Lost it at my parents house :-(

[mg80]

We've been trying for a baby since our wedding last August with no luck. I start spotting about 7 days before my period and this continues on and off until my (light) period finally starts, it happens every month. I'm getting positive OPKs every month but I'm sure this spotting has something to do with why I can't conceive. I've had scans for PCOS, progesterone blood test, thyroid blood tests and an internal exam and all say normal except that I have a tilted womb.

I'm avoiding kids at the moment as I am finding it very hard to cope and I'm becoming very depressed with not getting pregnant. I know some people try longer than me and have it worse but that doesn't stop me feeling the pain I am feeling after 9 months of trying.

I've just got back home from my parents house after having a weird meltdown up there. I feel so bad that I left in such a hurry but I just couldn't handle it. My brother has two kids; a boy and a girl. I usually avoid visiting my parents at times when the kids are there because it makes me feel worse, and I can't handle anything that is going to make me feel worse right now. No one knows I am trying for a baby, we've kept it secret.

My husband left this morning to work abroad again & I'm feeling really down about the baby thing. Anyway tonight my mum said to go over as the kids are going home by 7pm. I got there at 8pm and they're still there. Everyone is happily playing football in the garden & my parents are playing with the kids. I just couldn't deal with it. I went upstairs on my dad's pc to check my emails and I could feel myself starting to tear up. My family are not the type that cry in front of each other so I didn't want them to see me upset.

I tried to get hold of myself but would start to tear up again. I felt panicky and just had this overwhelming urge that I had to get out of there as it was making me hurt so much. I went outside, made up a lie that I couldn't get MSN to work on their pc and that I was going back home so that I could talk to my DH to chat a little before he goes to sleep. They were really shocked and kept saying "oh? that was a short and sweet visit" and kept me talking, the whole time with the kids jumping around and my mum picking them up etc & me fighting back tears.

I look at my mum & dad interacting with my brother's girlfriend and kids, and I think to myself that I will never have that. I may never have that experience and see my parents playing with my own kids. It breaks my heart to look at that scene and feel I won't have that. It just really hit me tonight. It may be irrational but until they investigate and find out why I am not getting pregnant and why I am having irregular bleeding every month I can't help but fear the worst. I'm 31 years old and also I'm inching closer to the dreaded 1-year mark and I feel like such a failure. I'm on the waiting list to see a gynaecologist but it could take months they said.

So at my parents I made my excuses to leave and they were following me out to the car, I'm sure wondering why the hell I was so quick to get out of there. My dad seemed disappointed I was leaving and told me that if the kids were too noisy etc they were all leaving soon anyway. I felt so terrible. I said it's not that, and that I just wanted to speak to DH. I couldn't wait to get away so that I could let the tears out. Then I drove home and cried all the way home as I drove. I am so tempted to text my mum and tell her the real reason why I am avoiding the kids right now so that she doesn't think I'm just being a miserable cow. But I'm not sure if it's a good idea to tell anyone what's really going on, I'm not sure how she would react. She's had a lot of family deaths to cope with this year and I don't want to burden her with worrying about me too.

I just felt like I needed to share this with someone as I am feeling really down about it and am sat here having a good cry.

DH & I are so happy and stable and I would love us to have children together, I'm so ready for it it hurts. I want a bump, I want to get excited about having our own baby on the way, looking forward to scans and feeling our baby move, feeling it kick, decorating a nursery, shopping for prams and car seats. And I would never complain about morning sickness or getting fat.

I am so scared that it will never happen for me

Just wanted to share, sorry to whinge xxxx

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Course it will happen for you, it's only been 9 months, I'm on month 11 and I'm 25, with very irregular periods,
I can understand you longing for a baby so am I ,but you are panicking just too much, and the more you panic about not getting pregnant the more you will not fall.
I have 2 nephews and a neice and a lot of my friends are having babies, you should try looking at your neice and nephew and think I will be having a cousin for you soon, and try thinking that your children will have the same playtime with nan and grandad, try be happy to watch them play.
Think you have to stay positive love, I have bought so much baby stuff, I am fully prepared, buying stuff makes me happy.

I think if you tell people you are trying it will be a weight off your shoulder to share it with people!
Your mum will be so happy for you for trying and it may make her feel a bit happier and not so upset about the recent deaths she's had.

Try stay positive!! Xxxx and chill babe xx
If you ever wanted to talk I am happy to xxx

 

[mrstwooie]

Just read your post and wanted to let you know you aren't alone in the way you feel. I'm new to this forum, I've been reading it for a few days as its really helpful but was nervous to comment.

I sympathise with how you feel. We planned when we would concieve and were suprised to discover (after all the warnings in sex ed in school!) it didn't happen straight away....nor the next time, nor the next - its five months now. When we started I thought we were ahead of my peers in trying and thought we would be the first to announce, but we've found out 6 expecting recently (5 last week). The anxiety of 'will it ever happen' seems to increase every month.

I think its hard when only you and your OH know you are TTC. Last week in work there were several thoughtless comments made like 'come on its your turn now'......grrrr!!!!!My father-in-law is quite poorly so his family are 'hinting' we need to get on with it (no pressure) and even my Mum today teased about 'when I'm pregnant'. Anything to do with babies makes you sensitive! You feel like starting a rant about everything you're going through to shut everyone up.

But you should stay positive. It seems a lot of people take a year or longer. If only we knew when we could deal with the waiting! Keep thinking about how excited you will be when you find out and imagine what you will do and buy, how you will tell your OH. It will be you with your kids and your parents one day and all this stress will be in the past.

P.S. I' a welshie too!

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Some people ie family, mean well when they say you next etc Coz they want to see you have a baby, that they don't realise there being insensitive because they don't know your trying, but when people know your trying they don't ask that.

It doesn't matter how old you are, it doesn't happen the 1st month, even teenagers trying to conceive on this forum take a long time, read it and makes you realise we are all in the same boat and how many people are waiting and waiting!
But it makes it all the more magical when it happens I'm sure x

 

[mrstwooie]

Oh I know everyone means well! They'd be gutted if they knew you were trying and feeling down. We want to keep it to ourselves that we are TTC so its a nice suprise for our families when it does happen.

One big plus of it not happening straight away is not tkaing it for granted. When it does happen we are going to be SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Exactly! The longer we wait, the more the baby will be loved and wanted I think xx

 

[victorial8]

I think that certain people knowing can help as you have others to talk to and that can help you when you are feeling down etc. but it definatly has its bad points. Im always being asked if there is any news yet? Or if I have tried this or that?

The worst thing was telling family members we were PG at Christmas and then 5 days later having to let them all know it wasnt meant to be. They were all heartbroken and it still upsets my mum. I hate that I have put them through that

 

[mrstwooie]

Sorry to hear about that. I just keep thinking that I know lots of people who took over a year to concieve but I only know one who couldn't at all. Some of the stories on here about people who concieve after years are amazing.
Everyone says it happens when you least expect it - so I keep trying to not expect it!
And try to remember the odds say it probably WILL happen!

 

[LilLeafyLea]

Hi there MrsG, really want to give you the biggest hug ever. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. It's so hard to see other children when you yearn for them yourself and this, of course, is magnified when you see them interacting with your nearest and dearest. You see the joy they bring to your brother, and sis in-law and your parents, I completely sympathise.

What you need to realise is your parents love you and probably know you better than you know yourself. Right now, they know something is up and I think it is best if you let them know the reasons why you feel and are acting the way you are. I know you are trying to protect them from the distresses they've experienced, but I am sure they are worrying regardless and not knowing what is up is probably worse. They will want to help you through this situation and knowing about it will arm them with the tools to do just that. The support and advice from your loved ones is an amazing consoler and you'll reap the benefits of having their guidance and understanding. No matter how old we are our parents still want to protect us, so let them.

Regarding TTC, I think you are being too hard on yourself. This won't make you feel any better about your own situation but I have been trying for 15months now and I don't feel like a failure, I'm just getting annoyingly more persistent lol! I'll apologise for what I have to say now because it's ridiculously clichéd and cheesy but true - never say never. You need to start thinking that it's just a matter of time. My patience wears thin on a monthly basis but I just have to keep thinking this IS going to happen. I experience intermittent spotting before my AF and around Ov, it is quite normal for me and is a common occurrance with other women. Not so sure about the light bleeding have you looked it up at all and have you always had this?


I really hope this can be the case for you too and I believe a large proportion of success is attributable to positive mental attitude. I'm not a motivational speaker or life coach or anything like that, but just think about the placebo effect of medical patients or those who just believe they will recover from their illness. Even women who have been told that their chances of conceiving are slim to none have gone on to have children. It's this frame of mind that provides a conducive atmosphere to making things happen! You have your gyno appointment ahead and either way you'll hopefully get some answers (or get closer to them) and a plan of action.

I also think that you are a fab aunty and you are missing out on some parenting practice here lady! I'm sure your brothers kids miss not having you around and although I know it's ridiculously hard I think you might regret not being there at the time when they grow up so fast. My oldest niece may as well have her Blackberry transplanted into her hand..I can't remember what she look like any more and I get what I perceive to be a grunt as the answer to any question lol! Try to embrace them, obviously do this in your own time and just think that you'll have all this to come with your own little bundle(s) of joy.

I'm really pleased that you have the support of your DH and your child(ren) will have the perfect parents and wider family who will no doubt shower them with love

Sorry to ramble on MrsG, I just want you to know that you are not alone and I hope you regain some of that hope you've been letting go of. Please, please let me know how you get on with your appointment and good luck! xxx

 

[no_regrets_91]

I know how you feel. I have been trying for two years now and even seeing a baby can bring me to tears. It is so hard I have thought about just giving up but I can't I want this to bad.
I read that if you are under 35 you are not considered infertil until you have tried for a year so don't get to worked up yet it can still happen before a year is up and then when a year is up you can see a doctor about it.

I have found that this site helps A LOT it is so good to know that there are others going through the same thing you are. I have started to spend alot of time here.
I really wish you the best of luck I really do.

 

[StranjeGirl]

So sorry you are going through this Have you tried a large does of vitamin b6, 50-100 mg? And possibly even vitex to see if it helps your spotting. Do you temp? Doing this could help determine if you have a progesterone problem, and I know you said you have a test, but your spotting and light period do sound like something is going on. But please don't give up because first of all sometimes things just take a while, but second of all if there is something wrong, it is most of the time easily fixed. The hard part is figuring out what the problem is. For me I started temping so I could make sure I was ovulating and tracking my luteal phase and looking at my post O temps to see if I had any progesterone problems etc. I took lots of supplements to help with hormones and ewcm and finally it worked. Please don't give up! Lots of luck to you!

 

[iheartcookies]

hi im sorry your feeling down, im 22 and been ttc for a year and a half now and it gets me down all the time, i was hiding it from my mum and for the last year she kept asking when i was going to make her a grandparent and i always replyed 'no way i dont want a sprog' but last month she caught me on a bad day and i burst into tears and explained that i was ttc and was so ashamed, it feels better she now knows and i can even ring her to say 'f*ck sake my period came!' i think you should tell your mum then you wont feel so isolated when the kids are there, its nice knowing someone understands, this forum has cheered me up so much, i felt so alone before, the best advice the hubby has is 'itll happen when its our turn' but for some reason it doesnt cut it coming from a bloke

 

[Lily7]

Hi I know exactly how you feel, in fact I could have written that post myself! except my Mum knows we are ttc and it has helped us so much, good luck xx

 

[Tigerlicious]

Hi there, I didn't want to just read and run so thought I would post a little support to you.

me and Dh have only just started officially TTC however for the last 7 years we have been NTNP, every month I was secretly disappointed but knew the likelihood of getting PG was slim.

We are all here for you to vent to if you need it, and if you just need a shoulder to cry on feel free to PM me.

Tiger xx

 

[mg80]

Thanks girls for all your lovely replies.

I was kinda nervous about posting as I haven't really posted on this forum much and was half thinking someone would tell me to get a grip!

Reading all your replies has definitely made me feel less alone and has provided a lot of comfort to me, and I'm looking forward to spending a lot more time on this board and getting to know you all.

I've just got back from the docs. We booked a holiday a few months ago for us to have something to look forward to and sod's law my period falls when we are away on said holiday! We go on 5th June. So I've gone to get Norethisterone to delay it while I'm away as me and DH really need some chill out time together so don't want to ruin it by not being able to swim, BD etc by having my period while there. I've taken it before back in January to get my period back after coming off the pill but I just hope it isn't going to be detrimental me taking it again as it will mess up my cycle days. On the other hand, as my periods tend to be very light it might help me to have a "proper" period and "clean the system out", if you know what I mean, hehe! TMI!

I've just this cycle started taking Agnus Castus to see if it helps with my spotting between ovulation and period, anyone else here have the spotting problem? It's hard to know what is the first day of my period and CD1 because the spotting continues for days til I get red blood flow. At the mo I am just counting the first day of red blood as 1st day of period as that's what I read somewhere on the net.

Feeling a lot better and less alone in this today after reading all your posts so big thanks girlies.

Mrs G xxxx

 

[mummy.wannabe]

So glad you feel bit better xx always here to chat x

 

[ickle pand]

Glad to hear you're feeling better now. I've been taking agnus castus to help sort out my hormones as I have PCOS and I'm convinced that it's thanks to that that I managed to get pregnant at all. I hope it has the same success for you.

Have you tried temping and charting your cycles? I'm a huge fan (it seems like I mention it in nearly every post I make on here) It really helps you to know what's going on with your body, if and when you're ovulating, when to BD to maximise your chances and just makes you feel more in control. Fertility friend is a great site and has tutorials to help you learn what to do, plus plenty of women on here chart so will help you out if you get stuck.

Good luck!

 

[monalisa81]

you're panicking too much and it makes you stressed, trust me I know how hard it is, this is our 15th month and we're going down the IUI route in June. For some people unfortunately it takes time.
I'll try to look at your situation from a differeny point of view. It's your brother and his children you're talking about. He's not a stranger. If he notices that you're avoiding his children it may hurt his feelings. The thing I see in your story is that you're missing the chance of having nice time with your nephew, niece and parents. Maybe instead of avoiding them you could have joined their game. You'll eventually get pregnant and when that day comes you don't want to look at the past and see that you missed months of memories with your parents, brother, nephew and niece. Avoiding them won't speed up your conception, but having quality time with them could be a distraction from TTC.

 

[lucybee]

BIG - totally understand, it gets really hard sometimes. This TCC process can really put you through the ringer! Sending love...

 

[mg80]

Just a little added background: I'm actually not that close to my brother. He only recently started talking to my parents again after having a big falling out with them over something very petty, most of which was arguing about football teams!! He hasn't been there since October so it hasn't been noticeable that I have been avoiding them because his partner has been going there a lot less with the kids. They are both on Jobseekers and Income Support (even though they're both 100% healthy) yet spend hundreds of taxpayers money on luxuries for themselves and the kids - and then moan how they're so hard done by. Don't get me wrong, I love him as he is my brother, but if we weren't related he's not the sort of person I would "like" very much.

I'm not actually missing "nice" time with my niece and nephew, they are in fact a great example of how not to raise your kids. Just last week my nephew who is almost 6 slammed me in the back with his bike because I deigned to give attention to his little sister when she was picking flowers for me :-O Then when my dad told him it was naughty he proceeded to kick my mum's chair across the garden, then kicked their back door effing and jeffing all the way! Lol. You daren't use the word 'no' with these kids or all hell breaks loose, lol! I enjoy being around well behaved children like the children I have at school, but badly-behaved spiteful kids are no fun to be around. I live in hope that one day I will have my own children and will raise them to be respectful and well-mannered and kind, not spiteful, aggressive and unruly like my brother's.

I don't think anyone can tell me I'm panicking too much. How much panicking is too much when I'm moving onto cycle ten and still having irregular periods and bleeding all over the place. The worst thing a TTCer can hear is "relax" - I'm sure we all agree how infuriating that is. I appreciate some people have been trying longer than me and it's comforting to know it takes roughly a year for most people. However, I am not some immature brat who is stamping her feet after trying for 5 mins, this is almost ten long months and I am 32 next birthday so of course I feel the pressure is on, as I'm sure a lot of people do in a similar situation.