Imalia
Missing my angel baby
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2010
- Messages
- 211
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In a bit of a funny mood tonight, probably going to ramble a bit.
In this huge world of real life friends, forums, supports groups and what have you, I still feel so utterly alone. Like no one can understand me, or how I feel. Starting to get to the point where some days I really don't want to get out of bed and face another day of this.
We've been ttc altogether for close to 14 years, and we still don't have a baby to keep. I have mild pcos (although I do regularly ovulate on my own) and DH has no issues, every doctor we see tells us there's no reason we shouldn't be able to have a baby, and despite fighting, our gp won't even refer us to a fertility specialist. His attitude is "They can't magically make you pregnant, you're already doing everything you can, there's no point"
We've actually gotten bfp's five times, and if a pregnancy can go wrong, I've done them all. mc at 6 weeks in 1998, mc at 8 weeks in 2008 (yes, you read right, ten years ttc with not even a hint of a bfp) an ectopic in 2009 and last year in July we lost our son at 20 weeks due to problems with the placenta and cord, plus a chemical last month. I'm so sick and tired of it all. Sick of seeing nearly everyone around me get virtually effortless bfp's, sick of feeling like no one else has any troubles in pregnancy. Sick of doctors not listening to us, going to scream at the hospital when they tell me "next time" is going to be fine. Well what if there isn't a next time? Sick of people telling me what I should be doing with my life. I know what my life should be, thank you very much. It should be as the mother to a five month old boy, but it's not.
I'm running out of positivity and hope and belief. I wish I knew what I had done to deserve this, what awful terrible thing I have done to need this kind of punishment. Maybe I was Ghengis Khan in a previous life or something. Sometimes I think I should just give up, that my life would be easier and happier if I could just let go of the dream and be happy with what I have. But I can't.
I think terrible things, everytime I hear that another friend, or family member, or friends family member is pregnant. I hate them, really and truly I do. It's not fair that they get to get pregnant quickly, it's not fair that they have smooth trouble free pregnancies and perfectly happy, healthy babies, and it's not fair that I have to watch it all happen, and more than anything else it's not fair they get to have their babies and I don't have mine. So I'm a bad person, I admit that. I'm hurt and angry and bitter and I can't be happy for others, not anymore. I'm starting to feel like anyone who hasn't experienced a loss, or LTTTC, doesn't deserve to be pregnant when there's me, and so many others who know what it's like, who would appreciate it more, who know how precious it is, and not something to be taken for granted.
In this huge world of real life friends, forums, supports groups and what have you, I still feel so utterly alone. Like no one can understand me, or how I feel. Starting to get to the point where some days I really don't want to get out of bed and face another day of this.
We've been ttc altogether for close to 14 years, and we still don't have a baby to keep. I have mild pcos (although I do regularly ovulate on my own) and DH has no issues, every doctor we see tells us there's no reason we shouldn't be able to have a baby, and despite fighting, our gp won't even refer us to a fertility specialist. His attitude is "They can't magically make you pregnant, you're already doing everything you can, there's no point"
We've actually gotten bfp's five times, and if a pregnancy can go wrong, I've done them all. mc at 6 weeks in 1998, mc at 8 weeks in 2008 (yes, you read right, ten years ttc with not even a hint of a bfp) an ectopic in 2009 and last year in July we lost our son at 20 weeks due to problems with the placenta and cord, plus a chemical last month. I'm so sick and tired of it all. Sick of seeing nearly everyone around me get virtually effortless bfp's, sick of feeling like no one else has any troubles in pregnancy. Sick of doctors not listening to us, going to scream at the hospital when they tell me "next time" is going to be fine. Well what if there isn't a next time? Sick of people telling me what I should be doing with my life. I know what my life should be, thank you very much. It should be as the mother to a five month old boy, but it's not.
I'm running out of positivity and hope and belief. I wish I knew what I had done to deserve this, what awful terrible thing I have done to need this kind of punishment. Maybe I was Ghengis Khan in a previous life or something. Sometimes I think I should just give up, that my life would be easier and happier if I could just let go of the dream and be happy with what I have. But I can't.
I think terrible things, everytime I hear that another friend, or family member, or friends family member is pregnant. I hate them, really and truly I do. It's not fair that they get to get pregnant quickly, it's not fair that they have smooth trouble free pregnancies and perfectly happy, healthy babies, and it's not fair that I have to watch it all happen, and more than anything else it's not fair they get to have their babies and I don't have mine. So I'm a bad person, I admit that. I'm hurt and angry and bitter and I can't be happy for others, not anymore. I'm starting to feel like anyone who hasn't experienced a loss, or LTTTC, doesn't deserve to be pregnant when there's me, and so many others who know what it's like, who would appreciate it more, who know how precious it is, and not something to be taken for granted.
I am so sorry. I lost my Ava at 18 weeks 6 weeks ago and I hear well at least you have 3 healthy boys 
