Miscarriage awareness and support

[LynAnne]

In the 13 months between January 2015 and February 2016 I suffered from five first trimester losses. I had three early losses between 4-6 weeks (Feb '15, Dec '15 & Feb '16), an ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks (Apr '15) and a missed miscarriage discovered at 9w5d (Aug '15). It's obviously something that profoundly changed me and even now, two years on (and fortunately two successful pregnancies later) I still feel impacted by those losses. I still want to talk about what I went through. I do however feel like that there are less and less people I can talk to about it as there tends to be a belief that, with the time that has passed coupled with the fact I'm lucky to have two healthy boys, I should be over it. I should have moved on. In many ways I have but it's something that has shaped me into who I am now and I don't think they should be forgotten about.

It's made me think about the support that is out there for those currently experiencing a pregnancy loss or, like myself, still dealing with its aftermath. With it being such a taboo subject even now it isn't always the easiest thing to talk about for many of us. I know that many people can turn to family, there's medical professionals, forums like these and charities dedicated to loss. Sometimes I feel as though I simply want to talk to someone who has had a similar experience, someone I don't necessarily know. As horrible as it sounds, I took some comfort in knowing I wasn't the only person to experience loss or have those feelings. I have decided I want to be that person for other people. I just don't know how to go about it.

I used to write a blog (before all this happened) and wonder if doing something similar would be a good starting point? Create a community where people could share their experiences, I could continue to share mine and there could even be success stories. The only thing with a blog is I'm not sure how I become that "person" that people feel they can talk to, confidentially etc.

Is there anything that you wish you had (now or in the past) to help you through the grieving process?

 

[annio84]

Hi LynAnne, firstly sorry for your losses.

I had a loss at 14 weeks in January 2017 and have since gone on to have a rainbow baby in January this year. I do feel as though people think I should just get over it now and don't want me to talk about it. It doesn't go away though, at the end of the day my baby died and having another one now doesn't replace that baby.

I don't know if you use twitter but I follow along with a chat #babylosshour. It's 8pm on a tuesday evening (uk time) and anyone can join in. This week is babyloss awareness week in the UK (starting tomorrow I believe) so there is a chat every night at 8pm. The one tomorrow is being led by someone from the miscarriage association.

This lady on instagram runs the chat I believe.

If you use instagram try searching for #babylossawareness or #miscarriage and maybe follow some of the profiles that come up or get chatting to them. Also using those # on instagram and twitter relating to a blog if you were to start one so people will find you.

The one thing I will say about the babyloss community as I have found it online is that a lot of what I have found has been focused on later losses. I would definitely get involved if there was somewhere I felt I belonged more - I tend to follow along with #babylosshour but I've never posted because most of the other ladies seem to have had later losses and talk about their babies by name. As I mentioned above my loss was at 14 weeks so my experience was that I had a second trimester loss, but actually my baby had died around 12 weeks, probably the day after my 12 week scan, and so technically I didn't.

Feel free to message me on here if you want to chat about your ideas and let us know if you do go ahead and get something started, I would certainly get involved.

 

[LynAnne]

I have to agree that a large part of the loss community is later losses where parents talk about their babies by name. As someone who only experienced first trimester losses this isn't a place I feel I fit in. Sometimes it makes my losses feel lesser and my grief/experience not as worthy of being talked about. That is exactly what I want to achieve by setting something up to do with loss - a place for early losses with nameless babies as well as later pregnancy and babies losses.

I've spent the last week or two attempting to brainstorm a few ideas ( a website, Facebook group, shop where a percentage of profits would go to miscarriage charities etc) but it's a work in progress for sure.

 

[annio84]

I totally understand what you mean. My baby didn't have a name but I still loved him (I was sure he was a boy although I don't know for certain)

A facebook group could be a good starting point to build a community and then move on to other things such as a blog or website. I would certainly join. As I previously said I'd be very happy to get involved it's something I feel very passionate about.

 

[lesondemavie]

I wish I had known about the anger. That part took me by surprise and made me feel ugly. I needed to feel it fully though to move past it. Once I accepted the angry awful thoughts, I was able to realize I didn’t really wish horrible things upon those who were pregnant around me...I just wished they weren’t there as a reminder...I was just hurting.



I also wish I had known that it was ok to ask those I loved who were expecting to give me space, to let me reach out when I was ready, to be uncomfortable for me if we had to be together and I wasn’t ready. I’ve done that now this second mmc and it’s made such a difference. I can face things that hurt on my own time and terms rather than be caught off guard.

I wish I had known that feeling better for a bit didn’t mean I was done grieving, and that TTCAL means that you can’t really move on. That every bfn would feel like our loss was happening all over again. Just so I could expect and accept that.

Last, the unfollow feature on Facebook is fantastic, and I wish I had known about it sooner. My first mmc I pretty much unfollowed everyone with kids and babies and only looked at profiles of good friends when I was in a place to handle it. It’s great because you can control your exposure without hurting others since they never know they’ve been unfollowed.

 

[lesondemavie]

Oh that bit about fully feeling my anger that goes for whatever you feel no matter how much it hurts. I wish I had known that it was ok to be as sad as I needed to be for as long as I needed. I wish someone had said that to me, and shown me that empathy and acceptance. I wish I had shown it to myself sooner. I needed to accept that I was sad and that was ok. I needed to know that it wasn’t forever, that one day the sun would break back through...I just didn’t know how or when.

I’m struggling with that right now. I just went through my second mmc at 9.5 weeks right out of the gates trying for baby #2 and I don’t want to be in the sad, dark space that was ttcal for me the first time. I have this wonderful, happy life with my 15-month-old rainbow and my husband, and I wonder if risking another loss, risking the grief, the time away from my daughter and that happiness is worth it. I can be happy now, so why would I put that all on the line? *sigh*...but then I feel like stopping is selfish that long-term I want to give my daughter a sibling and even if it’s another 15 months and multiple losses or more to get there that’s a drop in the bucket compared to the lifetime we could live as a family of four. I’m crying typing that bc I know how hard it is, but I also know that’s ok and I can do endure the journey. I just hope my family can as well.