LTTTC #1 after a loss

[Maisypie]

Hi I just wanted to start a thread to get feeling out there about finally conceiving after many years only to go and lose the baby.

I wanted people to come here and vent, talk, discuss how it made them feel about this. I feel sometimes after a loss that people tend to shy away from this.

My story: My husband and I have been married the exact same amount of time we have been TTC (2 and a half years) We did everything right, got all the tests, took our vitamins, read every book you can imagine, went on a fertility diet etc. We were placed in the awesome category of unexplained infertility. So we went on Clomid for 4 rounds, nothing. Took a break for 6 months, went on clomid again, 2nd round we finally conceived Nov of 2013, we were beyond excited, told everyone, and I mean everyone. On Friday (Jan. 10, 2014) I knew something was wrong, went to the ER to find out we had no baby, just an empty sac. This was devastating, and it still is. As I sit here writing this I am impatiently waiting to pass said sac. They called it a blighted ovum, where the baby just doesn't develop but fails to tell the gestational sac and placenta this and they keep on developing. It is usually not discovered until a 10 or 12 week scan. I go back in on Wednesday to make sure my levels are dropping and I have passed the sac. This is horrible and this Wednesday is was supposed to be our first scan to see the baby and now it's to make sure it's all gone.
I know many many people go through this and it is very very terrible, I am trying to find as many silver linings as I can. Like I got pregnant! Yay! And I can start trying right away again (after my first normal cycle) Yay! (kinda)

What runs through my mind is all the trying! The charting of your temperature, cervical mucus, the vitamins, the try this and this and this and the ups and downs of every month waiting for your period to show or up...or not. That feels hard, people say relax, when in the back of your head you are already planing a meal for your fertility diet. I am the only one of my friends that is experiencing this and it's hard. None of them had a hard time and no one miscarried. They all feel for me but they don't really know.

Please let me know how this is affecting you. I am struggling with all of this right now and I would love some advice, stories, happy success stories, anything at this point.

 

[Pinkie3]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, I feel so sad reading your story. We have been TTC for nearly 3 years and never had a BFP, I cant imagine finally getting one then it cruelly being taken away from you.

AFM, we had an IVF cycle back in Sept and it failed that was bad enough, I had some terrible family news during the time and kept asking what I had done wrong in my life to deserve all this, so I am feeling some of your pain at the moment and I really hope it gets easier for you. I don't have much advice to give as I know we all deal with these things in our own way. For me, after the failed IVF I needed some time out, my life had revolved around baby making for so many years, I wanted just one month off so I didn't have the heart breaking moment when I see the AF arrive and we ended up having three months, for us it was the best decision we made, I drank without feeling guilty (after having 6 months off the booze) and we actually talked about other things than babies, I know this is not for everyone but for me it really helped.

I have also learnt from these experiences, I told a handful of close friends and both mine and the OH family when we were going through the IVF and the worst thing was telling everyone that it didn't work, we will be doing another cycle but we are not telling a soul and if it does work the only people we will tell are our parents.

Stay hopeful and stay strong, there will be plenty of support on here if you need it

 

[bunyhuny]

Hey girl. Just wanted to send some hugs your way. The pain of losing a LO after trying so long is beyond words. My husband and I conceived with IVF this past summer after about two years of trying, and then lost the baby in the 10th week. I had spotting throughout the whole pregnancy, but after seeing a sac at 5 weeks, and a heartbeat at 7 and 9 weeks, DH and I thoughts we were home free.

I miscarried while on a cruise, heading back to the US from Europe where we had done IVF (so as to avoid "dangerous" altitude changes a plane might cause), so we didn't even have a doctor there or anything. (The ship doctor checked on me after it was over.) The whole miscarriage from onset of cramps until delivering our tiny baby was only a couple hours, so I can only imagine how hard it is having to wait for the miscarriage to "happen".

I went through some major depression the first couple months, but am feeling better enough now that we're going into another IVF (FET) cycle. The first few weeks are the absolute hardest, but you will make it through. Don't feel bad about needing to get support from friends/family. My mother, who had also gone through a miscarriage at about my age, was an amazing comfort. Be open on FB about it, let people know you need support. Several distant friends messaged me after I posted on FB, friends who'd had miscarriages and who I wasn't close enough to to even know about it. Several of my acquaintances even came forwards to tell me about their experiences with IF. I had no idea!

The only other advice I have is to find some kind of project you can get yourself lost in for a while. For me, it was working on getting healthier (I have PCOS). I spent the last few months doing everything in my power to get my blood sugar under control and make some really positive dietary changes that help to sustain pregnancy. It worked, and now I'm off all meds except those for my FET. I'm also down 15 lbs, so woohoo! For me, just knowing I was doing all I could to get my body as healthy as possible really helped me to work through the pain. It was an effort in memory of my child. Of course, you project might be something totally different- painting, writing, redecorating- just do something, anything, that as you go, you can see real results happening. Then, be proud of yourself.

Lots and lots of hugs to you hunny. I know it is so incredibly hard, and I'm sending you as much love and support as I can over the web. You'll make it through, even if it sometimes feels like you won't.

 

[Maisypie]

Thanks ladies so much, both your stories have been inspirations to me. I know that not getting pregnant and losing a child are both horrific events especially after trying so long. It is nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way.
I also know the feeling of it taking over your whole world and it becoming hard. I will take both your advice and just live, enjoy every moment, take up some hobbies, maybe learn to groom my dog (this could end up badly).
I did finally pass the gestational sac this morning after a very severe amount of labour pains, it was sad but I am kind of relieved this part is over. Onwards and upwards!
I feel this will be our year, and I hope it is yours as well.

 

[Pinkie3]

BunyHuny - I am so sorry to hear your story too, how awful! Life really is very cruel sometimes. Good luck with your FET cycle, when you starting?

Maisypie - I am glad that part is now over for you and that you can move forward. Do something nice for yourself and then think about what you are going to do from here. You sound a bit more positive and hopeful so good for you.

It's funny how we all find comfort in different ways, I actually deactivated my Facebook account a few weeks ago because I found it was having a negative effect on me. But I think we should all take comfort from wherever we find it. I like the idea of taking up a new hobby/project, because of the last few years TTC I started feeling like I didn't know who I was anymore and what I enjoyed doing, so doing something for myself again will make a nice change.

I am determined to get pregnant this year, so heres to 2014 pregnancies and babies

 

[bunyhuny]

Maisypie- I'm glad to hear you've been able to naturally pass the sac. That is so much easier on your body than having to do a D&C. I'm sending lots and lots of good thoughts and hugs your way. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. And remember to give yourself time to mourn.

Pinkie3- I just finished my pre-cycle progesterone a couple days ago. As soon as AF arrives, I start on my FET cycle. First step will be 10-12 days estrogen, then an u/s. If u/s shows a nice, thick lining, then I'll add in progesterone, fly back out to Prague (I'm in the US right now), and have the transfer done on the forth day of progesterone- so hopefully the last week of this month! Are you going to be doing an IVF or FET cycle soon?

In other news: DH has a job interview today with a company he's been wanting to work for for years. I'm really hoping he gets moved to the next round of interviews! He really, really wants the position and I know he'd be so happy! If he gets this job, we'll be moving to NYC next month. I've already started looking into local art classes. I think my next project is going to be learning to use a pottery wheel.

 

[CallMeAL1982]

Can I jump on this thread?

I have PCOS as well, diagnosed in my early 20s. My husband and I got married last November, I took my last BCP in December, got that 'period,' and then nothing until April. Then, nothing again until I scheduled an appointment with a gyno (I had moved so I had to switch providers) in August, and surprise, I was pregnant! We were thrilled, but I had the feeling from the getgo that something was wrong. I have anxiety and depression, but they were off the charts. Sure enough, I went in for a scan and they couldn't find anything. Two days later I lost my baby. I'm a teacher for students with severe emotional and behavioral disabilities, and this was in September... I went back to school to take care of other peoples' babies while I was still losing my own.

The gyno I saw in August/September was NOT sympathetic, and I switched. I like my doc now and was put on Metformin at the end of September. We thought it was working, but in December, my husband and I had a run of really horrible events... my favorite cat, who had been sick for a while, suddenly died of something unrelated. Two days later, we lost the house we were buying a week before closing because the sellers changed their minds. Needless to say, the stress has made my cycle a wreck... I'm now on CD 48. My doctor wants me to wait it out, but my next appointment isn't until Valentine's Day (literally) and I'm going nuts.

I can't focus on my typical projects and my depression and anxiety are both really bad right now, which I know isn't helping my cycle at all. I'm also sick of procreative BD... maybe it works for people with regular or shorter cycles, but it's almost impossible to do SMEP or the like when you have no idea when or if you will ovulate and you've been stuck in more than a month of every-other-day with no break.

I'm having a particularly bad night tonight because one of my dear friends facebooked me to let me know that she is pregnant and is due two weeks after I would have been (I was never even given a due date by my first doctor, which I resent horribly, but we calculated it as Mother's Day... what a blow!). I've been crying ever since. I'm just so glad to have people on here who understand, although it seems like one person after another gets pregnant on the threads I'm on, leaving me to wonder... when will it be my turn? Then I feel like a bad person for feeling so jealous.

 

[Maisypie]

CallMeAL1982 - Welcome to the group, I am very sorry for all you have gone through, especially where your cycles are so long and unpredictable. I find when one bad thing happens it is usually followed but a bunch of other, but as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes us stronger, which makes us the strongest people in the world! You joined the right group, I don't know if you heard but we are going to get our sticky BFP's this year.

Bunyhuny - I am happy to hear of your husband's job, you must be very excited! NYC sounds like a fun place to live. You must be also excited/nervous about the last week of the month, I find the wait to be the worst.

Pinkie3 - This year is our year, hopefully the sooner the better. I don't blame you for deactivating your account, I belong to a group that are having their babies in August (which would have been my due date) I really should leave it but I have some sick fascination with it. I must be a glutton for punishment.

As for me, I went to the hospital to check up on things, I have completely passed all the "products of conceptions". That is what it is called now that it is all over, products.
Also my HCG levels have dropped from 12000 to 900, they told me that everything looked good and that I am to take a pregnancy test in 4 weeks to make sure that my levels have dropped below 50. I have a dr's appointment tomorrow with my OBGYN to discuss a plan of action. My big plan is to BD with my husband until a new baby shows up. Pretty good plan?
I hope everyone's week goes better or continues to go well. I have decided to put an Asterix next to this week as it completely sucked.

 

[flou]

to all you ladies who have had losses. I know and understand how you feel. Me and my DH started ttc in April 2011 so its nearly coming up for 3 years. I managed to get my first bfp after ttc 19 months. We both so happy and relieved that it finally happened for us. Never really considered the possibility of having a mc because the odds are with you of having a successful pg after a bfp but unfortunately I mc at 6 weeks. We were devastated and heartbroken. We tried again and after 11 months ttc we managed to get our second bfp. We were obviously nervous and i was rushing to the loo everytime i felt a twinge and some cm. But i tried to reassure myself to try and relax that the chance of having a second mc were low. However i mc at 6 + 4. Again we were heartbroken. I hope we get our rainbows soon and don't have to wait too much longer!

 

[Pinkie3]

BunyHuny - I hope the AF arrives soon for you (first time ever). Can I ask why you are travelling to Prague? How did the DH get on with his interview? Good luck it will be just the kind of news you both need right now.

CallmeAL1982 - Sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment. We all have bad days so don't be so hard on yourself I hope this is a better one for you. Have you spoken to anyone or take anything for your depression and anxiety to help you through this. Welcome to the group I hope we can support you.

Maisypie - Good luck at your doctors appointment I hope you get a good plan of action and it helps you re-focus, let us know what they say.

Flou - I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you twice I have no idea how you must be feeling right now. Do you have any idea what you are going to do from here? Welcome to the group, I hope we can support you.

AFM - We didn't have any frozen eggs so we have to do a fresh cycle. We are not sure when to start again because we have a lot going on. My mum has terminal cancer (I found out mid way through my IVF treatment - seriously you couldn't make it up) and been really poorly, I live over 100 miles away so not been home much but she is stable now so I can start being here a bit more. Also we have just brought a house (yes, us fertility girls don't like to do things by halves do we) so we should be moving in a few weeks. I'll know when I feel ready to do another IVF but in the meantime we are getting back on the BD and I am digging out the ovulation kits again.

It's Friday tomorrow, I will be pleased to see the back of this week. Hope everyone has a nice weekend to look forward too.

 

[flou]

Not sure what the plan is at the moment but ive got an appointment with the FS on 17th February. I initially went to my GP for a referral after we had been trying about 15 months. Then we got pg but didn't have the appointment until after my mc. They told me to come back in a year. I went back to my GP to get another referral after we had been trying for about 10 months and i get pg again. And then mc again. They have asked me to do some blood tests and an ultrasound. So I am hoping they help me this time!

 

[Pinkie3]

Good luck at your appointment Flou, I hope you finally get some answers and they can help you have a healthy pregnancy. Let us know how you get on.

 

[Maisypie]

Good luck flou, I hope your appointment will give you the answers you have been looking for. Have you been tested for anything? (i.e. progesterone levels)

As for me I am almost done bleeding (I think, it slows down and then gets bad again) So I am hoping to start trying next week. Has anyone had a low immune system after your mc? I have a cold and just general unwell feeling, just wondering if it has anything to do with the mc.

 

[flou]

Good luck flou, I hope your appointment will give you the answers you have been looking for. Have you been tested for anything? (i.e. progesterone levels)

As for me I am almost done bleeding (I think, it slows down and then gets bad again) So I am hoping to start trying next week. Has anyone had a low immune system after your mc? I have a cold and just general unwell feeling, just wondering if it has anything to do with the mc.

I have had progesterone levels tested after O in the past and all has been normal. My set of blood tests i am having done next week will show how high my progesterone goes so maybe it will show something.

After both my mc i got really tired. I had blood tests because they suspected i was anaemic but i wasn't. Doc put it down to stress. Stress can also lower your immune system so can make you more prone to colds. I hope you feel better soon. And yay for the bleeding easing off!