Miscarriage at 18 wks

[imissmybabyja]

I was 18 weeks pregnant until 04/21. I felt labor contractions the afternoon before. I felt it through the night. Was told it could be stretching pains. At 4:30am, I went to the bathroom and so dark blood in my discharge. I panicked and went to the ER. They checked my baby and we saw it waving. They said all looked ok. That the bleeding was from a polyp in my cervix and it shouldn't affect the baby. They didn't know what caused my pain. Said it could be muscular pain. I went home but called my doc. Told him my pain continued and I would like to see a Maternal Fetal Care specialist. Baby was fine again. The measurements all looked good but they too couldn't figure I was having pain. I asked them if there was a way to check if it were contractions. They said they didn't have the equipment for it. They also thought it was ligament pains. I went home thinking I am so silly. Why couldn't I bear some stretching pains. So I bore and bore until I was in tears. I called the doc again and he said it could be a bladder infection and he was going to prescribe antibiotics. This was at 6pm. Then he asked "are you crying?" I said "yes". He said take a Tylenol and if the pain doesn't subside in an hr go to the ER. I debated taking the Tylenol thinking if it's stretching pains I will bear it. I will do anything for my baby. At 6:15pm my water broke. I knows it was my water and not any clot since it didn't have any blood. My husband said it can't be water. Baby is going to be fine. I called the doc to let him know. And the answering service asked me "what's wrong"... I said "my water broke@... She said "listen your water doesn't break at 18 weeks"... I got upset and said "pls connect me with my doc he knows my case. She said "don't give me attitude". I went to the ER and I felt I wet my pants again. I asked the doc "did my water break?" He said "let's check" and then said "u r having a miscarriage, the process has begun". I delivered my baby at 7:30. And then they took me in the operating room to remove my placenta. I came to know I had a baby boy. I did a burial for him. I miss him in me. I miss being pregnant. When I saw milk in my breasts it hurt emotionally. Everyone expects me to move on. That it was bad luck/fate. Perhaps it was. But I am not able to move on. I want to be pregnant again but something in my heart tells me this was it. I am 34 years old, will be 35 in a few mths. Perhaps I am not healthy. Perhaps I don't deserve a second chance. Perhaps it was Gods way of letting me know that?

 

[kgriffin]

This has nothing to do with you being unworthy. Im so sorry you are going through this.

 

[MumToEva]

so sorry for the loss of your little boy

Wanted to say as well, I think that fear of never being able to have a baby is a common feeling for most people who have suffered a loss. I know i convinced myself that I would never get to have a healthy, take-home baby after my 2 miscarriages (at 10 weeks and 8 weeks - by no means the same as an 18 week loss, but heartbreaking none the less), but I now have 2 healthy children and I was also in my 30s when I had them both. So please don't lose hope!

 

[busytulip]

I just wanted to say that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I think that we all grieve in our own way and that you shouldn't listen to what others say about how you are handling things. Please know that you are not alone and that there isn't anything that you have done that would make you undeserving of having a child.

 

[Hopeful1479]

I am truly sorry for your loss... I don't have experience with this so I don't know how you are feeling but I know how it would effect me. What I can say is that this was in no part your fault or that you are not worthy of a baby, terrible things happen to good people all the time, there is no doubt in my mind that you did not love and want your baby. I hope in time that you can feel at peace with this loss...

 

[nessaw]

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost twins at 15 wks. There's is nothing that you could have done and nothing that you have ever done to stop what happened. It is scary to think about ttc again and what will happen if and when you get pg again. It's really a case of one day at a day. We are just about to start ttc again. This was our 2nd loss and we have no children yet. We're both 38 and terrified but guess we just have to keep in going. Am so sorry you've had such a dreadful time. Good luck and hugs to you and your family.x

 

[Andypanda6570]

Nothing is your fault, blaming yourself is normal in the process of grieving

Bad things happen to good people and great things happen to bad people
I am so very sorry for your loss.. You will have your rainbow, don't ever give up

 

[meli1981]

I am so sorry for your loss dont blame yourself....and never give up....you will get your rainbow baby

 

[sandilion]

I am in tears reading this Op ... I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I cant even imagine how it must feel....no words could describe it.

You are worthy. This is such an unfortunate thing that isn't your fault. Could they give you any reasons to why this happened? I am so sorry love.

 

[indigo_fairy]

You did everything you possibly could as a mother to protect your baby, you couldn't have done more, I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[DebooD]

Dear Friend,
Don't give up hope. I just lost my baby at 23w+2d. Its horrifying. I'm feeling better(more than a week since this happened) now but I don't know how long before I feel in the pits again. Its like the darkest place I've ever been in my life. And I was so close.

Yet I am confident that things will work out for you. Please rest, physically and emotionally. The fact that our bodies start preparing for childbirth so early on in our lives, we kind of believe that we are so worthless when things go wrong. But we are so much more than that. Please give yourself credit, know that you are precious.

Things will get better with time. Surround yourself with loved ones and things you like. DO things you like, and know that you didn't do anything wrong.

Just get the best medical attention available to you the next time around.

And get yourself heard, that helped.

XOXO to you and your wonderful family.

 

[chistiana]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Please please never think it was your fault n never ever give up. I was told at age 23 I would never have kids. I ve had 3mmc but I also have 2 healthy babies. How I love to rub them in those incompetent doctors face! I refuse to let this beat me. My doc says I might mc another 10 times or get another rainbow whenever. I ll keep trying for my rainbow. And once you feel ready you ll try n you ll have your rainbow. You have a beautiful angel looking over you. And you don't have to move on. Let them say. You will move on n the pain will be easier but right now you re allowed to grieve n feel whichever way you want. Hugs

 

[Emmasmom2]

I know your pain all too well and words cannot describe how sorry I am. My baby girls was born alive at 19 weeks on 4/21. She lived for 5 minutes and then she left us. That day and what happened leading up to it is seared into my brain forever. I question everything, my doctors who made incompetent decisions, my own actions, everything. I do feel in my heart that her death could have been avoided and it just kills me. I don't know how to live with all this guilt, regret, sadness, and lost hope. They say it gets easier with time but I also feel that time sort of puts a barrier between me and her, and I wish that I could go back to when she was inside of me. I am still having hard time accepting that she is gone. Only her memory box and her ashes sitting on my dresser tell me otherwise. I hope we both find peace. Hugs...