Miscarried first pregnancy after long term TTC... feeling numb

[xxMrsMcKxx]

We got our first ever BFP a week before Christmas after trying for a couple of years with no luck. We couldn't have been happier. We was so excited we decided to pay to get a private early scan at 8 weeks. We went into the clinic expecting to see a little miracle, but what we got was total heartbreak - there was no heartbeat and the baby has stopped growing at just over 6 weeks - i'd had a missed miscarriage. Contacted the midwife and they put me in touch with the hospital who informed me that because i was early in the pregnancy, they wanted to wait a week and do another scan to make 100% sure.

So there we was, facing a week long wait. But to be honest, we knew in our hearts that that was it. And it was confirmed just a few days after the first scan as i started to cramp, bleed and pass clots. We've now had the second scan and it confirmed that there was no longer any baby in there.

I have cried and have shut myself away at home with DH and our 2 dogs for the last week. Yet i feel like i could just slot back into everyday life i am that numb. I'm not sure if its fully hit me yet, or if the week we've had waiting has helped in coming to terms with it. I am a level headed person and i know "these things happen", but i feel wrong in feeling this way. I want to be angry, i want to scream and shout, i want to cry until i'm sick, but i just feel 'vacant'. I feel like i'm not doing my angel baby justice.

Would like to know how you are coping/coped and if i'm on my own in feeling this way?

 

[Loup89]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss

I'm going through a similar situation myself so thought I'd share.
We've been trying for 3 years this month with no luck at all, In october I was seen by a fertility specialist who prescribed me clomid and in December I got my very first bfp, I will never in my life forget that feeling I'd never been so happy. Sadly it all came to an end and I miscarried over the weekend before christmas, it was confirmed on christmas eve when I went for a scan. The miscarriage was the worst thing physically and emotionally I have ever been through, when they told me after my scan that the baby was gone and my hormone levels were dropping I felt totally numb. I remember just sitting at home staring at the TV and not even realising it was switched off, I sat and did nothing all over christmas, I felt like I had no emotions and I didn't care about anything or anyone, I knew I did but I just couldn't feel it, if that makes sense?

It took me a few days to really cry and let it out but even now I sometimes feel numb. At times I think when I'm really down I should be crying but I can't and other times something little will happen when I think I'm feeling more positive and I'll burst into tears. It's a complete rollercoaster, like nothing else I could compare to but its completely normal what you are feeling. Please don't feel that you are not doing your angel justice. You know you care, its just our bodies way of protecting ourselves from how hurt we really are.

There are lots of us here going through it at the moment, its really helped me these past few weeks. If you ever need to talk just pm me xx

 

[xxMrsMcKxx]

Thank you Loup for sharing with me your story. Its true what you say about it being a complete rollercoaster.

I actually managed to get out the house yesterday to take the dogs out for a walk in the snow with DH, and somehow ended up having a silly argument with some random dog walker over nothing, then went home and cried my eyes out.

Today has been a little better. Think i'm starting to accept things. We decided to put our scan pictures with the one thing that was brought for the baby at Christmas - a little teddy. This way our baby will sort of always be with its teddy.

It means a lot to me that you replied. We will get through this i'm sure but its just bloody unfair and hard xx

 

[Topanga053]

I found one of the hardest parts of this process (although, let's face it, the whole damn thing is hard) is to really accept whatever I'm feeling and not think about how I "should" be feeling. There is no right way to grieve your angel baby. You can cry, be numb, get angry, be jealous, do whatever you need to do to work through the pain. THAT'S all that your angel baby wants is for you to work through the pain of losing him/her and be happy again.

I'm going to be honest, I had a second scan like you did to confirm and I was fairly calm around that point. I thought I had worked through a lot of the pain because I was able to be so rational about the medical decisions and accepted that "these things happen". I discovered in the couple of months that followed the physical MC that I really HADN'T worked through all of the grief between the scans. Small things--like seeing ultrasound photos on Facebook or getting my period--would completely set me off again. At least for me, it's been a long process or a lot of ups and downs, although it does get a lot better as time goes on.

I really love the idea of putting the scan photos with the teddy bear. That was so touching.

 

[Loup89]

Thank you Loup for sharing with me your story. Its true what you say about it being a complete rollercoaster.

I actually managed to get out the house yesterday to take the dogs out for a walk in the snow with DH, and somehow ended up having a silly argument with some random dog walker over nothing, then went home and cried my eyes out.

Today has been a little better. Think i'm starting to accept things. We decided to put our scan pictures with the one thing that was brought for the baby at Christmas - a little teddy. This way our baby will sort of always be with its teddy.

It means a lot to me that you replied. We will get through this i'm sure but its just bloody unfair and hard xx

Hope you're having a better day today I must have missed your reply as I've only just seen it!
It's good to get out the house and get on with things but rubbish when things knock you back, try not to let it though hun. I cried because someone at my work said I was stealing milk for my cuppa lol, normally I would have told her to pipe down and carried on.

I would have been 11 weeks today, its really heartbreaking knowing that next week I would have been telling the rest of our family and friends, I just feel like hiding away but I know I can't.

That's such a lovely idea with the scan picture and teddy, I wish I'd managed to get a picture but we'd already lost our baby before the scan, I was bought a lovely bracelet with a heart on the day I went for my scan though and I haven't taken it off since, it brings me some comfort.

You're right its not fair at all but hopefully this time next year we'll be in a much happier place xx

 

[Ltruns33]

I know this is an old thred, but I stumbled On it. I and just miscarried after lttc too. Numb and empty are how I feel! Unfair, etc. we thought it was our miracle. Well, it was our miracle. I feel like there's hoped since we did conceive.. But it's the unknown of ttc after that is scary/uncertain/sad. How are y'all doing?

 

[xxMrsMcKxx]

I know this is an old thred, but I stumbled On it. I and just miscarried after lttc too. Numb and empty are how I feel! Unfair, etc. we thought it was our miracle. Well, it was our miracle. I feel like there's hoped since we did conceive.. But it's the unknown of ttc after that is scary/uncertain/sad. How are y'all doing?

Hey Ltruns. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult thing to go through, and feels extremely unfair after waiting for so long for it to happen. I know anything i say now won't really help, but for me, i have learned to live with it
though i'll never really get over it or forget.

Talking to people helped me. It surprised me just how many m/c stories came out of the woodwork when i told friends/family about it. It really helped me feel like i wasn't alone.

What's really helped me and hubby was we were very lucky and fell pregnant again after my 3rd cycle after the m/c. I had convinced myself that it would take years to fall pregnant again, so was very surprised and happy that it happened so quickly. i'm now 19 weeks gone and things seem to be going perfectly, but i have been very anxious throughout and only recently its sunk in that this could be our time.

Not sure is anything i've said will help, but i hope you find some comfort somewhere. And i'll keep my fingers crossed that your dreams to come true

Hugs
Kerry