Snowball
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I've got 5 minutes so I thought I'd sit here and write this down before I forget 
Went in Thursday morning to be induced due to previous loss and SPD. Got there and got greeted by the most gorgeous male midwife I have ever seen in my life, seriously I felt like Rachel in Friends when she goes for her examination and can't leave her doctor alone
Anyway, after recovering from the over excitement of said male species, he explained he was going to put me on the monitor and then examine me to see if he could pop my waters... Knew that would be a no go, my body can't do anything on it's own. So I was examined and found to not be dilated, have a long cervix, which was posterior and hard 
So in went the pessary, not like the gel I've had before, this one was like a piece of string which had to be put just below my cervix (it was a weird first date with my new found love of my life
). Was put back on the monitor and instantly started getting BH's. Then my hot midwife boyfriend decided I was a no hoper and dumped me off onto antenatal ward. He then disappeared from my life 
I carried on BHing throughout the day, they turned more 'periody' feeling towards dinnertime. I got up to go get my dinner and as I walked past a window I could see my bump looked to have dropped which made sense as to why suddenly I couldn't walk far.
I buzzed a midwife around 8pm, mainly because I'd reapplied my makeup and squeezed into my skinny jeans incase my hot man returned for a date request and now I was a bit bored. So like all bored people I asked for some painkillers... and she returned with Paracetamol
.
About 8.30 I felt a bit more pain so she examined me and I was 3cms, although my cervix was still quite long and thick (bloody cervix
). She made a comment about how she'd let delivery suite know I was brewing and hopefully I'd go into proper labour soon. I felt a little hurt by her blatant 'dissing' of my 3cms but I let it go because I needed to see the end of Eastenders
About 9 I buzzed her again, this time more uncomfortable. I'd been strapped to the monitor for quite a while and ow the contractions were making that position quite uncomfortable. She came in with some gas & air, which temporarily done the job of getting me completely off my face (I even commented on how I felt like my boobs weren't my own at one point
). Then after going overtime on it, like all drunken times, I started to feel sick 
. So I couldn't use it anymore.
At 9.20 I suddenly felt unbearable. My contractions hotted right up and were coming a minute apart and lasting a minute. The midwife rushed in, removed the pessary because it had sent me into overdrive (there was some severe skinny jean tugging removal to be done to actually get to it), bunged me in a wheelchair and took me into delivery suite.
I was greeted by the midwife there but by then I was in so much pain I don't think I said hello. I thought about trying my luck and refusing to remove myself from the wheelchair because the trip to the bed looked way too far but in the end I waited for my microgap of contraction-freeness and kind of bundled myself half naked across the bed, head hanging off oneside and my arse hanging off the other. All this whilst begging for an epidural, I would have swapped my own mother for one at that point. She examined me (which was bloody painful and full of me asking her to get off) and I was 8cms
. She said she'd go get the anaesthetist but she wasn't sure it'd get done in time... Cue mass all out panic on my part
She left the room for what seemed like a minute and as she opened the door to come back in with a trolley I felt the urge to push. I screamed at her that I wanted to push so she told me to... and I did a massive wee (which I thought were my waters). After confirming mass flood was infact a shower of urine I commenced pushing again (with gas & air which in my panic I broke the end off of by biting it too hard and everyone refused to fix 
). Then almost straight away I could feel Louie's head coming out, at which point the midwife realised he was coming out in his bag so broke them as he was crowning . He crowned, which didn't hurt asmuch epidural free as I'd imagined and then one more push and at 21.54 Louie was born screaming weighing 6lbs 7ozs. I was cleaned up (didn't need any stiches 
). My wee was removed from the room, along with my dignity, self respect etc and my little boy was cleaned up and passed to me 
.
We came home the following evening and he's settled in great. Still can't get over how tiny he looks in his bouncer
.
Went in Thursday morning to be induced due to previous loss and SPD. Got there and got greeted by the most gorgeous male midwife I have ever seen in my life, seriously I felt like Rachel in Friends when she goes for her examination and can't leave her doctor alone
Anyway, after recovering from the over excitement of said male species, he explained he was going to put me on the monitor and then examine me to see if he could pop my waters... Knew that would be a no go, my body can't do anything on it's own
. So I was examined and found to not be dilated, have a long cervix, which was posterior and hard So in went the pessary, not like the gel I've had before, this one was like a piece of string which had to be put just below my cervix (it was a weird first date with my new found love of my life
). Was put back on the monitor and instantly started getting BH's. Then my hot midwife boyfriend decided I was a no hoper and dumped me off onto antenatal ward. He then disappeared from my life I carried on BHing throughout the day, they turned more 'periody' feeling towards dinnertime. I got up to go get my dinner and as I walked past a window I could see my bump looked to have dropped which made sense as to why suddenly I couldn't walk far.
I buzzed a midwife around 8pm, mainly because I'd reapplied my makeup and squeezed into my skinny jeans incase my hot man returned for a date request and now I was a bit bored. So like all bored people I asked for some painkillers... and she returned with Paracetamol
.About 8.30 I felt a bit more pain so she examined me and I was 3cms, although my cervix was still quite long and thick (bloody cervix
). She made a comment about how she'd let delivery suite know I was brewing and hopefully I'd go into proper labour soon. I felt a little hurt by her blatant 'dissing' of my 3cms but I let it go because I needed to see the end of Eastenders About 9 I buzzed her again, this time more uncomfortable. I'd been strapped to the monitor for quite a while and ow the contractions were making that position quite uncomfortable. She came in with some gas & air, which temporarily done the job of getting me completely off my face (I even commented on how I felt like my boobs weren't my own at one point
). Then after going overtime on it, like all drunken times, I started to feel sick . So I couldn't use it anymore.At 9.20 I suddenly felt unbearable. My contractions hotted right up and were coming a minute apart and lasting a minute. The midwife rushed in, removed the pessary because it had sent me into overdrive (there was some severe skinny jean tugging removal to be done to actually get to it), bunged me in a wheelchair and took me into delivery suite.
I was greeted by the midwife there but by then I was in so much pain I don't think I said hello. I thought about trying my luck and refusing to remove myself from the wheelchair because the trip to the bed looked way too far but in the end I waited for my microgap of contraction-freeness and kind of bundled myself half naked across the bed, head hanging off oneside and my arse hanging off the other. All this whilst begging for an epidural, I would have swapped my own mother for one at that point. She examined me (which was bloody painful and full of me asking her to get off) and I was 8cms
. She said she'd go get the anaesthetist but she wasn't sure it'd get done in time... Cue mass all out panic on my part She left the room for what seemed like a minute and as she opened the door to come back in with a trolley I felt the urge to push. I screamed at her that I wanted to push so she told me to... and I did a massive wee (which I thought were my waters
). After confirming mass flood was infact a shower of urine I commenced pushing again (with gas & air which in my panic I broke the end off of by biting it too hard and everyone refused to fix ). Then almost straight away I could feel Louie's head coming out, at which point the midwife realised he was coming out in his bag so broke them as he was crowning . He crowned, which didn't hurt asmuch epidural free as I'd imagined and then one more push and at 21.54 Louie was born screaming weighing 6lbs 7ozs. I was cleaned up (didn't need any stiches ). My wee was removed from the room, along with my dignity, self respect etc and my little boy was cleaned up and passed to me .We came home the following evening and he's settled in great. Still can't get over how tiny he looks in his bouncer
.
And I don't think I have laughed so hard at a birth story before either 
And only you could make giving birth sound hilarious 
