Major Vent :( Support Needed Pls

[cooch]

Urgh, I dont really know were to start. Before anyone posts back I want to make it clear that I'm not thinking straight and I know I'm being slightly irrational. But I am very upset and put out by this.

DH is spending the best part of 1k to go to his sis' baby baptism (not near us). He will also be away from me at ovulation time and for a week. I'm also annoyed as we're having to pay for me to have another op within the next few months. If that then fails it's IVF with me donating eggs. If I can't donate then we can't do it. DH says not everything has to revolve around ovulation.

The sis fell preg accidently, is quite spoiled, a good bit younger and seems to constantly land on her feet. My feelings towards her and resentment is probably mostly to do with the baby as she didn't really bother me before. It almost destroyed me when I heard. It kind feels as though she is providing what I can't and that it should be me. I will also be incredibly annoyed if he gives money rather than a gift. She refused to give us money for our wedding and instead bought us something. When it came to her wedding DH gave her money.

This has started tonight (I have been ok with him going until now) as I asked him could he be home a couple of days after the event as we'll catch my ovulation then. Which he said I will see what everyone else is planning flight wise. And life shouldn't go around it, blah blah blah. He said he shouldn't have to compromise his return as he was compromising by only going for a week.

We have since both calmed down and agreed that he is best to get the fact/dates etc then see if the other compromise can be made. I still feel as though I'm devastated and its like he's leaving me.

I know I'm ott, but I'm upset (I have previously been quite optimistic and we had a lovely Christmas). I just really resent her good fortune.

Thanks for any advice and support that may come my way xx

 

[lovie]

oh you poor thing

how anoying that the christening is over ov... i would be angry aswell.. i was angry at my oh being away for a week over ov because his mum had a heart attack..

definatly insist on giving a gift, buy something super cheap in the sale...

I hope it doesnt come to it, but if it does fingers crossed you are fine to egg share..

big hugs

 

[cooch]

Thank you. I know I'm being a little selfish but it just hurts. And he said the gift would be between him and his sister, I'd not to interfere with that xx

 

[imogenwanted]

oh i feel for you i think us ladies just know how important it is 2 us, i think they think it is important but as it is not there body i dont think there can really get how we feel, i would buy her a present not money and i really hope things go well for you hugs

 

[Armywife84]

DH's just don't understand! It's SOOO hard to not make it like our life revolves around ovulation!! But when you want something that badly, it's inevitable.

I also completely understand your feelings towards your SIL. If only she would just fall flat on her face just once!!

How come you couldn't go with him? Get a hotel room and BD there, plus him attend the christening.

Why can't he just go to the christening and be back the next day? I mean it's not like it's the baby's first birthday or he's never seen his nephew?

My advice, (I know this sounds a bit bad) is to be extra nice to him up until he leaves..I'm talking cooking his favorite meals and some major arse kissing. If that doesn't work, while he's gone and phones you I'd lay a guilt trip on him. About how you want to give it as many natural cycles before you get poked and prodded for IVF, while he gets off scott free. Tell him how much you need him physically and mentally, etc.

Hopefully it works out in your favor. You're not being selfish, this is a engagement he has control over..not like it's a mandatory business trip.

 

[Wanting2BMom]

OMG I would be just as pissed...It made m sad as I read. I will be praying for you and hoping that everything works out so that you will be together during you ovulation time.

 

[whiskey]

 

[Feb4th2011]

Hey Cooch, Sorry to hear your having a tough time...
I would feel exactly the same way if I was in your shoes. It's bad enough that he may miss OV... but for it to be an event that involves a baby.... what a kick to the gut. If he is away for OV make sure you really treat yourself, a mani, pedi, color your hair, rent a chick flick and over indulge in buttery popcorn. All the best hun!

XX

 

[wonderstars]

I don't think you are being selfish at.all. I think your feelings are quite valid. Men don't seem to think about the details of everything and wasting a cycle is a big deal for us. I hope he manages to find a schedule that works around ovulation. I would so feel the way you feel re: your SIL, btw. Ay yi yi!

 

[cooch]

Thanks ladies you have cheered me up. He will be going and the reason I can't go as well and he will be away for a week -'s abroad, thousands of miles away. I can't choose my holidays schedule and tbh I won't have much of a relationship with the sister nor will have with the child and really don;t want to be tortured by even seeing pictures.

To DH it's a non issue, he is going. The problem being he and a couple of other members of his family will be booking the cheapest flights and that involves travelling for a longer period of time, with stops overs. BTW it's not Australia!!! He is telling me the flights will be close to two days there and two days back, to him the flights look a nightmare. I told him it's him deciding to do it- he doesn't need to. Anyway the money thing, I'm being left out of as it's from his private bank account- not joint money. So I might just put that one to bed as I have gone over our expenses for the year and he has guaranteed me it won't impact our plans!! DH is actually very good with money.

So I have put my case forward, expressed my feelings. It will be a hard time when he's away (I don't think couples should be parted unless absolutely necessary). It's up to him now to try and do things right.

P.s. I love armywife idea- be extra nice before he goes so he feels bad, manipulative, but I think necessary. He needs to miss me. xx

 

[StorkStalker]

Dear Cooch.. I totally get how you feel, it's absolutely valid in our situation... Of course our life revolves around ovulation... is the only chance we have each month to finally be able to move on.. I have explained my DH many times that I feel my life is on hold, with a big PAUSE button pressed from when we first started TTC until the moment where I finally have a baby in my arms... Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't...

I had a similar situation about 3 months ago, he had to leave on a work trip during Ovulation... I had a melt down.. and absolutely handled it wrong .. I was pushy, and made a whole mess out of a situation that couldn't be changed, as you say, a non issue... So, if it happens again I would definitely try to handle myself better... There are battles we need to let go... As hard as that seems.. In my case he ended up going and was mad at me and I felt hurt and alone.. So, if things can not be arranged, try not to fight, and as armywife says, do the complete opposite of what I did, at least he'll go and miss and think of how you are such a nice, understanding and supporting wife.. Then he will most definitely be more on sync with your feelings if a thing like this arises again...

On the SIL front I totally get how you feel.. I would feel the same.. Oh the luck of some people!!

 

[cooch]

Dear Cooch.. I totally get how you feel, it's absolutely valid in our situation... Of course our life revolves around ovulation... is the only chance we have each month to finally be able to move on.. I have explained my DH many times that I feel my life is on hold, with a big PAUSE button pressed from when we first started TTC until the moment where I finally have a baby in my arms... Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't...

I had a similar situation about 3 months ago, he had to leave on a work trip during Ovulation... I had a melt down.. and absolutely handled it wrong .. I was pushy, and made a whole mess out of a situation that couldn't be changed, as you say, a non issue... So, if it happens again I would definitely try to handle myself better... There are battles we need to let go... As hard as that seems.. In my case he ended up going and was mad at me and I felt hurt and alone.. So, if things can not be arranged, try not to fight, and as armywife says, do the complete opposite of what I did, at least he'll go and miss and think of how you are such a nice, understanding and supporting wife.. Then he will most definitely be more on sync with your feelings if a thing like this arises again...

On the SIL front I totally get how you feel.. I would feel the same.. Oh the luck of some people!!

Thank you. People outside of LTTC as much as they can sympathise, they don't get it. Men don't really seem to get it either. 'Its just one month' eh, no its not. Its another month added to those we have already been unsuccessful, so its not just one month. Its all tallying up. Anyway I like to idea of being extra nice. I'm just going to put his familiy out of my head. Its only hurting me and prob DH. I have been enjoying our life, it is only around ov time I expect him to support our efforts. I'm not even stressed out until 5 days before AF when PMT hits me. So, I'm going to play it smart, thanks xx

 

[MKHewson]

I completely understand the frustration, you are the one taking the meds and sacrificing your body to carry a child. My DH works nights, so we are on opposites schedule completely, so getting some BDing can be a challenge on top of trying not to get caught up in sex on demand like before. Sending you some hugs and support your way.

 

[Armywife84]

Your DH is good with $$?! Jealous!

Yes, be on your best wife behavior. You may have to stoop as low as a foot massage, blech! Just kidding .....ok maybe back massage!

 

[Sarena]

Hey Cooch,

You are not being selfish-we have such a narrow window every month to get pregnant. And I know how you feel about certain people getting pregnant without necessarily wanting or trying. Best of luck luring your man home!

 

[wonderstars]

Your DH is good with $$?! Jealous!

Yes, be on your best wife behavior. You may have to stoop as low as a foot massage, blech! Just kidding .....ok maybe back massage!

I want to think like you think! Your mind is amazing!

 

[Armywife84]

Your DH is good with $$?! Jealous!

Yes, be on your best wife behavior. You may have to stoop as low as a foot massage, blech! Just kidding .....ok maybe back massage!

I want to think like you think! Your mind is amazing!

My DH's feet are atrocious, covered with calluses and long curly hair on his toes . I've been trying to persuade him that getting a pedicure isn't the least bit homosexual .

 

[Feb4th2011]

your dh is good with $$?! Jealous!

Yes, be on your best wife behavior. You may have to stoop as low as a foot massage, blech! Just kidding .....ok maybe back massage!

i want to think like you think! Your mind is amazing!

my dh's feet are atrocious, covered with calluses and long curly hair on his toes . I've been trying to persuade him that getting a pedicure isn't the least bit homosexual .

lmao!

 

[urchin]

Hey Cooch - you are being selfish (and you know it - we all do when we are trying to fit our partner's lives round our OV cycles), but that is ok!

I don't think men will ever truly get it, as they are one step removed from the baby-making business: they do their bit, then just wait to see the results (which come when we tell them)
Whereas we have every twinge, every pinkish spot to stress over.
But although we have the stress, we also have the power - so it's not surprising that men are more distanced from the process than we are.

The thing is, you need to pick your fights, and this is one you just won't win. Your man has a relationship with his sister, and wants to have one with his nephew ... and part of that involves going to the ceremony which will welcome the new fella into the family.

Sadly, this clashes with OV time for you - but that really isn't planned and tbh, if the flights are 2 days each way, then I don't blame him for wanting a few days in the middle before rushing back (and for 1k flights, one week really is a compromise on his part!)

Like I say, you're not going to win this one, so be nice to him by all means before he goes, but really what is the point of making him feel guilty while he is away? It won't get him back in time and will just spoil his trip.

My advice is, just accept it - take the month off from ttc ... pamper yourself, recharge your batteries and get ready to throw yourself back in to the ring for the next month.

Honestly, although I can completely see why you're pissed off (every month wasted, is another month of the dreaded waiting) there really is no point starting fights that you just can't win

 

[cooch]

Hey Cooch - you are being selfish (and you know it - we all do when we are trying to fit our partner's lives round our OV cycles), but that is ok!

I don't think men will ever truly get it, as they are one step removed from the baby-making business: they do their bit, then just wait to see the results (which come when we tell them)
Whereas we have every twinge, every pinkish spot to stress over.
But although we have the stress, we also have the power - so it's not surprising that men are more distanced from the process than we are.

The thing is, you need to pick your fights, and this is one you just won't win. Your man has a relationship with his sister, and wants to have one with his nephew ... and part of that involves going to the ceremony which will welcome the new fella into the family.

Sadly, this clashes with OV time for you - but that really isn't planned and tbh, if the flights are 2 days each way, then I don't blame him for wanting a few days in the middle before rushing back (and for 1k flights, one week really is a compromise on his part!)

Like I say, you're not going to win this one, so be nice to him by all means before he goes, but really what is the point of making him feel guilty while he is away? It won't get him back in time and will just spoil his trip.

My advice is, just accept it - take the month off from ttc ... pamper yourself, recharge your batteries and get ready to throw yourself back in to the ring for the next month.

Honestly, although I can completely see why you're pissed off (every month wasted, is another month of the dreaded waiting) there really is no point starting fights that you just can't win

Thanks for your comments. The thing is (and I have let loads go and am more accepting than my first post) the flights are actually 12 hours and only £400 (its the trip its self inc all other expenses that will cost £1k), there are a number of different airports they can go to (I have traveled this myself previously) the one they have picked has crap flights. But they are so disorganised they could easily end up going to the one that is only 12 hours (only 12! I know still a trek).

What would help (and I totally get your picking fight thing- I do agree) is if I had a relationship with the sister, I don't -I really tried hard and had every attempt thrown back in my face. She's not nasty, just self obsessed and doesn't think of anyone outside of her perfect bubble (DH's parents have supported the bubble).

Anyway, I am trying to accept that he will be going and I'm trying to stay out of the way of any arrangements. He has expressed an intention to TRY to be back by when I mentioned to him, but said it will depend on a couple of factors. I have accepted that he will TRY. The fact is when I wrote the initial post he wasn't prepared to TRY or listen. I have since explained why I'm so hurt (I actually managed this in a rational calm way- It was the next day) and we have reached a place that we're both more comfortable with.

Thanks all ladies for all the support and guidance as sometimes things are too hurtful to deal with calmly- at first. I'm putting this one to bed (I hope). xx