Mediation with a deadbeat?

[mamashakesit]

FOB has decided he wants to do mediation, because he "doesn't want to have his daughter know someday that the courts had to force him to support her."

I'm on the fence about this. I really don't think he's a good role model. He lies and lies and lies and lies and he has a temper and quite frankly, the fact that he has done absolutely NOTHING for his child financially or emotionally makes me apprehensive.

Now that he has a job and the ability to pay, he wants to do it this way and ensure that if he does pay, he will have the right to see his daughter. Part of me thinks, yes, this is the way to go to avoid a crappy, broken court system in the future and the risk of his getting even more than I could agree to agree with him on.

Another part of me says no! He has not paid for one diaper, sent a little outfit, woke up nights or been there, so maybe I should just go through the state and get it over with!

Any suggestions, advice?

 

[lily2011]

I think his excuse of "he doesn't want his daughter to think that he was forced to support her" is crap. He probably wants mediation because what the courts will make him pay is pretty black and white. It's 17% usually of his salary with half of day care PLUS you can go after him for all the back support. Not only that, but if you do it through the courts, they are really adamant about enforcing it. All it entails is a hearing anyways...which you would have to have regardless because even if you came to an agreement, you'd still have to have a hearing to get it enforced. Point is...he hasn't proven himself in any other area yet, why trust now that he all of a sudden wants what is best for his daughter? I say let the pros handle it - that way you know you will get it and you deserve it!

 

[oaklvr]

Go to the mediation. You can always refuse. Know that you don't have to agree to anything, and don't let him talk you into less. The courts will prob give him some visitation, thats how they are. But it won't be a lot. And yes, they go by a chart for child support. Here's what I'd do. Tell him to eff off, file child support not with an attorney but with a child support coordinator. I filed mine where people get food stamps/medicaid. Then we met at court but didn't go before a judge. They worked it out to what he needed to pay me. Gave me 3 different figures, and I chose the middle one. Never choose the middle. Choose the highest lol. I was trying to be nice because I knew his job paid very little, but hey they will get you if they can so best to stay on things. Then it will be signed by a judge I believe, and thats it. He will have to take you separately to court for visitations. Is he on the birth certificate? He does have rights to his child and it would be best for you to go ahead and get custody established so he doesn't go for something behind your back and leave you scrambling for an attorney.

 

[oaklvr]

Oh, and once there is a child support order in place, thats when child support starts. I don't believe you will receive any back pay, no matter if he's never given you a dime. So get it started now.

 

[mamashakesit]

I have already filed for child support through social services. I calculated it to come out at $200/month, which he said he would agree to in mediation. The mediation rulings are filed as a court order as well, so they would be binding, not?

The mediator I want to use has TONS of experience with family law and psych. My brain hurts...I don't know what to do.

 

[lily2011]

Every state is different; in New York, you can absolutely get back child support from the time of birth. Not sure in other states.

 

[oaklvr]

I'm not sure then how it works where you live. All I had to do was file it and they gave me a date to go meet with the coordinator and him, and get it set in place. It wasn't anything separate. If you filed already, what did they tell you the next step was?

 

[Surreal]

If he is such a bad example, and lies through his teeth... tell him no, and tell him to file a court date. Can he even afford to take you to court? I've heard of plenty of jackass FOB's threatening it, and then never going through with it, either because they're trying to rile the mother up and don't really give a crap, or can't really afford to take the mother to court. I mean, if he can't even make the effort to support his child, what's even the likeliness he can afford a lawyer to represent him?

Ultimately it's up to you, but majority of the time from what I've seen, FOB's blow a *lot* of hot air...

I personally think it's hilarious that he doesn't want his daughter to think the courts had to force him to pay... when, that's exactly what's having to take place. What an idiot!

 

[mamashakesit]

I'm not sure then how it works where you live. All I had to do was file it and they gave me a date to go meet with the coordinator and him, and get it set in place. It wasn't anything separate. If you filed already, what did they tell you the next step was?

I filed in January. They had a hell of a time getting a document that they needed from the state I was living in previously. All they needed was his place of employment...and I gave them that just recently, so I would think something would happen very soon. She said they didn't even need to serve him first...that they would worry about that once they got the employment verification and started garnishing his wages.

Can he even afford to take you to court? I've heard of plenty of jackass FOB's threatening it, and then never going through with it, either because they're trying to rile the mother up and don't really give a crap, or can't really afford to take the mother to court. I mean, if he can't even make the effort to support his child, what's even the likeliness he can afford a lawyer to represent him?

I think he is doing quite well at his new job... he is a hell of a salesman and was promoted within weeks. I think he could afford a lawyer, but he hates lawyers, so maybe he'll just let it slide - although my guess is that he's never going to leave me completely alone. He'll never want anything to do with the baby that requires any real work, but he'll never quite let it go, either.

 

[mamashakesit]

I'm not doing it unless he pays for it all! Fuck him! He owes me $1000, he's a deadbeat and he wants me to pay more to convenience him! No fucking way!

Pardon my language, but I just got my head right about this and I'm excited.

 

[hancake100]

I'm not sure then how it works where you live. All I had to do was file it and they gave me a date to go meet with the coordinator and him, and get it set in place. It wasn't anything separate. If you filed already, what did they tell you the next step was?

I filed in January. They had a hell of a time getting a document that they needed from the state I was living in previously. All they needed was his place of employment...and I gave them that just recently, so I would think something would happen very soon. She said they didn't even need to serve him first...that they would worry about that once they got the employment verification and started garnishing his wages.

Can he even afford to take you to court? I've heard of plenty of jackass FOB's threatening it, and then never going through with it, either because they're trying to rile the mother up and don't really give a crap, or can't really afford to take the mother to court. I mean, if he can't even make the effort to support his child, what's even the likeliness he can afford a lawyer to represent him?

I think he is doing quite well at his new job... he is a hell of a salesman and was promoted within weeks. I think he could afford a lawyer, but he hates lawyers, so maybe he'll just let it slide - although my guess is that he's never going to leave me completely alone. He'll never want anything to do with the baby that requires any real work, but he'll never quite let it go, either.

This is what I feel about my FOB, I know how your feeling hun x