Messy breakup, ex's mum playing dirty - help!

[wasey]

So my daughters father and I were on and off for the past few months. He cheated on me several times and I was just starting to get so tired of being a lapdog, so I finally, after a long time, worked up the guts to leave him.

Anyway he's asked to see my daughter. He's always welcome to come here to see her, getting to his (30 mins away) is a bit of a struggle sometimes as I don't drive and can't always get there. The past.... well, the last time he asked me to take her over I was busy, my friend was having a baby-get-together.

His mum is very strange. Basically, he started sending me nasty texts, saying he hopes I die so he can see his daughter, telling me to kill myself, etc. I told him I was seeing somebody else and to stop talking to me until he can talk nicely. His mum instantly texts me saying I had no right, how would I feel, I'm not catering for Summers needs because she doesn't see her dad...

My friend suggested going to CAB and going down that route, because his mum is the type who will start playing dirty, definitely. She is crazy. She thought it was disgusting that I hadn't taken LO to see her in like a week. My ex has bipolar/schizophrenia, is on 3(?) kinds of medication, signed off work, doesn't contribute financially towards Summer, and I also have horrible texts, including suicidal ones with photos of ropes tied to "kill himself" on my phone... What do I do? I don't want to go for custody if he's going to be allowed access without me there. He's never looked after her for longer than 20 minutes, when she's been asleep. When I took her to see him, she starts crying, he hands her back to me. When she was 2 weeks old, my mum caught him with his hands on her head trying to turn her head round.

I really have moved on, and I don't know what to do now. Nasty or not, he isn't fit to be a father. He is, and always reminds me, he is mentally ill. I always used to tell him it was no excuse for the things he did but he's always playing that card so you know, if he's using that then I will too.

 

[dustbunny]

"Excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments to nothing. For those who specialize in them shall never be good at anything else."

Love that quote! Excuses only work for so long... because people tend to get annoyed at having to also make excuses for other peoples rubbish behaviour. He has his issues, which are fair enough but it is unfair for him to expect you to play to his tune. If you're not happy with letting him see her alone then invite him round to yours or find a mutual place to meet. It shouldn't have to be just up to you to go to his every week, if he was that bothered he would make the effort himself too.

As for his mother... aren't FOB's mother lovely?!??!... I would ignore her. You can't accommodate for everybody, which might seem unfair but you would end up running your life around other people which is unfair in itself. It is time to be selfish... if she wishes to see her grandchild then it is in FOB's time, not her own special time. Sending rubbish texts etc is only serving to be detrimental to the whole situation.

I would hang in there, do what you think is best for LO. Don't feel pressurised into doing something because of what someone else is saying or hinting at. I personally wouldn't be happy with him staying with her alone, not after what your mum has caught him doing. Fight fire with fire, ignore them. Any court in the land would back you up.

 

[wasey]

Thank you I really feel like everybody is ganging up on me. His mum always has something to say, his dad sent me a text message today about how he was upset he didn't get a Christmas card to grandad at Christmas time. I feel like they see Summer as a toy, bring her here, do this. He's always been welcome to come here but he refuses because he "doesnt feel comfortable at mine". It's not down to me. If he wants to see his daughter he needs to make an effort.

 

[dustbunny]

Thank you I really feel like everybody is ganging up on me. His mum always has something to say, his dad sent me a text message today about how he was upset he didn't get a Christmas card to grandad at Christmas time. I feel like they see Summer as a toy, bring her here, do this. He's always been welcome to come here but he refuses because he "doesnt feel comfortable at mine". It's not down to me. If he wants to see his daughter he needs to make an effort.

Your last line is the most important one... "if he wants to see his daughter he needs to make an effort." You see your daughter every day, you get the lovely things but you also get the late nights, feeding, bathing, changing her... the not the so nice things. I think a lot of the FOB's in the world want to be the "super dad"... the fathers who swoop in on Birthdays and Christmases with the big presents and swish things only to walk away the next day. They also seem to think that it is all down to us [the mothers] to sort them out as well... he was 'mature' enough to have sex [i am presuming his mother wasn't there holding his hand as that would be a tad odd!]... so he can get his ass over to yours and 'endure' an hour of so in your company for the sake of your daughter. If not, his loss and not your problem.

 

[Mammy2Joojx]

Thank you I really feel like everybody is ganging up on me. His mum always has something to say, his dad sent me a text message today about how he was upset he didn't get a Christmas card to grandad at Christmas time. I feel like they see Summer as a toy, bring her here, do this. He's always been welcome to come here but he refuses because he "doesnt feel comfortable at mine". It's not down to me. If he wants to see his daughter he needs to make an effort.

grrrr it annoys me when FOB's say 'i'm not coming down as its too awkward' you'd think they'd be mature enough to put their feelings aside towards the mum & get on with it for the sake of the LO xx