MIL doing my head in

[Kristin52]

I completely understand. And am having the same problem. It's going as far as I want to change my son's name because I'm getting tired of hearing her say it, which means she says it every god damn minute.

Everyone says, "It's the first grandbaby", well guess what? I honestly, don't care.
he's MY first baby. which means, if you try to over step me, and if you keep acting like you are, I won't stand for it.

Worst part is, she thinks I'm joking every time I tell her she needs to back off and leave me and OH to be parents.

I probably sound horrid and bitter, but it's how I feel. So I won't sit here and tell you that you sound mean, and harsh. Because I completely understand.

I'm also not saying I'm ungrateful for her or she's a horrible woman, and I do care for her deeply, but come on! I'm not up your ass about everything you do!


end rant.

 

[Futuremommy1]

We all have different situations. But some people on here calling the OP mean or think she's overreacting or being unfair are doing the same thing. We are all entitled to how we feel and how we treat our own families. To tell her to get over it or just be happy someone is obviously stressing her out seems a bit ridiculous.

Yes some of us don't have mothers to share this wonderful time with or we absolutely LOVE our in-laws or WISH our families were more excited an involved in our pregnancy and their future child, grandchild, niece, nephew etc but that's not her situation.

We should all be able to raise our children the way we want and to se boundaries we feel are necessary for our own sanity and that of our children. A lot of us are FTMs and we aren't sure how we will feel once we give birth but currently the OP's MIL is overstepping her boundaries. And in any situation where that happens regardless of what you consider the boundary, I think it's best to stop it before it becomes a habit that causes permanent damage. Resentment in families is hard to overcome.

So OP, you don't want people to come over the first couple of days or even the first month that is you and your DH's right and everyone including excited grandparents should respect that. I think in situations like yours you just have to be firm. Repeat your wishes and if all else fails if she or anyone just shows up without an invite or your acknowledgement you tell them you don't want visitors. Like a pp said she needed to establish a routine with her child early and no one should change that.


Good Luck!!!!

 

[CharlotteLove]

Do NOTTTTTTTTT let your mom stay with you for weeks after. You and your husband need time alone to bond with the baby. I'm SURE she will understand that.

 

[Borboleta]

My MIL is really wonderful but a little overbearing. She has bought all the baby clothes and other things that baby needs ( all I bought is one pair of shoes on sale from target). I know she has good intentions and want to be close to her grandchild and I am preparing myself for once the baby is here she will probably stay with us for at least a couple of weeks. I don't have my mom anymore and my dad and sister live in another country ( they are coming to see the baby when he is a little older). I know from my SIL that my MIL was practically living with them when she had her first. And after a while they had to tell her that they needed some alone time with the baby. She got her feelings hurt but eventually she understood the message. The good thing is that my hubby has the same personality as his mom and if he needs to be nasty with her he will have no trouble doing it . Hopefully we will not have to go there but I know my hubby will listen to me if I get a little overwhelmed with his mom staying for too long.

 

[Apres]

OP you set the boundaries you think are necessary. I think it's very unfair to tell a pregnant woman she's being mean because she wants alone time with her baby once it's born. Like we pregnant women don't have enough on our plates. It's not like she's saying she will move thousands of miles away and keep the baby away from her forever. I think it's your time with baby and if right now you think you want to be alone with your OH and baby for the first week or so, that is your right. Who knows if you'll change your mind. maybe you will, maybe you won't. I do think it's important to set some fair rules

 

[XxSamBxX]

I'm not even talking a week, I'm talking a day or two instead of waiting at the hospital while I'm in labour!

Jeez, everyone on here'd think I'd said she could never see the baby. Yes, she's well intentioned, but she's being incredibly overbearing and not listening to me at all.

i didnt mean it in a nasty way (i'm not like that) i just meant that i wish my MIL would take the slightest bit of interest so im actually jealous of yours thats all sorry if it came across nasty i never suggested she couldnt see the baby.

you do what you need to do this is yours and your OH's special time everyone else needs to understand they will get their time with baby.

 

[Jaylynne]

Everyone's MIL is different. My MIl is quite nice and even though we aren't particularly close, she respects our wishes and we in turn make every effort to see her included. It's kinda hard to judge someone else's MIL situation accurately unless you have gone through the same situation for example saying since you either don't have a MIL living or one who doesn't wish to be bothered. I'm sure if you had the opposite issue you would be upset too. It's just a delicate situation to balance.

Side note: where the hell do all these nightmare MILs come from?!? I just don't get how selfish some MIL stories are in here! Are they demons masquerading as older women?!

 

[RoccosMom]

I completely understand where you’re coming from, I same the same problem, I like my space and I too want to be alone with my husband and LO for the first couple days, my MIL can be very intense and intrusive and she doesn’t realise it.

You will have to explain your self pretty well to your husband without being too aggressive about the whole thing and stand your ground.

Think about your self, you’re the one who just gave birth, the whole process from conception to birth is a big emotional rollercoaster it self, I too will need time alone with my little family before my house becomes circus filled with people.

We are all different, my sister in law is the complete opposite, I really take my intimacy seriously.

 

[JessicaMarie]

It was hard for me when we had my daughter because we had a ton of visitors when she was a week old. Everyone wanted to hold her, and even my husband was saying stuff like, "oh let your sister hold her, she has to leave soon and then you can hold her again" (in front of my sister, so I felt like i had no choice or I looked like a brat). Not sure what to do this time around bc now my daughter will be 22 months and we will probably need the help.

I would just make sure (and it sounds like you are doing this) that everyone is clear on what you want so it doesnt come as a shock when they think they are welcome at the hospital and they are not! My FIL announced that he was on his way (driving 5 hrs) to see us when my LO was in the hospital. I was so pissed. I was kind of glad she was in the NICU in the time so he could only see her through the glass.

 

[Lilac_cloud]

Haha! OMG hun I know exactly what you mean about MIL. They are a flipping nightmare. I completely agree with you about people keeping AWAY after you've had the baby. I mean, for goodness sakes! You and your baby are not an entertainment package!!! Haven't discussed with my husband yet but I'm telling him that I want to be left alone for 2 days AT LEAST, and then if MIL wants to come over she can stay half an hour and then go. It's not like she'll be offering to help out or do the housework/ironing/cooking etc. She'll just want to come over and hold the baby and be sodding entertained!!! Argh don't get me started.

 

[Wantingbbbump]

I know how you feel but it's not my MIL it's my mom and my friends. I have told a few people that they can be there when I have Airyonna but I will be holding her for as long as I wish before they get to!!! When I had my oldest everyone passed her around and it was about a hour and a half before I got to hold her after getting to hold her for less then 3 mins. It really messed with my bonding with her. This baby I will be getting my way. Anyways I have said that due to it still being RSV and FLU season that I won't be having family and friends over until after her shots. So for at least 6 weeks and OMG people are having a cow over this. My mom has said that she will be over everyday and will NOT be there to help me with my other 4 kids, housework of any kind or cooking. She has made it very clear that I can do that while she holds Airy. This really makes me mad. It's MY baby and I will NOT be able to do the housework for a few weeks after she is born. I have also said that I want nobody at my house when my other kids are at school so I can spend time with my last baby alone!!! She has said Airy is her baby too and she will be over no matter what!!! I feel for you I really DO!!

 

[RoccosMom]

I know how you feel but it's not my MIL it's my mom and my friends. I have told a few people that they can be there when I have Airyonna but I will be holding her for as long as I wish before they get to!!! When I had my oldest everyone passed her around and it was about a hour and a half before I got to hold her after getting to hold her for less then 3 mins. It really messed with my bonding with her. This baby I will be getting my way. Anyways I have said that due to it still being RSV and FLU season that I won't be having family and friends over until after her shots. So for at least 6 weeks and OMG people are having a cow over this. My mom has said that she will be over everyday and will NOT be there to help me with my other 4 kids, housework of any kind or cooking. She has made it very clear that I can do that while she holds Airy. This really makes me mad. It's MY baby and I will NOT be able to do the housework for a few weeks after she is born. I have also said that I want nobody at my house when my other kids are at school so I can spend time with my last baby alone!!! She has said Airy is her baby too and she will be over no matter what!!! I feel for you I really DO!!

That sucks!! I've been carrying this little guy inside of me for almost 6 months, I can't wait to hold him

 

[bumpbear]

Maybe I am an oversharer, but I have requests from all members of my family to call them after each scan and mid wife appointment to give updates and I do - thats DH's parents, my mum, 7 of our siblings and their spouses! I get calls weekly from each too to see how we are doing. Maybe its because I am from a big family, but we're the 'it takes a village to raise a child' kind of people so I actually quite enjoy doing this - and am pleasantly surprised that our family are still excited given that this is grandbaby no.5 on DH side, and no.4 on mine. Its not like its a new concept, but everyone seems to want to share our happiness and I am more than pleased to oblige!

Having said that, if I were from a smaller family or used to a more intimate/private style of living, I can see why that kind of behaviour would be seen as an infuriating intrusion. To the OP, I say do what makes you happy, but try not to alienate MIL too much: you said that you have a good relationship so do your best to keep it that way and keep her involved to the extent that you think is appropriate.

 

[Jaylynne]

Wtf wantingbbbump?? Your mom is basically hijacking your newborn so YOU have to clean and watch the other kids?! Isn't that ass backwards of it's supposed to be? And don't get me started on the "it's my baby too" bullish!t. When she pops out a baby then she can make those idiotic statements. I can't believe someone would actually say that or even think it! I hope you told her where to go.