Low libido...advice please?!

[Whisper82]

Hey all. I've had low libido the whole 5 years I've been married (was never sexually active before marriage). I have recently been wondering if this could be related to having one of my ovaries removed in my early 20s? I'd say I'm a once per week kind of girl and even then, sometimes it is just for DH's benefit. For the first couple years of our marriage, I had an extremely stressful and exhausting job, which I thought my be the cause of my low drive. I really didn't have the energy for anything at the time and was super depressed. Then, after quitting that job, things got a little better for a while. Well, just when it felt like life was going swimmingly, we went through about two years of infertility problems and treatments. Needless to say, all of the fertility drugs, stress, and pressure to BD at exactly the right times were really hard on me. Then after undergoing IVF, I had twins about five months ago (via emergency c-section). The twins are exhausting to say the least and I think my drive is worse than ever. But to be honest, I'm totally out of excuses. I just think that low sex drive is part of who I am and how I'm built. DH and I had a long talk last night about how I just don't seem to want it. DH is like, totally devastated that I don't 'want it' as much as he does even though I'm committed to maintaining our physical relationship as consistently as I can. I am feeling like a totally inadequate wife. I plan to make an appointment with my doctor, but I'm open to any advice and/or support from others with similar experiences.

 

[cheeselover80]

Whisper, hang in there! Low libido can cause a lot of distress and sadness in a relationship for both parties involved. I personally haven’t suffered the effects of a low libido but I have had a couple of friends go through it. I have a great group of friends and we are pretty open about our sex lives. I also work at a medical research company and get to see a reasonable amount of info and data come through about the human libido.

I am not a doctor but I would say that from a medical perspective having an ovary removed could seriously impact your sex drive. The ovaries obviously play a huge role in hormone creation and regulation. When an ovary is removed the other might do an adequate job of regulating hormones but there can be side effects like libido reduction.

Based on what my friends and I have discussed as well as my exposure to data at work I would place the average DTD at 4-5 times a week for couples in their 20s and early 30s. Every person is different and every couple dynamic is different. During pregnancy the libido can benefit/suffer some skewing in one direction or the other but this is dependent on the person.

My husband and I fall into the 4-5 times a week category and I turned into a sex maniac during most of my pregnancy. I would jump my husband 2-3 times a day. It was like we were newlyweds again (we too were never sexually active before marriage for religious reasons) but a couple of my friends have had the same trial that you are experiencing.

They rarely, if ever felt in the mood. They love their husbands but just didn’t ever get the urge. Life can get so busy and other things would always seem more appealing than a role in the hay. Stress would take its toll too. Work, family and emergencies can make it hard for a woman to stay in the mood. Usually not so for men, they often seek the comfort of intimacy in those situations. If the stress leads to depression that can also lower libido and unfortunately most common anti-depressants can make DTD even harder still, creating a kind of downward spiral.

Libido issues can indeed make you feel inadequate. It is good that you are committed to maintaining your physical relationship. It would be a very bad move in my opinion to not try and improve the situation. While you are feeling depressed and inadequate your DH is probably sad, frustrated and possibly feeling deeply depressed about 5 years of missed sexual encounters and the prospect of a lifetime of a minimal sex marriage.

If you are committed to improving the situation for yourself and your husband my friends saw large improvements in their overall sex life and somewhat in their libido by attacking the problem from multiple directions.

Medical: Do go and see your doctor. They might be able to identify a hormonal imbalance that might be corrected with medication. You might have low testosterone with only one ovary. If you have any depression they might also be able to prescribe a non SSRI anti-depressant for you. Wellbutrin is known for its ability to improve mood with limited libido effects. Ask about supplements and vitamins that could possibly help. Kegel exercises done regularly can also help you to enjoy those intimate moments more.

Things to do: Focus on your love for your husband. I assume that you wouldn’t be asking about this if you didn’t love him. Your love is what can drive your intimacy in lieu of a strong libido. Have more sex. This may sound silly but the more you are intimate the more you might find that you enjoy or even love it. It is important to have variety as well. My husband and I couldn’t keep up the pace that we have if we didn’t try new things. If you can’t seem to get up the energy for a full round in bed you can try giving him something special like oral sex. Men in general love oral sex; this can go a long way to making up for other bedroom shortcomings. Along those same lines make sure to surprise him occasionally. If you make a special effort he will appreciate it.

It is also important to recognize that sexual intimacy needs to be a high priority in your relationship. It may not feel very important to you (with a low libido) but it is probably very important to him. You can try to feed off of his excitement and passion. This might help fuel you and get your own going.

Overall try to keep a positive attitude. Be confident that this is not your fault. As you said it is how you are built due to having one ovary or maybe even in spite of that. This is something that with open communication, mutual respect and understanding you can still have a thriving marriage and sex life if you work at it. Make sure to let your DH aware if there is anything he could do to help. Do you find him attractive, does he make the necessary efforts with his appearance? Are there ways that he can help get you into the mood? Let him know and I bet he will be willing to help. I wish you both the best.

 

[Whisper82]

Thanks cheese....it is good to know I'm not the only person out there with this issue. Sounds like you have a good understanding based on what your friends have been through. I appreciate your willingness to give some thoughtful and helpful advice. I am for sure going to get my testosterone checked. That is the only major hormone I don't think was checked when we were going through our IVF. There is a doctor I am thinking of seeing who specializes in women's issues. FX she can help me find some answers.

 

[preg_pilot]

I´m in a similar place with my husband.
I have very low libido, while his is going strong.

I never had fertility problems, and I still have both ovaries. I´m on a mini-pill these days, but that hasn´t helped much.

I´ve resorted to giving him oral sex, and giving him handjobs when I don´t feel up to it at all (which is too often in my opinion).
Don´t get me wrong, I like to make him happy, but I wish I could just get myself going. I don´t know about any of my own buttons, otherwise it would be no problem to get my husband to use those.

We´ve been experimenting with stuff, but most of the time I never get "hot" enough to have proper intercourse (pardon my french). We usually end with being nice to each other and then drifting off to sleep.
We probably only have sex about 3-4x per year now...

Thanks for some awesome advice cheese.