MIL doing my head in

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by Cheshirista, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. Cheshirista

    Cheshirista Well-Known Member

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    I think that my MIL sees this as her baby or something.

    Every time I go for a scan or an appointment she asks me to ring her and tell her how it went. As if I have to report back to her or something. She relates everything I say or do to the baby, and to be honest, even though we've always got on well, it's stopping me going round there now because I can't have a normal conversation.

    But then, the other day, I said that I'd given OH instructions that I wasn't having any visitors after the baby comes until I'm well and truly ready. I'm going to ask for an early discharge if all goes smoothly so I can come home asap, and I'm certainly not having anyone at the hospital or straight away when I get home. They can wait until I say so.

    Then she said "Except us? I hope you're going to let us come straight away." In a really indignant way. I said "Nope, nobody." But I know they're going to be a problem. They only live 10 minutes away and I'm worried that I'm going to struggle to be left alone at all when LO is here. I know they're only excited, but they're doing my head in.

    My mum has 'decided' it would be useful if she came to stay for a few weeks as well, to 'help'. She lives abroad, so I'm willing to let her come for a week or so to see her new grandson, but a few weeks? No way. We need our own space.

    Why is everyone so hell bent on doing what they want regardless of my wishes? I think they're all being really selfish.
     
  2. sunflower2310

    sunflower2310 Well-Known Member

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    These Mothers are crazy! I feel you, my M-I-L is being fine however my Mother is adament she is coming over for 2 weeks every day to change feed the baby etc so my Husband and i can go do other things, and she just won't listen to me, but when others have given me advice she says it is your baby do as you want!! I think she is high of her rocker if she thinks she is coming over for more than a couple of hours in the 2 weeks period and doing more then cuddling him! My Husband says if we don't answer the door she cannot come in lol.
     
  3. jessiebella86

    jessiebella86 Well-Known Member

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    ive gotta say, it just sounds like your MIL is just really excited about meeting her grandchild. I know it can be a little overwhelming and could appear a little interfering but she is bound to want to see the baby as soon as she can.

    But you should definately stick to no visitors for the first few days if this is important to you. xx
     
  4. babyv_s2012

    babyv_s2012 1st little princess

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    I agree with the last post your mother in law is excited, naturally. Its better than her not being interested in the baby- as you say your mum lives abroad, maybe she's just trying to be a mother figure for you while your mum is away? My mum lives 200 miles away and my mil lives 6 doors away- she does the same thing but i wouldnt dream of turning her away. I think i'd be more upset if my mil didnt care or ask about how im getting on with my pregnancy.
    I agree that you and hubby and lo need time alone but i wouldnt turn family away completely- one day you might need them. :)
     
  5. Cheshirista

    Cheshirista Well-Known Member

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    I'm worried as well because my mum and MIL don't get on. Well, I say that, but actually my mum has a totally unreasonable problem with my MIL. I can't be arsed with having to oversee the politics between them, having them bickering, or bending over backwards to make sure they're both accommodated.

    I can just see the period after having LO as being stricken with family politics, overbearing relatives and stress. But maybe that's what it's like for everyone?
     
  6. Siuan

    Siuan Well-Known Member

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    I honestly don't see why it's a problem for your MIL to ask you to let her know how things have gone after a scan or a doctor's appointment? She's just showing an interest so far as I can tell and that's perfectly natural - she's excited about the new baby.

    I do share a concern with you that my MIL will be round more than I'd hope in the first couple of weeks/months as she's only 10 mins away, but then this is her grandchild (and her first which makes it more important for her) so I couldn't possibly insist on her not being there at all for some time. I'm sorry, but I really think it's quite unreasonable to make her wait to see her grandchild. She just wants to be involved.

    I think so long as she phones first to check it's ok (instead of just turning up) and abides by it if you say 'no' now and then (but you have to balance that by saying 'yes' more often!) then how is it an issue?

    Imagine how your MIL will feel if your Mum is allowed to stay for a week (or whatever) when your MIL isn't afforded the same courtesy? You and your partner are equal in this and so should the Mother's involvement be equal - your OH will want his Mum involved just as much as you want your Mum involved I'm sure.
     
  7. Alias

    Alias Mum to two

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    I have a MIL who lives 10 minutes away as well. While my DH was home after the baby was born, she'd just show up at random times. Or DH would have texted her to invite her down at 2, and she'd show up at 6 (when we'd finally got some quiet time eat!). It was a bit of a nightmare. We established some ground rules, like a basic phone call or text to confirm that it is ok to visit) and things got better. If she showed up without notice I'd chat with her for 10 minutes, then make an excuse why she had to leave. Then eventually she started listening to me when I told her what to expect from DD's routine (she obviously thought a routine was stupid, but DD was definitely a baby who needed one, still is!) Things have got a lot better, I'm hopeful that these boundries will be enforceable when number 2 shows up! In fairness it's great having MIL to help out with DD when she's sick and I've got to work, or when we're trying to get some DIY done in the house.
     
  8. mrsthomas623

    mrsthomas623 MommyToNolanAndPregnant!

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    I understand what you mean with wanting to know about every ultrasound and appointment. For me- its the way of asking/demanding mine does. Never a "please" just "Text me as soon as you are done." "Text me about the ultrasound" SHe rubs me the wrong way, when I am not pregnant I can handle her but when I am knocked up I cannot deal with her.

    Also, it is not unfair to want to bond with YOUR child. I allow one short visit at the hospital (we are there for at least 2 days) and then 2 week babymoon for DH, Nolan and I to bond with the new little guy. I find it quite selfish of other people to feel that they deserve to bond with the baby before the parents.
     
  9. Cheshirista

    Cheshirista Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. I know if I'm not firm about it they'll be on top of me as soon as i've given birth, she even wanted to be at the birth at one point! I soon put paid to that idea. I know she's only excited, but she really needs to back off because it's suffocating.

    I don't mind keeping them in the loop and they can of course visit after a few days, but the way they're demanding to know everything makes me feel that they don't respect the fact that this is my and OH's baby, and not the whole family's.
     
  10. MommyJaan

    MommyJaan Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes its better to stick to "come what may" rather than stress over the unavoidable. If she will want to come she will come. Deal with it then. You told her how you feel now leave the matter. BE HAPPY!!!!
     
  11. Mindy_mini

    Mindy_mini Mum2b of 2 under 2

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    Sorry but I think you're being a tad unfair. She sounds excited that's all. My mil asks for updates after scans mw appointments etc and I've never found it anything flattering that she's so interested in her grandchild. It's not like she's demanding to come to scans or saying we will be at the birth.

    I would say wait until you've had your baby before making calls in visitors and rules etc. I thought I wouldn't want visitors straight away but I was on such a high, I wanted to show my baby off to anyone who wanted to come in!

    I'd say three weeks is too long for your mum to come for but perhaps say you'd be happy for her to stay a week then maybe for her to go to another relatives/hotel for a bit longer so you can have some family time in your home.
     
  12. Mrs HM

    Mrs HM Well-Known Member

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    I' quite jealous of some of the ladies who have replied to this thread as I'm guessing they have lovely MILs! I have a MIL who is lovely when it suits, but who will also cry, beg and scream to get her own way regardless of the feelings of others.

    From my perspective nothing you have written is unreasonable. You are the mother, you will have given birth and you should decide who can visit your baby/home and when they are welcome. She is your child's grandparent, that is all, and she has no right to demand that her feelings to visit sooner should override yours to be left in peace for however long you decide.

    I'd tell her expect a call to let her know she is welcome to visit. If she insists on coming sooner I wouldn't hesitate to point out just how rude she is being by forcing herslef on you. Excited/interested or not, first grandchild or fourteenth, her needs should not supersede yours.
     
  13. harrybaby

    harrybaby Well-Known Member

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    I will admit that at first my MIL was a bit full on, my mum lives miles away where as my in laws live locally so they do help us out alot.

    Leading up to and when my daughter was born she used always dictate things I should do, used to make comments like "I think you shoudl do this" and "she is my baby too" etc etc - used to really do my head in. Lyla was born a few days before christmas, and we spent christmas eve, day and boxing day at their house. Problem was, my baby got passed round like a parcel whilst sat in the spare room (my milk had come in) and I was all upset and felt like I was just a feeding machine.

    Anyhoo, 3 yrs my MIL has chilled right out, shes learnt the hard way to just listen to what I say as its saves her time and effort in the long run. Nowadays she looks after Lyla a few days a week for us, and Lyla loves her and her grandad to bits. They have their own special relationship which I am happy to support.

    MIL's are hard, and you need to help them find their feet as grandparents and learn about overstepping boundaries. All I would say is dont upset them too much, they are the most valuable asset you can have for the future - you just gotta train them!!
     
  14. XxSamBxX

    XxSamBxX Mom & Expecting #2

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    I wish my MIL would even show the slightest interest in the baby because she seriously isnt interested and refuses to even ask how baby is getting on and hasnt seen a scan picture since 9wks.

    Your MIL sounds sweet (yes slightly overwhelming) & has good intentions maybe if you just sat down with her and told her you want it to be just you, OH & LO for the first week she should understand. IF she doesnt listen then when your at hospital you tell the nurses you are to have no visitors except OH and the hospital have to respect that.
     
  15. themaybaby

    themaybaby Well-Known Member

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    You sound kinda mean, everyone is excited about a new baby, her son is having a baby. That's it.. She's excited.. I like when my mil and my mom talk about the baby, and they do so all the time. Just be thankful your child will have grandparents that want to be around it.
     
  16. Cheshirista

    Cheshirista Well-Known Member

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    I'm not even talking a week, I'm talking a day or two instead of waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour!

    Jeez, everyone on here'd think I'd said she could never see the baby. Yes, she's well intentioned, but she's being incredibly overbearing and not listening to me at all.
     
  17. Cheshirista

    Cheshirista Well-Known Member

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    Thanks. That was a bit unnecessary.
     
  18. yumosh

    yumosh Well-Known Member

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    You're lucky! My MIL has lost interest in her first grandchild. Never calls to say how are you? Etc. We on good terms but think she's kinda jealous cos her son has to prioritise his own family now. DOnt know. It's sad. I'd like her to show an interest as my mum lives far and is immobile so can't travel.

    Do you not get on with your mum? Remember your child might do same to you one day.
    I don't have much choice as my lot will come round ASAP. But it's an exciting tine for families. When my mum comes she'll be looking after me while I look after the baby.

    It takes a village to raise a child. Perhaps it's time to embrace your family and their good intentions. I'm not judging as don't know how close you are but your mum is the most important person after the baby. You will become one and see.
     
  19. Jaylynne

    Jaylynne Well-Known Member

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    Nah, I get what you're saying and I don't think you're mean. This woman is used to calling the shots with everything related to her son and now she can't. It's a hard transition for her to learn. I'd just be firm but kind and let her know that this is the time that is special for just you, baby, and DH and after a few days of recovery you'd be happy to have her for a short visit as you don't want to wear out LO. Some MILs need to be handled with kid gloves so they don't lose enthusiasm but they don't try to suffocate you. Good luck!
     
  20. Cheshirista

    Cheshirista Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I do get on with my mum, but I don't want or need a house guest for several weeks, and neither does OH need someone else around when he's getting back from work in the evenings. Again, she meant well by saying it, and I'm happy to have her for a week (not immediately once LO is born, but after a few days or so), but we need our own space as a new family and, to be quite frank, after a week I'll be glad to get my space back.
     

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