Faithforever
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- Oct 7, 2013
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Hi Ladies.
I miscarried our first child in May this year and had a real tough time with accepting the reality of what was happening. After a month or so I wrote some words down to try and grasp how I was feeling. The below is my memoir. It was never written for sharing but I hope it might help some women see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might not make complete sense and it is a little disjointed but that's simply because I haven't edited since I wrote it and this is just how I felt at the time- broken and disjointed.
Enjoy xoxo
July 18th
Putting these simple letters together on a page to create words probably won't help to accept or comprehend the pain and the emotion involved in losing a child, but it goes a little way to expressing those emotions in a world and a society that tries to deny such things exist. A taboo.
Time doesn't heal but it proves your endurance
You are not alone
A pain that only someone who has been through this personally would be able to share. A pain you wish you never had to share with anyone. A pain that you would much rather never know existed.
People say that it will be ok, and you know one day it will be- when that day will come, no one will know.
The words "prepare for the worst but hope for the best" was repeated regularly. Almost like these nurses are taught the sentence that can shatter your every dream yet create so much hope in complete juxtaposition- leaving you clueless and vulnerable.
Life is so delicate. Grief of any kind gives you the clarity to appreciate life that little bit more.
Those hands that you dreamt of holding, those cries that you hoped to calm and that life that you created that would change yours forever is suddenly gone.
As a successful, intelligent and independent woman previously, I became lost and unidentified with any of those verbs. Distant from my partner, my family but mainly myself. Lost in a world of confusion, disappointment and anger. Why me.
For a while I almost sat watching my life in third person, on the side lines observing from a far. The disconnection with reality didn't last long, maybe only hours at a time, a few days perhaps, but it felt like months and years. The development that took place inside of me and in my relationship was priceless. Forcing you to confront fears you didn't know you had and utter lows that you thought existed only in Hollywood's depiction of hell. Depression- maybe, denial- probably so, grief-most definitely. But at the time it seems like you are the first person, and only person, to ever have these feelings and to have ever been through this pain.
Internal dialog became a lot more realistic and accurate than anything that came out of my mouth. It was easier to say I was ok or coping alright because saying how I felt out loud made it real, and in no way did I want this to be real. I wanted it to be better and perfect, to have a miraculous turn around and for everything to be ok. But, in the depths of gut instinct, I knew this pregnancy wasn't going to be ok. In all instances a mothers instinct is to protect her child, no matter how small, but for a while it was easier to protect myself, so I remained externally optimistic but internally realistic. Soon enough though, that too became unsustainable.
The heavily pregnant lady on the street drinking coffee, the mother in the supermarket shouting at her child, or the woman you saw holding her baby while smoking a cigarette all deserved to be mothers, but for some reason this was denied to you. The torture of self blame kicks in and you live another day in dire straits.
You have to turn it around- endure the pain and use it as fuel. This time wasn't right but have faith that timing is everything. You are not in control of the outcome but can only have hope that there is a bigger and better plan out there waiting for you. Regardless of religion, putting beliefs aside- in any situation you have to make the best of what you have and when there seems like a world surrounded by only disappointment it cannot do any harm to simply accept that this wasn't meant to be.
I look back on how far I have come, how far my husband has come and most of all the distance that we have come together. Life will throw hurdles in your path, some of them minor and some of them major but each and every one of them forces you to jump; they make you take your feet off the ground for long enough to learn which path you will land back on. Have faith that after the hurdle your feet will land safely, and firmly, on the route that you are supposed to be.
Without hesitation I know we will be better parents because of this journey. We found ourselves without even knowing we were lost. From disaster we created a more beautiful bond to start our family with.
How selfish it is to know that you will never again feel that unperturbed, naive sensation of absolute happiness when you see a positive pregnancy test. Knowing that when the time comes to try for another baby, a shadow of doubt and worry will always creep in on your moment of bliss. From the moment you see your first positive pregnancy test you become a mother, whether or not you get to nurse that child is irrelevant- life will never be the same again. Worry is natural, caring is not optional and moving forward is a necessity.
This too shall pass.
I miscarried our first child in May this year and had a real tough time with accepting the reality of what was happening. After a month or so I wrote some words down to try and grasp how I was feeling. The below is my memoir. It was never written for sharing but I hope it might help some women see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might not make complete sense and it is a little disjointed but that's simply because I haven't edited since I wrote it and this is just how I felt at the time- broken and disjointed.
Enjoy xoxo
July 18th
Putting these simple letters together on a page to create words probably won't help to accept or comprehend the pain and the emotion involved in losing a child, but it goes a little way to expressing those emotions in a world and a society that tries to deny such things exist. A taboo.
Time doesn't heal but it proves your endurance
You are not alone
A pain that only someone who has been through this personally would be able to share. A pain you wish you never had to share with anyone. A pain that you would much rather never know existed.
People say that it will be ok, and you know one day it will be- when that day will come, no one will know.
The words "prepare for the worst but hope for the best" was repeated regularly. Almost like these nurses are taught the sentence that can shatter your every dream yet create so much hope in complete juxtaposition- leaving you clueless and vulnerable.
Life is so delicate. Grief of any kind gives you the clarity to appreciate life that little bit more.
Those hands that you dreamt of holding, those cries that you hoped to calm and that life that you created that would change yours forever is suddenly gone.
As a successful, intelligent and independent woman previously, I became lost and unidentified with any of those verbs. Distant from my partner, my family but mainly myself. Lost in a world of confusion, disappointment and anger. Why me.
For a while I almost sat watching my life in third person, on the side lines observing from a far. The disconnection with reality didn't last long, maybe only hours at a time, a few days perhaps, but it felt like months and years. The development that took place inside of me and in my relationship was priceless. Forcing you to confront fears you didn't know you had and utter lows that you thought existed only in Hollywood's depiction of hell. Depression- maybe, denial- probably so, grief-most definitely. But at the time it seems like you are the first person, and only person, to ever have these feelings and to have ever been through this pain.
Internal dialog became a lot more realistic and accurate than anything that came out of my mouth. It was easier to say I was ok or coping alright because saying how I felt out loud made it real, and in no way did I want this to be real. I wanted it to be better and perfect, to have a miraculous turn around and for everything to be ok. But, in the depths of gut instinct, I knew this pregnancy wasn't going to be ok. In all instances a mothers instinct is to protect her child, no matter how small, but for a while it was easier to protect myself, so I remained externally optimistic but internally realistic. Soon enough though, that too became unsustainable.
The heavily pregnant lady on the street drinking coffee, the mother in the supermarket shouting at her child, or the woman you saw holding her baby while smoking a cigarette all deserved to be mothers, but for some reason this was denied to you. The torture of self blame kicks in and you live another day in dire straits.
You have to turn it around- endure the pain and use it as fuel. This time wasn't right but have faith that timing is everything. You are not in control of the outcome but can only have hope that there is a bigger and better plan out there waiting for you. Regardless of religion, putting beliefs aside- in any situation you have to make the best of what you have and when there seems like a world surrounded by only disappointment it cannot do any harm to simply accept that this wasn't meant to be.
I look back on how far I have come, how far my husband has come and most of all the distance that we have come together. Life will throw hurdles in your path, some of them minor and some of them major but each and every one of them forces you to jump; they make you take your feet off the ground for long enough to learn which path you will land back on. Have faith that after the hurdle your feet will land safely, and firmly, on the route that you are supposed to be.
Without hesitation I know we will be better parents because of this journey. We found ourselves without even knowing we were lost. From disaster we created a more beautiful bond to start our family with.
How selfish it is to know that you will never again feel that unperturbed, naive sensation of absolute happiness when you see a positive pregnancy test. Knowing that when the time comes to try for another baby, a shadow of doubt and worry will always creep in on your moment of bliss. From the moment you see your first positive pregnancy test you become a mother, whether or not you get to nurse that child is irrelevant- life will never be the same again. Worry is natural, caring is not optional and moving forward is a necessity.
This too shall pass.
xx
all the best for TTC and it being perfect next time round xx
