING for another...

My biggest beef is how negative OTHER people can be about people's pregnancies or ttc. My DH and I vowed we wouldn't even tell our families if we got pregnant or were trying- til it was obvious.

 

[BDownmommie]

7 pregnancies? Really? Are they trying for a reality show?

Anf what sort of insensitive person would hope someone else miscarries?

Even though i am jaded right now, i still am thrilled my girlfriends will have babies - even though its hard to be happy initially - i still get to that point.

What is wrong with people? A baby is a wonderful thing - and for those of us who cant have - OMG do we ever know what a blessing it could be.

And telling people - i totally refuse, adamantly refuse - in no way shape or form will allow myself to tell our friends, family or anyone really that we aren't able to concieve - we have had a stressful start to the year (moving across country, major car accident, job loss) so we have plenty of things to blame it on...

 

[babybabyb]

Hi everyone- I am new to this forum thing, not sure if I am doing this right. Anyway, I'll give you the short version. I am 41. I was married at 25, emotionally immature, and the marriage ended after 2 years. I never had children, didn't even consider it since I knew I wasn't truly happy. Good news is, I have found true love later in life. My husband is wonderful and our marriage is great. However, we want a child desperately!!!! I went to the fertility specialist last year, after a lot of testing, etc, nothing showed up abnormal. My cycles are fairly normal, and I take ovulation predictor tests every month and get positive. My doc said it must be age. We are running out of time. Due to out work schedules, I just don't see invitro as an option. I teach third grade and i simply couldn't take the time off unless it was over a break. Not to mention my insurance doesn't cover it. Average adoption costs are 30,000, which clearly we don't have. I cry about this all the time. It truly stinks. Finally found true happiness, and so ready, but no success. We have been trying for 2 years. Has anyone tried soy isoflovaves? I'm desperate here...

 

[gustav72]

Hi babybabyb...I think you've come to the right place for support. I don't have any super wise words, other than take care of you! I think you'll find these boards to be a very supportive place! Hugs!

 

[Whitesoxfan41]

Hello everyone!
Although I have 3 girls already, I understand the social pressures and the things people say are just crazy. All of our friends are our age or older and their kids are in high school and college. They have said we are nuts to try for another when we are almost FREE. My girls are 20, 16 and 13. They all live in a different state (2 younger are with their dad, oldest stayed where she went to college) and my dh is only 35! I am hoping that if we are able to conceive that we will find some other parents who have young children.

Sorry to go on a tangent, just so tired of well meaning but rude people judging us. My mom is 70the and she will lead the pack of disappointed family.

Good luck to you all in this journey!

 

[miaculpa]

Hello everyone!
Although I have 3 girls already, I understand the social pressures and the things people say are just crazy. All of our friends are our age or older and their kids are in high school and college. They have said we are nuts to try for another when we are almost FREE. My girls are 20, 16 and 13. They all live in a different state (2 younger are with their dad, oldest stayed where she went to college) and my dh is only 35! I am hoping that if we are able to conceive that we will find some other parents who have young children.

Sorry to go on a tangent, just so tired of well meaning but rude people judging us. My mom is 70the and she will lead the pack of disappointed family.

Good luck to you all in this journey!

Hon, I hear you- going through the EXACT SAME THING